First baby, difficult temperament = no more kids

[JC2021]

Looking into this idea that if you have your first baby and it hits you like a ton of bricks as they don't sleep well, cry often, colic, reflux and in general are difficult (no matter how much you love them!) surely this would put you off having or wanting anymore?!

I've seen mums who clearly have found parenting their first little one an absolute breeze, sleeping through/well, feeding well which is really great but surely they are the ones who have more children?!

No one speaks much about temperament of children..

My kids were fine as babies (had their moments like they all do but we coped). It was my pregnancies that almost killed me! First was morning sickness all day every day for 13 weeks, followed by a placental abruption and premature birth at 31 weeks, second was the morning sickness again, followed by a kidney infection and a 3 week early arrival with a week in hospital straight after for stomach problems (the baby, not me).

Luckily we only ever wanted two!

My eldest was very high needs turns out he has adhd/asd. It nearly killed me and I ended up with pnd. I went on to have two more. Mainly, I suspect, to prove to myself that I wasn't just a shit mother! (I'm kidding. Sort of 😂)

A d first pregnancy was also awful as I found out I have a bicornuate uterus when I went into hospital with agonising kidney pains, only to discover that my PFB was lying across my ureter, which was causing my kidney to back up with urine (pain like a kidney stone) so I had to have a nephrostomy (tube inserted into my kidney through my back) with a wee-bag strapped to my leg fit the last 4 months of my pregnancy!

I still went on to have two more (thankfully the problem didn't repeat itself although I got Flu and gastroenteritis with my second and was polyhydramnious with my third!)

@CatalinaCasesolver

I have a fabulously chilled child who was a dream baby and I'm only having the one.

Same. I got so lucky i'm scared to rock the boat

I don't know, I often see posts on here where people are reluctant to have a second as their first is so easy and they feel really lucky and know it probably wouldn't be that easy again.

I knew my first baby was difficult and that it was just luck of the draw, I saw people on here talk about watching box sets all day and that just wouldn't have been possible with him. He wouldn't let me sit down.

True for me. My baby is easy in some ways (absolute love, never whines, happy and smiley and giggly) but very hard in others (terrible reflux, abominable sleeper, total Velcro baby). I don’t think I will have another. But if you had asked me before I had him I’d have said I wanted two or three! If he would only sleep things might be different but the sleep deprivation has broken me and I don’t think I could go through it again.

My DM told me that if any of my siblings had been her first rather than me then they’d not exist

I only have my DTs. I wish I’d had more like I wanted to before they hit 2, because their behaviour since has pretty much put me off of any more.

My SIL was one of the unfortunate souls who had terrible HG for all nine months.

She still gutted it out for two (albeit four years apart) but was sterilised during delivery of her second.

I don't think this is true at all. I always knew I wanted multiple children. DS1 was really difficult between ages 3-5 to the point I would have told you I didn't want to be a parent at all, and I still had another baby when he was 10. I didn't forget it, I just think it's unlikely that another child would be exactly like that - but I am open to the fact they may be challenging in other ways!

The fact that I wanted multiple children never went away just because it was hard.

My son is hard and after having to. Decided I don't want more children. Currently considering sterilisation.

DS1 also didn't sleep through until 2.5 and didn't really eat solid food until he was nearly 2, but I didn't find these things difficult (except that I kept getting loads of unsolicited advice from others about his feeding which was annoying/stressful). So I guess you could call him a difficult temperament! It was only his behaviour in those preschool years that I really struggled with.

I'm going through this right now with DS 16mo who is my first. He was a preemie, NICU stay, unable to bf, reflux/colic and all during lockdown. He's never slept through the night not once (I think I will cry when he does - it will be a miracle!) and he needs ALL the attention ALL the time. He can't play himself for longer than 2 minutes by himself, I am exhausted. Multiple night wakings still and we've ended up co-sleeping which I can't see a way out of. Takes an hour to get him to sleep for the night/naps... he's generally just really high maintenance in every way lol. I always wanted more kids but now I'm genuinely worried if the next one day I'll be the same.

Apart from all that he is wonderful...

Oh and in relation to your OP, definitely all to do with his tempermant. He's very high energy and very sociable. Very comfortable with lots of people and noise. When I compare him to my colder tempermant niece who was the easiest going baby around, she's more inclined to laziness and loves sleep (slept 7-7!! How do these babies exist?!?) slower developmentally though than him at a similar age but much easier to be around in that she didn't need as much input and energy.

First was horrendous. Undiagnosed tt and cried non-stop.

