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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I’ve just done something really nasty haven’t I?

312 replies

Latenightfeelings · 20/07/2021 03:32

My ex and I split a year and a half ago, right before the first lockdown and have stayed in contact ever since. Sometimes it was good contact other times we would argue but we always remained in contact. Neither of us found new relationships but both have seen people on and off.

Anyways, around two months ago ex and I started seeing each other casually, nothing official but spending time together and we slept together a couple of times. One of these times resulted in a pregnancy (I had the implant, which had come out of place) so although we assumed we were protected we were not. I was single at the time and thought ex was as well.

We ultimately decided against keeping the pregnancy and decided to terminate. Ex has been mostly supportive as much as he can, and has stayed around a lot before appts and been here a lot emotionally. And please do not judge, but we have slept together again yesterday. It’s been atrocious, a medical abortion followed by a D and C and lots of intervention surgically and emotions are really high.

Anyways, ex and I have not discussed one bit about getting back together but have been sleeping together etc and are going through this- and this is where I’ve been nasty and really regret what I’ve done.

Early this morning,1am, ex was lying next to me and his phone kept going off all night. It was so irritating and he sleeps through a hurricane. I picked it up and on the screen were messages from a girl, and even though I shouldn’t, I clicked on it and read a little through the thread.

He’s told her he was working away and missed her, couldn’t wait to see her and was sorry he was late because his car had broke, obviously all lies. But for some reason this triggered me, and I don’t know if it’s because we’d just slept together or what but I replied to her telling her the truth :( I’ve desperately tried to delete it but its an iMessage and I can’t get it back.

I know when ex awakens he will be furious. And I don’t know what to do. We are in our 30’s so not bloody teenagers!

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 20/07/2021 09:14

I think you did the right thing, now I would break all ties with him, he’s not good for you and you need to break away from the cycle of jumping back into bed with him.

AdaThorne · 20/07/2021 09:14

I'd have taken a selfie with him lying behind me and sent it with the messages. You're not the nasty one here. Kick him out of your bed and out of your life. You can do better.

RedBonnet · 20/07/2021 09:16

I assume you thought he was still single so either he's lied to you or she is just a casual fling (like you). Either way he's lied to her about his whereabouts.

so he's a liar.

If you had sent him a message one night saying you missed him (or whatever), and some girl had replied saying 'he's in bed next to me' (or whatever) - how would you feel?

would you be hurt yet glad that you knew the truth?

your answer will tell you whether what you did was right or wrong.

but he's still a liar and probably spreading STDs around, so he's not a good man IMHO

TatianaBis · 20/07/2021 09:18

@Manista I knew you wouldn’t be able to answer.

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2021 09:24

@Cerebelle

TBH while it wasn't ideal, I don't think OP should be judged harshly. He wasn't cheating on OP but he was lying to her about not seeing anyone else which is very relevant if they are not using condoms. He was definitely lying to his other gf/fwb so she deserved to know.
But at no stage does she say he ever told her he was single. She says she assumed he was. She’s not said he lied to her. You simply can’t assume because you habe casual sex with someone you’re in an exclusive relationship.

Of course he’s been a shit sleeping with her. But they never even discussed getting back together, it doesn’t mean it’s ok for her to snoop through his phone and message someone he’s seeing. In reality she’s done the girl a favour, she now knows he is still sleeping with his ex. Although I doubt she did this as she was concerned for the woman’s welfare.

Kanaloa · 20/07/2021 09:28

To those who think it’s fine for the man to sleep with these two women as it’s ‘casual’ and therefore ‘not exclusive’ - surely it doesn’t matter what op did then?

If he was doing nothing wrong then he would be happy to be open and honest that he’s sleeping with the woman he just got pregnant. And if the other woman wouldn’t be happy with that then she deserves to know so she can make an informed decision. But instead he’s lying to her, saying his car broke down etc, so clearly he feels she wouldn’t be happy to know this information. He’s lying to her because he’s cheating on her, with a woman he got pregnant.

Regularsizedrudy · 20/07/2021 09:29

He’s a snit person but you obviously already knew that given he’s an ex. Stop fighting over him and cut him out of your life.

dreamkitchenhelp · 20/07/2021 09:29

I would have done the same thing, he has been misleading both women and deserves everything he gets. Good on you.

