I’ve just done something really nasty haven’t I?

[Latenightfeelings]

My ex and I split a year and a half ago, right before the first lockdown and have stayed in contact ever since. Sometimes it was good contact other times we would argue but we always remained in contact. Neither of us found new relationships but both have seen people on and off.

Anyways, around two months ago ex and I started seeing each other casually, nothing official but spending time together and we slept together a couple of times. One of these times resulted in a pregnancy (I had the implant, which had come out of place) so although we assumed we were protected we were not. I was single at the time and thought ex was as well.


We ultimately decided against keeping the pregnancy and decided to terminate. Ex has been mostly supportive as much as he can, and has stayed around a lot before appts and been here a lot emotionally. And please do not judge, but we have slept together again yesterday. It’s been atrocious, a medical abortion followed by a D and C and lots of intervention surgically and emotions are really high.

Anyways, ex and I have not discussed one bit about getting back together but have been sleeping together etc and are going through this- and this is where I’ve been nasty and really regret what I’ve done.

Early this morning,1am, ex was lying next to me and his phone kept going off all night. It was so irritating and he sleeps through a hurricane. I picked it up and on the screen were messages from a girl, and even though I shouldn’t, I clicked on it and read a little through the thread.

He’s told her he was working away and missed her, couldn’t wait to see her and was sorry he was late because his car had broke, obviously all lies. But for some reason this triggered me, and I don’t know if it’s because we’d just slept together or what but I replied to her telling her the truth :( I’ve desperately tried to delete it but its an iMessage and I can’t get it back.

I know when ex awakens he will be furious. And I don’t know what to do. We are in our 30’s so not bloody teenagers!

[LongTimeMammaBear]

I think you did the right thing. He’s in bed, in your home, sleeping with you. You have been seeing one another and having sex, these texts come in while he’s with you. You can see he’s clearly lying to this girl so telling her the truth is letting her know just what a jerk he is.

I hope he’s gone this morning before seeing the texts so you don’t have an issue with him in person.

After this, have nothing to do with him. Block him in every way possible. Be strong and never hook up with him again.

[Manista]

@TatianaBis

This 100%. You had no right to be looking through his phone. You're just having sex nothing else

No right to look at someone’s phone when they’re cheating on you. No right to expect fidelity from an ex partner.

How warped are people’s values?

Of course you have no right to expect fidelity from an ex partner.
At this point he's basically a fuck buddy, they haven't made any commitment to each other.
When talking about warped values - what values do we have if we take the first opportunity to go through someone's private phone messages? In 22 years with my partner I've never scrolled through his phone.

[thepeopleversuswork]

He's clearly an absolute prince of a man isn't he?

I think you probably know deep down that sleeping with him (including after the abortion) was not very sensible but you're probably beating yourself up about this already so I'm not going to do it for you. It's obviously been a very difficult time for you so its understandable that you feel vulnerable but he is not helping.

Get him out of your life for good and get some counselling to deal with what you've been through. Stay single for as long as possible and don't give this dick another moment's thought.

[AlmostSummer21]

She deserved to know the truth, it might not have been the nicest way to find out, but at least now she knows he's a lying twat, up to her what she does about it.

He can be as furious as he likes, he's the one lying & cheating and he got caught out, his problem

latenightfeelings don't feel bad, you've done her a favour, now do yourself one, accept he's not the one for you and move on. I know it's nice to have someone who knows you &!you have history with & now this shared experience, but he's your past, not your future, hard as it is, try to accept that and move on 💐

Don't feel bad, she deserved to know the truth!

[Manista]

[quote TatianaBis]@Manista If you read the OP she doesn’t say it wasn’t ‘exclusive’ she said it wasn’t ‘official’.[/quote]
"Anyways, ex and I have not discussed one bit about getting back together but have been sleeping together etc "

That's casual and casual isn't exclusive. They haven't even discussed getting back together.

[TatianaBis]

^Of course you have no right to expect fidelity from an ex partner.
At this point he's basically a fuck buddy, they haven't made any commitment to each other. When talking about warped values - what values do we have if we take the first opportunity to go through someone's private phone messages? In 22 years with my partner I've never scrolled through his phone.^

No right to expect fidelity from an ex partner. And if you haven’t made a relationship official you can fuck who you like. Nice

One can only assume you feel you have carte blanche to fuck around as long as you’re not ‘official’.

And then you seem to think you can scrape some moral high ground for not looking your partner’s phone. Has he ever cheated on you?

[Amandasummers]

He’s scum op. One day you’ll realise that this isn’t a loss.

[Iamthewombat]

[quote TatianaBis]@Iamthewombat

Answer is it’s irrelevant as it’s a completely different scenario.

The question is whether those who advocate truth in this circumstance would be on receiving end themselves - I’d much rather know I’d my partner was cheating and threatening my sexual health - a million times yes.[/quote]
No, you can’t wriggle out of this one, I’m afraid. Either telling the truth is never wrong, or it isn’t.

As for the other woman ‘deserves to know the truth’: who is the OP, or anyone else, to decide what a stranger deserves or wants?

[TatianaBis]

That's casual and casual isn't exclusive.

In your world and (lack of) ethics, clearly.

But people are different.

