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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Leaving an abusive affair/relationship. Warning: discussion of rape. **OP post edited by MNHQ at OP's request***

291 replies

Finallydonewithhim · 21/07/2021 07:11

Long complicated history. Man and I have always gravitated towards each other. Tried friendship - it’s great until the attraction takes hold. We always end up in a dark sexual relationship. Pure lust.

I’m married. He’s had several relationships over this time too. I was prepared at one point to give everything up for him. He couldn’t do it.

Earlier this year he got involved with someone I know. She was warned clearly by a friend of his cheating behaviour and all his flaws. He managed 4 months of staying away then he returned and took advantage of my vulnerable state.

2 months on he has showed me that he is more than happy to be carrying on this without thought or care. He won’t ever stop. He has been very dangerous to me this time around.

I can do my best to keep him away but he’ll always return. The girlfriend is airing her suspicions. I want to do the right thing and go and tell her. I’ve never felt this way about any of the other girlfriends but she deserves so much more.

I do too. My husband does too.

Talk or walk.
Pull the pin on my own grenade.

I want him to stay away forever. I feel this will be the only way to make him.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 21/07/2021 15:41

@Hanger0n

I get that justlyra, I just don't think it's going to end particularly well either way when the extent of the deceit is revealed. OP is going to have more than just the OM to worry about anyway.
Minimising the rapist and abuser to simply “the OM” shows a staggering lack of understanding of the situation.

The OP has been raped and physically assaulted. She is, like many women trying to escape abuaive relationships, at risk of being murdered.

Once she’s dealt with the risk to her life and limb she’ll likely be in a much better position to deal with the rest of the fall out.

We know nothing of the OP’s husband and his character. He might be a lovely kind man who focuses on the safety aspect first and the betrayal later and could be a great help. He could react badly and unintentionally provoke the violent one (if for example the OP’s husband tells rhe Gf the abuser may feel he has nothing left to lose). Or he may, given the OP has been victim to multiple abuses in her life, someone that she could be in danger from. We have no idea.

We do know that she’s in danger so focussing on that and getting safe just now is a big enough worry on its own.

Notmyregularnameforthis · 21/07/2021 16:14

Some advice from PPs please ... I have written a long post to the OP laying out the real truth of what she has experienced so she can see her emotional journey through this relationship for what it is - abuse, not a fun safe exploring of BDSM, but am loathe to post it as it is so long.

As a non Premium user can I send it to the OP so she can read it privately?

I have had experience of BDSM gone bad (fatal) and wanted to give her a real in depth lot of advice and ways to handle this safely. But her first step must be to see this fascination for BDSM for what it is and start to understand her own motivations and then go from there. Or does everyone think what she needs to do has pretty much been covered by PPs?

Many thanks MNs Smile

rishisboater · 21/07/2021 16:17

@Notmyregularnameforthis

Some advice from PPs please ... I have written a long post to the OP laying out the real truth of what she has experienced so she can see her emotional journey through this relationship for what it is - abuse, not a fun safe exploring of BDSM, but am loathe to post it as it is so long.

As a non Premium user can I send it to the OP so she can read it privately?

I have had experience of BDSM gone bad (fatal) and wanted to give her a real in depth lot of advice and ways to handle this safely. But her first step must be to see this fascination for BDSM for what it is and start to understand her own motivations and then go from there. Or does everyone think what she needs to do has pretty much been covered by PPs?

Many thanks MNs Smile

One of the great things about a forum is that posts might help someone else too. Even if in future someone searches within the forum for a particular topic they can see relevant advice. I think it sounds like you have something helpful to add so if you're comfortable with sharing publicly (I.e. it's not outing) then just put it on the thread
stellaisabella · 21/07/2021 16:37

Op, tell him If he contacts you again you'll call the police - block him, and stop meeting him. Tell your husband the truth about everything, he could help keep you safe in this scenario.

Wherearemymarbles · 21/07/2021 16:45

I guess the OPs biggest fear of telling her husband is that he kicks her out and she is then fully at the mercy of the OM who she cant seem to stay away from.

My advise, for what it is worth is to tell your husband and then the police.

Yes is almost certain nothing will come of it but they will interview him and it will be a shot across the bows and he is then far more likely to leave you alone.

Also I doubt he is using condoms so you risk both yours and DH sexual health which i accept is probably not the most important thing right now but some sti’s are mot much fun.

Finallydonewithhim · 21/07/2021 18:05

Im still here. Reading.

Yes I believe telling my husband will leave me wide open to this mans further control.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 21/07/2021 18:33

@Finallydonewithhim

Im still here. Reading.

Yes I believe telling my husband will leave me wide open to this mans further control.

Have you considered speaking to Rape Crisis or Women’s Aid?

