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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’ve just done something really nasty haven’t I?

312 replies

Latenightfeelings · 20/07/2021 03:32

My ex and I split a year and a half ago, right before the first lockdown and have stayed in contact ever since. Sometimes it was good contact other times we would argue but we always remained in contact. Neither of us found new relationships but both have seen people on and off.

Anyways, around two months ago ex and I started seeing each other casually, nothing official but spending time together and we slept together a couple of times. One of these times resulted in a pregnancy (I had the implant, which had come out of place) so although we assumed we were protected we were not. I was single at the time and thought ex was as well.

We ultimately decided against keeping the pregnancy and decided to terminate. Ex has been mostly supportive as much as he can, and has stayed around a lot before appts and been here a lot emotionally. And please do not judge, but we have slept together again yesterday. It’s been atrocious, a medical abortion followed by a D and C and lots of intervention surgically and emotions are really high.

Anyways, ex and I have not discussed one bit about getting back together but have been sleeping together etc and are going through this- and this is where I’ve been nasty and really regret what I’ve done.

Early this morning,1am, ex was lying next to me and his phone kept going off all night. It was so irritating and he sleeps through a hurricane. I picked it up and on the screen were messages from a girl, and even though I shouldn’t, I clicked on it and read a little through the thread.

He’s told her he was working away and missed her, couldn’t wait to see her and was sorry he was late because his car had broke, obviously all lies. But for some reason this triggered me, and I don’t know if it’s because we’d just slept together or what but I replied to her telling her the truth :( I’ve desperately tried to delete it but its an iMessage and I can’t get it back.

I know when ex awakens he will be furious. And I don’t know what to do. We are in our 30’s so not bloody teenagers!

OP posts:

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 20/07/2021 11:54

Well, he'll struggle to lie his way out of it, given you messaged from his phone so he'll probably go with the old 'she meant nothing to me' pile of shit and hope she's daft enough to fall for it.

Poor woman.

DameFanny · 20/07/2021 11:56

To all the posters wanting to believe the other person was a no commitment fuck buddy happy to be one of many - why then did his phone go wild with pings after the OP set her straight? Why was the pos ex angry if a happy go lucky fuck buddy (that he'd been exchanging 'miss you's with) was told she wasn't the only one?

Iamthewombat · 20/07/2021 12:01

Well surely the point is that we don’t know whether the other woman was a f buddy. The OP doesn’t know anything about her and thus should stay out of this woman’s life.

I haven’t seen anyone arguing that the other woman must be a casual shag, although one poster suggested that if he was in that sort of arrangement with the OP he should have that type of relationship with all other women and hence the OP was justified in signalling her own presence in his life.

Maggiesfarm · 20/07/2021 12:01

You are well out of it, LateNight.

Time to move on.

WrongWayApricot · 20/07/2021 12:06

I don't really care what someone's motivations were to let me know I was being cheated on, I'd be too happy I'm not wasting my time with yet another lying scumbag. If I was in a casual relationship and didn't care the man was lying to me (I can't imagine why he'd have to lie about where he was if it was an NSA relationship) I still wouldn't care that someone told me. Because I'd already accepted that, it wouldn't hurt me.

The only person that loses in this situation is the liar/cheat, my conscience is fine with that. I'm amazed at how many people think his privacy being protected is the big issue here and wouldn't let the partner know the were being lied to. If he wants to protect his privacy he should update the pin on his phone and put it on do not disturb while he's asleep imo.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 20/07/2021 12:10

I haven’t seen anyone arguing that the other woman must be a casual shag

There's no way to know. People do have these sorts of arrangements. But equally she could think it's a relationship and be being cheated on.
As a pp said, all the pinging messages might suggest that.

Biancadelrioisback · 20/07/2021 12:10

@DameFanny

Well he outright lied to her and we don't know what OP said in her message so there could be several reasons why his phone went wild. I still think he's a shit but we dont know the facts

Iamthewombat · 20/07/2021 12:16

I'm amazed at how many people think his privacy being protected is the big issue here

No. The issue is whether the OP’s disappointment justifies any act of retribution. As a PP (@AlternativePerspective I think) noted, if he was just an ex with whom the OP was casually involved and there was no suggestion of him seeing other women, would it have been ok for the OP to break into his phone and read his messages just in case? Of course not.

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2021 12:21

I think thr key thing op is why you did what you did. You were clearly very hurt he is with someone else. You didn’t snoop on his phone and tell her then desperately try to take it back becayse you felt she should know. You did it becayse you were angry and lashing out and wanted the relationship to end.

Even your later posts you’re hoping she won’t take him back then he will come back to you

The key take away here is how you can move on from him. It’s only causing you pain and you’re not going to be in a relationship with him again,💐

Ijsbear · 20/07/2021 12:33

It was a small act of fury and spite because he's clearly a shit and you just found out that moment, not long after having had sex when people tend to be more vulnerable.

No you didn't cover yourself in glory, but he covered himself in a pile of shit.

Just go on, he's not worthwhile and all this will fade into the past.

The really important thing is that this other woman will now have more information about what sort of person she's seeing, which means she's not being deceived and she'll be able to get herself tested, if she wants to.

ObviousNameChage · 20/07/2021 12:35

The thing is , in a fuck buddy situation there's no need to lie about working away and cars breaking down. Busy,not in the mood,not today, I have plans etc. Is all acceptable. Been there done that.

