First baby, difficult temperament = no more kids

[JC2021]

Looking into this idea that if you have your first baby and it hits you like a ton of bricks as they don't sleep well, cry often, colic, reflux and in general are difficult (no matter how much you love them!) surely this would put you off having or wanting anymore?!

I've seen mums who clearly have found parenting their first little one an absolute breeze, sleeping through/well, feeding well which is really great but surely they are the ones who have more children?!

No one speaks much about temperament of children..

Our first was that baby. We went on to have 2 more. None of them were good sleepers or easy babies, but after our first they didn't seem that bad.

My first baby was terrible. Reflux, colic, never napped and screamed for eight hours a day. He did sleep through from 3 months old though. He outgrew most of the bad stuff by 12 months though.

We had a two year age gap. Our thinking was that even if second baby was as hellish as the first, we knew it wouldn't be forever. We could do it again. So we did. As it was, second baby was much easier. Probably because we knew what we were doing and anything would have been easier compared to our first.

I will say that I would never have considered another child if my first did not sleep through early on. I was blessed with two babys who slept through from 3 months old. I couldn't cope with a child that still didn't sleep by two!

Mine was bloody hard work for the first 4 years. This was after a difficult pregnancy and traumatic labour to boot! I really felt that I'd drawn the shit end of the patenting stick.

I was so mentally and physically fucked by the whole experience that I couldn't face doing it all again, so I didn't.

He's 6 now. Have had a few wobbles but ultimately the right decision for us. I can't risk repeating the experience. It would break me.

My first baby was quite frankly a nightmare, colic, lactose intolerant, didn't sleep at all, basically cried for a year. I knew that I wanted two children and thought, well it couldn't get much worse so I just got on with it. 22 months age gap and my second baby was an absolute dream.

Both really lovely children now though!

My first was a baptism of fire with reflux, multiple allergies, didn't sleep (still doesn't 4 years later!), eczema, high needs etc. Nearly broke me but my second was much easier despite similar issues. There is just over three years between them.

I’m not sure... my baby is an absolute breeze and it’s putting me off trying again because I feel like I’ve used all my luck up!

My DD1 was a nightmare. She didn't sleep through the night until about 16 months old, I was a woman on the edge.

She had colic, reflux, cried all the time. Refused to take bottles and then weaning was just a mare too.

I decided pretty early on that she would be my only child as I found it so incredibly hard and tiring.

I got sterilised as soon as the GP would refer me at 40!

No regrets here although I would have loved to experience an easy going baby. And I feel sad that dd has no siblings as she would have loved one.

My first certainly did his utmost to put me off! But he won't ever have any cousins and it didn't seem fair to effectively 'blame him' as a baby for being the reason we didn't have more. So we did and fortunately DD is a much easier baby. Although I think it's more to do with the fact we're a bit more chilled and we know a bit more about what's going on.

@JC2021

Looking into this idea that if you have your first baby and it hits you like a ton of bricks as they don't sleep well, cry often, colic, reflux and in general are difficult (no matter how much you love them!) surely this would put you off having or wanting anymore?!

I've seen mums who clearly have found parenting their first little one an absolute breeze, sleeping through/well, feeding well which is really great but surely they are the ones who have more children?!

No one speaks much about temperament of children..

Some babies like that can grow up into easy-going adults. I read somewhere that lots of crying and bad sleep can be a baby experiencing headaches or migraines which at that age isn't related to temperament.

Gosh, why are you even thinking about that at this point? Do you feel pressured to have another one? A lot of women don't even think about having more until their baby is at least 2 or 3 years old!

My brother was that baby and as first born pushed my mom to the absolute limit. Even 34 years later you can tell she is still traumatised by the experience. I was a pure accident, 18months apart. Mom always said she would never have chosen to have another child. As it was, I was a dream baby and child. Totally the opposite of my brother.
I came into my own as a teenager whereas he gave them a super easy ride for that part

Opposite here, dream DD bar for the no sleep or napping until 12 months old so the thought of having a second who would be the opposite was not appealing! We love our only unconditionally, she’s incredible. Even at 6 going on 16!

Having DD, as much as I love her has really had an impact on me. I always wanted two children, close together in age and now, when I think back to the first 2 years of DDs life, it seriously puts me off. I genuinely don't know if I could do it again. It almost killed me and DP first time round! She's nearly 5 now and I'm still undecided!

To give you an idea - I had a horrible birth and long lasting birth injuries BUT this could be solved with an ELC.

What couldn't be solved is if I had another of the same temperament as DD. From birth to 18m ish she slept on a horrendous cycle. 4 hours awake, 2 asleep. 24h a day, 7 days a week. She had a displaced hip, cholic, bronchiolitis when she was 6 weeks old that lead to a hospital stay for a week etc. And she was so so unhappy. As a general rule, if she was awake she was crying. We had maybe 3 hours a day where we actually enjoyed her. I know this sounds awful, but, it really was torture.

Now my logical brain says that there's no guarantee a second child would be the same, but the bit of my brain that can still clearly flash back to those awful times tells me not to be so bloody stupid!

I had "that" child as my first. The one everyone says "if he/she was first I'd never have anymore!"

Yeah that's DS, so he is first and last 🤣

I do however adore and love him unconditionally even if he is 6 going on 16, sarcastic, ADHD fuelled jack in the box and collecting frequent flyer miles to a and e. 🤦🏻‍♀️

earthsight my nightmare baby brother grew up to be a nightmare adult. If I could have got myself adopted at 3 I would have.

