Sex with my husband is terrible, what to do?

[Joanne2015]

I’m 8 years with my hubby. The sex is terrible. He was only ever with one person before so is inexpericed. I’ve tried so many times to spice things up but he isn’t interested. He won’t use toys, watch porn, role play, he doesn’t like me in lingerie. We have 3 young kids together so leaving isn’t an easy option. Plus it would literally destroy him. Truth is I can’t see it getting better! I’m so sexually frustrated and charged snd he’s just happy the way we have sex. I rarely cum and can’t be arsed having sex with him as he’s so predictable. Ive recently been seeking that sexual outlet online abc discovered a kinky side of me that I guess I’ve always had and just never had anyone bring it out in me. Ive never cheated on anyone in my life but the thought of it is occupying my mind more and more. Outside the bedroom we work but sexually there is no chemistry . I can’t ever see him being the dominant confident man I need, it’s not in him. Please don’t jump at me for needing more. I just don’t know what to do as the lack of good sex is killing me. Has anyone been in a similar situation before ? Has their sex life improved? I feel every time I try to show him how to touch me or try something new he dgers defensive and takes it the wrong way… I’ve tried to be gentle about it but is it time to say to him he’s not good in bed amd needs to fix it?

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I take that last comment back. I now see that your previous relationship was abusive.

@Branleuse - So it’s not ok to want a sexually fulfilling sex life?
He gets to orgasm every time but the OP does not? Off course he’s doing something wrong if he’s not open to making his partner cum, or open to ideas to help OP to achieve this and most woman would be bored and frustrated if they had a consistently one way sex life.
She has already stated that they have a good relationship but things don’t work well in the bedroom, so it’s not a case of being bored and frustrated with their relationship.

Well, having three children in eight years means that most of your marriage has been tied up with all that goes with that. I wonder if husband is worried about you becoming pregnant again. That's just a thought. I also doubt you have a lot of time to yourselves or privacy with young children, most of us don't but it does improve.

Having fantasies is not at all unusual, it's a little oasis in a busy life that is just yours.

Do talk to your husband, gently. If you can get some quality time on your own, how about some tantric. It can be wonderful.

Good luck.

@Joanne2015 ouch that sounds like a big problem OP. So sorry you go through this. I don't have a huge experience as I left my partner when this happened to me. My advice would be to try everything you can first to make sex life better. Try talking to him to see if there is anything he'd like to try. If not gently ask him how's his libido at the moment is it low or is he just satisfied with the things as they are. If a. find ways to fix libido, if b. tell him that you want to try something new and agree on what's comfortable for him. In the meantime porn, sex toys for your own time can take the edge off. Are sex toys a turn off for him or is he willing to try? Maybe if he sees you enjoying it it'll turn him on? Good luck!

I wonder if husband is worried about you becoming pregnant again

If so, he wasn't paying much attention in biology class, since he's happy to orgasm inside her, just doesn't pay any attention to her orgasm.

That's a point.

[quote Ihadthistoo]@Branleuse - So it’s not ok to want a sexually fulfilling sex life?
He gets to orgasm every time but the OP does not? Off course he’s doing something wrong if he’s not open to making his partner cum, or open to ideas to help OP to achieve this and most woman would be bored and frustrated if they had a consistently one way sex life.
She has already stated that they have a good relationship but things don’t work well in the bedroom, so it’s not a case of being bored and frustrated with their relationship.[/quote]
I didnt mean it to sound like that if it did. The way I read it was that OP had discovered a kinky side to her online and now she knows her own sex life is lacking a lot. I would also leave for this, as ive also had a sexually boring relationship in the past and would never tolerate that again, but I also dont think that the last 8 years dont need to be picked apart as evidence. Tastes change. Needs evolve and develop, and a good sex life is up to you both to negotiate

Guys thanks for the helpful comments… I’ll approach the subject again. I’ve met someone online who although is nothing more than online, celebrates my sexuality and uses it in a way that makes me not feel ashamed of it! I guess this is the tipping point to realising that what we have isn’t normal, isn’t me being a slut for enjoying these things and Wanting these things.. we are both sexually incompatible which is the just of it. Go figure the guy online conseually calls me a slut and I love it… I’m sure Freud would have a field day with me 🤭

I'm sure he would. Take Care.

