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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving an abusive affair/relationship. Warning: discussion of rape. **OP post edited by MNHQ at OP's request***

291 replies

Finallydonewithhim · 21/07/2021 07:11

Long complicated history. Man and I have always gravitated towards each other. Tried friendship - it’s great until the attraction takes hold. We always end up in a dark sexual relationship. Pure lust.

I’m married. He’s had several relationships over this time too. I was prepared at one point to give everything up for him. He couldn’t do it.

Earlier this year he got involved with someone I know. She was warned clearly by a friend of his cheating behaviour and all his flaws. He managed 4 months of staying away then he returned and took advantage of my vulnerable state.

2 months on he has showed me that he is more than happy to be carrying on this without thought or care. He won’t ever stop. He has been very dangerous to me this time around.

I can do my best to keep him away but he’ll always return. The girlfriend is airing her suspicions. I want to do the right thing and go and tell her. I’ve never felt this way about any of the other girlfriends but she deserves so much more.

I do too. My husband does too.

Talk or walk.
Pull the pin on my own grenade.

I want him to stay away forever. I feel this will be the only way to make him.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/07/2021 14:40

Oh and @newdaynew someone with an ounce of empathy would say 'shit sorry I didn't see the later posts about him assaulting you and raping you, I only read the first couple' or similar. Apologising is a lot more appropriate than saying 'devils advocate' in this sort of situation.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 21/07/2021 14:45

Someone staying in contact and even doing favours does not make them a friend.

I've had a casual (to me) boyfriend abroad stay in constant contact, lend me money when I was broke once etc.

I found out later through reliable sources he was married to a local lady and lying about it; and was hoping to use me to get himself a UK visa since things weren't working out for him the way he wanted in a non English speaking country with tough welfare.

Anyone can appear to be a friend by staying in contact long term.etc.

He was always motivated to stay in contact with you for sex etc.

Hanger0n · 21/07/2021 14:45

What he has done to her is bad yes, I get that. But half of you seem to be completely ignoring that what she is doing to her husband is pretty despicable too. He needs to know how long this has been going on. That's the way to end it. Not by telling the OW, but by telling the man she's married to. There's not going to be a happy ending either way. Perhaps OP can explain why her first thought was to tell the other woman rather than telling her husband? That's the part I struggle with.

JustLyra · 21/07/2021 14:46

Nobody else you can think of that it might be fair of her to speak to? Anyone? You know, wedding vows etc? No?

@Hanger0n You don’t think keeping herself safe from a rapist who has throttled her should be the priority right now?

Fair can be dealt with after not being injured further, or worse, by this creature.

JustLyra · 21/07/2021 14:48

@Hanger0n

What he has done to her is bad yes, I get that. But half of you seem to be completely ignoring that what she is doing to her husband is pretty despicable too. He needs to know how long this has been going on. That's the way to end it. Not by telling the OW, but by telling the man she's married to. There's not going to be a happy ending either way. Perhaps OP can explain why her first thought was to tell the other woman rather than telling her husband? That's the part I struggle with.
Well yes, when someone is raped and injured to the point of needing medical treatment it is normal to deal with that first rather than getting moralistic about what they’ve been doing in the lead up to being raped and injured to the point of needing medical treatment.
spanishlinnet · 21/07/2021 14:53

Can your husband protect you from this man, OP?
Is there some way you could protect this man's girlfriend too as it sounds like he is escalating?

minatrina · 21/07/2021 14:57

@Hanger0n

What he has done to her is bad yes, I get that. But half of you seem to be completely ignoring that what she is doing to her husband is pretty despicable too. He needs to know how long this has been going on. That's the way to end it. Not by telling the OW, but by telling the man she's married to. There's not going to be a happy ending either way. Perhaps OP can explain why her first thought was to tell the other woman rather than telling her husband? That's the part I struggle with.
Give the woman a break Jesus Christ you can see she's going through something dreadful
Hanger0n · 21/07/2021 14:58

@justlyra exactly my point. The husband is completely dismissed. You don't think he might like to know his wife has been raped by someone she's been cheating on him with? Does he not deserve an opportunity to decide if he wants to stay with her, or is girl power these days all about dismissing any thoughts the deceived husband might have about this mess?

Hanger0n · 21/07/2021 15:00

@minitrina yes, I can also see her husband has been treated appallingly. There isn't just one victim in this. Try looking at the wider picture.

toocold54 · 21/07/2021 15:00

Someone staying in contact and even doing favours does not make them a friend.

