Sex with my husband is terrible, what to do?

[Joanne2015]

I’m 8 years with my hubby. The sex is terrible. He was only ever with one person before so is inexpericed. I’ve tried so many times to spice things up but he isn’t interested. He won’t use toys, watch porn, role play, he doesn’t like me in lingerie. We have 3 young kids together so leaving isn’t an easy option. Plus it would literally destroy him. Truth is I can’t see it getting better! I’m so sexually frustrated and charged snd he’s just happy the way we have sex. I rarely cum and can’t be arsed having sex with him as he’s so predictable. Ive recently been seeking that sexual outlet online abc discovered a kinky side of me that I guess I’ve always had and just never had anyone bring it out in me. Ive never cheated on anyone in my life but the thought of it is occupying my mind more and more. Outside the bedroom we work but sexually there is no chemistry . I can’t ever see him being the dominant confident man I need, it’s not in him. Please don’t jump at me for needing more. I just don’t know what to do as the lack of good sex is killing me. Has anyone been in a similar situation before ? Has their sex life improved? I feel every time I try to show him how to touch me or try something new he dgers defensive and takes it the wrong way… I’ve tried to be gentle about it but is it time to say to him he’s not good in bed amd needs to fix it?

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Role play is god awful at work let alone at home in bed.

I don't know why people are being so fiesty about your post.

Sex isn't great with my husband either and it plays on my mind from time to time. Been together 7 years, I was the one who was inexperienced so was happy with how it was for the first year or so and then I thought things would grow as we did as a couple etc. It's not terrible sex, it just doesn't thrill me. He thinks my sex drive is low but I think I'm actually pretty kinky, it's just something we lack confidence in maybe. And it's the man I love and have a child with which is more important to me.

Whenever i think of leaving because I feel like I need to have some crazy, thrilling sex with someone who drives me wild. I think what are the chances of that happening? What if it's great but the guy is a total moron? What if I don't find someone else and I've thrown my relationship away for thinking the grass would be greener.

I sympathise OP, it's a tricky situation to be in. I'd try and have some really open and honest chats with him. If he has no desire to listen or even try stepping things up then I think that's what I would find even more of an issue.

Most people would be thankful he doesn't want to use toys or watch porn.

He's been good enough to have three children with you.

Sex often becomes stale in a marriage and then improves later on, when the children are older and a couple has more time to themselves.

If he is loving and considerate that counts for a lot.

The chances are, if you found someone else, after a while that would become boring. It all starts in the mind.

It's a sorry state @Maggiesfarm if you think OP should be happy with something because 'most people' would be.

That's close to 'stop whinging', and not a very kind post at all.

I really see why you are frustrated OP - I've had phases where similar issues arose in my relationship and we addressed them but I regret having waited far too long to fix the issue. Nobody relishes having the 'look, this is shit, I'm unsatisfied in bed' conversation with their loving partner, particularly if you sense they are also aware of it and you don't want them to feel bad.

I also see how it's possible to drift into complacency, to think that you're not completely compatible from the beginning but that time and experience of each other as a couple will take care of it. I am far naughtier and more adventurous than my DP. It's just the way we're both made.

The difference will be whether he's receptive to addressing the issue or not. We did try 'ladies first'. And with the resolution of a physical problem, things later fell back into their proper place.

No really helpful advice there OP, just a supportive ear, and someone else nodding along able to relate to what you are saying.

I think some of the comments here are awful.

Oh dear....

I highly recommend you stop with the online shinannigans and I really don't think you should marry him. Seriously, it's not going to end well.

Last ditch attempt just buy a wand and produce it during sex.

Doesn't matter If he "likes it" I imagine you don't like his scratching a scratchcard or dog frantically licking it's own balls clitoral technique but you tolerate it don't you?

@Closetbeanmuncher

Doesn't matter If he "likes it" I imagine you don't like his scratching a scratchcard or dog frantically licking it's own balls clitoral technique but you tolerate it don't you?

Dear Lord. You've just reminded me of that terrible sex thread that was doing the rounds a year or so back: 'it's not a game of Subbuteo, Matthew ...'

If that didn't end up in Classics, it should have!

You can totally fix this! You need to understand what arouses him and he needs to understand what arouses you.

-There are various apps you can download where you can both agree on things you find mutually sex.

• Try sending him some stories or telling him fantasies. Make sure you're carving out enough time that sex doesn't have to be super quick.

-Include him in your masturbation.

• Make sure he understands that he isn't failing you sexually, but that there is huge scope to have more fun.
• Try to make him feel desired - that's a huge confidence boost and will help him to be more receptive to your needs.

It's not terrible sex, it just doesn't thrill me. He thinks my sex drive is low but I think I'm actually pretty kinky

You should be honest about what you want, you might find him thrilling after all!

I feel for you.
What struck me is him blaming you for your frustration.
He is happy getting his needs met the way he likes but then blames you that your needs are not met.
He won't compromise or try anything you suggest.
This is not a lack of confidence issue.. He is perfectly confident to carry on with what suits him and is too selfish to try to change anything that might take him out of his comfort zone.

