Leaving an abusive affair/relationship. Warning: discussion of rape. **OP post edited by MNHQ at OP's request***

[Finallydonewithhim]

Long complicated history. Man and I have always gravitated towards each other. Tried friendship - it’s great until the attraction takes hold. We always end up in a dark sexual relationship. Pure lust.

I’m married. He’s had several relationships over this time too. I was prepared at one point to give everything up for him. He couldn’t do it.

Earlier this year he got involved with someone I know. She was warned clearly by a friend of his cheating behaviour and all his flaws. He managed 4 months of staying away then he returned and took advantage of my vulnerable state.

2 months on he has showed me that he is more than happy to be carrying on this without thought or care. He won’t ever stop. He has been very dangerous to me this time around.

I can do my best to keep him away but he’ll always return. The girlfriend is airing her suspicions. I want to do the right thing and go and tell her. I’ve never felt this way about any of the other girlfriends but she deserves so much more.

I do too. My husband does too.

Talk or walk.
Pull the pin on my own grenade.

I want him to stay away forever. I feel this will be the only way to make him.

[stellaisabella]

Make him stay away. Block him. It really is that easy.

[Finallydonewithhim]

Also I’ve posted in Relationships not AIBU.

Please if you just want to pile on the abuse stop.

When you are trying to leave an abusive relationship it’s the most dangerous time. He knows he’s losing control of me. That’s why his behaviour has escalated. I’ve had to have medical treatment recently because of him.

I am trying my best to maintain my safety and my mental health.
My moral conscience is pulling at me between self protection and coming clean so he never ever comes back again.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

Sorry about the typos.

He's a predatory, deeply exploitative, sick individual and he actually sounds dangerous.

I find it so sad and angering that you've been a victim of sexual abuse and that has perpetuated through to your adulthood with this "relationship" with this sick bastard, who knows about it.

[Bluntness100]

I think op it’s fine for you to wish to tell her, but you need to tell your husband first.

[acolderwar]

So block him, and report him to the police. You really are making this more convoluted than it needs to be.

[rishisboater]

Well done for seeking the help. I really hope you can get better. It sounds like you've head an awful time.

I still think you shouldn't tell her.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

I’ve had to have medical treatment recently because of him.

OK, he doesn't sound dangerous, he is dangerous.

He's a fake dom.

He's got some sort of personality disorder and you need to get the fuck away from him and stsg the fuck away from him.

You can do it.

[Finallydonewithhim]

Thank you @WhiskeyGalore212 and @Baberuthie who are getting this. It’s not purely bdsm either.

Should have posted more context.

Yes I know this. He’s dangerous. He is relying on my silence to continue it. He’s gone quiet himself for now. I think the last two incidents showed him and I how far this has gone. He turned up at my house and I had to do it to get him gone. He also didn’t accept no on another two occasions.

[N0ManJan]

OP is there a chance your DH knows about the affair? Just if you’ve needed medical attention recently surely he’s noticed?
I agree with other posters that you need to talk to DH before you tell anyone else. I hope that you get safe soon

[Finallydonewithhim]

He wants me to be the Dom. Finally done it. Then he gets aggressive.

[RevolvingPivot]

@Finallydonewithhim

Also I’ve posted in Relationships not AIBU.

Please if you just want to pile on the abuse stop.

When you are trying to leave an abusive relationship it’s the most dangerous time. He knows he’s losing control of me. That’s why his behaviour has escalated. I’ve had to have medical treatment recently because of him.

I am trying my best to maintain my safety and my mental health.
My moral conscience is pulling at me between self protection and coming clean so he never ever comes back again.

Op this thread is in "active threads" people don't always see which section it's in before they comment.

Ask for it to be removed from active. I've asked that before and they have done so.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

coming clean so he never ever comes back again.

First if all, it shouldn't matter if he comes back again.... because you have agency, you gave the right and ability to not have anything to.dm with him and if he doesn't respect that right, he can see how he likes a report of harassment to the police.

It shouldn't be up to him.


Secondly, with someone like this - I think it's perfectly possible you could be a factor in ending his current relationship by letting letting gf know he's a cheat (the least bad thing he is) and and could be angry and could retaliate etc....
And he could still come looking for sex etc with you, for a number of reasons.

