I’ve just done something really nasty haven’t I?

[Latenightfeelings]

My ex and I split a year and a half ago, right before the first lockdown and have stayed in contact ever since. Sometimes it was good contact other times we would argue but we always remained in contact. Neither of us found new relationships but both have seen people on and off.

Anyways, around two months ago ex and I started seeing each other casually, nothing official but spending time together and we slept together a couple of times. One of these times resulted in a pregnancy (I had the implant, which had come out of place) so although we assumed we were protected we were not. I was single at the time and thought ex was as well.

We ultimately decided against keeping the pregnancy and decided to terminate. Ex has been mostly supportive as much as he can, and has stayed around a lot before appts and been here a lot emotionally. And please do not judge, but we have slept together again yesterday. It’s been atrocious, a medical abortion followed by a D and C and lots of intervention surgically and emotions are really high.

Anyways, ex and I have not discussed one bit about getting back together but have been sleeping together etc and are going through this- and this is where I’ve been nasty and really regret what I’ve done.

Early this morning,1am, ex was lying next to me and his phone kept going off all night. It was so irritating and he sleeps through a hurricane. I picked it up and on the screen were messages from a girl, and even though I shouldn’t, I clicked on it and read a little through the thread.

He’s told her he was working away and missed her, couldn’t wait to see her and was sorry he was late because his car had broke, obviously all lies. But for some reason this triggered me, and I don’t know if it’s because we’d just slept together or what but I replied to her telling her the truth :( I’ve desperately tried to delete it but its an iMessage and I can’t get it back.

I know when ex awakens he will be furious. And I don’t know what to do. We are in our 30’s so not bloody teenagers!

@Iamthewombat

He'll no doubt attempt to take the moral high ground for that fact you read through his messages and told her the truth

No, he will tell the other woman that the OP is a bunny boiler and fantasist. Of course that is what will do, and the OP facilitated it!

Are you agreeing or disagreeing that he'll try to take the moral high ground over it? If he paints OP negatively to deflect blame from himself then that isn't her fault. Shows you the measure of him. She's not facilitated it, he's created it. If he hadn't lied to both women and faced the consequences then there would be no issue.

The act of reading his phone is the smallest of what's wrong in this scenario. Certainly not the aspect that should be jumped all over.

I’d protect myself by not shagging the using, lying wanker ever again.

It wouldn’t occur to me to use his phone to access his text messages so I could inform this woman whom I know nothing about, that he’s in bed with me.

I guess I’m just not that noble.

@pictish

I know….such sanctimonious and unrealistic posts on this thread. Protecting the OW from STDs…fucking really?? A noble quest to convey the truth? I don’t think so. This was an act to cause shit and nothing more. He’s not her boyfriend, she had absolutely no business accessing his phone whether she knows the code or not. It was nasty.

Agree, we’ve even got someone trying to say it’s not nosey to use a a code and access someone’s phone to read their private messages as they sleep . That it’s his fault for not changing his pass code, the op is blameless.

If you want to be the only person a man is sleeping with then you ask him before you drop your knickers, you do not have casual sex, with no discussion on a relationship and simply assume.

The op didn’t do what she did out of nobility. Even she’s not pretending that. She did it becayse she was hurt, and behaved spitefully, then tried to delete it becayse she knew she’d be caught.

Are you agreeing or disagreeing that he'll try to take the moral high ground over it?

I’m saying that he probably won’t even consider the moral high ground and will instead paint the OP as unstable.

If he paints OP negatively to deflect blame from himself then that isn't her fault. Shows you the measure of him.

His actions might not be her fault but she’ll get the consequences. People love to gossip. Who wants to be the subject of it?

She's not facilitated it, he's created it

Oh, she has. Had she left well alone and binned him off graciously, she’d have come out of it looking reasonable and justified.

If he hadn't lied to both women and faced the consequences then there would be no issue.

Correct, but the subject of the thread is the OP’s behaviour, not his. Because that is the question she asked. It’s arguable whether he was, in fact, lying to the OP. If he considered himself single, and told her so, he doesn’t have to tell her everything. He probably knew that the OP cherished hopes of.a reconciliation though, so he is at the very least a cynical user.

The act of reading his phone is the smallest of what's wrong in this scenario. Certainly not the aspect that should be jumped all over.

As above, the OP asked for opinions on her conduct, not his. We don’t need to debate whether he is an arse. He demonstrably is.

