Leaving an abusive affair/relationship. Warning: discussion of rape. **OP post edited by MNHQ at OP's request***

[Finallydonewithhim]

Long complicated history. Man and I have always gravitated towards each other. Tried friendship - it’s great until the attraction takes hold. We always end up in a dark sexual relationship. Pure lust.

I’m married. He’s had several relationships over this time too. I was prepared at one point to give everything up for him. He couldn’t do it.

Earlier this year he got involved with someone I know. She was warned clearly by a friend of his cheating behaviour and all his flaws. He managed 4 months of staying away then he returned and took advantage of my vulnerable state.

2 months on he has showed me that he is more than happy to be carrying on this without thought or care. He won’t ever stop. He has been very dangerous to me this time around.

I can do my best to keep him away but he’ll always return. The girlfriend is airing her suspicions. I want to do the right thing and go and tell her. I’ve never felt this way about any of the other girlfriends but she deserves so much more.

I do too. My husband does too.

Talk or walk.
Pull the pin on my own grenade.

I want him to stay away forever. I feel this will be the only way to make him.

[Finallydonewithhim]

My relationship with my husband is dead. I don’t however want to hurt him by disclosing this. He won’t be supportive at all emotionally either.

[picklemewalnuts]

That makes perfect sense.
You have done all you can re the girlfriend. She's choosing not to see. At least with your warnings, when it starts for her she'll be quicker to notice.

Do what you need to do. You may have to keep your new address secret from all but a tiny number of trusted people. Your husband may not comply of course, as he doesn't know. If you separate, it's more in your control. Whatever you do, you need to line up your ducks. Get your support in place.

[Finallydonewithhim]

Thank you @picklemewalnuts a house move is on the cards but still in our area. Our region is quite geographically unique. He’d find out where I am. It would need to be away I’d have to move jobs, schools , everything. Plus family commitments here not to mention my darling friends.

[Finallydonewithhim]

His explanation was I had turned up angry- yes I was- and he thought I wanted it rough and hard. The first time he tried to tell me you got triggered you need to stop putting yourself in these situations. The second explanation was I’m really sorry I misread the situation. I didn’t realise.

The other problem is I seek his validation too. The attention is ego boosting. I have also seen him but not for sex. I wanted answers and explanations. I got some but how much is true is impossible to know. I don’t think he knows what truth is.

I also think he’s looking to escape current relationship as he isn’t happy ( he’s not said this but I know) and is hoping I’ll provide the fuck up. He’s a coward who has never ended any relationship himself. He’s always just behaved in a way that leads them to finally end it.

I won’t be providing him any solution to that. Nor his sexual needs. What he has sent and done this last week shows me enough that he won’t change.

[whiteworldgettingwhiter]

But you are allowing this. The other man is not some kind of god who has power over you; you're giving him this power.

Honestly, I'd tell your h what has been happening, block this other man on everything, contact the police if he harasses you, and get some counselling to see why you've been living like this.

Good luck.

[picklemewalnuts]

You're listening to him again, and thinking about him again.

Forget his explanation justification

He injured you. Would you socialise with someone who injured an animal? Then why listen to someone who injured you? This isn't something to talk through.

This can't be helped in any way. I don't know how to help you, but I know you need help. If you disappeared for a month- stayed with a friend or something- could you lose him? Can you change your numbers? Block him?

The fact that he pursues you when you've tried to distance yourself is the last indicator you need that he's an abusive arsehole.

[Tamworth123]

I have seen her since my previous last post. I spelt it out to her. She was told very clearly and asked why I hadn’t gone to police if it was true. I explained the reasons calmly why not. Her response was to announce their relationship on Facebook and do matching his and her profile pics.

He's prepped her, of course.

He knew there was a possibility of you telling her. (He also knew there was a possibility of you reporting him to the police, but he's breathed a sigh of relief and is getting more confident and trying to ree you back as a fuck buddy (for his abusive style of fuck buddy-ing) now that a report hadn't happened in months, he thinks of it hasn't by now, it won't; and no doubt thinks the longer after the assault it's reported, the less likely it is to be prosecuted etc.).

He prepped her and told her you might accuse him of rape/sexual assault because you are any combo of jealous, rejected, bitter, angry, deluded, unstable, obsessive, vengeful etc etc.

He's probably told her you wanted to leave your h for him, and he wasn't interested in that; wasnt interested in a full relationship etc. ....... and so you're hurt, angry, bitter, intensely jealous of his relationship with her, and would do/say anything to try to break them up.