I misread and didn’t realise he’s still in contact!
You definitely need to stop all contact immediately (and report him) what happens if you bump into him somewhere there’s nothing stopping him dragging you into his car and taking you somewhere secluded.

minatrina · 21/07/2021 15:01

[quote Hanger0n]@minitrina yes, I can also see her husband has been treated appallingly. There isn't just one victim in this. Try looking at the wider picture.[/quote]
Yes okay fine. But surely you have a slight bit of empathy to see that's not the most serious issue at hand right now, and that OP is not in a good place?

toocold54 · 21/07/2021 15:02

That's the way to end it. Not by telling the OW, but by telling the man she's married to.

Once she tells the new gf her husband is bound to find out anyway so that’s probably what her predicament is.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 21/07/2021 15:05

I misread and didn’t realise he’s still in contact!

I think op has not been in contact with this "man" for quite a few days.

I was referring to op describing him as a long-standing friend, how could he have done this etc. Abd I I just saying that.somejne staying in contact longterm fies not make them a friend. They can have decidedly unfriend like motives. Groomers can spend years grooming families for example.

JustLyra · 21/07/2021 15:13

[quote Hanger0n]@justlyra exactly my point. The husband is completely dismissed. You don't think he might like to know his wife has been raped by someone she's been cheating on him with? Does he not deserve an opportunity to decide if he wants to stay with her, or is girl power these days all about dismissing any thoughts the deceived husband might have about this mess?[/quote]
Girl power? Have you heard yourself?

This is a woman who has been anally raped and assaulted to the point of needing medical attention at the hands of a man who has used throttling/strangulation as a method of assault. That is something that is a well known massive red flag in abusive situations.

The wider picture can wait a little until the OP isn’t at risk of becoming another female murder statistic.

Hanger0n · 21/07/2021 15:15

And the other party in this situation is being completely dismissed. That's wrong.

JustLyra · 21/07/2021 15:17

@Hanger0n

And the other party in this situation is being completely dismissed. That's wrong.
The other party is not at risk of being murdered.

His wife absolutely should tell him about her affair (he doesn’t have a “right” as you said to know she’s been raped, that’s up to her), however she is absolutely right to prioritise keeping herself safe and alive from escalating violence.

Hanger0n · 21/07/2021 15:18

@minatrina her husband isn't in a particularly good place right now either. He just doesn't know it yet. I have empathy for him too. I'm sorry you don't, but I can see plenty of others don't either so you're not alone Hmm

minatrina · 21/07/2021 15:19

[quote Hanger0n]@minatrina her husband isn't in a particularly good place right now either. He just doesn't know it yet. I have empathy for him too. I'm sorry you don't, but I can see plenty of others don't either so you're not alone Hmm[/quote]
Oh give it a rest please, I don't know what joy you're taking in kicking someone when they're down but if you're going to compare being cheated on to being sexually and psychologically abused then I don't know what hope there is for you

QuentinBunbury · 21/07/2021 15:19

&Nobody else you can think of that it might be fair of her to speak to? Anyone? You know, wedding vows etc? No?*
My concern is protecting her life. Her DH is likely to get very distracted (totally understandably) by the back story. So in this case, yes I think speaking to the police is more of an immediate priority than speaking to her husband.

Hanger0n · 21/07/2021 15:21

@justlyra would you not consider honesty a good starting point to keeping safe?

BillyShears · 21/07/2021 15:21

I feel bad for you in as much as I’ve had a dark and weird sexual relationship with someone who was very bad for me in the past. BUT you’re an adult and your husband deserves better. Unless you were being actually coerced into whatever has gone on, you were and are capable of stopping it. Personally I don’t know if it’s worth ruining your own life for. You can keep out of his way without imploding.

Hanger0n · 21/07/2021 15:22

@minatrina please don't be rude Blush

JustLyra · 21/07/2021 15:26

[quote Hanger0n]@justlyra would you not consider honesty a good starting point to keeping safe?[/quote]
Not necessarily in this situation, no.

The best thing, imo, for the OP to do would be to speak to a SARC or similar who can actually signpost her to people who have experience of these situations and can actually help her.

The violence toward the OP is ramping up as she gets more out of her abusers control. If she tells her husband she has no way of knowing what he’ll do - handled in the wrong way then the OP could be left even more vulnerable to this man, who has already shown one of the biggest red flags in a violent situation.

The morally correct thing to do should take a backseat for now to dealing with this situation in the safest way possible.

QuentinBunbury · 21/07/2021 15:29

I suggest we focus on supporting OP rather than debating other posters advice

Hanger0n · 21/07/2021 15:30

I get that justlyra, I just don't think it's going to end particularly well either way when the extent of the deceit is revealed. OP is going to have more than just the OM to worry about anyway.