I’ve just done something really nasty haven’t I?

[Latenightfeelings]

My ex and I split a year and a half ago, right before the first lockdown and have stayed in contact ever since. Sometimes it was good contact other times we would argue but we always remained in contact. Neither of us found new relationships but both have seen people on and off.

Anyways, around two months ago ex and I started seeing each other casually, nothing official but spending time together and we slept together a couple of times. One of these times resulted in a pregnancy (I had the implant, which had come out of place) so although we assumed we were protected we were not. I was single at the time and thought ex was as well.

We ultimately decided against keeping the pregnancy and decided to terminate. Ex has been mostly supportive as much as he can, and has stayed around a lot before appts and been here a lot emotionally. And please do not judge, but we have slept together again yesterday. It’s been atrocious, a medical abortion followed by a D and C and lots of intervention surgically and emotions are really high.

Anyways, ex and I have not discussed one bit about getting back together but have been sleeping together etc and are going through this- and this is where I’ve been nasty and really regret what I’ve done.

Early this morning,1am, ex was lying next to me and his phone kept going off all night. It was so irritating and he sleeps through a hurricane. I picked it up and on the screen were messages from a girl, and even though I shouldn’t, I clicked on it and read a little through the thread.

He’s told her he was working away and missed her, couldn’t wait to see her and was sorry he was late because his car had broke, obviously all lies. But for some reason this triggered me, and I don’t know if it’s because we’d just slept together or what but I replied to her telling her the truth :( I’ve desperately tried to delete it but its an iMessage and I can’t get it back.

I know when ex awakens he will be furious. And I don’t know what to do. We are in our 30’s so not bloody teenagers!

Good work OP. Your shitty ex deserves to end up alone and the “girl” is better off knowing the truth about the bloke she’s seeing.

@Hadjab

The key being ‘he knew I thought he was single’.

If you think it’s acceptable to be in an 8 year relationship, break up, sleep with them again without mentioning you’re currently sleeping with someone else - that’s up to you. There’s no point arguing at me about it as we’re not on the same page about life at all. I would never treat anyone like that.

I just wanted to come back (on my lunch break) and clear a few things up. Feeling exhausted after the night we had.

Previously, when we have both been seeing people ''casually'' we have not and would not sleep with each other, as far as I'm aware we aren't interested in having casual relations with different partners, and it was always made clear by my ex as well, but i'm guessing the pregnancy led him back into things and for whatever reason he's been casually doing whatever with both of us for at least a few weeks.

But, I, would not, have slept with him if i'd known about the OW (who I accept isn't really an OW as she hasn't done anything but meet a man she likes). I assumed we were two emotional people in a long term relationship that's lingered on since the break up, sleeping together to almost console our emotions. I knew it isn't a good idea to sleep with your ex, but I didn't know there was another girl involved.

Perhaps my l message to her was out of spite, and I accept that in my OP. It was definitely led from emotional anguish and not from clear thinking- hence my deciding to delete it moments after (which failed).

I have no idea where or what he is doing now as I have radio silence, but either way, I think the trust has gone even as a friendship. If he'd told me the truth we'd never have slept together, we'd have got through this situation and it would've been fine.

This always comes down to those who are fine with cheating, that's their choice etc. But that doesn't mean not being ok with cheating is childish. The cool girl bullshit doesn't make you more adult. You cheat, you will find its not to everyone's taste. As it falls down on the lies side of life no matter how much 'everyone cheats' white washing you slap over it then it's still a bag of lies.

You're not in a 'relationship' with him, so you don't have the right to stop him seeing other people, or start texting them about your fwb scenario. Whether he's lying through his teeth to anyone about what he's doing is none of your business.

But it's a good wake up call - you're clearly not over him so you should cut all ties, and spend some time healing from all that's happened to you recently.

Once he finds out what you've done, it's not as though you'll have a choice about it anyway.

"Alexa: Show me internalised Misogyny"

I can't believe the amount of people blaming the OP.

The dude very clearly has a girlfriend who did not know he was shagging somebody else last night.

The dude has known the OP for 10 years and been in an on/off relationship with her for that time. HE KNOWS damn well that she wouldn't have slept with him had she known he had a girlfriend. Somebody who was either worried about him or suspicous that he was cheating on her.

This guy deserves nothing but contempt and his relationship clearly isn't an open one.

Stop telling women whose boundaries have been breached that they shouldn't feel angry. Anger is the appropriate emotion. Just stop.

You haven't been nasty. Your response was very understandable. And now this other woman knows where she stands too. (Until he gets to work trying to convince her it was a prank, or something else from the cheaters textbook.)

Don't take him back. You have no more ties. It might be an idea to just block him.

I would say you firmly put nails in the coffin of even a mild acquaintanceship.

Hopefully the woman (no she’s not an “OW”) you messaged has her head screwed on and won’t fall for the obvious lies he will tell. Which is that his jealous ex stole / hacked his phone and made up lies.