She's believed him (and of course coincides neatly with her clear desire not to end a relationship in which she's apparently quite heavily invested) hence her public statement/reaffirmation of their relationship relationship.

You've told her, she's a lost cause, she'll probably realise what hes like - eventually, but what else can you do.

It's not your fault and it's wholly understandable but you not reporting him has played into her being able to believe him.

(Also you being married and having had an affair with him makes you look potentially dishonest/disordered; another reason she might believe his lies).

[Tamworth123]

Fwiw he appears to be wired for degrading, abusive, quire violent sexual behaviour ... and since he's presumsbly not getting that with her, he's likely to seek it it elsewhere sooner or later.

Him trying to get back in contact with you, and reel you back in, would back that up (now that he thinks the danger of being reported for the rape/sexual assault) is fading/v unlikely).

He will therefore possibly be caught trying to cheat sooner or later, unless he's very effective at hiding it ..... maybe she'll do the 2 monkey impression then too. Not your problem.

Incidentally, I imagine he couldn't use srx workers for this easily, because they cant work (with the multiple clients they need to make good money) with injuries.

(If they were even up for pain and injuries during sex in the first place).

Then there are the costs, even if he could find a sub prostitute.
And the risk of reprisals by pimps, if they are run by pimps (which many foreign sex workers, who seem to make up the majority of sex workers in the uk) if he injures them.

So he'll always be trying to reel in non sex workers women for his brand of escalating violent, degrading sex ... packaged as bdsm.

[Tamworth123]

*It's not your fault and it's wholly understandable but you not reporting him has played into her being able to believe him.

Just to add, she's so far gone I don't think she'd believe you even if you ghd reported him to the police.
She'd just believe it was malicious and anything that remotely suggested it being untrue (like a decision not to prosecute or an unsuccessful prosecution) seized upon as "proof" its a lie.

There are plenty of examples on this forum of women believing and backing up child sex abusers (even convicted child sex abusers) so it's sadly unsurprising women act like this about "adult" sex abusers/ offenders.

[Tamworth123]

His explanation was I had turned up angry- yes I was- and he thought I wanted it rough and hard.

Bullshit.

He used your angry mood as an excuse to do what he wanted.

Oh and there's rough, hard sex - manynof us have had it; it doesn't leave the woman having to having to go to hospital to get injuries checked and treated!!!!
If that were the case, A&E would be chock full of people who'd had rough sex every night.

What he did wasn't rough, hard sex - it was a violent sexual assault/rape resulting in injuries.

And he was ramling up to it with choking without consent too.

Oh and would a responsible, sensible dom (a bit like he's teeth but whatever) choose to go ahead and have sex with a woman who's "angry" and not on an even keel emotionally? No, they wouldn't.

Excuses, excuses. Weak ones.

[Tamworth123]

*like hen's teeth

[Tamworth123]

The other problem is I seek his validation too. The attention is ego boosting.

And he knows it well.

And he's used it to abuse you.

You need to cut all contact, block him. If he persists, tell.him you will report him for harassment if he doesn't stop.

If you need attention and validation, get it from other men who aren't dangerous.

Better still, get counselling re the attention/validation.

[Tamworth123]

His explanation was I had turned up angry

Also, I bet you were angry because of some behaviour of his.

So he abuses/mistreated you/tears you cavaliers.. you naturally get angry .. he then uses your anger as an excuse to further abuse you (in that case severe physical abuse).

Contact with him of any sort is going nowhere good. He's an abuser, he's a sadist , he's a degenerate

Let him fk up his current relationship with whatever messed up degenerate shit he gets up to (for as long as his current partner doesnt find out or puts up with, at the expense of her mental health) ..... you don't don't to be within 100 miles of it.

He can't force you to have contact, you can tell him you'll report him for harassment. Stop giving him power.

[Finallydonewithhim]

Thank you esp @Tamworth123 I’ve had no contact today luckily. Off doing doting boyfriend and decent day - there is a family celebration today- It’s been lovely!

Will reply properly tomorrow.

[Finallydonewithhim]

Decent Dad ( palm childcare offers on her normally)

[Finallydonewithhim]

I have counselling tomorrow. I need to tell her but tbh I haven’t kept him away. I’m right back with the push /pull dynamic.

The emotional side of the better part of our relationship/ long friendship is the hard bit to comes to terms with losing. We know each other too well. There are parts of him I miss terribly.

However he’s never going to change and too much has happened for us ever to get that back.

I suppose I want to believe he’s sorry because it reduces the impact of what he did if that makes sense. However it doesn’t do it. It happened. Whether he meant to or not. It happened.