They’ll be able to signpost you in the right direction for pressure free support and guidance.

Finallydonewithhim · 21/07/2021 18:37

I have an assessment booked in with a similar service. I rang them several days after the event and we discussed forensic evidence, chances of conviction and discussed a safety plan. I took the pragmatic decision not to report but sought medical treatment. I discussed it with the nurse too prior to examine

OP posts:
Finallydonewithhim · 21/07/2021 18:38

The silence of the last few days is disturbing me.

OP posts:
Notmyregularnameforthis · 21/07/2021 18:55

As I see it Op, and drawing my own conclusions from all your posts (which I have read) it seems as if this relationship, at least on your part, started as an escape from your boredom or dissatisfaction with your "vanilla" marriage and life, and to begin with was giving you something which you felt you wanted/needed but could not get in your marriage or from your husband.

I can easily see how it could have started out as a very exciting, kinky, secret life where you could almost become someone else for a while whilst exploring your own sexuality with someone who SEEMED to want you as much as you wanted him.

Obviously it then started to develop into a more formalised Dom / sub relationship. (I assume this progression was driven by him, but that you fully consented to it?)

In his role as the Dom, I can see that he would have gradually ramped up the stakes in this game you have been playing. You indicate you had discussed safewords and hard limits, but I also intuit that he has consistently been the main one pushing you beyond these?

As you must know, regardless of whether a relationship incorporates elements of BDSM (to whatever degree), or is 100% vanilla, the keyword always is consent. And in BDSM especially it is 'informed consent' ... in other words you must know EXACTLY what he is planning to do to you so you are not surprised by any action he takes, or act he inflicts, or has you perform, in order to fully consent.

Without informed consent it is simply abuse/rape/torture.

The other thing I do know from experience is that males who simply call themselves Doms (even though a responsible BDSMer would never acknowledge them as such) often tend to escalate the stakes taking things you are doing to greater extremes. Not because YOU want to experience more, or push the limits harder, but because HE is like an addict seeking the high of that first rush he got from feeling so in control of another person (who he treats like an object) and having (at least the illusion) of getting his every desire, no matter how selfish, perverse, or extreme, satisfied on demand and to his precise standards.

But, over time, as you insist on not going further and want to stay within your limits, he becomes jaded and dissatisfied. The anticipation, the rush, is not the same for him when you are doing the same kind of things together every time you meet up. Much like having sex in a vanilla or regular marriage or relationship things get boring if you don't change it up now and again.

To this end, that is why he has recently pressured you into switching roles, with him ostensibly becoming the sub and you the Domme. It is simply just another way for him to seek out that high from a different angle. But don't be fooled for one minute that you are in any way actually dominating him. He really is the one who is 100% in control of all that you do, and the moment you, even when acting as his 'Domme', do anything that he doesn't like or enjoy, he will lash out and punish you for it.

But for the kind of man you have been involved with this boredom ultimately becomes dangerous because he won't stop until he finds a way (no matter what it involves) to experience that high again. And, because he doesn't really see you as a human being, with feelings and deserving of respect, he won't care what harm he does to you, your life, your family or your friends in the process.

His pushing to make you go further, do more extreme things, is made even more dangerous when it is combined with a naturally callous, selfish, ego driven or narcissistic personality. And being honest, from how you have described him, I would say he fits this type to a T as he, from your own posts, shows...

  • no real morals, integrity or standards otherwise he wouldn't have targeted a married woman in the first place;
  • knows your abuse history but shows no real understanding or compassion for it or you;
  • has had multiple relationships other women whilst still seeing you (with your knowledge and not caring how that would make you feel) and then cheated on them, and you, with absolute belief he had the right to do exactly what he wanted and without fear of any consequences;
  • did not want / love or respect you enough, even when you offered to leave your marriage, to commit to a full relationship with you but still selfishly demands you continue to participate in his "game"

And now, has proven without a doubt he has no consideration for your mental or physical wellbeing by physically wounding and injuring you, despite knowing he was breaking (not just pushing against) physical boundaries you thought had been agreed.

Ask yourself OP, at what point do you finally realise that all the 'care' 'love' 'attention' 'understanding' 'friendship' you think he has shown to you in the past was all a lie simply so he could get from you what HE wanted. I promise you, every time you thought he was being genuine, the times you truly believed he cared, the times he had you convinced you were soul mates, the sweet words he used to get you to agree to do what he wanted, were ALL A SHAM .. and all carefully designed and used to allow him to feed his own desires and nothing more. None of it was real.

He has covertly, and more lately overtly, manipulated and pressured and physically forced you to do what he wanted. He does not care about you one iota.

