Sex with my husband is terrible, what to do?

[Joanne2015]

I’m 8 years with my hubby. The sex is terrible. He was only ever with one person before so is inexpericed. I’ve tried so many times to spice things up but he isn’t interested. He won’t use toys, watch porn, role play, he doesn’t like me in lingerie. We have 3 young kids together so leaving isn’t an easy option. Plus it would literally destroy him. Truth is I can’t see it getting better! I’m so sexually frustrated and charged snd he’s just happy the way we have sex. I rarely cum and can’t be arsed having sex with him as he’s so predictable. Ive recently been seeking that sexual outlet online abc discovered a kinky side of me that I guess I’ve always had and just never had anyone bring it out in me. Ive never cheated on anyone in my life but the thought of it is occupying my mind more and more. Outside the bedroom we work but sexually there is no chemistry . I can’t ever see him being the dominant confident man I need, it’s not in him. Please don’t jump at me for needing more. I just don’t know what to do as the lack of good sex is killing me. Has anyone been in a similar situation before ? Has their sex life improved? I feel every time I try to show him how to touch me or try something new he dgers defensive and takes it the wrong way… I’ve tried to be gentle about it but is it time to say to him he’s not good in bed amd needs to fix it?

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I know I need to be more assertive but truth is ive just lost my mojo. I can’t be bothered trying to get him to make me cum because he can’t and it’s like a mental block just now for me, like I know it’s gonna be shit so it is kinda thing

Arghhhg god I need have a word with myself and him. Just so over it..

Perhaps your sub-conscious is reacting to the lack of consideration, effort and intimacy, OP?

You need to tell him he doesn't make you cum. See what he says to that.

I didn't like that comment either because I don't think the "most" was helpful, but I personally would find them off putting and don't need them. That's not a brag of any kind, it's just a fact.

And that's fine, but does of course mean that rather by definition you don't have the OP's problem. But I did find the (subtextual) attitude of "most women want it as basic and vanilla as possible so shut up and count your nonexistent blessings orgasms" to be badly in need of challenging.

This isn’t sex. This is you being used as a wank sock, a masturbation aide.

Sex is a mutual act. Yes it would be wonderful to have matching sex drives and if both partners came every time, on time, but my God, a partner must have at least a passing interest in the other’s pleasure.

joanne I’m afraid you need to be honest with yourself about this and if you can be brave enough to say this to your hubby. You don’t have to tolerate a life of being wanked into.

If he is a good man and partner outside the bedroom, then he will have to be man enough to listen and hear you inside the bedroom. No more being wanked into. If he doesn’t start paying attention and making an effort for you, then no more two shoves and a grunt for him. That’s it, game over.

I am being deliberately crude to make a point. However, the point is that you matter and if he wants a wank, he has 2 hands. If he wants sex he can start doing all the other stuff. NO ONE likes blow jobs to start with! But then you realise… etc.

Fucksake, did you have to teach him to eat broccoli too?

Unfortunately it boils down to him not a actually being bad in bed more like he's just lazy and selfish.

Most couples learn on the job so to speak;myself and DH met in our teens so were definitely inexperienced but we've learned together along the way;practice makes perfect and experimenting has meant we've discovered what we like and what we don't.There's things we both like and the other not so much so we've reached a compromise in those situations.

Your DH isn't willing to learn/practice/experiment/compromise;he just wants you naked with your legs spread for him to basically have an assisted wank.

If he was the decent caring partner you say he was then he'd care enough to do something about it.

What is the communication like I the test of your relationship? Can you productively and respectfully sort out issues, disagreements, plans etc?

If yes, and the communication block is solely around sex you would benefit from a sex therapist- they have specific training and expertise that general relationship counsellors don't have. If he refuses you could still have a couple of sessions alone which might help you get some clarity and understanding around the situation.

If this pattern is across other areas of your relationship it could be worth having relationship counselling - and maybe the prospect of this could be more feasible for your dp as he is so averse to talking about sex.

It sounds like he has deep hang ups and insecurities around sex, which is manifesting as selfishness. But if you think he is truly a good man give him the opportunity to recover from whatever is causing his problem.

If he is actually quite selfish and difficult in all of your relationship then consider whether it is worth staying.

Just stop doing it, say why and don't budge. He has a chance to improve (his attitude) or go without. Cheeky, lazy selfish.

Fucksake, did you have to teach him to eat broccoli too?

I just spat water everywhere 😂

It's the fact that he knows that's the only way you can get off but point blank refuses that bothers me.

I'm inclined to say he has a bit of a Madonna whore complex going on.

I don't think you should marry him Joanne. Imagine another 30 years of repressing your identity. It would be utterly soul destroying.

I'd bet my life he watches porn when he masturbates. He just doesn't want to watch it with you as you have to be a "Madonna" not a "whore"

You're not happy. You need to sit down and talk to him about it and say you can't carry on being sexually unfulfilled.

See if he changes his attitude.

If he doesn't, your options are to pleasure yourself on your own which seems sad. Or, leave. Move on with your children and in the future find a man who your are sexually compatible with. Don't feel beholden to your DP because you are engaged. You're not happy and need to do something about it.

I think his attitude is actually really odd. You’ve spoken to him and he dismisses you. So you’re dismissed like a child.
He’s getting his needs met, and he’s annoyed at you that he comes to quickly?
This doesn’t sound like a lovely concerned partner.
Are you sure he’s so lovely otherwise, I hate when MN reaches, but I just have a niggle about this man.