Kanaloa · 20/07/2021 09:29

Although I don’t think you should have gone through his phone and to be honest don’t think you should be sleeping with him at all as it sounds unhealthy.

aiwblam · 20/07/2021 09:30

You have at least opened this woman’s eyes to what he’s like. Cut contact with him.

Motorina · 20/07/2021 09:34

@pictish

“Pisses me off to no end that, in yet another common scenario of men behaving badly, the female is the wrong ‘in for calling him out.”

She didn’t ‘call him out’…calling him out would have been telling him he’s a lying bastard and ending the casual shagging with immediate effect. What the OP did was take his phone to interfere with and sabotage his relationship. Malicious.

Ehhhh? He's the one who sabotaged his relationship, by lying to his partner so he could sleep with someone else.
tony68 · 20/07/2021 09:34

Please update us what happens... you probably did this woman a favour in the long run.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 20/07/2021 09:34

Good! He's treating you both like mugs, lying, using prick. I'd be telling him to get the hell out and don't return.

fruitbrewhaha · 20/07/2021 09:36

Hopefully OP you got out of there quickly his morning.

I think you have done the right thing for you. He will be pissed off at you and you can now make a proper break from him. You are in your 30s don't waste another year hanging around with someone who is not right for you.

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 20/07/2021 09:37

Oh dear. Hope OP is ok.

MrsMaizel · 20/07/2021 09:42

Many of us have got back with exes and usually it takes something horrible like this to happen to make you see sense ! You could have just stopped seeing him but yes in the heat of the moment it's easy to see why you did it .

Dsisproblem · 20/07/2021 09:43

Who cares if he's upset. He's a dick. Now don't have anything more to do with him.

Tal45 · 20/07/2021 09:47

Personally I think thank god you snooped on his phone. If you had any thoughts that this might go somewhere having been through so much emotionally together you now know with absolute certainty that he is a liar and happy to string women along telling them he's working away, his car broke and whatever else crap.

If I was the other woman my god would I want to know that I was with a lying twat. I think you've done her an absolute favour and if you've made it really graphic then it will be a hell of a lot easier for her to get over him, a photo would have been best so there would be no doubt in her mind IMO. As devastating as it might be the truth is the truth and it's better that she knows what's she's in.

BrimFullOfAsher · 20/07/2021 09:49

Was his phone not locked though? How did you unlock it?

misses point

Latenightfeelings · 20/07/2021 09:54

Hi all, just wanted to update.

He woke up this morning to a ton of messages on his phone, it kept pinging for ages but I didn’t look this time and after sitting up and reading them

He basically sat that I was out of line, fucking unreasonable etc etc and got changed and left very abruptly- no word since and this was 6am.

My guess is that he will try his best to get her back on good side and if that fails, then try me again as he’s quite a cowardly person really.

For those who’ve asked questions I’ll try and summarise here

  1. We were together for 8 years, broken up 1 and a half. No worries of cheating at the time but who knows now.
  1. I had the coil fitted, the day before the UP sex but I realise this does not protect from STD’s so will be getting checked.
  1. Yes, I realise I was wrong in some aspects but I was prepared to be one of many he was sleeping with and he knew I thought he was single. I don’t know if the girl thought he was in an open relationship, they were exclusive or not but I do think this morning after reflection that she deserves the same knowledge as me to make an informed decision/ especially regarding STD check etc. Who knows if there is a third.

I’ll update if he comes back with anything today!

OP posts:
Latenightfeelings · 20/07/2021 09:55

@BrimFullOfAsher

Was his phone not locked though? How did you unlock it?

misses point

He’s had the same passcode for about ten years now 😂
OP posts:
Biancadelrioisback · 20/07/2021 09:57

@TatianaBis

So you can only dob cheats in if they’re in a relationship eh? How handy for the patriarchy.
Well yes, sort of! It's not cheating if the person isn't in a relationship or if the relationship they're in allows for it.
SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/07/2021 09:58

@HeartIess

He’s a douche Serves him right Blame it on the hormones and get him out of your life
As above.

He deserves to be dumped, and she deserves to know what a tw*t she is/was with.

Now - stop sh*gging him.

CanofCant · 20/07/2021 09:58

Aw, OP what a self serving wanker he is. 8 years is a long time and I completely understand your actions. It will hurt now but at least you know not to even give him the time of day again.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/07/2021 09:59

So you can only dob cheats in if they’re in a relationship eh?

Well yes really, because you can't cheat if you aren't in a relationship.

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