I’m not going to condemn what you did. But my advice would be not to invite drama into your life. You never know where it will end and it won’t be in your control. For your sake this should hopefully be end of things.

@Iamthewombat the messages were visible on the lock screen. How can she be nosey if it's right there? Or you're not allowed to even glance at the screen as you pick it up now? Should she have covered her eyes and turned it on silent by feel?

[quote WrongWayApricot]@Iamthewombat the messages were visible on the lock screen. How can she be nosey if it's right there? Or you're not allowed to even glance at the screen as you pick it up now? Should she have covered her eyes and turned it on silent by feel?[/quote]
Did you not read the thread. She picked it up, unlocked it, read all the messages then responses to the woman, and then desperately tried to delet it so he didn’t know.

I agree 3scape, and some of the 'not a relationship' comments are fairly sociopathic. Like they couldnt even imagine taking the other woman into account.

Op no she’s not the other woman, and yes the trust has gone, for the reason you snooped on his phone when he was sleeping then tried to end his relationship. You also didn’t have the balls to tell him, you let him find out from her

Clearly from his reaction you both have different perceptions, you assumed he was single because he was occasionally having sex with you, he clearly doesn’t feel he made any such assertion nor does he feel he was being in a relationship with you

The bottom line is it’s now over for good between you both. And I suspect that’s a good thing for both of you.

You have chucked a grenade into this relationship and frankly you have done yourself a favour. You really need to move on from him. He’s not a nice person.

for the reason you snooped on his phone

Yes that is right. The reason the trust is gone is because OP looked at his phone when it bleeped not because he was shagging someone else and lying to both of them 😂

I don't understand the dynamics of these relationships. surely you and another woman,would know what the characteristics are like,of this cheating and lying excuse of a man, who only bases his life around sex.

@BrozTito

I agree 3scape, and some of the 'not a relationship' comments are fairly sociopathic. Like they couldnt even imagine taking the other woman into account.

I hear ya.

It seems to be a combination of a. Sociopathy b. Stupidity or c Belief in the droit de seigneur

In fairness OP you said originally "I was prepared to be one of many he was sleeping with and he knew I thought he was single."

But now say "Previously, when we have both been seeing people ''casually'' we have not and would not sleep with each other, as far as I'm aware we aren't interested in having casual relations with different partners"

So the set up is a bit confusing.

Either way, sounds like it's for the best that you both move on from each other.

@Bluntness100 yes I read it. I just don't agree it's nosey for her to have noticed and then looked further. He let his gfs messages show on his lock screen and kept the phone on ring while he's sleeping with his ex. It's his responsibility to properly protect his and his gfs privacy, not OPs.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

In fairness OP you said originally "I was prepared to be one of many he was sleeping with and he knew I thought he was single."

But now say "Previously, when we have both been seeing people ''casually'' we have not and would not sleep with each other, as far as I'm aware we aren't interested in having casual relations with different partners"

So the set up is a bit confusing.

Either way, sounds like it's for the best that you both move on from each other.

it was actually supposed to say ''I wasn't prepared'' hence the ''he knew I thought he was single'' bit

Ah ok that makes more sense in that case OP.

I don't think it was the right thing to do but I'm sorry you're feeling shit and that you've had a rough time of it. Nothing is entirely black and white after all.

I think it's time to cut contact with this guy as he's not doing you any good x

@1forAll74

I don't understand the dynamics of these relationships. surely you and another woman,would know what the characteristics are like,of this cheating and lying excuse of a man, who only bases his life around sex.

Sure, sure. it's all the OP's fault for not realising he was lying to her.

(by omission, and directly to his gf)

[quote WrongWayApricot]@Bluntness100 yes I read it. I just don't agree it's nosey for her to have noticed and then looked further. He let his gfs messages show on his lock screen and kept the phone on ring while he's sleeping with his ex. It's his responsibility to properly protect his and his gfs privacy, not OPs.[/quote]
Wow ok. So you feel it’s ok to open someone’s phone and read their messages without their permission when not in a relationship with them? You would do that? You think if the person hasn’t adequately protected their phone, in this instance he hadn’t changed his security code, it’s fair game for anyone who has the code to snoop?

🤷🏼‍♀️ I think what you did was fine

Honestly, not enough people get their just desserts. Sad for the other woman (not as in OW but, well, the other woman in his life) but hopefully she won’t fall for his shit and tell him to fuck off too.

@Bluntness100 there is nuance here. I already explained it to you when you were having trouble with 8 + 1.5 = nearly 10. They have a long history, she just aborted their pregnancy and was still sleeping with him. It's not the same as picking up a colleague's/stranger's/friend's/sibling's/whoever else's phone. Context matters. And yes, I do believe it is his responsibility in this case and not OPs to bear. I think OP did well to look after herself by checking those messages and finding out the truth. She protected herself from continuing sleeping with someone that was knowingly crossing her boundaries.