I’ve just done something really nasty haven’t I?

[Latenightfeelings]

My ex and I split a year and a half ago, right before the first lockdown and have stayed in contact ever since. Sometimes it was good contact other times we would argue but we always remained in contact. Neither of us found new relationships but both have seen people on and off.

Anyways, around two months ago ex and I started seeing each other casually, nothing official but spending time together and we slept together a couple of times. One of these times resulted in a pregnancy (I had the implant, which had come out of place) so although we assumed we were protected we were not. I was single at the time and thought ex was as well.

We ultimately decided against keeping the pregnancy and decided to terminate. Ex has been mostly supportive as much as he can, and has stayed around a lot before appts and been here a lot emotionally. And please do not judge, but we have slept together again yesterday. It’s been atrocious, a medical abortion followed by a D and C and lots of intervention surgically and emotions are really high.

Anyways, ex and I have not discussed one bit about getting back together but have been sleeping together etc and are going through this- and this is where I’ve been nasty and really regret what I’ve done.

Early this morning,1am, ex was lying next to me and his phone kept going off all night. It was so irritating and he sleeps through a hurricane. I picked it up and on the screen were messages from a girl, and even though I shouldn’t, I clicked on it and read a little through the thread.

He’s told her he was working away and missed her, couldn’t wait to see her and was sorry he was late because his car had broke, obviously all lies. But for some reason this triggered me, and I don’t know if it’s because we’d just slept together or what but I replied to her telling her the truth :( I’ve desperately tried to delete it but its an iMessage and I can’t get it back.

I know when ex awakens he will be furious. And I don’t know what to do. We are in our 30’s so not bloody teenagers!

I think when the dust settles, you'll probably be glad you found out, and acted as you did.

The relationship finished, the man's a coward and a liar, but he wasn't properly out of your life.

Now (hopefully) it's come to a proper end, you're free to get on with your life without this guy from the past occupying so much headspace.

Congratulations on your freedom!

You've don't absolutely nothing wrong. I'm so sorry that he's done this to you both. You both deserved to know what he was at.

He's the only person in the wrong.

I don’t think what you did was nasty at all but perhaps it’s a sign to you that you need to try and find some clear space emotionally and move on.

You have freed her. Painful in the short term, better for her in the long. And for you.

I think you have done urself a favour and it’s time to move on. 8.5yrs is a long time to have been with someone, let go of him now and put ur boundaries in.

So I say this as someone who wishes I’d been told when my ex was cheating and who also wishes I’d told a friend when I knew her husband was cheating

3. Yes, I realise I was wrong in some aspects but I was prepared to be one of many he was sleeping with and he knew I thought he was single. I don’t know if the girl thought he was in an open relationship, they were exclusive or not but I do think this morning after reflection that she deserves the same knowledge as me to make an informed decision/ especially regarding STD check etc. Who knows if there is a third.

I understand that you are upset and that you have been through a tough time, and I assume that on some level you hoped that you might have a future with this man despite having broken up with him (otherwise why were you still involved with him?).

However, you’re not seriously suggesting that your actions of last night were motivated by concern for the other woman, are you? You’re saying it now, ‘after reflection’, because posters on this thread are telling you that you did her a favour. It’s as if you are justifying your actions after the event, using a different reason.

I agree with PPs saying move on and get this loser out of your life. Just do it the classy way, without snooping on his phone and (metaphorically) chucking a grenade into a part of his life that has nothing to do with you. You are better than that, right?

Interesting in’t it how on MN the end apparently justifies the means.

To the posters who say that the OP has done nothing wrong, if the OP hadn’t found out that this man was seeing someone else, would it have been ok for her to say “so, while he was asleep I was awake, so because I remembered his password I picked up his phone and went through it. Didn’t find anything but still.” Would people be saying that was quite alright? Be quite happy for your own partners to do the same? And before anyone answers “of course my partner can go through my phone any time because I don’t have anything to hide,” that is not the point. The point is that the OP knowingly and deliberately went through the phone of someone who is essentially just a fuckbuddy, by means of the passcode she remembered. The fact that she found out there was another woman is purely coincidental of her violating his privacy.

And her messaging the other woman was done out of pure spite. Let’s not pretend her motives were altruistic here.

He says you had no right to go through his phone and respond? Well you could say he had no right to lie to the both of you and put your health at risk. Which one has the most consequences? His.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

So you can only dob cheats in if they’re in a relationship eh?

Well yes really, because you can't cheat if you aren't in a relationship.

You and others may think it's ok to fuck around when you're dating someone before you're officially in a relationship but personally I think it's skeezy.

I don't think you should have read the messages and I definitely don't think you should have messaged the other woman.
That said, I understand why you did.
You've been through so much (8 yr relationship, a termination and all the things that come with that). It sounds like you haven't 'let go' of the relationship and your feelings towards him.

I do think that cheaters should be exposed, but since you shouldn't have been snooping and you don't know the situation with the other woman, I don't think it was your place to get involved.

But it's done now. I think it's time for you to move on and find someone who deserves you.

Well, you acted emotionally, rather than thinking anything through. But you're a human who has been through something horrible (please be kind to yourself - it's a massive thing physically and emotionally that you've been through and your hormones will be all over the place. When I had a late miscarriage my head was still mince after about a year).

