Leaving an abusive affair/relationship. Warning: discussion of rape. **OP post edited by MNHQ at OP's request***

[Finallydonewithhim]

Long complicated history. Man and I have always gravitated towards each other. Tried friendship - it’s great until the attraction takes hold. We always end up in a dark sexual relationship. Pure lust.

I’m married. He’s had several relationships over this time too. I was prepared at one point to give everything up for him. He couldn’t do it.

Earlier this year he got involved with someone I know. She was warned clearly by a friend of his cheating behaviour and all his flaws. He managed 4 months of staying away then he returned and took advantage of my vulnerable state.

2 months on he has showed me that he is more than happy to be carrying on this without thought or care. He won’t ever stop. He has been very dangerous to me this time around.

I can do my best to keep him away but he’ll always return. The girlfriend is airing her suspicions. I want to do the right thing and go and tell her. I’ve never felt this way about any of the other girlfriends but she deserves so much more.

I do too. My husband does too.

Talk or walk.
Pull the pin on my own grenade.

I want him to stay away forever. I feel this will be the only way to make him.

@JustLyra so if OP had come on here saying it was her husband who was the abuser you wouldn’t tell her to leave him and report him?
Because that’s minimising rape and implying that OP deserves it because she’s the one who has chosen to be with him?

Of course you would (hopefully) tell her to leave her husband if he was abusing her.
So why when I say to get away from her abuser and report him to the police does it mean I am minimising rape??

No, my comments would be exactly the same.

The OP should, when she feels ready (as she has done) make contact with the likes of Women's Aid or Rape Crisis so that she can be supported to make what choices she wants to make going forward.

She needs help and support from people who know what they are doing to help her take control of her life back. Not be told "report it" like that's an easy step to make, or one she absolutely must take.

Nobody should tell someone in this situation what to do. They've had enough of their choices and decisions removed from them by their abusers.

Your minimising is in your glib statements of what the OP should do. If it was as simple as "get as far away and report" then abusive relationships wouldn't be so difficult to escape from. If it was as simple as that she'd already have done it. She hasn't because it's not.

The OP should, when she feels ready (as she has done) make contact with the likes of Women's Aid or Rape Crisis so that she can be supported to make what choices she wants to make going forward.

She needs help and support from people who know what they are doing to help her take control of her life back. Not be told "report it" like that's an easy step to make, or one she absolutely must take.

Are you serious! I can’t believe you’re essentially playing down what’s gone on.
You are the one minimising rape. I don’t know anyone who would admit that if someone was in an abusive relationship you wouldn’t tell them to leave or report it to the police

Of course she should report it. If he raped and abused her he will do it to someone else. He is now with her friend and it is going to come out soon which will be out of her control. So she needs to take back control and come clean to her husband, friend and report it.
Obviously it is not easy but it doesn’t get easier by people like you acting like there’s nothing she can do about it.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

You shouldn't even be thinking about the husband, his feeling are irrelevant right now.

Do you genuinely not get that people can have huge sympathy for her husband being in the dark about this and have huge sympathy for her being a victim of rape and think that minimising the risk of her abuser escalating and having some emotional support on here is the most important thing right now. People can think all those things simultaneously. You seem to think this is a childish 'whose side are you on' thing. It's not. Right now, OP is the victim of a rape perpetrated by her affair partner. Does that mean it's ok she had an affair? Nope. Does that mean it's ok her husband doesn't know? Nope. Does it mean that people should push and push and push the guilt factor and keep mentioning the husband should know when OP already feels terrible about it and has been recovering from being anally raped? NO. Please have some compassion.

To even make a sarcy, snarky comment like 'his feelings are irrelevant" (as if anyone has implied such a thing) on such a sensitive thread is unreal. Flippant and callous.

People can feel incredibly sorry for both her husband being betrayed AND her being assaulted. The immediate priority is for OP to be safe. That may or may not involve her telling her husband immediately, or in a week, or in a month. Her health and wellbeing is priority right now.

I'm gutted that women have said the things they've said to a rape victim on this thread.

Again, it's possible for most people to empathise with both parties. There's no need to pick a side. This is bigger and more serious than sides.

You're doing so much more harm than good on this thread. I really think it's bordering on cruel now.

@toocold54

The OP should, when she feels ready (as she has done) make contact with the likes of Women's Aid or Rape Crisis so that she can be supported to make what choices she wants to make going forward.

She needs help and support from people who know what they are doing to help her take control of her life back. Not be told "report it" like that's an easy step to make, or one she absolutely must take.

Are you serious! I can’t believe you’re essentially playing down what’s gone on.
You are the one minimising rape. I don’t know anyone who would admit that if someone was in an abusive relationship you wouldn’t tell them to leave or report it to the police

Of course she should report it. If he raped and abused her he will do it to someone else. He is now with her friend and it is going to come out soon which will be out of her control. So she needs to take back control and come clean to her husband, friend and report it.
Obviously it is not easy but it doesn’t get easier by people like you acting like there’s nothing she can do about it.

