I’ve just done something really nasty haven’t I?

[Latenightfeelings]

My ex and I split a year and a half ago, right before the first lockdown and have stayed in contact ever since. Sometimes it was good contact other times we would argue but we always remained in contact. Neither of us found new relationships but both have seen people on and off.

Anyways, around two months ago ex and I started seeing each other casually, nothing official but spending time together and we slept together a couple of times. One of these times resulted in a pregnancy (I had the implant, which had come out of place) so although we assumed we were protected we were not. I was single at the time and thought ex was as well.


We ultimately decided against keeping the pregnancy and decided to terminate. Ex has been mostly supportive as much as he can, and has stayed around a lot before appts and been here a lot emotionally. And please do not judge, but we have slept together again yesterday. It’s been atrocious, a medical abortion followed by a D and C and lots of intervention surgically and emotions are really high.

Anyways, ex and I have not discussed one bit about getting back together but have been sleeping together etc and are going through this- and this is where I’ve been nasty and really regret what I’ve done.

Early this morning,1am, ex was lying next to me and his phone kept going off all night. It was so irritating and he sleeps through a hurricane. I picked it up and on the screen were messages from a girl, and even though I shouldn’t, I clicked on it and read a little through the thread.

He’s told her he was working away and missed her, couldn’t wait to see her and was sorry he was late because his car had broke, obviously all lies. But for some reason this triggered me, and I don’t know if it’s because we’d just slept together or what but I replied to her telling her the truth :( I’ve desperately tried to delete it but its an iMessage and I can’t get it back.

I know when ex awakens he will be furious. And I don’t know what to do. We are in our 30’s so not bloody teenagers!

[Iamthewombat]

@Peach01

Instead, the OP hands him a battery of ammunition
Or he's given her the ammunition.

Yes, and she could have used it wisely. When she picked up his phone to (presumably) switch it to silent, she might have seen the notifications with a girl’s name and thought, that’s it, he’s over. No need to enter his password and read the thread.

She could have woken him there and then and said, if you’re seeing other women you can leave. Or she could have waited until the next morning when she was more composed.

Either way, she’s in control and she is the dignified one. He’s the idiot with ‘crumbs around his mouth’ (nicked from a PP, I like it!) who is on the defensive and having to explain his behaviour. That’s her ammunition.

Instead, she breaks into his phone and messages this woman. Thus, as @pictish describes upthread, showing him a way of making her look bad, with the way marked in red bunting.

I don’t want to be too hard on the OP. She has had a rough time. However she doesn’t need encouraging to to something like this in the future if she gets involved with another idiot.

[TatianaBis]

@pictish

I know….such sanctimonious and unrealistic posts on this thread. Protecting the OW from STDs…fucking really?? A noble quest to convey the truth? I don’t think so.
This was an act to cause shit and nothing more. He’s not her boyfriend, she had absolutely no business accessing his phone whether she knows the code or not. It was nasty.

I think people respond as per their own personality and values.

If you like to 'cause shit' then you suspect other people of doing the same.

If you can't imagine being concerned for someone else and their health, then you won't imagine anyone else would be either.

If you think outside an official relationship any sex is fair game, and not being someone's bf means you can do what you like; and you really believe that looking at a phone is a worse crime than shagging two people at once without their knowledge - then good luck to you.

The pp who called #sociopath was spot on.

[Iamthewombat]

There she goes again! Anyone who doesn’t agree with Tatiana is a sociopath. And stupid. And devoid of values. And kills donkeys for fun. Probably.

[Peach01]

@Iamthewombat she could have but that wouldn't be indicative of using the information she came across any more wisely.
It's besides the point really if he wants to fuel OP being the bad guy here and shouldn't be a factor in making OP feel she done wrong. Hopefully he wouldn't be so spiteful to stick the knife in further.

She seems to feel bad enough and tried to delete the message. She doesn't need to be repeatedly scolded for not being quite ladylike enough when his actions, the crux of it, evidently had real consequences. He's made his bed so to speak, now he has less options of beds to lie in.

[TatianaBis]

‘Twasnt me who first made the sociopath observation. And I couldn’t give a toot whether you agree with me or not.

[Iamthewombat]

Keep it up, Tatty! Keep the insults coming.

[TatianaBis]

You’re insulted because someone doesn’t need you to agree? Ok.

[Iamthewombat]

No, love. The insults were when you called posters disagreeing with you ‘dim’, ‘stupid’ and ‘sociopaths’.

