He bruised me

[Justlife3]

For the first time in my life. I dont know what to think or feel about it. It was an "accident". We were arguing and he slammed the door even though I was standing in the doorway. I tried to open it and he pushed it closed and caught my leg. The part he caught is so tender. The bruise isnt anything horrific. His family was in the house when it happened. No one asked if I was okay. I'm disgusted and shocked. He said it was because I triggered him with something he said and he was angry. I didnt say anything horrible but it was sensitive as it was about our baby.

Onside

And she might think she's 'in love' with your child, but she's far more 'in love' with her own. Who she knows is abusive towards you but either she thinks it is normal, she doesn't want to lose access to your daughter or she simply doesn't give a shit. Aka she has either piss poor judgement or is as nasty as him... either way she shouldn't be influencing your decisions about YOUR child's welfare.

@Justlife3
I have been in your position, I lived with my ex and his family (I had a difficult relationship with my own mum and was very vulnerable at that time). Him and his family where very controlling of me and exploited that vulnerability, he would perpetrate abuse in front of his family. They would say it wasn’t for them to get involved or it was a ‘tiff’ or I was over sensitive or mad. When we where on our own he would blame me and tell me that it was my fault and I pushed him to it or I was mad. For a long time I believed him and them. When I started to open up to family about the domestic abuse I had been subjected to, I was told that it wasn’t that bad or in my head or I was over sensitive. It took me a long time to realise that none of that was true and it was abuse and only down to him, he got away with it for so long as people minimised and/or justified his behaviour and choices and did not call out the abuse.
Unfortunately many people still do justify and/or minimise domestic abuse as they may be in similar situations and don’t want to admit it or don’t want to face the reality that there family/friend is an abuser or step up and call out the abuse and say the abuser is wrong and actually intervene.
This doesn’t mean what is happening to you isn’t real and isn’t abuse because people around you don’t want to face up to the reality.
My opinion is that his family will defend him and try to use your DD to control you to keep you stuck in his abuse. Him and his DM sounds vile, she is just as much of an abuser as she allows this to happen in her home and does nothing to protect you and your DD. That is not love that is control and she is serving her DS and her own motives, she will use DD to frighten you (as you mentioned) and keep you stuck and reliant on them.
There are people and support out there for you to talk to and will help you and never think you are silly.
Contact woman’s aid for advice, you can call them as many times as you feel, there is always someone at the end of that phone to talk to and they are discreet.

Contact the police for advice to, they can flag your telephone number so that if you call in an emergency it will flag you as at risk to the emergency operator.
If you ever seek medical advice (gp / A&E) for any injury ect, you can discretely tell them the reasons behind it and they can help you to.
Start figuring out plans, maybe if you go shopping or to a playgroup try to contact some services away from the house. Try if you can to stash important documents and maybe few little bits so when you are able to leave you can access them quickly.
You have to think of you and your DD safety and future. You will both ultimately be at greater harm in a house where domestic abuse occurs and those in the home minimise it.
Please know there are people that believe you, it is real and you deserve better. There is strength in you that you don’t know you have.
Please be safe and please put yourself and DD first & f* all those who minimise/ justify it.
Sorry for the long post (I’m new to MN and still learning the etiquette). X

I forgot to also mention that my dp tried to lock my pet in the bathroom away from me. I went in there with dc in my arms and he tried to push past me to get out. He pushed into me with dc in my arms and her head smacked back into my tooth. His mum came up the stairs just in time as all this happened. I got hysterical because I couldnt believe he would push me with our baby in my arms. He blamed me because I was blocking his way. His mum told me she saw the whole thing as she was coming up and it was nothing. She took my dc from me and my baby had a big red mark on her head where she had knocked into me. It wasnt all make believe as the mum wanted to make it out to be

His mum sneered at me that wa is for people that are literally scared for their life and running away from physically abusive men. I know my leg getting caught was an accident but the thing is with my partner being so unpredictable with his anger and doing things like sexually assaulting me when he didnt even know it was possible to do so, it makes me worried that one day he could lash out deliberately and if that day comes his family would happily turn a blind eye to it even if it happened infront of their face.