However, during all this, you have also gotten used to the rush, the anticipation, the exciting fear, the sense of almost delicious wickedness at having this secret life, the intoxicating feeling of being utterly possessed and captivated. And this is now the addiction you have to break free of once and for all.

It won't be easy. You have to face yourself in the mirror and realise that you did have your part to play in all this, regardless of how it has ended up. You have to take responsibility and be accountable for what you have sought out and how low you have allowed yourself to sink.

But, once you have done this, and truly want to walk away from this, you will be able to. You have to reach deep down inside yourself and find that strength to take the first steps towards recovering your mental health and physical safety.

I would suggest your first step towards dealing with this must be to speak to a rape crisis or abuse counselling and support service... because you have been raped!

They will be able to help you break contact with this man - although as previous PPs have said, you can start to do this now by blocking him on all media and phones, or better yet, get a new phone number and be careful who you give it to in case he can get it out of them.

They will also listen to you and help assess whether there is any risk of this man coming to your home and attacking you, or your husband, or other family or friends. If a risk is there, they will help you find the best way to protect yourself and those around you, involving the police or courts as necessary.

You could also speak to a sexual addiction support service too. There is Sex Addicts Anonymous just as there is AA for alcohol, because you need to address your own addiction to this BDSM driven rush you have had too.

From there, with a support network to guide you as to what is involved and the implications of any course of action you decide to take, I would strongly advise you to report this latest assault to the police.

Be assured the fact you have previously consented to some types of BDSM activities does not mean that this latest assault will not be taken seriously. You did not consent to his latest attack which resulted in you being raped and injured.

Please think about the fact that without your bravery this predator will continue his escalating behaviour, and I know from personal experience that this can lead to a fatality.

I honestly would also advise you to seek out a therapist who is experienced and open to dealing with BDSM related trauma as your first step in positive self care too. It is easy to feel you have done such wicked things to yourself and your husband that you don't deserve to be cared for and need to be punished somehow - but you do deserve it, and you must actively seek out ways to come to terms with any guilt, fear, shame or self loathing you may feel.

Once you can understand yourself and what motivated you down this path in the first place, you can then start to think about whether or not you need to come clean to your husband, or whether it would be better for you (and your husband who is, at least currently, totally in the dark about all this) to walk away from both this abuser and your husband and find a new, totally separate and independent life that truly makes you happy.

Finally, to address your question about whether to tell his current girlfriend right now (ie before you have been to any support services or the police), my advice would be simply this:

I would only tell her AFTER you have been in touch with the teams who can support and protect you, and if deemed necessary protect her too.

If, after speaking to them, you still want to tell her then do so by all means, but don't go into great detail, and be aware that this action will provoke him.

However, you must be absolutely committed to using the various support organisations I have mentioned above BEFORE you speak to her. Preferably have several telephone conversations with them before you decide what to do, and keep the telephone numbers you need written down and with you at all times for when you have a wobble.

But, if you have formulated some idea that just by telling his girlfriend it will provoke a situation whereby he then leaves you in peace once and for all, then you are fooling yourself ...SO DON'T DO IT!!

It is far more likely that it will provoke him into a much more serious series of actions that will almost certainly put you at great risk of further physical harm. These type of abusers do not take kindly to having their sweet little life taken away from them and will often lash out. At the very least I would expect that he would contact your husband and tell him the whole story as revenge, as this abuser will believe if you end his relationship then he has the absolute right to end yours ... and your poor husband does not deserve that.

Only with the benefit of advice and support from the rape crisis centre and/or the police, or your own therapist, might it be appropriate to tell her what risks (physical and mental) she is taking if she continues to have a relationship with him.

I sincerely wish you all the luck, and strength, in the world.

Also apologies to other PPs and MNs for the length of this post, but I genuinely am deeply concerned for the OP and wanted to try and help. If I went overboard I am really sorry.

Wherearemymarbles · 21/07/2021 18:55

So under normal circumstances how often would you contact each other.

Maybe he is laying low, maybe he is not as sure you think that wont go to the police as you think.

As others have said he controls by fear. He has little to lose. However if he knows you are prepared to lose everything just to be rid of him, his power over you is gone.

Taliskerskye · 21/07/2021 19:11

@Notmyregularnameforthis
What a great post
I hope this helps you OP.

And the level of victim blaming on this thread is astonishing. Truly shameful

Finallydonewithhim · 21/07/2021 19:12

Most days. He knows I won’t go police although I think he has seen my shift in last couple of weeks in being truthful. He is more scared I’ll tell girlfriend and scupper his perfect boyfriend image. Tbh he may well be looking for a reason to blame in that relationship failing and started the she’s crazy speech he’s perfected so well over the years. As far as she knows we aren’t in contact. She knows about our past but believes it ended and he’s not spoken to me for 7 months. Unfortunately the last couple of months that’s not the case at all. She’s been questioning of that recently.