[Biancadelrioisback]

So everyone in polygamous relationships or just doesn't practice monogamy is a sociopath? Well fuck me.
Since I've now moved into a monogamous relationship, have I cured my sociopath tendencies?

[TatianaBis]

@Iam It’s interesting how sensitive you are to perceived criticism and yet have spent the thread going onandonandon at the OP. 😂

[TatianaBis]

There’s a very big difference between open relationships and cheating: namely everyone is aware and consenting.

[ClaryFairchild]

I honestly don't understand the criticism of the op. Who CARES if she was being a bit spiteful?! If you treat someone badly then you deserve to have some anger and spite directed at you. He was an arse, he KNEW she wouldn't sleep with him if she knew about the other girl, and he did it anyway. He deserves the anger and vitriol thrown in his direction, op does not.

[Onthedunes]

Blured lines.

8 years is an awfully long time, within that time my partner and myself had had 3 house moves, a child and set up our own buisness not to mention the general life entwinement that goes on in a long term relationship. And within that time it was a given we were monogamous as I'm sure it was for op and her partner.

They split 1 and a half years ago, who instigated this? I've seen quite a few couples split at arround the 7 year mark, an almost make or break time before full commitment of mariage and children come along, a growing up and moving to the next stage of life.

Within that 1 and half years you both continued to keep in touch which shows you both having feelings for one another and when sexual relations resumed, I would have imagined you thought the unspoken boundary of monogamy would be expected.

I don't blame you for feeling betrayed, it is a relationship that has never fully ended or had closure. I actually think you have been very truthful in your post stating your lack of expectations.

I personally think you should have expected more and stated more, you are now in a position where you know he has other girlfriends and that must hurt.

Forget about hurting the OW and him, he knows what your boundaries were , that's why he wasn't honest with you.

If I were you I'd look for someone else, there are plenty of men who do want to commit fully without all this angst of never quite knowing if you are together or not.

If a man wants you he will make all the right noises, be there and not have shitty messages popping up on his phone at night.

[JackGrealishIsMyNewManCrush]

@Bridezillamaybe

The thing I hate most on this thread is the posts stating how he's going to now paint her as the crazy ex and saying how she should have walked away with dignity. For years I would have agreed with that. I also didn't call men first, ask them out or reveal much about myself on the first few dates beyond being ambiguously busy if he asked me for a date with only a couple of days notice.

It's called self protection and it's fine.

But you know at some stage it is simply letting men away with crappy behaviour. Why should OP be ok with the fact this man that she knows very well, has spent years with is lying in bed with texting lies to another woman. She doesn't have to rise above it! So what if he's calling her crazy. He deserves the fallout from how he's behaving.

This ^ In spades...


And the bigger the fallout the better.

This man is a prize cunt, and I hope is life is upended. He has horribly disrespected his current girlfriend, and cheated on her, and he deserves all he gets. Anyone defending him and thinks what the OP did is wrong, is naïve at best, and a gullible mug at worst.

He can paint the OP as a bunny boiler telling lies, and obsessing over him. but this isn't the movies, and his girlfriend will very likely not believe him.

[Greenmarmalade]

You didn’t do anything wrong. I would have done the same with no regrets!!

I would have left then and there, though. He’s a waste of time.

[Hanger0n]

Has he made contact yet OP?

[YeokensYegg]

@Iamthewombat

Not sure why you're so invested in this thread. Willing to die on the hill that you're right.

I wonder if irl you tut at women's behaviour a lot or if you're the one who has a lot of tutters on you?

Women used to keep quiet and accept bad behaviour from men because they had to.

We don't have to anymore nor do we have to act in certain ways expected of women.

I get you think her behaviour was wrong but I say so what. Nobody has to live by your standards.

[Newestname001]

@Latenightfeelings

As well as having an STI check, and blocking/deleting this man from your life, I would also quickly change the locks on your home if he has ever, either in the past, or recently, had his own set of keys. 🌹

[dryasaboner]

Give it a rest @Iamthewombat

[tinglymint]

To be fair it sounds (from my own assumption of course) like the woman messaging him was his girlfriend and he's been cheating on her and clearly lying to her without OPs knowledge. And when OP realised she reacted and (tactlessly) let his girlfriend know what the creep has really been up to. I'd be glad to be told had I been in her shoes. I can't imagine he'd ever come clean to her himself.

[Bridezillamaybe]

I've just remembered how a particularly awful relationship I was in years back eventually ended. We were living together, he was controlling and abusive but I couldn't see it. I broke up with him and I moved out. During our relationship my spidey senses would flare up about a woman he worked with, he always told me I was nuts obviously.