I wouldn't say not sleeping with other people, is commitment? I haven't been committed for a long time, but exclusivity is a basic requirement for me.

You want to meet up once in a while, have great sex, a cuddle, some pillow talk, and chat some online through the week, but not discuss each other with family and friends beyond maybe "I'm dating someone, but I don't want to talk about it". I'm down for that. Tell me you just want to be friends, from now on, if you want to want to start sleeping with someone else, or tell me if you've slept with someone else, since the last time you slept with me, so I can decide how I feel about it, and if I'd rather be just friends from now on.

I wouldn't say "exclusive" means committed?

Personally don't see the issue with sleeping with two people at the same time is an issue we know he had no commitments to the OP, and admittedly we don't know if he does to the other woman but It could just be another FWB who he thinks it's not exactly ideal to say yeah I'm just fucking another woman how about I see you tomorrow?

We can't know of course, but its telling how people seem to assume he's cheating on a GF.

I wouldn't say "exclusive" means committed?

Well, whatever your preferred definition of either word, your argument is that the OP trusted him and believed that he wasn’t seeing other women, and thus he lied to her and deserved all he got.

The counter-argument is that she had no evidence to support such a view. Quite the opposite.

He will absolutely paint the OP as the crazy ex who can’t let go…and given what she did, taking his phone and using his code to make contact with her ‘rival’, she has illuminated his way with red bunting.

It’s fucking embarrassing actually.

@Iamthewombat I can’t bring myself to be as bothered about this situation as you seem to be. I said what I said, I don’t think it was that bad and the use of the phrase ‘just deserts’ was fairly flippant in the context I used it in. You seem v dramatic.

Serves him right!

I’m saying that he probably won’t even consider the moral high ground and will instead paint the OP as unstable.
I'm sure he will. I'm sure he'll condemn her for everything he can to save face.

Oh, she has. Had she left well alone and binned him off graciously, she’d have come out of it looking reasonable and justified
Graciously? Under these circumstances. She's to be blamed for not acting gracious enough? This wasn't just a fwb or a casual fling. This was an 8 year relationship that wasn't over when it was over.

Correct, but the subject of the thread is the OP’s behaviour, not his. Because that is the question she asked. It’s arguable whether he was, in fact, lying to the OP. If he considered himself single, and told her so, he doesn’t have to tell her everything. He probably knew that the OP cherished hopes of.a reconciliation though, so he is at the very least a cynical user.
Her behaviour is directly correlated to his. I suppose that would come down to what you consider lying. Omitting that there's another woman in his life, who he's created a false story about about his whereabouts in order to be with OP (without OPS knowlege) I would consider that lying.

As above, the OP asked for opinions on her conduct, not his. We don’t need to debate whether he is an arse. He demonstrably is.
Surely you can't think that his deceitful actions and what OP had just gone through with him had no bearing on her reaction? Is all relative to the context.

[quote OliverBabish]@Iamthewombat I can’t bring myself to be as bothered about this situation as you seem to be. I said what I said, I don’t think it was that bad and the use of the phrase ‘just deserts’ was fairly flippant in the context I used it in. You seem v dramatic.[/quote]
Ooh, my bingo card is filling up a treat!

Here’s how it goes on polarising threads:

• weak argument from poster A

• destroyed by good counter argument by poster B

• poster A then takes it personally and burns with the desire for vengeance on poster B.

• poster A either (1) becomes insulting and calls poster B stupid (e.g. are you too dim to see that? Do you have comprehension problems?) or (2) asks why poster B cares so much about the topic and attempts to present poster B as mentally unstable.

Glad to see that this thread has not deviated from the Mumsnet playbook!

Surely you can't think that his deceitful actions and what OP had just gone through with him had no bearing on her reaction? Is all relative to the context.

There’s no question that his twattish behaviour provoked the OP. It doesn’t mean that she had to do what she did. And if she had graciously got rid of her ex, rather than sending messages to women he is texting, it would have been entirely to her own benefit, not anybody else’s. She wouldn’t be dealing with a furious ex, the loss of a friendship (even if it wasn’t a very good romantic relationship) and feelings of guilt and remorse, for one. Plus she would have been in control of events.