OP obviously thought she knew her partner well enough to think he wouldn’t be shagging someone else at the same time or else she wouldn’t be upset.

[TatianaBis]

No, you can’t wriggle out of this one, I’m afraid. Either telling the truth is never wrong, or it isn’t.

You can’t be that dim surely?

Notifying someone they’re being cheating on and walking up to them in the street and telling them they’re fat is not commensurate.

[MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously]

I think the OP is in a relationship with this man. Even if they haven't discussed formally getting back together, they are having sex, going through an upsetting situation together, giving/receiving emotional support. That is a relationship, whatever you call it.
And he's been lying, both to the OP and the other woman he's seeing. I don't think he has any moral high ground to object to what the OP has done. If nothing else, having unprotected sex makes this the OPs business. I think women have a right to the truth and women shouldn't hide or cover up bad male behaviour and let some other woman find out the hard way.

[Iamthewombat]

I can see that we’re drifting into misguided ‘it’s the patriarchy’ territory now, so I’m waiting for somebody to start bleating that some posters are ‘defending the man’.

Of course, nobody has even attempted to defend the OP’s ex, because his conduct is indefensible. That doesn’t give the OP carte Blanche to visit her vengeance on him however she chooses, and let’s face it, it’s vengeance rather than concern for the other woman’s sexual health.

[comebacksunshines]

How long were you with this individual before he became your ex.
Who’s idea was it to keep it casual ?
It sounds like he’s led both you and the other woman on a merry dance there.
I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, the ‘girlfriend’ deserves to know that he’s not fully invested in the relationship and he’s telling lies.

[Manista]

@TatianaBis

^Of course you have no right to expect fidelity from an ex partner.
At this point he's basically a fuck buddy, they haven't made any commitment to each other. When talking about warped values - what values do we have if we take the first opportunity to go through someone's private phone messages? In 22 years with my partner I've never scrolled through his phone.^

No right to expect fidelity from an ex partner. And if you haven’t made a relationship official you can fuck who you like. Nice

One can only assume you feel you have carte blanche to fuck around as long as you’re not ‘official’.

And then you seem to think you can scrape some moral high ground for not looking your partner’s phone. Has he ever cheated on you?

That's it - go on the attack to try to prove your point. It doesn't work. I'm in a happy 22 year relationship and confident that there's been no cheating. That doesn't stop me having a view of what a casual relationship is.

[Iamthewombat]

You can’t be that dim surely?

Hurrah! Here come the insults. I am evidently winning the truth debate with poor old Tatiana, if this is what she resorts to.

[Kokosrieksts]

What a cheating arse. Be happy that he is your ex and now kick him out for good. I think you did well with the message.

[TatianaBis]

I'm in a happy 22 year relationship and confident that there's been no cheating. That doesn't stop me having a view of what a casual relationship is.

So you’re not actually practicing what you preach - and this is all hypothetical. Doesn’t explain the lack of ethics inherent in the belief that no-one has a right to fidelity if they’re not in an official relationship. How do you think people get into official relationships?

And if DH was cheating would you look on his phone?. (Of course OP didn’t know when she picked up his phone he was cheating - it could have been urgent messages about something serious.)

[Fullofglee]

Hes already got op pregnant and she's went through a traumatic experience, he could potentially get the other woman pregnant or give her an STI. The fact she was blowing up his phone and he had lied saying he was working away would suggest more than a casual fling it sounds like a full relationship. Op you did the right thing you given her the facts and she can make a decision and now you can always make a clean break going forward. Men like that shouldn't be allowed to get away with stuff like this.

[TatianaBis]

@Iamthewombat

[badacorn]

Don’t feel guilty. It’s called just deserts for being a lying shit.

Choose a better bloke next time, he is obviously bad news!

[ChaToilLeam]

Good for you, OP. The other woman deserves to know what a shitbag he is.

[Fluffycloudland77]

You did the right thing, she needed to know what he’s like.

[Manista]

"And if DH was cheating would you look on his phone?. (Of course OP didn’t know when she picked up his phone he was cheating - it could have been urgent messages about something serious.)"

Oh dear

[CanofCant]

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I think the OP is in a relationship with this man. Even if they haven't discussed formally getting back together, they are having sex, going through an upsetting situation together, giving/receiving emotional support. That is a relationship, whatever you call it.
And he's been lying, both to the OP and the other woman he's seeing. I don't think he has any moral high ground to object to what the OP has done. If nothing else, having unprotected sex makes this the OPs business. I think women have a right to the truth and women shouldn't hide or cover up bad male behaviour and let some other woman find out the hard way.

These are my feelings too. I hope you are okay OP. It's always messy, complicated and inadvisable to sleep with an ex for this very reason. The lines are blurred and people get hurt. I know when I was in this situation, I very much wanted to get back together with him but kept it light and unofficial in the hope that he would want to resume the relationship officially. This might be completely different to your expectations.

Anyway, I'm sorry about your abortion, they can be tough and you have had a really rough time by the sounds of it. I think you should cut him out completely, go cold turkey this time and don't look back.

[Cerebelle]

TBH while it wasn't ideal, I don't think OP should be judged harshly. He wasn't cheating on OP but he was lying to her about not seeing anyone else which is very relevant if they are not using condoms. He was definitely lying to his other gf/fwb so she deserved to know.