I want to add I'm really young and jobless..with no family to turn to. No dp hasnt been raised in a toxic environment his parents are very loving towards each other. I have on the other hand and I know that is my greatest downfall

You do not need her permission or even support to seek help from wa , police etc. It sounds as if they are minimising what is going on.

His mum sneered at me that wa is for people that are literally scared for their life and running away from physically abusive men.

Well then it doesn't matter if you call them does it? So call them. If she's right they'll tell you that you don't need help. If she's wrong (which she is) then they will give you help.

I cannot understand why you haven't called them. Your baby has been hurt, not just you.

I understand you're young and scared and surrounded by people enabling this arsehole and being awful themselves.

But your daughter is too young to speak up for herself or have a choice in this. You aren't. You can speak up to womens aid / the police.

They will listen.

But you need to call them now. After all, if she was right then they'll tell you it's not abuse and no harm done by you calling. But they won't say that. They will help you get out.

Put your child first.

Get out. Do it. If not for your sake, do it for your daughter. Listen to everyone here and get out.

I'm so incredibly scared to take this step. I'm scared it really is all a big over sight on my behalf and that I will ruin our lives, take my dc away from her dad all for nothing. I will tarnish all relationship with my in laws. There will be no going back. I know my dp would never hurt our child he is devoted to her. Me maybe so but not our baby. I have no real life support. I'm scared I'm too much of a coward

The thing is you can leave anyway. You can leave if they agree or not. You can leave just because they make you feel unhappy. You don’t have to live there and while it might be uncomfortable for a bit you can do what YOU want.

It IS really scary. That’s the truth of it. My ex head butted me when I was 6 months pregnant. I also had our 11 month old daughter in my arms at the time.
He is abusive and his family are colluding with him. He is not a great dad, he is abusive. You are going to have to pull on every ounce of bravery and strength you have to do this. Give your daughter a chance, protect her because no one else will.

You say: I know my dp would never hurt our child he is devoted to her.

And yet he already has, while pushing you, with her in your arms: She took my dc from me and my baby had a big red mark on her head where she had knocked into me.

You say: I have no real life support.

But you're refusing to engage with people who could support you and your child in real life for example women's aid / national domestic violence hotline.

You can't be a coward when your daughter is in danger. Even if from today on he 'only' hurts you and not her, he IS still hurting her because he is depriving her of a happy and healthy mother and a functional, healthy family.

You'll never forgive yourself if you stay and it will only ever get harder to leave.

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this.

The main thing holding you back seems to be the lack of support from everyone around you, which at your young age is making you don't yourself.

Pretty much every single person on this thread has told you to seek help as it is the correct thing to do.

You can rebuild a sensible relationship with your DC's family in the future, on your terms if you want to, but for now you need to get out and seek somewhere safe else where, the women's refuge will 100% want to help you and will not laugh you out, that is DP's mother trying to keep you there.

@Justlife3

I'm so incredibly scared to take this step. I'm scared it really is all a big over sight on my behalf and that I will ruin our lives, take my dc away from her dad all for nothing. I will tarnish all relationship with my in laws. There will be no going back. I know my dp would never hurt our child he is devoted to her. Me maybe so but not our baby. I have no real life support. I'm scared I'm too much of a coward

He's already hurt her though, he pushed you with her in her arms and hurt her head and neither he or your MIL saw that as a problem. Please OP don't underestimate the situation you're in, and go either to women's aid or to the police, I am begging you.

Surely it will all be my word against his. His family will back him and call me a liar. What is the point of going to the police when there is no concrete evidence

@Justlife3

Surely it will all be my word against his. His family will back him and call me a liar. What is the point of going to the police when there is no concrete evidence

That's why you need to call womens aid or the National domestic violence hotline - they will support and guide you through the next steps.

You are choosing inaction because you can't know the next steps for sure and that's scary.

But you DO know for sure that staying with this man (and family) WILL be detrimental to your mental and likely physical health. And therefore your baby's wellbeing.

Your baby has already been 'accidentally' hurt, leaving a mark, due to this man's aggression towards you.

Can you live with that escalating? Surely not. You need to prioritise your daughter and make the calls.

