I’ve just done something really nasty haven’t I?

[Latenightfeelings]

My ex and I split a year and a half ago, right before the first lockdown and have stayed in contact ever since. Sometimes it was good contact other times we would argue but we always remained in contact. Neither of us found new relationships but both have seen people on and off.

Anyways, around two months ago ex and I started seeing each other casually, nothing official but spending time together and we slept together a couple of times. One of these times resulted in a pregnancy (I had the implant, which had come out of place) so although we assumed we were protected we were not. I was single at the time and thought ex was as well.

We ultimately decided against keeping the pregnancy and decided to terminate. Ex has been mostly supportive as much as he can, and has stayed around a lot before appts and been here a lot emotionally. And please do not judge, but we have slept together again yesterday. It’s been atrocious, a medical abortion followed by a D and C and lots of intervention surgically and emotions are really high.

Anyways, ex and I have not discussed one bit about getting back together but have been sleeping together etc and are going through this- and this is where I’ve been nasty and really regret what I’ve done.

Early this morning,1am, ex was lying next to me and his phone kept going off all night. It was so irritating and he sleeps through a hurricane. I picked it up and on the screen were messages from a girl, and even though I shouldn’t, I clicked on it and read a little through the thread.

He’s told her he was working away and missed her, couldn’t wait to see her and was sorry he was late because his car had broke, obviously all lies. But for some reason this triggered me, and I don’t know if it’s because we’d just slept together or what but I replied to her telling her the truth :( I’ve desperately tried to delete it but its an iMessage and I can’t get it back.

I know when ex awakens he will be furious. And I don’t know what to do. We are in our 30’s so not bloody teenagers!

“It's his responsibility to properly protect his and his gfs privacy, not OPs.”

Get out of here with that. It’s OP’s responsibility not to pick up, access and use someone’s phone without permission. You know this.

Stop telling women whose boundaries have been breached that they shouldn't feel angry. Anger is the appropriate emotion. Just stop.

The OP can feel as angry as she wants, as is her right. That’s not the point. We know that her ex behaved badly. The question was, did she behave reasonably? Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Honestly, not enough people get their just desserts.

That may be your view but it doesn’t mean that we all get to deliver vengeance as and when we choose when somebody upsets us. There’s a reason why victims of crime don’t get to decide the punishment for the perpetrators: the punishments are unlikely to be proportionate or sensible.

My neighbour would have ‘local youths’ boiled in oil for stepping on his marigolds. Similarly, the OP is, by her own omission, emotionally involved with this man and had gone through an abortion, so was unlikely to make reasonable decisions in the situation she describes.

I already explained it to you when you were having trouble with 8 + 1.5 = nearly 10.

Here’s a tip. Similar to other posters on this thread, you stand a much better chance of being taken seriously if you avoid resorting to insults when somebody disagrees with you. It undermines your credibility and makes you look silly.

@Iamthewombat

Stop telling women whose boundaries have been breached that they shouldn't feel angry. Anger is the appropriate emotion. Just stop.

The OP can feel as angry as she wants, as is her right. That’s not the point. We know that her ex behaved badly. The question was, did she behave reasonably? Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Honestly, not enough people get their just desserts.

That may be your view but it doesn’t mean that we all get to deliver vengeance as and when we choose when somebody upsets us. There’s a reason why victims of crime don’t get to decide the punishment for the perpetrators: the punishments are unlikely to be proportionate or sensible.

My neighbour would have ‘local youths’ boiled in oil for stepping on his marigolds. Similarly, the OP is, by her own omission, emotionally involved with this man and had gone through an abortion, so was unlikely to make reasonable decisions in the situation she describes.

She sent a text. It’s not that serious.

Ugh, I really hope you stop wasting head space on him now and move on with your life. There is no friendship here at all, if you still keep ending up in bed together, and it is time to accept that. You were both seeing each other out of loneliness/pandemic but that is lifting now, he is trying to move on (albeit terribly, with all the lies to new girl), but are you?? Going through a traumatic termination etc with someone who isn't even your partner, and never will be - that should have been the straw that broken the camels back tbh. And when you should have decided this was too much aggro/stress/trauma for ocassional companionship and sex.

What you did was spiteful, but you know and accept that. And maybe it is good for her that she knows he's been lying, I'd certainly want to know. So leave them both to it, cut him out of your life completely (like he's willing to do now if she takes him back), and move on. You are strong enough to do that, because if you don't, it's your life your messing up - because it seems like he has managed to emotionally detach from you already.

When you tell lies, you risk the consequences of getting caught. He got caught, and made three people (himself included), unhappy, because of his behaviour.

Op wasn't originally intending to snoop, she just happened to catch him out lying, because he forgot to put his phone on silent.