Read my posts and you’ll see I’m not remotely playing it down. It’s because it’s so serious people shouldn’t be barking instructions at the OP like it’s an easy thing to do.

Once you tell someone in an abusive situation what to do you put them in the position of potentially not being able to use that support outlet if they don’t feel able to do what you told them to at that point (it takes the average abuse victim 7+ attempts to escape).

The OP stands a much better chance of escaping her situation if, with the correct support from professionals, she decides what she wants to do going forward.

She needs to take back control by doing what she wants to do and what she feels able to do at each step.
Not everyone can take the step of escaping, telling people and reporting at once.

Stop twisting what I’ve said for your own pathetic agenda. I’ve not once said the OP can do nothing.

What she can best do is get the right help to get herself safe and take back control of her life. She doesn’t do that by people dictating to her what she should do and when.

It’s never as simple as walk away and report. If it was women’s aid and the likes wouldn’t be needed.

Read my posts and you’ll see I’m not remotely playing it down. It’s because it’s so serious people shouldn’t be barking instructions at the OP like it’s an easy thing to do.

No you are giving her wrong advice. I’ve never said it’s an easy thing to do.
I am on another thread with someone who’s husband is abusive and she has no where to go, no family, no money etc so her situation is very bad but still every single person is telling her to leave and report him.
Not one person has said stay in that situation and decide what’s best for you.

Yes OP is in a slightly different situation as she doesn’t live with him but things are escalating and it’s not just about her now, she has a friend who is very much in danger and a husband and children who she’s not only been cheating on but they are at risk of being dragged into it somehow.

Of course it is hard to leave, report and confess all at the same time but that’s why I said to tell her husband/friend first as it is going to come out.
So either she takes control and sits them down and tells her story or the other guy will get there first.

If a man came on here and said he’s married and has children but he’s been having sex with his friends gf and he’s genuinely worried for his friends safety and that he’s being blackmailed to continue to have sex with her - every single person would be telling him to end the affair and come clean to his wife and friend so they can protect themselves and the OW loses her power over him.

@toocold54

And if you bother to read what I’ve said one of the reasons I’ve said about seeking proper advise first is because we have no idea how her husband will react.

I haven’t told her to stay. You’re twisting that from absolutely nowhere.

The OP has a history of being targeted by predatory men. Telling her husband could easily be telling another predatory man. It could also be telling a nice guy who kicks her out and leaves her vulnerable. It could be telling a guy who’ll help her be safe, but we don’t know.

The key for the OP is her safety. Adding another upset or angry person into the mix without proper back up to escape safely from the likes of Women’s Aid is potentially just adding fuel to the fire.

If a man came on here and said he’s married and has children but he’s been having sex with his friends gf and he’s genuinely worried for his friends safety and that he’s being blackmailed to continue to have sex with her - every single person would be telling him to end the affair and come clean to his wife and friend so they can protect themselves and the OW loses her power over him.

A man being blackmailed by a woman is a completely different situation than a sexual abuse survivor who is being raped and abused by a man. Completely different.

The OP has a history of being targeted by predatory men. Telling her husband could easily be telling another predatory man. It could also be telling a nice guy who kicks her out and leaves her vulnerable. It could be telling a guy who’ll help her be safe, but we don’t know.

I get what you’re saying but he is going to find out any day now. That would be completely out of her control and the only way she can gain some control back would be to get in there first and explain her side of the story so it isn’t twisted. She also has children she needs to think about.
OP is not physically with this man so I am more concerned for her friend who has no idea what he is capable of and is happily going to places alone with him.

And I would say OP is being blackmailed by him which is why he’s turning up at her house because he’s worried she’ll tell her husband.
That would be exactly the same if a man had been abused by a women and was in the same situation. It’s exactly the same.

Will you two please stop making the thread about yourselves. This is a very serious topic

@toocold54

The OP has a history of being targeted by predatory men. Telling her husband could easily be telling another predatory man. It could also be telling a nice guy who kicks her out and leaves her vulnerable. It could be telling a guy who’ll help her be safe, but we don’t know.

I get what you’re saying but he is going to find out any day now. That would be completely out of her control and the only way she can gain some control back would be to get in there first and explain her side of the story so it isn’t twisted. She also has children she needs to think about.
OP is not physically with this man so I am more concerned for her friend who has no idea what he is capable of and is happily going to places alone with him.

And I would say OP is being blackmailed by him which is why he’s turning up at her house because he’s worried she’ll tell her husband.
That would be exactly the same if a man had been abused by a women and was in the same situation. It’s exactly the same.

The only way she can take back control is by getting herself safe. The best way to do that, imo, is with all the options professional services can offer, rather than relying on other people’s reactions first.

