I’ve just done something really nasty haven’t I?

[Latenightfeelings]

My ex and I split a year and a half ago, right before the first lockdown and have stayed in contact ever since. Sometimes it was good contact other times we would argue but we always remained in contact. Neither of us found new relationships but both have seen people on and off.

Anyways, around two months ago ex and I started seeing each other casually, nothing official but spending time together and we slept together a couple of times. One of these times resulted in a pregnancy (I had the implant, which had come out of place) so although we assumed we were protected we were not. I was single at the time and thought ex was as well.


We ultimately decided against keeping the pregnancy and decided to terminate. Ex has been mostly supportive as much as he can, and has stayed around a lot before appts and been here a lot emotionally. And please do not judge, but we have slept together again yesterday. It’s been atrocious, a medical abortion followed by a D and C and lots of intervention surgically and emotions are really high.

Anyways, ex and I have not discussed one bit about getting back together but have been sleeping together etc and are going through this- and this is where I’ve been nasty and really regret what I’ve done.

Early this morning,1am, ex was lying next to me and his phone kept going off all night. It was so irritating and he sleeps through a hurricane. I picked it up and on the screen were messages from a girl, and even though I shouldn’t, I clicked on it and read a little through the thread.

He’s told her he was working away and missed her, couldn’t wait to see her and was sorry he was late because his car had broke, obviously all lies. But for some reason this triggered me, and I don’t know if it’s because we’d just slept together or what but I replied to her telling her the truth :( I’ve desperately tried to delete it but its an iMessage and I can’t get it back.

I know when ex awakens he will be furious. And I don’t know what to do. We are in our 30’s so not bloody teenagers!

[Iamthewombat]

All the posters assuring the OP that she’s done the right thing because telling the truth can never be wrong, etc:

Would you be happy and grateful if an acquaintance came up to you in the street and said, “Christ, you’ve put the beef on. You need to lose a couple of stone for your health”.

How about, “bloody hell, that dress looks cheap and nasty. I’m telling you for your own good”?

I assume that you would be delighted. After all, telling the truth can never be wrong, eh?

[TatianaBis]

It’s very bizarre values to think that because you’re involved with an ex partner ‘nothing official’ that you have no right to expect exclusivity and fidelity. No right to be upset that he’s cheating.

[viques]

Well, what’s done is done. I don’t think anyone can blame you for feeling hurt and lashing out. I am sure he will eventually get over it, he doesn’t exactly sound as though he is emotionally deep.

In the meantime look after yourself. MAP and a visit to check for STD, then onwards and upwards.

[BriocheForBreakfast]

@Oldtiredfedup

He’s lied.

Youvd told her the truth. Nothing childish about that.

Why is it that women finding out the man is fucking about and subsequently telling the truth so often framed as ‘childish’?

Thd childish one is the man fucking about, wanting his cake and eating it and going in for another slice whilst no-ones looking and then blaming it on the dog when people noticed.

THAT’S the child, right there, with crumbs all over his mouth.

Pisses me off to no end that, in yet another common scenario of men behaving badly, the female is the wrong ‘in for calling him out.

Precisely, Oldtiredfedup! Crumbs all over his mouth

[TatianaBis]

@Iamthewombat

All the posters assuring the OP that she’s done the right thing because telling the truth can never be wrong, etc:

Would you be happy and grateful if an acquaintance came up to you in the street and said, “Christ, you’ve put the beef on. You need to lose a couple of stone for your health”.

How about, “bloody hell, that dress looks cheap and nasty. I’m telling you for your own good”?

I assume that you would be delighted. After all, telling the truth can never be wrong, eh?

Erm - those are random criticisms of the person themselves not notification that their partner is doing the dirty on them. Can you not see the difference?

[Iamthewombat]

women are raised to be ashamed if they make waves. To be childish, or sippy, or a pain in the ass if they make waves and don't act with utter silent decorum. What the hell is the point of that other than miserable subjugation? We need to make more godamned waves if you ask me.

I’d have said exactly the same if the OP had been a man.

It’s very bizarre values to think that because you’re involved with an ex partner ‘nothing official’ that you have no right to expect exclusivity and fidelity. No right to be upset that he’s cheating.

The issue here is not whether the OP should be upset, that’s her prerogative. It’s how she reacted.

[pictish]

“Pisses me off to no end that, in yet another common scenario of men behaving badly, the female is the wrong ‘in for calling him out.”

