Leaving an abusive affair/relationship. Warning: discussion of rape. **OP post edited by MNHQ at OP's request***

[Finallydonewithhim]

Long complicated history. Man and I have always gravitated towards each other. Tried friendship - it’s great until the attraction takes hold. We always end up in a dark sexual relationship. Pure lust.

I’m married. He’s had several relationships over this time too. I was prepared at one point to give everything up for him. He couldn’t do it.

Earlier this year he got involved with someone I know. She was warned clearly by a friend of his cheating behaviour and all his flaws. He managed 4 months of staying away then he returned and took advantage of my vulnerable state.

2 months on he has showed me that he is more than happy to be carrying on this without thought or care. He won’t ever stop. He has been very dangerous to me this time around.

I can do my best to keep him away but he’ll always return. The girlfriend is airing her suspicions. I want to do the right thing and go and tell her. I’ve never felt this way about any of the other girlfriends but she deserves so much more.

I do too. My husband does too.

Talk or walk.
Pull the pin on my own grenade.

I want him to stay away forever. I feel this will be the only way to make him.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

*schtm

[PennyRoyal]

Do you have DC? Are they safe?

[girlmom21]

@Hanger0n are you still really focussing on her husband here? No he never deserved any of it. And she knows that. But right now she's protecting her friend from an aggressive rapist so just back off.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@Hanger0n

I really think it might be best for your own wellbeing to step away from this thread as you're continually making the same point over and over again, despite the fact it's been pointed out to you that it's possible to have sympathy for both OP who is a rape victim and her husband.

You don't need to keep mentioning her husband and the fact it's horrible for him that he is in the dark. OP is aware of that and feels terrible. We are all aware of that.

Her priority right now, just at the moment, while she works through her trauma and decides what to do next, is staying safe from the man who raped her.

Your ongoing posts and also your strange and personal private messages to some of us indicate you're either on a mission to hurt OP, you want attention because you're doing the same thing that had a reaction previously, you're unwell or a combination of the above.

Either way, all you're adding to the thread is the same point repeatedly, one that someone with an ounce of empathy would realise has been made now.

[Finallydonewithhim]

I’m safe and so are DC. I have safety plans in place with close friends. They now know enough in case he escalates or try to suck me back in.

His girlfriend appears to have taken him back already. Clearly I didn’t tell her enough. I told her it wasn’t always consensual. That he had caused me to need medical attention. She could look that up so easily if she wanted. She won’t.

There will be others. However my focus now is heal focus and repair.

[Finallydonewithhim]

It’s so hard to see myself as a rape victim. I put myself in that position. However he knows I didn’t consent to that. He won’t accept it though. Says I pushed him to it.

It’s highly triggering of something in my previous sexual abuse. He knew this. That was him showing me his true colours.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

His girlfriend appears to have taken him back already. Clearly I didn’t tell her enough

You tried to tell her, she didn't want to hear it.

She's not ready to.get rid of him yet. Doesn't mean she won't in future.

You've done what you could.. you can't do any more while she won't listen and at the moment probably doesn't want to engage with you.

There's no profile for a rape victim.

Madonna had said she's a rape victim and she's, well Madonna. A seemingly incredibly in control woman.

You didn't agree to what he did, you didn't have consent and he ignored your limits, he left you injured enough to need medical treatment. He's also strangled you with consent more than once.

He is a fucked up, dangerous individual and all you can do is stay away from him. You've tried to tell her what he's like, she doesn't want to hear at this time, you can't do anymore.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

Says I pushed him to it.

A mam incapable of taking responsibility for his actions.

You pushed him to nothing.

The poster who described his descent seemed pretty on point.

He's dangerous now, if he truly wasn't always.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

*without consent

[WhiskeyGalore212]

Like mo.doubt many other posters on here, I'm both angry he'll apparently get away with rape, and worried on behalf on any woman who has sex with him/is involved with him.