I think you've done yourself and her a favour actually. I feel really old now, cause generally speaking when I was younger if you started seeing someone there was an assumption that you were both being exclusive from quite early on (unless you made it clear that you were just dating different people). Now it seems like unless someones specifically proposed exclusivity it's a free for all. Does that mean it's ok to lie about what you're doing and who you're with? I don't get it myself, but hey ho. I'd say there's a good chance this woman thought he was only seeing her or why else would he tell lies.

I'd be calling time on this now though. He sounds like he's a bit messed up or a bit of a dick in general. All 3 of the people involved here would be better off being on their own for a bit by the sounds of it.

You and others may think it's ok to fuck around when you're dating someone before you're officially in a relationship but personally I think it's skeezy. i do agree but tbh you only have to look at the relationships boards and the dating threads to see the amount of people who almost think it’s unreasonable to expect exclusivity anything before about 3 months into a relationship So clearly having multiple shags in the beginning of the process is more common than you or I might consider.

If my DH's phone 'kept going off all night' I would assume that someone was trying to contact him urgently.

If I didn't check it to establish whether a. his mother was dying and he needed to come immediately or b. a cold caller was trying to sell solar panels - to decide whether he needed waking or not - I would be monumentally unintelligent and completely remiss.

So your ex was lying to this other woman about where he was, and you snooped through his phone and responded to messages that were nothing to do with you. You're both as bad as each other.

Ouch. So you had been with him for 8 years, split up, been through lockdown newly single (when you should have been having a brilliant time, in your new found singledom, post break up) got pregnant by him accidentally, had a difficult termination and on/off sex with someone who you have been emotionally attached to for a nearly a decade? It is a right mess. No wonder your decision making is all over the place. The rights and wrongs of your reaction have been done to death on this thread but I just want to say, look after yourself now OP. Prioritise yourself and put your lens on what you really want and/or need.

If his mother was dying and he needed to come immediately, don’t you think that the person trying to contact him would have, you know, CALLED rather than leaving text messages? The OP clearly said that she heard text messages being delivered, not the phone ringing. The phone was not switched off, or in silent mode. She tells us that he can ‘sleep through a hurricane’.

So she had no need to read those text messages and no justification for using his password to do so.

You and others may think it's ok to fuck around when you're dating someone before you're officially in a relationship but personally I think it's skeezy.

I'm not sure why you need to speak with such absolute vitriol about sex.

FWIW I don't 'fuck around' and have had monogamous relationships because that's been my personal choice.

I'm shocked an adult (you) thinks that if two other adults are happy to sleep with each other without being in a relationship (I'm not referencing OP's experience but in general) you would speak about them with so much disgust.

Plenty of people do plenty of things I wouldn't do myself. I wouldn't have a threesome but if three people want to have one and are all happy with it I wouldn't speak about them the way you speak about people who have sex with more than one person they are dating.

You sound ever so angry and speak so venomously.

@AlternativePerspective

But OP has already been in a relationship with this guy, so it's not 'the 'beginning' of the process in this case, and it's fair enough if she thinks she knows his boundaries already.

@TatianaBis

If my DH's phone 'kept going off all night' I would assume that someone was trying to contact him urgently.

If I didn't check it to establish whether a. his mother was dying and he needed to come immediately or b. a cold caller was trying to sell solar panels - to decide whether he needed waking or not - I would be monumentally unintelligent and completely remiss.

Or you could just wake him up saying you think there might be an emergency so he needs to check his phone? Then support him if it's bad news?

You are better off without him.

Stop sleeping with this man.

oops .... too late to retract the message now.

But you were not seeing each other exclusively and whatever he does is his business, not yours, so YABVVVU in poking your nose into his 'affair'. You shouldn't have texted the girl, but you could have decided, now that you know about her, whether to continue 'seeing' him or not if you had an itch needing scratching, as you are not exclusive.

wouldn't want to be you when he wakes up :-)

Your actions were completely deserved. Doesn't matter that you aren't officially together, it's the whole context of the situation.

@Latenightfeelings

Hi all, just wanted to update.

He woke up this morning to a ton of messages on his phone, it kept pinging for ages but I didn’t look this time and after sitting up and reading them

He basically sat that I was out of line, fucking unreasonable etc etc and got changed and left very abruptly- no word since and this was 6am.

My guess is that he will try his best to get her back on good side and if that fails, then try me again as he’s quite a cowardly person really.

For those who’ve asked questions I’ll try and summarise here

1. We were together for 8 years, broken up 1 and a half. No worries of cheating at the time but who knows now.

1. I had the coil fitted, the day before the UP sex but I realise this does not protect from STD’s so will be getting checked.

1. Yes, I realise I was wrong in some aspects but I was prepared to be one of many he was sleeping with and he knew I thought he was single. I don’t know if the girl thought he was in an open relationship, they were exclusive or not but I do think this morning after reflection that she deserves the same knowledge as me to make an informed decision/ especially regarding STD check etc. Who knows if there is a third.

I’ll update if he comes back with anything today!

You need to take control of the situation and step out of the drama. Your relationship with him is over. If he wanted to be with you then he would. He sees you as someone to have sex with. That’s it. He doesn’t want a relationship with you.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Entirely your own wild imaginings. 😂