I don't think op was wrong at all, to tell this other woman that he's seeing, the truth. It should have been him doing that in the first place, in general. Instead of stringing two different women along, with his lies.

The world of MNs gets weirder and weird I swear.

Op has already accepted it wasn't the right thing and fuelled by emotion. I would be emotional I. Her shoes too.

It's absolutely fine to have causal sex but both parties have to be explicit in this knowledge, it's not something that's conveniently forgotten to be mentioned because if you know your sleeping with a guy and he's sleeping with others, you have a right to make a informed choice re contraception, pregnancy and STIs. This guy knew this too but took away that choice for both women🥴 relying on mutual trust that the other had with this 🐀 because he didn't want to do something that would inconvenience him aka condom

Op may not have told this girl from the right place, but now she can make a informed choice on her reproductive health. A choice isn't really a choice if your blindfolded from the start.

Ops sounds like you knows a 🐀bag.
If my DH was doing this I would thank OP for at least giving me heads up that I needed a STI check instead of potentially living and not knowing I had caught a sti
And potentially it damaging my future fertility (that may or may not come into play with the man child)

She sent a text. It’s not that serious.

In your view. I wonder what you would say if somebody broke into your phone without permission and contacted one of your acquaintances to tell tales on you?

And you are the one advocating for ‘just deserts’, right? If the OP’s actions were not, in your view, ‘serious’, what do you think his just deserts should have been? Tarring and feathering?

Personally I think he got everything he deserved - I wouldn’t feel bad about it although I feel a bit sorry for the other woman who probably had zero idea he had any involvement with you

I wonder what stories he's spinning to smooth it over with the other woman

I wonder what you would say if somebody broke into your phone without permission and contacted one of your acquaintances to tell tales on you?

Only the OP didn't 'break into' his phone because at some point he'd given her his password and then never changed it after they broke up. And the OP didn't 'tell tales' on him. He was in the OP's bed after having sex and a very recent abortion from another occasion of sex.

I can't imagine a woman dating a man and he's telling her 'sorry I can't make tonight my car broke down' and the woman fuming at a text coming through saying 'his car didn't break down he's in bed with me' when the reality was he was in bed with the OP.

I wonder where he told this OW he was when the OP was having the abortion and he was giving OP emotional support? Probably more lies and I can't believe another woman wouldn't want to know she's being lied to and her 'partner' has recently got his ex pregnant.

Only the OP didn't 'break into' his phone because at some point he'd given her his password and then never changed it after they broke up. And the OP didn't 'tell tales' on him.

Is this a joke? Are you seriously suggesting that, having once discovered his password during their previous 8 year relationship, the OP’s ex considered that the OP had carte blanche to look at his messages and other personal information at any time in the future?

Of course not! If she knew his PIN, would she have been OK to draw cash out or look at his bank balance? If she knew his alarm code, or had retained a key to his house, would she have been justified in dropping in whenever she chose? Of course not.

And she told tales all right, however you want to excuse it. That he behaved badly is no excuse for what she did. She knows it, too.

Only the OP didn't 'break into' his phone because at some point he'd given her his password and then never changed it after they broke up.

That is an impressive reach!

"I wonder what you would say if somebody broke into your phone without permission and contacted one of your acquaintances to tell tales on you?"

^Sex changes things. Once you start putting your dick in someone, they're not just an acquaintance anymore, they're someone you're sleeping with. Putting the emotional implications to one side, it doesn't sound like op and her ex were using condoms, and her ex was potentially not using them with the other woman. Op had reason to think she could trust this man, after sleeping with him for a long time, etc. If he got her pregnant, he could also have given op any number of sti's. I think that's a serious enough reason to "tell tales".

Off topic, but I've also heard of people ratting out thieves, cowboy drug dealers etc in this sort of way, or trying to get the truth in a dodgy situation. Op could have taken the number, and messaged from a burner phone, but she probably didn't give a shit at that point.

Op I'm sorry he did this

I agree you'd probably be happier trying to move on, hard as it is. You won't be able to trust him any more.

I don't think the OPs motivation really matters. Why are women who are lied to, expected to rise above and behave impeccably?
Okay, she looked at his phone and sent the other woman a message but she was truthful with the other woman, when the man wouldn't have been. Whatever this other woman decides to do now, at least it will be an informed decision. That's a good thing irrespective of why the OP did it.
The man OTOH, has lied to two women and cheated on at least one of them. He's put them at risk of STD. That's more serious than looking at someone's phone. His privacy really isnt the key thing here.