[Finallydonewithhim]

Thank you so much @WhiskeyGalore212

I’m really upset at the moment. In real life I don’t feel believed because of her dismissal. This is why people don’t speak out.

Of course the contact afterwards discredits me. Why would she talk to him afterwards let alone message him, even beg almost to make sure things were ok. So fucked up.

She asked if I wanted to be in a relationship with him. I clearly said up until a month ago I’d have said Yes. Now no. There’s been a huge change in my thinking.

I have an assessment for support tomorrow.

My focus has to be on my future. However she may well be more questioning in the future. Am I reasonable to say a few months down the line if she comes to me when I’m healing no I can’t drag this up again. I need to feel there is an end point.

[toocold54]

OP you have told her that’s the main thing. Chances are she will be on higher alert now so if he does something she might question if it’s right or not and then choose to leave him again.

[Finallydonewithhim]

Thank you @toocold54 he is going to be pretty brazen now as she’s shown him what the acceptable limit is.

[Finallydonewithhim]

He’s gone scarily quiet. Maybe he’s realised I’m done. He’s not been at work for a few days ( his vehicle has been seen at home) which has left me more edgy. He’s literally 5 mins from me. When he works it’s 45 mins. At least at work I can relax in daytime

[Finallydonewithhim]

At least when he’s at work I can relax I mean.

[Finallydonewithhim]

To all you lovely posters that had posted before esp @WhiskeyGalore212 he took his time -7 months - but he’s back trying again and seems to have a personality transplant as well as amnesia

Yes of course he has his poor girlfriend clueless.

I don’t want drama or falling out- we live in such a small place we will come into contact but my boundaries are working for now. So thankful for therapy. I know I’m not the only victim here too.

What makes men think they have such power over women!!

[Tamworth123]

Little wonder ophasnt gone to the police given given success rates for prosecuting on behalf of rape and sexual abuse victims, if it's even prosecuted.

Women have been murdered and the men acquitted under the guise of kink sex gone wrong, bdsm, with the consent of the victim assumed etc.

And you question why op wouldn't want to report him.

It's also the case that both men and women are regularly advised not to tell of affairs on here. It's up to op.

[Tamworth123]

Not surprised he's trying to get you back on board op.

He was probably shouting himself you round report him, and you physical injuries to report him with too. He's waited the months out, breathed a sigh of relief and thinks "phew, got away with it, and since she's not reported me maybe she's up for some more of it, maybe she doesn't really mind, or maybe she's weak and I can take advantage of her again".

It's hard to find women who'll put up with that behaviour, he's not going to find replacements easily. He'll try again, like the predator he is, see if he can get back tk the status quo he had. He probably doesbt want to get into bdsm, dangerous, painful sex with his partner because he thinks she won't go for it, he doesnt want to lose the relationship, he needs a steady, "respectable" public/social partner etc.

[Tamworth123]

*He was probably shitting himself you would report him

[Tamworth123]

*amnesia

Ah, Prince Andrew style amnesia.

Rather common that, among sex offenders.

[picklemewalnuts]

OP is in too dangerous a situation.

And why should she tell her husband she's being abused? It's not compulsory for women to tell their husband they've been raped. Some women can tell their husbands. Others know it will only make their trauma or danger worse.

Please shut up worrying about people who are less seriously at risk than OP.

[picklemewalnuts]

Gosh, Finallydone, do make the various counselling services you are involved with aware. Get advice and support on how to minimise your risk.

[Finallydonewithhim]

Thank you @picklemewalnuts and @Tamworth123.

You are spot on about the partner because he thinks she won't go for it, he doesnt want to lose the relationship, he needs a steady, "respectable" public/social partner etc.

I have seen her since my previous last post. I spelt it out to her. She was told very clearly and asked why I hadn’t gone to police if it was true. I explained the reasons calmly why not. Her response was to announce their relationship on Facebook and do matching his and her profile pics.

My focus is in this is me now. Protecting me. My family. I’m considering moving away. It’ll never stop else.