If you call womens aid / the National domestic violence hotline and they tell you there's no abuse here and laugh at you and you stay then at least you made the effort to call.

They won't say that though, they will help you.

So what's the harm in calling them when you can get some time alone?

Don't be stuck in this abusive home because you're afraid of the unknown. The known is far scarier because it's definite. A child growing up watching her mother be belittled and abused until she is a shell of herself. That child repeating a similar relationship when they are an adult because they think it's normal.

Don't lumber her with that future.

@Justlife3

I'm so incredibly scared to take this step. I'm scared it really is all a big over sight on my behalf and that I will ruin our lives, take my dc away from her dad all for nothing. I will tarnish all relationship with my in laws. There will be no going back. I know my dp would never hurt our child he is devoted to her. Me maybe so but not our baby. I have no real life support. I'm scared I'm too much of a coward

I had an abusive boyfriend. He never touched my dd. He didn't even live with us. But social services got involved because of the fact I was keeping her around a man who was hurting me.

They made it very clear of I didn't leave him they'd take her from me.

If you're not safe, she's not safe

No, it won't. Please, please call the police, WA all the help you can, and get you and DD out of asap

@Justlife3

Surely it will all be my word against his. His family will back him and call me a liar. What is the point of going to the police when there is no concrete evidence

No one can make you promises and we certainly can't promise that everything will be easy and plain sailing as soon as you make the decision to leave. What I do know is that growing up watching your mother being abused is incredibly traumatic for a child, even if your partner never lays a finger on her. She may well end up thinking that your relationship is normal and might model her future ones on it.

Just make an excuse to get out the house and call a helpline. They will help you and tell you your options and you can decide what happens from there.

I know it's scary and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. But one day you will look back on what you decide to do next, and depending on what you decide it might be the best or worst decision you ever made.

Be brave OP - keep you and your baby safe

@Justlife3

I'm so incredibly scared to take this step. I'm scared it really is all a big over sight on my behalf and that I will ruin our lives, take my dc away from her dad all for nothing. I will tarnish all relationship with my in laws. There will be no going back. I know my dp would never hurt our child he is devoted to her. Me maybe so but not our baby. I have no real life support. I'm scared I'm too much of a coward

He's already assaulted you with her in your arms, how long before she gets caught in the middle again but really hurt. I once was on the ward when we had a little one (about 1) with two black eyes because dad went to punch mum and missed. Mum also got a beating even after he seriously hurt his beloved baby cause he wanted to hurt her so much it didn't matter that his poor innocent child got in the way. Mum was offered refuge but was petrified to accept, either way the baby was not going back to the home. That could easily be your child one day with what you've posted. Please ring women's aid, you are being abused, you are a victim of serious domestic abuse, not only is your partner sexually, physically and psychologically abusive but his mum is emotionally abusive to you too. You can do this op. I'm sorry everyone around you irl is downplaying and minimising your abuse. I can guarantee you WA won't, they will help you if you reach out, I would advise to make sure you are not overheard by your abusers though.

There no way you would ruin your baby’s life by getting him or her away from all these family members (on both sides) that think a husband raping, frightening and abusing his wife is normal. Your mother and mother in law are just too used to living in a dreadful environment- they think it’s normal. Don’t let yourself and your child grow up like that. Just call women’s aid and chat to them for starters.

What is your pet? I fostered a dog for a mumsnet person going into a refuge. I bet you’d find someone that would look after your pet. Don’t leave it if you can possibly get it out of there..

Look op the rape, the pushing and the leg incident happened. There’s no remorse on his part. Go to women’s aid. Take your child and your pet. Your child will be happiest with mum regardless of the living environment. You could be living in a tent but as long as you are together that’s all that counts

Hi OP,

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Sounds like your partner has you doubting yourself - please don’t let home do that.

I think you will be really pleasantly surprised if you speak to women’s aid. You don’t need to commit to anything if you speak to them, but please know that they can find you and your baby somewhere safe to be if you after to this.

Even if you don’t make that step tonight / tomorrow, it will be good to speak to someone in real life you understands what you are going through. I promise,

Justlife3 , I believe you.

These nasty pricks all behave the same way. It's a recognisable pattern. You will be believed.