She didn’t ‘call him out’…calling him out would have been telling him he’s a lying bastard and ending the casual shagging with immediate effect. What the OP did was take his phone to interfere with and sabotage his relationship. Malicious.

[Iamthewombat]

Erm - those are random criticisms of the person themselves not notification that their partner is doing the dirty on them. Can you not see the difference?

Of course I can see the difference. The question is whether posters advocating truth, and arguing that a teller of the truth can never be wrong, would be happy if they were on the receiving end, irrespective of the truth teller’s motives. We all know the answer, don’t we?

[Sussysusan]

Yes SUSAN you’ve really don it these time. Hoe dare u

[Rachie1973]

I’m with Bluntness too I’m afraid.

Not a relationship, not your place to tell her.

Time to end the FWB arrangement. It’s too enmeshed.

[Branleuse]

not ideal I guess, but not that bad either. I think you had an understandable reaction and thats the risk he took. Id wake him up and kick him out

[TatianaBis]

@Iamthewombat

Answer is it’s irrelevant as it’s a completely different scenario.

The question is whether those who advocate truth in this circumstance would be on receiving end themselves - I’d much rather know I’d my partner was cheating and threatening my sexual health - a million times yes.

[TatianaBis]

So you can only dob cheats in if they’re in a relationship eh? How handy for the patriarchy.

[caringcarer]

Sex with the ex rarely ends well. You should not have snooped in his phone. He will know when he wakes up and you may lose a friend. Look to move on with someone new.

[Hanger0n]

Please make this the last time you have sex with him. You now know he's having unprotected sex with other people. Get yourself tested.

[IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves]

@Iamthewombat

All the posters assuring the OP that she’s done the right thing because telling the truth can never be wrong, etc:

Would you be happy and grateful if an acquaintance came up to you in the street and said, “Christ, you’ve put the beef on. You need to lose a couple of stone for your health”.

How about, “bloody hell, that dress looks cheap and nasty. I’m telling you for your own good”?

I assume that you would be delighted. After all, telling the truth can never be wrong, eh?

If I was a vegetarian and thought I was eating a tofu burger but I was being served meat instead I'd want to know.
If my ill fitting dress could give me an std I'd want to know. 🤷‍♀️

[SpeakingFranglais]

Hopefully this will give you the chance for closure and to heal because you should have finished it when you finished it a year ago.

The OW needed to know. What she does with the news is up to her.

[LizzieSiddal]

you’ve done nothing wrong, your ex is a nasty person, he’s cheated on two women and I feel for both of you.

[kazzer2867]

@Iamthewombat

Eh?

You don’t get to mete out your version of justice to a man you are having casual sex with.

You say this:

Anyways, ex and I have not discussed one bit about getting back together but have been sleeping together etc

You are not in a relationship with him. What he does with other women is one of your business.

this is where I’ve been nasty and really regret what I’ve done.

So you should. You didn’t do it with altruistic motives.

I’m with Bluntness.

This 100%. You had no right to be looking through his phone. You're just having sex nothing else.

[IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves]

If my scales were lying to me and if I knew my true weight I would cut back for health reasons but I don't because I believe my scales are accurate and I think I look ok then I would want to know.


Trying to compare with size, looks, etc doesn't work. At all

[Manista]

I'm going against the grain here. Op says it's a casual thing, not exclusive. So in that situation each party can if they wish see someone else. In that situation I don't think anyone has the right to go through the other person's phone or to interfere in another relationship.
As for him having unprotected sex with op - they are both having unprotected sex. Goodness knows why after what they've been through.

[TatianaBis]

This 100%. You had no right to be looking through his phone. You're just having sex nothing else

No right to look at someone’s phone when they’re cheating on you. No right to expect fidelity from an ex partner.

How warped are people’s values?

[roguetomato]

I agree with bluntness too. You admit you were not back together. He was there for your support.

[Whatinthelord]

I’d not feel too guilty about the text. If he’s cheating on someone he has started a relationship with then that’s on him! Probably wasn’t the best action to take but he played with fire!

As for your relationship with him (or lack of/or arrangement)….it sounds chaotic and unhealthy. You both either need to decide to have a go at a proper healthy relationship or move on and cut contact. This chaos doesn’t sound good for anyone. Also the reaction to the text suggests that there are more feelings between you than you are accepting.

[TatianaBis]

@Manista If you read the OP she doesn’t say it wasn’t ‘exclusive’ she said it wasn’t ‘official’.