I married for same reasons, and also thought things would improve. They didn't, I also felt I couldn't leave as my dexh loved our life. Of course he did... He was content, comfortable and well looked after... His selfishness extended in typical male fashion to me basically running our lives.
Unfortunately op.. I looked outside of our marriage to seek sex, I thought it would be easy to have an affair partner for that and home could trundle on.
It really does not work.. The sex with affair partner was absolutely everything I wanted.. Ditto for him... And unsurprisingly we were also super compatible in all other ways.. He felt like the man I should have married all those years before.
His wife found out and it devastated so many lives for a long time.
We did eventually re find each other when we were both ending our marriages, and now together.. And yes life is good. For us, my dexh came out of the closet... Explains the lacklustre sex... And we are good friends.
But my dps ex is still deeply unhappy, his eldest dd took a longtime to forgive us.
My advice... Try another conversation but make it clear that this could end your relationship, it is that important to you and if still blames you... Leave.
Do not have an affair.. You'll get hurt

@sadperson16

Wow *@SleepingStandingUp*,you really are on it today. Nice.

I'm sorry for not realising you needed a more sympathetic explanation of multiple pregnancies and gestation length

It's not a game of Subbuteo, Matthew

Why in God's name would anyone think flicking it would be remotely enjoyable 😂

Wow OP it really sounds like you have tried absolutely everything. It sounds like he's being extremely selfish, I've generally found that men are desperate to make you orgasm for their own egos but he doesn't seem to really care or even notice??!! Does he have issues around sex? See it as something a bit dirty and wrong? Feel like he has no idea what he's doing so does nothing? Maybe he's terrified of the whole thing and you seem really confident and knowledgeable so he's burying his head in the sand and shutting down everything you suggest out of fear? He does know that women orgasm too right?

I think you need a really serious conversation, but don't tell him he's crap that'll make him back off even more and definitely not want to try. Perhaps tell him women need more stimulation than men and so what can you do together to make sure you get what you need as well as him? Ask him gently as a genuine question if it's important to him that you orgasm. Tell him that it feels as if everything that happens in the bedroom is exactly how he likes it but there doesn't seem to be any room for how you like it so what can you do together to change that? If you make it about you working together hopefully he won't feel like it's an attack on him but he needs to communicate with you, that is key xxx

Why would most people be glad their partner won't consider toys, especially when toys are most women's most reliable route to orgasm?

I see some people here still think women need to be shamed for their sexuality 🙄

OP you’ve done nothing wrong, people’s sexuality (especially women’s) changes throughout their lives, so even if it had been good at the start, it doesn’t mean it would still be doing it for you now. Mine changed massively when I hit about 35, I even thought I might be a lesbian for a while.

The issue however isn’t any changes with you, it’s his selfishness. You need to tell him how little you’re getting out of sex, and don’t let him get away with ‘but you make me cum too fast’ - bollocks to that, he can learn some self control. Don’t let people convince you that your pleasure is unimportant. No one would be scolding a man who rarely came during sex because his partner didn’t let him have any pleasure.

Make sure he understands that he isn't failing you sexually, but that there is huge scope to have more fun

Absolutely disagree with this. When a man doesn’t care about your pleasure and is acting selfishly, you don’t pander to his ego by treading on eggshells. You tell him straight up, he 100% IS failing you.

@Closetbeanmuncher

Oh dear....

I highly recommend you stop with the online shinannigans and I really don't think you should marry him. Seriously, it's not going to end well.

Last ditch attempt just buy a wand and produce it during sex.

I’ve said he doesn’t want to use any of the toys I’ve got! He says they get in the way and put him off

I’ve said he doesn’t want to use any of the toys I’ve got! He says they get in the way and put him off

When he says this, how do you respond? Maybe just tell him it’s tough, you need it to come, and your pleasure is just as important as his.

Have you spoken with him about your lack of satisfaction?

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

Why would most people be glad their partner won't consider toys, especially when toys are most women's most reliable route to orgasm?

I didn't like that comment either because I don't think the "most" was helpful, but I personally would find them off putting and don't need them. That's not a brag of any kind, it's just a fact.

But I do.. I literally can’t cum without toys and he knows this

@Naunet

I’ve said he doesn’t want to use any of the toys I’ve got! He says they get in the way and put him off

When he says this, how do you respond? Maybe just tell him it’s tough, you need it to come, and your pleasure is just as important as his.

I think you need to be a bit more assertive here that his way doesn’t do anything for you, and it’s time he learns to adapt to ensure your needs are being met otherwise you’re headed for trouble. If he still whines about being put off knowing how unhappy you are then it really might be time to call it quits.

@Greenrubber

Have you spoken with him about your lack of satisfaction?

Yes, I’ve tried the gentle route of I’m bored, it’s stale, can’t we spice it up. Tell me what you like, things you’d maybe like to try. He literally shuts it down saying he likes it the way it is and he can’t help not liking other stuff. I’m out 8 yrs together I can’t recall a time he has ever asked me what I like or turns me on

It looks your biggest problem is his way of not being interested in satisfying you. You have to be quite straight with him and say no sex until something changes. You are at the breaking point.