I've also told a girlfriend or two once I became aware of their existence. Of course I was angry, I never would've slept with them if I knew they were in a relationship.

WrongWayApricot · 20/07/2021 12:35

if he was just an ex with whom the OP was casually involved and there was no suggestion of him seeing other women, would it have been ok for the OP to break into his phone and read his messages just in case? Of course not.

She didn't break into his phone because she wanted retribution or because she thought there was another woman though. She opened it because it was very noisy at night, she's been with him nearly 10 years, I doubt this is the first time she looked at his phone before waking him. She sent the message as retribution. Her morally questionable act was made with the knowledge of his lies. So this argument of is it okay to break into his phone just in case has nothing to do with anything that happened here.

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2021 12:40

She opened it because it was very noisy at night, she's been with him nearly 10 years

What are you on about? They had an eight year relationship and split over a year and a half ago, they both have been seeing other people. She is not in a relationship with him and they have never even discussed getting back together.

Iamthewombat · 20/07/2021 12:43

I picked it up and on the screen were messages from a girl, and even though I shouldn’t, I clicked on it and read a little through the thread.

From the OP.

This is a world away from

She didn't break into his phone because she wanted retribution or because she thought there was another woman though. She opened it because it was very noisy at night

No, she didn’t. She picked up his phone because she was nosy. She could have switched it to silent if it was disturbing her. She didn’t. She saw messages from “a girl”, broke into his phone and read them. Because they were from “a girl”. Then she took revenge on him, and her.

Peach01 · 20/07/2021 12:43

He's annoyed he's been caught and annoyed that the woman he's seeing or in a relationship with knows. He's lied to you both. It would be ridiculous to come up with such an elaborate lie to a woman he's only having a casual relationship with. He's lied to her while in bed with another woman and let's be honest, not just any woman. A woman he had an 8 year relationship with that hasn't fully ended. Neither of you deserve this.
He'll no doubt attempt to take the moral high ground for that fact you read through his messages and told her the truth. That would be rich coming from someone so dishonest and deceitful.

Jerima · 20/07/2021 12:47

What you've done is you and this lady a favour. If you stay with him then that would be stupid

Iamthewombat · 20/07/2021 12:47

He'll no doubt attempt to take the moral high ground for that fact you read through his messages and told her the truth

No, he will tell the other woman that the OP is a bunny boiler and fantasist. Of course that is what will do, and the OP facilitated it!

WrongWayApricot · 20/07/2021 12:49

@Iamthewombat yeah, from the OP Early this morning,1am, ex was lying next to me and his phone kept going off all night. It was so irritating and he sleeps through a hurricane. I picked it up and on the screen were messages from a girl, and even though I shouldn’t, I clicked on it and read a little through the thread.

Funny how when you take a quote out of its context it can sound much more sinister.

@Bluntness100 yeah they were together 8 years and they continued seeing each other just not exclusively for a year and a half. She's been with him in one way or another for nearly 10 years then hasn't she. They're going to be comfortable looking at each others screens when the phone is making noise. It would be different if it had been a casual 1.5 year relationship with no history.

Nomorepies · 20/07/2021 12:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

BrozTito · 20/07/2021 12:52

Said it before on here and il say it again, thank god somebody is still truthful these days and not dodging reality. If he doesnt like the results of something he can learn to not do it.

StarCourt · 20/07/2021 12:52

@Bluntness100 we don't know she's ended what's going on with the other woman. I think that's up to the other woman

FlowerArranger · 20/07/2021 12:56

I’ll update if he comes back with anything today!

If he comes back? Why would you give him the option? In your shoes I'd block him and focus on my mental and medical health. And move on.

Hadjab · 20/07/2021 12:56

[quote TatianaBis]@Hadjab

If you been in a relationship with someone for 8 years, and you’ve changed the rules or set the counter to nought, the onus is on you to let them know,

Or y’know mention that you’re seeing someone else.[/quote]
@TatianaBis.

Yes, I realise I was wrong in some aspects but I was prepared to be one of many he was sleeping with and he knew I thought he was single

The onus is on both of them to decide what sort of relationship, if any, they are embarking on.

Iamthewombat · 20/07/2021 12:58

Funny how when you take a quote out of its context it can sound much more sinister.

Not at all. I acknowledged that the phone messages might have been noisy but it was the OP’s choice not to switch the phone to silent and she also chose to read his messages, having looked at the screen to see notifications of messages from a woman.

She could have left well alone, but chose not to.

JackGrealishIsMyNewManCrush · 20/07/2021 13:01

@LongTimeMammaBear

I think you did the right thing. He’s in bed, in your home, sleeping with you. You have been seeing one another and having sex, these texts come in while he’s with you. You can see he’s clearly lying to this girl so telling her the truth is letting her know just what a jerk he is.

I hope he’s gone this morning before seeing the texts so you don’t have an issue with him in person.

After this, have nothing to do with him. Block him in every way possible. Be strong and never hook up with him again.

100% this. ^

@Latenightfeelings You did the right thing. You may not be 'exclusive' with this dreadful 'ex' but I bet the other woman (who you messaged) thought THEY were.

Glad she knows what a twat he is now. You have probably saved her from a lot of heartache. Well done! Now ghost him, and never see him again; he is no good for you.

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