We decided not to break up when I moved out but see how things went living apart. Unbeknownst to me he told the now ex-work colleague about the breakup and moving out but they didn't see each other after that.

I was correct that there was a vibe between them and a few months later she texted him on some pretense. He and I had just that day had a brutal row and said it was over. He texted back and forth with her then met her for a drink that evening. She clarified that we were still broken up before she went to meet him.

Was he technically lying? No. We had broken up a few hours before. Of course she assumed we had remained broken up from six months before and it was all over.

He slept with her that night and arranged another date. He messaged me the next day checking I was ok after our bust-up and said he was sorry for losing his temper. I thanked him for messaging and said I accepted his apology but was hurt and needed a couple of days to think. Loads of declarations of love from him. He doesn't want to lose me. We can work it out. Blah blah blah.

A couple of days later I phone him to talk. We both apologise. He comes over. We talk. We listen. We sleep together.

Did I specifically ask if he'd been with anyone else? No. Did he then lie? No. Was it reasonable to assume that he hadn't been given he'd been telling me he didn't wan to break up. Yes I think so.

After (!!!) we slept together he told me there was something I should know. I could not believe my ears. I still remember how my stomach lurched when he said her name. And then he said if I was going to make a big thing about it that he would just continue to see how things went with her, they had a date planned for later that week, why would he cancel it if I was not going to forgive him, better off with one girl than no girl.

I was furious. It was so typical of his controlling ways. He was coming clean but I wasn't allowed to be upset. If I was upset he was going to continue with her. It didn't really matter to him too much if it was me or her.
He actually told me how his best friend had tried to talk him out of the initial date with the other girl and said "listen you want her (me) back, this is only going to complicate things, you will only push things to the point of no return. And you won't be able to progress with NewGirl as you will be bringing all the unresolved crap from this situation" and he'd laughed fondly as if his friend was really sweet and ridiculous.

No way was I keeping things a secret for him so he could see how things went.

I grabbed his phone and went to the bathroom, found her number and messaged her from my phone. I threw his phone out the window so he had to run out to retrieve it and locked him out of the house.

I definitely did not rise above things there with dignity but I have never regretted it. He was treating us both like commodities that could be traded in or exchanged. She phoned me the next day, I gave her the full story. She told me she had been crazy about him and how he had always alluded to problems with our relationship and when she heard we broke up and I moved out she expected him to contact her. She had no idea we stayed together or were even in touch.

Neither of us wanted anything to do with him after that and although it's true he didn't officially cheat on either of us we both deserved way way better than him.

[Iamthewombat]

[quote YeokensYegg]@Iamthewombat

Not sure why you're so invested in this thread. Willing to die on the hill that you're right.

I wonder if irl you tut at women's behaviour a lot or if you're the one who has a lot of tutters on you?

Women used to keep quiet and accept bad behaviour from men because they had to.

We don't have to anymore nor do we have to act in certain ways expected of women.

I get you think her behaviour was wrong but I say so what. Nobody has to live by your standards.[/quote]
HOUSE!

(Me, filling my bingo card, on reading “why are you so invested?”)

I’m not quite getting the tutting references, but if it helps, the OP asked a question, she got answers and it sparked a debate. That’s how threads work. I wonder whether this unpleasant post from you has anything to do with my having rubbished one of your arguments upthread?

[WrongWayApricot]

Oh give over wombat. You didn't rubbish any arguments. Just because people stopped replying to your ranting doesn't mean you won the 'debate'. You've strawmanned all over the thread anyway. Of course people wonder what horse you have in the race, that's basic for any understanding of differing view points. You win a debate by convincing people, not shouting at them til they get bored. Nobody that originally disagreed with you has changed their mind. Nobody has found that their point of view is incompatible with the reality of the situation. It's okay to feel differently about something. You wouldn't look at the messages from another woman at 1am, after you'd just slept with the receiver (who you've known intimately for 9.5 years) and recently aborted the pregnancy he created. Others on this thread don't feel it's a huge privacy violation and would do differently, that's fine.

[Iamthewombat]

I rubbished some of yours as well. Don’t be a bad loser.

[MondieBee]

@PrincessNymeria

When you tell lies, you risk the consequences of getting caught. He got caught, and made three people (himself included), unhappy, because of his behaviour.

Op wasn't originally intending to snoop, she just happened to catch him out lying, because he forgot to put his phone on silent.

I don't think op was wrong at all, to tell this other woman that he's seeing, the truth. It should have been him doing that in the first place, in general. Instead of stringing two different women along, with his lies.

This!