Second was much easier.

My first dd milk allergy severe reflux 4 months of what I can describe as hell on earth with around 3/4 hours sleep a day I actually think I was traumatised for years , didn't keep the rest of my embryos was done having kids....... Dd is now 5 and done ivf again and I am now pregnant with ds with 5 in the freezer might consider a third down the line still not sure when I changed my mind but it just gets easier you cope better I think rather than people who have the easy kids (my sil who's baby never even cried but who is now an extremely difficult toddler) think it's easy before their kids can move around so have another then the chaos begins as they approach 18 month, it's also hard to get through it all and once your child has grown and start again so I think a lot of people it's due to not wanting to go through it all again once their dc are grown up abit.

Amazing to know I'm not alone in this..!! I just seem to meet so many mums who have had an easy ride with their baby/toddler and I find it hard to be around them as they just don't get it or appear judgmental.. myself and my DH are on the whole very chilled people so it's all a shock to us 👶 it's not helped our relationship we are having therapy to stay together.. really do hope there's no adhd or autism - he seems very bright intelligent just very high needs I think...

My first child was awful. Never slept. Cried all the time. Couldn't be put down. We now know they have allergies that made their little life miserable, and since addressing them it's like having a new child. We still get the normal toddler tantrums of course, but they are no longer in such discomfort that they can't sleep, and therefore no longer so tired they can't function during the day.

Despite this, I wanted a second child, and I wanted them close together. Second child is a few months old and is completely different to first child. An absolute dream of a baby actually. Never cries, sleeps, when awake is happy and engaged. Everything child 1 wasnt.

When pregnant with child 2 and still struggling with child 1 I had many a night where I was so worried that id made a terrible mistake. that child 1 wouldn't cope. That i wouldn't cope. That child 2 would have the same problems as child 1 and my marriage would disintegrate.

I'm beyond grateful that it hasn't happened yet, acutely aware that it still could, and also more fiercely protective of child 1 than ever, because I can see just how much discomfort they must have been in, and for so long.

I genuinely think I had a kind of mild PTSD from the early weeks and months - DH had the snip when she was still a baby and we have zero regrets about that. I just couldn't go through that again but I already knew I only wanted one anyway, which is a good job really!

I agree, DS1 was such a lovely, contented, adorable baby. Had DS2 when DS1 was 21mths, what a shock. And the reason why there wasn’t never, ever going to be a 3rd!

My son is so intuitive, sensitive and a beautiful old soul, he will be 3 in October..! He amazes me with the things he remembers and the music he likes..

For example Dom McClean Starry night - he says "mama, this is beautiful"...

Omg heart melts.. I'm not just saying this, but he isn't your average 3 year old.. (at times he certainly is!) but I mean his general level of awareness.

At times I'm quite gobsmacked..

He is wonderful and so kind..

If my second child had been my first, I doubt I would have had anymore. I did go on to have a third after him though 🤣

My first child was off the scale hard with reflux, colic, eczema, allergies, you name it, and gave me awful post natal anxiety. I am an only child and need a lot of convincing to go around a second time. After my eldest was 2 I felt differently and my second baby also has allergies but is a completely different personality. She's been so easy! I'm so glad I went for it. We were prepared to be right back in the trenches but it hasn't been bad at all, it's been wonderful.
And I think it is all personality, they are such different people already

My first was really hard work and that has continued right through to adulthood! BUT because she was my first, I thought that is just how it was. It was before I had things like social media/forums and was the first of my friends so had no comparator.

It wasn't until baby 2 who was a piece of piss that I realised. So probably a good job it happened that way round or I would have never had number 3

I’m definitely not the average experience on here! I had my first DD at 38 (but she was stillborn at full term). I didn’t want to try again- accidentally had DD at 41. She’s seriously disabled (knew there were issues at 20 week scan). Anyway she was born alive and 11 weeks in NICU (mostly unnecessary) she came home and slept like an angel and was happy etc. As soon as Spring came and the light changed in the evening never slept (before that I had to get up every 3 hours to feed her). Now she wakes up at 1am and “parties” til 6am.
She’s non verbal and can’t walk (at 4). So Velcro by default. She’s a smart child though and knows more than you’d think so gets bored sooo easily.
I literally cannot wait for her first school day on Monday.
But I’d literally have ten more children if I could!! I think I e forgotten how to sleep by now.

@danadas when you say hard into adulthood, what do you mean exactly? (Without being too outing). I have a feeling I'm in for the same and would like to prepare myself a bit!