OP posts:
stellaisabella · 21/07/2021 19:15

Op, how would telling your husband make you more vulnerable to the other mans control? If it's all out in the open, he's less likely to be able to manipulate you. You absolutely have to stop agreeing to meet him and you know this. If you don't want to go to the police, telling your husband is surely the next best option?

Finallydonewithhim · 21/07/2021 19:16

@Notmyregularnameforthis

Oh gosh. I’ve had to stop reading that for a moment as children around. It’s so very accurate. I will read when I’m able to digest that fully. Thank you.

OP posts:
WhiskeyGalore212 · 21/07/2021 19:38

He may be laying low because he"s scared you'll let his gf know, but I'd imagine he still has a glimmer of fear/caution that you might just go to police or an organisation that liases with them about what he did. He knows he's committed a crime, no matter what bsdm bullshit narrative he tells himself (and you).

Naunet · 21/07/2021 19:38

Some women on this thread are absolutely disgusting. Minimising rape, ignoring actual physical damage, complete ignorance or lack of interest in the trauma previous sexual abuse can do…you should be utterly ashamed of yourselves. There’s a reason rape is illegal and cheating isn’t for fuck sake. Revolting.

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If you tell your husband, what do you think would happen? Do you have anywhere you could go, somewhere this rapist pig can’t find you?

WhiskeyGalore212 · 21/07/2021 19:40

Are you scared you'd be more vulnerable to him if you split with your husband because you'd be lonely or ... ?

Finallydonewithhim · 21/07/2021 19:56

Firstly I’d be homeless or at the very least away from my kids when they are with their dad.

Then he will have opportunity to keep coming back. And you know what I’m too worn down at the moment to be able to be safe from that.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 21/07/2021 20:00

Why would you be homeless? It’s your home too, you wouldn’t have to leave. I know it would be really difficult, but your husband can’t force you to leave. You could tell him you’d leave when it was safe. You would also need to involve the police - report the other guy. Your husband would have to realise you need safety, even if he was livid.

Naunet · 21/07/2021 20:03

@Finallydonewithhim

Firstly I’d be homeless or at the very least away from my kids when they are with their dad.

Then he will have opportunity to keep coming back. And you know what I’m too worn down at the moment to be able to be safe from that.

Ok, so then you need to find somewhere safe. Do you have access to money? Enough to rent somewhere if needed? If you end up moving, you have to do everything you can to not let this man know where you’ll be living.
username18702 · 21/07/2021 20:04

OP he sounds dangerous and he's already strangled you and sexually assaulted you. Well done on going to the SA organisation and I'm glad you've discussed evidence and been checked over. You're being amazingly brave.

I'm going to throw out some options and suggestions for you so it doesn't feel as though you're trapped:

  1. You can contact a local domestic abuse organisation and get some help and advice on staying safe and your legal options. They'll also know what's available locally.
  1. You can apply for a non molestation order to keep him away from you. You can apply for that yourself or via somewhere like the NCDV who you can call for advice.
  1. You can dial 101 and ask the police for advice on what to do. You will get a phone reference number, they can put your number on a 'watched list' and will get there asap should you dial 999. They also have DV trained officers and links to local organisations who can help.

I would focus on your own safety for the time being. I would ask the SA organisation about trauma based counselling. Here is some advice from BACP: www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/trauma-and-ptsd/

I would continue to work with agencies and practice good self care. I would keep his messages and voice mail for evidence but I would get another SIM and change my number. I would get a doorbell that records such as Eufy: www.amazon.co.uk/Security-Wireless-Battery-Powered-Detection-Self-Installation/dp/B081VD7VVZ?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Download a safety app for women: metro.co.uk/2021/03/13/six-of-the-best-safety-apps-for-women-walking-alone-at-night-14233244/

You can contact the National Helpline for further advice and help: 0808 2000 247

Ginmonkey84 · 21/07/2021 20:05

After reading the full thread OP the only post in here that you need to read and take on board is from @Notmyregularnameforthis

Hanger0n · 21/07/2021 20:12

@stellaisabella

Op, how would telling your husband make you more vulnerable to the other mans control? If it's all out in the open, he's less likely to be able to manipulate you. You absolutely have to stop agreeing to meet him and you know this. If you don't want to go to the police, telling your husband is surely the next best option?
Probably because he'll throw her out when he realises this wasn't just a random incident and he's been deceived for years.
toocold54 · 21/07/2021 20:13

OP how are you in contact with him? Why can’t you just block his number?

Your husband is going to find out. I would take this opportunity to tell him everything and if you break up use that as an excuse to move far away so you don’t need any contact from this man again.

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