I Also agree he’s got a bit of a Madonna whore complex. It’s very common
The main theme in this complex, is the men really don’t like women very much or see them as whole humans

It really bothers me that he knows you are getting nothing out of your sex life and he doesn't care

I'm like your OH but I'm a woman. I prefer "vanilla" sex for the most part. My ex wanted to use toys and do role play, and have me wear lingerie and it's just not my style. He used to say we needed to do all that to spice it up but I've had great, mind blowing sex without any of that. Neither of you are wrong for liking what you like.

Although I do say the 5 min foreplay is crappy. Foreplay to me is the best part so that would be a turn off for me.

I think this is an incompatibility maybe it can be worked on but if he's like me all that extra stuff was awkward and weird for me (I did try but I would either end up laughing or just not getting into it)

@Joanne2015

Arghhhg god I need have a word with myself and him. Just so over it..

This sounds like such a hard situation OP.

Sometimes men need things spelled out to them. Maybe you could say to him, outside the bedroom and calmly that this is so so so important to you. On a scale of one to ten, it's a ten. Tell him you have considered ending it because of this and you want to see a sex therapist ASAP.

You might need to repeat this a couple of times. If he doesn't respond then you have a Tricky decision to make.

Yes, I’ve tried the gentle route of I’m bored, it’s stale, can’t we spice it up. Tell me what you like, things you’d maybe like to try. He literally shuts it down saying he likes it the way it is and he can’t help not liking other stuff. I’m out 8 yrs together I can’t recall a time he has ever asked me what I like or turns me on

I wonder if you're being subtle and he's not picking up on it? Maybe what he heard is "would you like to try something else?" to which his answer is "no thanks".

And because you haven't said otherwise in 8 years, he doesn't think there's an issue. (Not saying this is right - he should certainly have noticed and/or checked that you're being satisfied.)

So his idea if sex is a quick fumble below and whip you over, and he does his bit and goes to sleep. Thats a crap selfish lover. He isnt interested in whether you are enjoying it or even getting pleasure its all about him. I would leave him to use his hand as I would feel like his 'spunk' bucket. Apologies for being crass

You sound very similar to my situation OP. I did speak to my partner regarding this, as his hand rarely touched my clitoris or he would rarely go down on me, it wasn’t very often I would cum at all, unless I was using my hand, he’d enter me when I wasn’t sufficiently lubricated sometimes too, I stopped wanting sex, as I felt frustrated. I realised the sex we were having was bad. We had a conversation, he didn’t take too kindly to this initially but things have improved a bit. I think most guys who are clued up on the female orgasm will make sure ‘women come first!’

I do agree with @SleepingStandingUp and others to an extent to be fair. I love my Magic Wand, but the rest of a lot of stuff I've had more than enough of from annoying exes.

Penetrative sex in normal positions without any pressure to do anything else sounds great to me. But a bloke would have to be good at it, not just last five minutes. I'd need a bit of a warm up too.

He should let you use toys on yourself that only effect you though @Joanne2015 if that's what you want, or ideally use them on you himself if that's what you want. That doesn't effect him in any way, unless it's some sort of phobia or he thinks it'll put you off him (control.) Obviously if it's a toy that physically effects him then it's fine for him to say he doesn't want that, though.

You could get your toy out and use it on yourself before sex, but I can see that that might seem a bit sad.

He's crap at the end of the day and you've gone off him.

Do you find him attractive in his body and face? If so he might stand a chance of turning it around, if he changed what he did. But if you're not quite a bit potentially physically attracted to him, it'd be hard for him to recover the situation.

I should also add, communicate and be open and honest. If a vibrator works for you, there’s no reason he shouldn’t be on board with this.

I mean, if he doesn't want to use a toy on you which only physically effects you, that's his perogative. But a bit irritating.

I can relate to this..I know some other posters have said they can’t understand how you get to 8 years etc but it’s very difficult when everything else works. I’m in a similar situation, 5 years together and 2 children. Sex has never been amazing but was ok and I assumed he was just a bit reserved and would ‘open up’ the longer we were together, nope! Then obviously pregnancy and kids get in the way of even the healthiest sexual relationships. It’s very difficult to walk away from...my husband has lots of other attributes I consider very hard to find so would hate to throw it away for sex...but sex is important too!

Have you suggested sex therapy / couples counselling? It may be that he’s inexperienced and feels insecure or even a bit intimidated if you’re more experienced than he is? Every suggestion is probably being perceived as a criticism so matter how gentle...men don’t like sexual performance reviews! This is the problem I have with my husband he really doesn’t like talking about it so we’re starting couples / sex therapy after my current pregnancy.

Hi @Joanne2015 I wonder if you would get more specific advice over on the sex board. You’ve received lots of comments examining your relationship in great detail, but I don’t think that’s what you asked for. Have a look at the work of these people
Jenny Keane She also has a really useful Instagram page with advice on. She also runs online workshops too, that discuss how to broach the subject of having your needs met too.

Dr Karen Gurney The Sex Doctor is also on Instagram & posts info around getting the sex life that you want.

A couple of books that you might find useful are:
Come as you are by Emily Nagoski
She comes first by Ian Kerner

The tricky part that you have to navigate is sitting down with your DH and explaining why you want things to change. He does have to be open minded to changing things. Maybe look at some of the things I’ve mentioned & see if you can get him onboard. The book by Ian Kerner would be a good place for DH to start.
Good luck OP, I hope that things improve.