The OP, in her situation, is completely different from a man being only (not downplaying blackmail, but it’s not the most serious part of the OP’s situation) blackmailed.

The OP’s abuser has gone for her neck. That’s the biggest red flag in violent men. The OP’s life is in danger. That’s vastly different from blackmail.

There’s no point in debating this over and over. Your opinion is one, mine is that the OP is better engaging (as she has) with professional services before her husband because the situation is so serious and because we don’t know if he is a nice guy or another predator.
Which is not remotely saying she should do nothing, as you accused me of saying.

Thank you for those who have supported me. I am taking the comments on board.

He’s basically moved in with the girlfriend. He’s probably in the charming stage. Now I’m removing myself I have no doubt he’ll not be able to maintain that.

Im booking an Sti test.

You need to get out, stop contact with him, get police involved for the abuse.
Of you want to tell his gf then do it and also tell your poor dh that you've been having an affair

Op is that why he's not contacted you do you think? Maybe this will be the break you need if you don't want to go to the police. Hope you're ok and he stays away

No he’s been living there pretty much since a few weeks in. Completely love bombed and targeted ( he wanted a solution to his housing situation)

However I hope his recent actions have scared him into thinking about what he’s done.

Sometimes, when you can't make the right decisions or "pull the trigger" on action, someone has to do that for you.

If you are even half-serious about not ever wanting to see this man again, please seek decision-making help OP.

In this case, the husband might start a chain of events that might lead to a resolution. Charity won't do it, counselling won't. Police might.

But honestly, I don't think you really want to be apart from this man (hence the hyper focus on his girlfriend).
And no, I'm not minimising anything by stating the above. It is very, very common for the abused actively encouraging the toxic relationship to continue. Like picking at a scab : you know it's painful, unsightly, even dangerous to not let a wound heal but at the same time it's too hard to let it go - there is this dark enjoyment in the the process. It is a compulsion, obsession, insanity even.

When my new boyfriend raped me, my ex husband found out. I had trillion reasons why I couldn't report it, I made my exH swear he won't let anyone know. He promised. And then he called the police. The only way that was ever possible, was that somebody with a clear head and an ability to make that decision, made the call for me.

There are people who actively choose (no matter what the root cause) relationships that remain abusive throughout their duration. It's an awful fact of life. But one thing I'd like to say - your children and your husband OP, don't deserve to be an unknowing/unwilling party to your relationship choices. Your husband deserves to be able to make his decisions that might involve safeguarding considerations. I would feel very, very betrayed if my DH would experience some highly volatile situation (particularly a crime taking place in my own home! ) and I'd not be made aware of that. You are unable to keep anyone safe in this situation, OP. Let others save themselves, who knows, they might help you too in the process.

No he’s been living there pretty much since a few weeks in. Completely love bombed and targeted ( he wanted a solution to his housing situation)

I think the most important person here is the friend.
She is living with a violent and very manipulative man.
If you don’t want to tell your husband or report him find but at least tell your friend so she can protect herself from him.

If I could be assured of her not disclosing to him that I’ve spoken to her and her reasons for ending the relationship I would.

However as soon as I tell her then he’ll be at my door. I can’t risk that.

OP I'm very sorry you are going through this, but as you know abusers function so well in the dark. By not telling your husband you are giving this man all the power.
Once it's out in the open he will no longer have the power.

I don't know if you heard of the Graham Dwyer case in Ireland, but it sounds very similar to your situation. In the end he killed the poor woman, but not before making her an unwitting accomplice of her own murder.

She kept his secrets, don't keep this man's.

However as soon as I tell her then he’ll be at my door. I can’t risk that.

But she is your friend. Do you really want her going through what he’s put you through? And it would be even worse if they are living together as she won’t be able to escape from him.

"I want him to stay away forever". So what are you going to do, OP?

@HollySass

"I want him to stay away forever". So what are you going to do, OP?

That's pretty clear.

Ive told her as much as she was willing to listen to. She didn’t want to know the complex darker stuff. I tried. Hopefully she’ll reflect on it.

It sounds like she will be ending it. I’ve told her to be careful and apologised hugely. She’s very angry right now. He knows too.

She is a good person and didn’t deserve this.

This is a very unsafe time for me now emotionally and physically.

You absolutely did the right thing op.

Have you spoken to your husband in case he follows through on his threats?

Also you should make sure he can't get you alone at any point now.

She may be willing to hear more in future, it was probably overwhelming just finding out what she thought was her great new partner has been cheating on her for months, let alone even considering he's a rapist, violent, coercive etc. too.

Bit whether she does or doesn't she knows knows enough and you've done the right thing, even though it puts you in the position of him exposing your "affair"

If you think there's a chance gell tell your husband, it's best coming from you first.

Though he may be reluctant because be may think it'll result in police involvement/the rape being pursued legally etc. To protect himself he may keep scheme.