I think YANBU to have done that and actually applaud you for saving another woman the time by telling her the truth about the cheating douche she's dating. And sorry (not sorry), you don't tell someone you "just like" that you miss them and lie about where you are and what you're doing, sounds like this was his gf.

And oh my the responses I've read here totally remind me why I previously deleted MN. She's the bad guy for ousting a cheating man? Come on y'all....

No, the OP is not the bad guy but she didn’t behave well. Not one person has defended her ex. Not one.

For all you know you are now the ow. You don’t know anything about their relationship or what he’s told her. You both need std tests.

I think a lot of people would love to be able to do what you did.

I’m sorry you are going through a shitty time.

I guess my point is, you can find some intimacy, comfort, sexual satisfaction and maybe a confidence or ego boost, with someone, while still having certain boundaries in place, while you're currently being hot and heavy.

"Ex has been mostly supportive as much as he can, and has stayed around a lot before appts and been here a lot emotionally."

It sounds like being more emotionally involved, and having him around more, has changed things, and re-kindled more feelings for your ex?

"Neither of us found new relationships but both have seen people on and off"

Op, do you think things didn't work out with other people, because you were hopeful there could be something between you again? Keeping in contact with him, even after you'd argued more than once, etc? It sounds like he's hurt your feelings, don't give him the chance to do it again

Plus you went through the termination together, it was his baby too, which would have bonded you in a way, understanding each others feelings, and being able to confide in each other.

There’s no question that his twattish behaviour provoked the OP. It doesn’t mean that she had to do what she did. And if she had graciously got rid of her ex, rather than sending messages to women he is texting, it would have been entirely to her own benefit, not anybody else’s. She wouldn’t be dealing with a furious ex, the loss of a friendship (even if it wasn’t a very good romantic relationship) and feelings of guilt and remorse, for one. Plus she would have been in control of events.
I do gree with that, but she did say it was an emotional response at what must've been a difficult time. His behaviour has lead to the shit storm and I don't think the focus should be taken away from that. The means of how OP found out isn't what's wrong with it all, I don't think she should be walking over the coals for it. I would be furious if my ex thought it was okay to stay over at a sensitive time after sleeping together and message the woman he's seeing (who I knew nothing about), lie to her about where he is and what he's doing.
The woman he's seeing must've been seething, believing he's working away and missing her. He's in his ex's bed. He didn't handle it all very well.

You let him sleep till morning OP ?

The thing I hate most on this thread is the posts stating how he's going to now paint her as the crazy ex and saying how she should have walked away with dignity. For years I would have agreed with that. I also didn't call men first, ask them out or reveal much about myself on the first few dates beyond being ambiguously busy if he asked me for a date with only a couple of days notice.

It's called self protection and it's fine.

But you know at some stage it is simply letting men away with crappy behaviour. Why should OP be ok with the fact this man that she knows very well, has spent years with is lying in bed with texting lies to another woman. She doesn't have to rise above it! So what if he's calling her crazy. He deserves the fallout from how he's behaving.

She doesn’t have to be OK with it. She could have told him to get lost the next morning. He would most likely have been ashamed, although it’s clear that he doesn’t respect the OP enough to want a relationship with her.

Instead, the OP hands him a battery of ammunition. How is that a better outcome for her?

@Bridezillamaybe

The thing I hate most on this thread is the posts stating how he's going to now paint her as the crazy ex and saying how she should have walked away with dignity. For years I would have agreed with that. I also didn't call men first, ask them out or reveal much about myself on the first few dates beyond being ambiguously busy if he asked me for a date with only a couple of days notice.

It's called self protection and it's fine.

But you know at some stage it is simply letting men away with crappy behaviour. Why should OP be ok with the fact this man that she knows very well, has spent years with is lying in bed with texting lies to another woman. She doesn't have to rise above it! So what if he's calling her crazy. He deserves the fallout from how he's behaving.

All well and good assuming he alone suffers the fallout. But that is not always the case.

Too often the whole thing escalates. The new girlfriend might, having been fed a load of bull, retaliate against the OP. The boyfriend could retaliate. Family friends could retaliate. The bottom line is that just like the OP, people who are angry and hurt lash out without thought or consequence. And, not always at the person who deserves it.

The best thing that could happen is that the OP never hears another word from either of them.

Walking away is not about letting the cheater off the hook. It’s about not bringing any more shit into your life than you need.

Instead, the OP hands him a battery of ammunition
Or he's given her the ammunition.