Sex with my husband is terrible, what to do?

[Joanne2015]

I’m 8 years with my hubby. The sex is terrible. He was only ever with one person before so is inexpericed. I’ve tried so many times to spice things up but he isn’t interested. He won’t use toys, watch porn, role play, he doesn’t like me in lingerie. We have 3 young kids together so leaving isn’t an easy option. Plus it would literally destroy him. Truth is I can’t see it getting better! I’m so sexually frustrated and charged snd he’s just happy the way we have sex. I rarely cum and can’t be arsed having sex with him as he’s so predictable. Ive recently been seeking that sexual outlet online abc discovered a kinky side of me that I guess I’ve always had and just never had anyone bring it out in me. Ive never cheated on anyone in my life but the thought of it is occupying my mind more and more. Outside the bedroom we work but sexually there is no chemistry . I can’t ever see him being the dominant confident man I need, it’s not in him. Please don’t jump at me for needing more. I just don’t know what to do as the lack of good sex is killing me. Has anyone been in a similar situation before ? Has their sex life improved? I feel every time I try to show him how to touch me or try something new he dgers defensive and takes it the wrong way… I’ve tried to be gentle about it but is it time to say to him he’s not good in bed amd needs to fix it?

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How did you manage to have 3 kids in one year?

@fucksat50

How did you manage to have 3 kids in one year?

One and then twins soon after or vice versa? Triplets?

@fucksat50

How did you manage to have 3 kids in one year?

Are people really that stuck on this question? One planned pregnancy and a second, probably accidental, one very soon afterward, one of which was twins. Not an uncommon story except for the twins part.

Twins first then accident pregnancy 11 weeks after.

Soooo....we've now got to the bottom of the three children point, but can't help think the OP might not have a clear way forward.

I bump as I'm in a similar position as the OP, but with an OH that sees no problem at all and will not engage on the counselling that I have lined up. Everything else rosy...great team, happy home life, but a big gap from this.

I'd be keen to know if anyone has other suggestions, or if the OP is able to make progress.

@DevonshireCat - Also following for suggestions. I think there’s probably many of us in this position.

Can you not just ask him why he thinks his O is more important than yours? Can you ask him to imagine how it would feel if it were the other way round? If you finished first every time and then just left, leaving him unsatisfied?

Your not compatible. Your either going to have to live with it or separate. Sorry.

@WoMandalorian

Can you not just ask him why he thinks his O is more important than yours? Can you ask him to imagine how it would feel if it were the other way round? If you finished first every time and then just left, leaving him unsatisfied?

Not sure the sequence is important, more the anticipation, role play, toys, dressing etc.

@DevonshireCat It's the not getting off at all due to him not putting any effort in that's pretty major I imagine.

Option 1 is to leave/ask him to leave, and have a life yourself with various boyfriends or longer term partners and hope you meet someone who is a good partner/stepfather/sexual partner. This risks a very unsettled life for your DC and the possibility of never meeting mr perfect.
Option 2 is tell DP sex is shit and if he doesn't start taking you and your needs on board then no more sex, and you are making moves to separate.
Option 3 is be a cheater which is immoral and demoralising for you and DP.

I would say option 2 because separation is your only possibility of finding happiness. That's a high risk strategy though

I get this. You thought he was inexperienced and so would improve. At the start the chemistry and newness masked the incompatibility to the extent that with everything else being great you thought it was a good package.

Then the longer you stay together the more the incompatibility shows. And you also have more awareness of what happens in long term relationships and also discover your own sexuality, realising that however much practice they get they'll never be dominant and sexually confident. But this is hindsight and x years of life experience. You didn't realise these things when you got married.

And it's not necessarily that they're shit in bed in the way some people assume. They aren't selfish and do foreplay etc, they just don't excite you or share your turn ons.

The thing is you always have to compromise somewhere. From my experience they're kind, great fathers, loyal, do 50%, act like a grown up etc but don't excite you. Or they're fantastic in bed, loads of passion etc but hard work.

Not being abusive doesn't make you great, and from the lack of interest in your sex life and unwillingness to communicate I get that he's not such a great person, he's just a lot better than the one you had before before who sounds really bad.
But there are a lot of great people out there you can still meet, and having 3 children doesn't mean you have to condemn yourself to a life of unhappiness with this man.
Having children does not make you physically or mentally disabled, you are healthy, young and an able individual who deserves happiness. What's the point of living if we don't learn from our mistakes and constantly strive to better ourselves and our lives. Life's to short, live while you can.

Huge break through today we had cuddles he told me I’m not just a housekeeper, we laughed because we’re as bad as each other for health issues so physically can’t do the full sex act anymore but I feel much happier and loved again, I hope you sort your problems out too.

Dear Holothane,that's wonderful. I reckon anyone who can survive a long term relationship and covid deserves a bloody medal.

Medals for both us then at least we’re laughing again, and yes I can enjoy my crushes still.😍😍😍

Hello.

I’ve been through the very exact same this. It is really upsetting for us. I get you totally. The thing at the start is that we have that hope that it gets better, we keep trying but it doesn’t. I’d love to chat more about it please contact me if you wish so.

What did you end up doing? Only asking coz I am in a similar situation. This Moral compass where you are emotionally compatible but not sexually is really confusing.