Yeah DD1 was that baby. 8 years later and I get sweaty and panicky when I hear newborn cries as it takes me back there.

We conceived DC2 when DD1 was 18 months… up till around 16 months I was saying never again. 18 months was a period of good sleep and contentment from DD1… managed to convince myself this was permanent and that any DC2 was bound to be a good sleeper. Sadly neither was true 😬 DC2 still a hundred times easier though.

Our first DD was extremely challenging. We didn’t know it then, but she would go on to be diagnosed with various SEN and she didn’t sleep through until she was 4 years old. Also had colic, allergies, was a Velcro baby to the absolute extreme. I had a mad idea that giving her a sibling might help her; the first six months she didn’t engage with her new baby sibling at all, but they soon started to entertain each other and are now best friends. Second DC was the easiest baby I’ve ever known and a totally different experience. Both are lovely, kind children now though. Currently pregnant with our third so hoping for another easy one!

We call our second the angel baby as she's always been such a dream, even when she was a tiny dot. My son on the other hand almost sent me deranged through lack of sleep at points. He's also been the twoest two year old imaginable- stubborn, illogical and a total mountain goat! He's gorgeous and funny too, but he's bloody hard work. We've actually only got a short gap so we could through the poor sleep and toddler years in one hit.

DS has been an extremely difficult child (doesn't sleep, reflux, allergies, severe eczema, velcro baby etc) but I can hand on heart say it's been a joy and I'm excited for more!

@Hardbackwriter I also feel that I might be pushing my luck by having another go…

Twin DD1 was a breeze compared to her twin brother. He was a nightmare. We said we would never have anymore after them (would have needed IVF again anyway) but the thought of doing that again made me want to vomit. Fast forward 7 years DD2 arrived naturally I was dreading she would be like her brother but thankfully she was as easy going as her sister. For me my boys are certainly more hard work. He’s still hard work at nearly 8 but the most loving little boy just very sensitive and higher needs emotionally.

It can be more complex than easy/difficult baby. My first was a pretty easy baby after the first 6 weeks. He slept through, happy to be put down awake, would chatter and sing in his cot, ate well, not fussy. But becoming a mother hit me like a ton of bricks. I had an easy birth too.But I had this awful feeling of hearing someone being so complete dependent on me and that I was totally trapped. It felt like a huge mistake(though I loved him more than anything). I couldn't contemplate having another.

Eventually i did nearly 10 years later. Second baby was much more difficult. Would only sleep on my chest, hated cot, hated carseat, hated buggy, fussy eater. But I actually found her easier because I knew what I was doing and I felt ready for her. I thought a lot about having another because I enjoyed it so much. The main reason I didn't was because I was already in my 40s by then.

I can kinda speak to both parts of this!

Parenting DS (our only) was SO difficult for the first six months as he didn't sleep well at all, and I was on a punishing schedule of triple feeding due to low milk supply and an inability to give myself permission to stop breastfeeding. So the first six months were honestly hell. I loved them at the same time but frequently felt like I just couldn't keep going or cope, even with DH doing just as much for him as me. It just felt unmanagable.

Sorted his sleep out at six months and parenting went from being challenging to an absolute breeze. He's 19m now and seriously just so, so easy. I can't believe how laid back, fun and relaxing it is having a toddler. We're all getting plenty of sleep and as a result we're all energetic and happy.

When it was difficult, my DH swore off any more kids cos he said he just couldn't go through that new baby period ever again. Now it's easy, he is still one and done because he doesn't want to go back into it being so rough ever again. We have such a lovely time and lovely family and wouldn't do anything to jeopardise that, including having more kids.

I think if you're having a hard time then it puts you off having more because you're already struggling to cope, if it's going well you think 'better not jinx it, this is great'.

Ultimately I suspect if people want more kids they'll do it, whether their existing child is difficult or easy. I have friends who are finding the whole thing really difficult due to sleep who still want another because 'why not add another to the mix, it can't get any harder'! And friends who have found it a dream and are excited to have another because their experience has been so lovely.

Nope. DD1 was high needs from day 1 (it turned out to be autism).

I had DD2 because I knew it wouldn't be the same again. She was THE most contented baby and toddler.

DS didn't sleep - maybe he would drop off at about 1 or 2 am if he had been rocked. Then up again v early.
He also would cry and scream all evening.
He was tested for everything but was told he would grow out of it (he did when he was about 4 1/2!)
It certainly meant that we were put off having another so there is a 7 1/2 year age gap between him and DD.

DD was a completely textbook baby - fed / pooped on schedule, slept through the night v early on.
However.... as a teenager we are suffering!

My ds was tough work for multiple reasons. I was recovering from a haemorrhage during labor (lost 2.3 ltrs blood) and he had been diagnosed with 2 brain bleeds
So I was already exhaaausted. He wasn't a great sleeper. I thought he was then I found out that no, a baby waking every 2 hours and fussing/ crying for another hour isnt every mums experience. Now at 2 he sleeps better but can still wake regularly and usually wakes crying his head off which I find hard.
He also hated being held in arms, hated being sat on your lap, had to be carried upright, would scream his head off for milk, fought and still fights me on naps Now at 2 he whines and whines constantly He is a late talker so that's probably it but he's always gotten frustrated very easily
He was and is SO strong willed...and soon high energy Even changing his nappy is like a marathon..he also likes reactions so a simple no doesn't work with him. If he senses youre trying to control him he fights back!

I work with children and was shocked when they would go down to naps without a fight, lay calmly for nappies, respond to no...

Hes a lovely sweet boy but he is hard work and im not sure if I would have more children. Not for a long time anyway...