The main one being that getting bdsm partners, free and who don't report you for hurting them badly enough to need medical attention, is very difficult.

In fact even most sex workers would not put up with it for money.

He's got a valuable resource in you and ots pisdjble he'd still try to come back to tap it, even if you do tell and cause his current relationship to end.

He'll probably think you're even more vulnerable if you and you husband break up.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

He turned up at my house and I had to do it to get him gone. He also didn’t accept no on another two occasions.

I think bdsm.is mostly bullshit anyway, but this is not it. It's not consent, it's not agreement. Its just rape and abuse.

Like many men he's an abuser using bdsm.as a cover.

He sounds like he's becoming unhinged (not that that always wasn't).

You sound like you've been in this game sub role for so long that you think you don't have the right to say no. That you have no agency.

You do and our law system is there to back you up. You don't have to see him or have any contact with him, and he can be reported to the police and given non molestation orders if he doesn't respect your rights.

Is he using your h not knowing as blackmail?

[WhiskeyGalore212]

*fake sub role

[IfIHadAHeart]

He sounds worryingly like someone I know. Is his first initial J by any chance

[Finallydonewithhim]

No DH doesn’t know about the medical attention. It was an area he wouldn’t see. I passed off my pain as something else.

He has always been clear that he wouldn’t never tell DH except once. Warning me that I’d sow a breeze and reap a whirlwind.

For now I’ve had a few days of no contact. If I block him he’ll be angry.

I can’t tell her can I? I know what it’ll bring.

Two friends know the truth. One has my location shared. I’ve agreed to be honest with her if I go out to meet him. Him turning up worried us both.

I’ve tried gray rock. I need to move to no contact eventually. He’ll find a new supply. His poor girlfriend

[RhubarbCustardy]

He's blackmailing you then. If you tell your husband then he's got no reason to blackmail. Also sounds like you're addicted to the situation. If it's dangerous then you need to get out of the situation. Whether you tell the other woman is a separate issue. Sort your situation first then maybe consider it but explain to her why you're afraid that he might find out that you told her.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

He also sounds like a habit verging on addiction/compulsion for you. You need to break it, you need to go cold turkey. Unfortunately there is no methadone for this type of addiction. If you have contact with him he'll drag you back in.


It has to be you who cuts him off and decides to keep him out of your life on an ongoing basis. It will be difficult at first bit will get easier.

What did he do when he got "aggressive", what injuries did he inflicting on you?
This guy sounds like he could (accidentally?) kill you if this continues along this path.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

As per the poster above, I'd put the issue of if and when you tell his current gf to to side.

You need to extract yourself out of this abusive and potentially dangerous involvement now.

So, if you block him or ignore him, he'll get angry (well luckily he doesn't rule the world, he doesn't rule anything) .. what will he do?

What steps will need to be taken to preempt or deal with his god like anger?

[minatrina]

I'm normally 100% on the "tell the girlfriend/wife" team, but this situation sounds very dangerous OP. I would put the issue of whether you tell her or not (I don't think you should for your own safety btw) out of your mind completely and focus on getting yourself self and get him out of your life. I'm glad you've reached out to a charity, I'd follow their advice definitely x

[WhiskeyGalore212]

I need to move to no contact eventually.

No, now.

You've had to have medical treatment for injuries he's inflicted on you. And you didn't really consent to the activity in the first place by the sounds of it.

He's not going to tell your husband in case you tell his gf.

But you'd be best to tell your husband anyway; how do you feel about doing that?

Can you cope financially etc if he moves out?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Tell your husband and contact the police. This other woman in none of your business and it’s a waste of your energy to go down that route. She probably won’t believe you anyway, I doubt you’d have listen when you were still having fun before you say his behaviour escalated.

[Finallydonewithhim]

I’m at the lowest point I’ve ever been mental health resilience wise except I don’t feel suicidal this time. This man has used my recent life events to get control deeper on me.

I know I need to tell DH. I know it’ll probably end us. I think deep down I need to accept that we aren’t suited but he’s a good man and a good father.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I expect it will end the marriage. He’s a victim here too.

[Bluntness100]

So to summarise you want his partner to know but not yours? Is this correct? You’ve been having an affair for years and it’s turned toxic in the last 18 months? You wished to leave your husband for him but he didn’t wish this, and still doesn’t?