Once you start putting your dick in someone, they're not just an acquaintance anymore

The acquaintance is the woman who was messaging him, that is why I said “contacted one of your acquaintances to tell tales”, and the OP has no idea whether this woman is in a physical relationship with her ex. It is irrelevant anyway. Revealing unpleasant stories about somebody you know to a stranger, hoping to stir up some trouble, is the very epitome of telling tales!

Op had reason to think she could trust this man, after sleeping with him for a long time, etc

Oh yes? So they split up, he makes it clear to her that he considers himself single (that’s in relation to the OP of course), they continue to sleep together casually for 18 months with no commitment from him, resulting in her becoming pregnant, and she should think that that is evidence that she can trust him?

I don't think the OPs motivation really matters. Why are women who are lied to, expected to rise above and behave impeccably?

Nobody ever really does a good thing with spiteful motivations.

What’s with all the references to protecting the other woman/women from STDs by the way? The past couple of pages are full of them. It sounds rather sanctimonious. We all know why the OP did what she did, and protecting other women, and herself, from STDs wasn’t one of her motivations.

Would you go to pubs and nightclubs handing out flyers with his face on, to protect other women from potential STDs? Full page ad in the Times? 15 second TV slot in the middle of Love Island? After all, that would be the responsible thing if the OP were truly concerned about protecting present or future consorts of her ex from STDs.

"the OP has no idea whether this woman is in a physical relationship with her ex."

And now he's been caught telling lies, she'll find it harder to believe anything he tells her.

"and she should think that that is evidence that she can trust him?"

He was seemingly upfront, and truthful. Op made informed decisions, based on the facts. I can see how she'd think she could trust her ex, even if they decided they were better being friends with benefits. She believed him.

She didn't know he was seeing somebody else, because he lied, or she would have told him no thank you. The woman he was seeing, wasn't being told he had literally just had sex, with his ex. He's told lies to get what he wants, and therefore isn't trustworthy anymore.

Oh my god the replies!

Op is a person with normal emotions, not a saint. So what if she looked in his phone after she realised he was stringing two of them along? They share a lot of history, had gone through a trauma and he is treating her like someone he met off a hook-up site.

Yes her actions may have been driven by spite but in this case that is completely understandable AND (even though it wasn't her true motivation) she simultaneously did this other woman a favour. Whatever their 'arrangement' she does not need to be told lies that he misses her and has car trouble when in fact he's lying in bed with another woman.

I've had two relationships where it has transpired that in the early /pre-exclusivity days there was another woman and both times I ended the relationship because even though he hadn't cheated I still felt betrayed and made a fool of.

I say well done OP and sorry about the unplanned pregnancy. I hope you feel better soon and can look to the future without this loser.

He was seemingly upfront, and truthful.

!!!! He didn’t want to get back with her, and told her that he considered himself single. That’s no evidence of commitment. Why would she expect him to tell her everything about his alternative romantic adventures?

Op made informed decisions, based on the facts

No, the OP made decisions. That’s the most we can say. The facts were, he didn’t want to resume their 8 year relationship but liked having sex with her, and told her explicitly that he considered himself single.

He’s clearly not a nice man but the bile and ‘he deserves everything he gets!’ statements on this thread are quite startling. If the OP had been his wife, I could understand it, although I’d have expected her to confront him first.

It's not up to op to protect anybody, but herself, and one way to do that, is to not sleep with a guy, without using a condom, that's sleeping with other people. I don't see why it would be sanctimonious either, to point that out?

Say I'm in work, and I have to lend a colleague my phone, to make an urgent business call. While they're ending the call, a message flashes up, bitching about them in a racist way. Would you fault them for thinking wtf?, and clicking on it?

Snooping is bad (and shows the trust is already gone, and sex is a bad idea), stumbling accross damning information, and reacting to it, is different.

"That’s no evidence of commitment."

What's commitment got to do with it? Op was pissed at him because he lied about seeing other people, and about seeing her, to other people. Not because he didn't want to be serious with her.

I know….such sanctimonious and unrealistic posts on this thread. Protecting the OW from STDs…fucking really?? A noble quest to convey the truth? I don’t think so.
This was an act to cause shit and nothing more. He’s not her boyfriend, she had absolutely no business accessing his phone whether she knows the code or not. It was nasty.

It's not up to op to protect anybody, but herself

Jolly good, now perhaps we can stop with the “you did the right thing OP, you protected his new lady friend from STDs!” replies. Which are sanctimonious.

What's commitment got to do with it?

As you yourself speculated, the OP trusted her ex because she thought or assumed that he wasn’t seeing other women. What’s another way of describing ‘not seeing other women’? Oh yes, commitment.

Tbf even if it was just done out if spite, I still think he brought it on himself, and don't blame op for having an emotional reaction. I also think she'd be better moving on from this guy.