Op your online dom or whatever he is is not the man for you either. Internet doms are ten a penny. . Youre talking to yourself into an affair with someone youve never even met. Your husband does sound sexually boring but it is shitty to start messing around with some online kinkster who doesnt give a fuck about what happens to you or your family. Keep your feet in the real world

Just be careful with this online stuff.

Its great you have find out what you like and have perhaps realised that you and your partner realky aren't compatible and it's probably best for both of you to call it a day. And its great you finally feel assertive enough to say you don't enjoy the sex and that it's important for you to have that.

But don't go jumping from one set up to the next, you will.end up.straight back here. Take some time for yourself.

How on earth do you manage to make time for all this shite?

On line dom? demanding but boring hubby? The 3 kids born in one year? busy busy.

And one more word of warning, those who are all online talking about it aren't actually doing it.

Chances are of you turned up at his house tomorrow you'd get absolutely nothing.lkle what he is claiming to be into online.

The.more they talk.about it thinking they sound "hot" the worse they are actually at it.

I’m not going to have an affair.,, honestly I don’t have it in me to do that..yes the thoughts are there but that’s all they are and I’m also fully aware of this online guy not being the one for me it’s strictly fun.,it has however just opened my eyes to what I want sexually from someone and what I feel i need. I wouldn’t ever leave him for someone else.. if I leave him I know I have to be ok with being on my own and that I might never find someone else and not try to replace.

@Whatwouldscullydo

And one more word of warning, those who are all online talking about it aren't actually doing it.

Chances are of you turned up at his house tomorrow you'd get absolutely nothing.lkle what he is claiming to be into online.

The.more they talk.about it thinking they sound "hot" the worse they are actually at it.

Haha right! Ain’t that the truth! I’ve no intentions of turning up at his house tho xx

Do you not consider sexy chat and masturbation with people online an affair? I would, maybe your husband would too?

Don’t Marry him your no compatible…
Oh

@Hadenoughofthisbullshit

Do you not consider sexy chat and masturbation with people online an affair? I would, maybe your husband would too?

Not necessarily.. I call it getting off and at this point I do what I gotta do to get that! I think it’s just opening up the fact that no matter what I try, deep down I know it’s over and have done for past 3/4 years. I was here before fantasising about affairs or other men a few years ago, I told myself you can’t possibly leave a relationship for sex. I talked to him about it and told him I needed more, he tried( bless his heart ) to give me that but he doesn’t know how, I’m back at this stage again and this time I know I cant change who he is.. he’s happy with it and I’m not. The online kink is lieterally open minded sessions, no bonds or personal connections.

@Joanne2015

I’m not going to have an affair.,, honestly I don’t have it in me to do that..yes the thoughts are there but that’s all they are and I’m also fully aware of this online guy not being the one for me it’s strictly fun.,it has however just opened my eyes to what I want sexually from someone and what I feel i need. I wouldn’t ever leave him for someone else.. if I leave him I know I have to be ok with being on my own and that I might never find someone else and not try to replace.

I'm not sure it'll be fun if your husband finds out though? If you want to stay married then having sexual conversations etc with men online doesn't seem like a positive way to safeguard the relationship - if he doesn't know. I couldn't stay with someone I was fundamentally incompatible with as I think it leads to blurred lines like you seeking out and having conversations with men online but saying you would never have an affair, as if you aren't doing anything that goes against your current relationship.

Your husband sounds selfish and unable to talk maturely about sex. It also seems he thinks of it as something men do to women, not with women as such - so doesn't see your pleasure as being as important or necessary as his. All of that would be a dealbreaker for me, but if you aren't sure you want to break up (which it sounds like you aren't) then at least stop the online stuff with other people while you have time to think about your options.

@Branleuse

Op your online dom or whatever he is is not the man for you either. Internet doms are ten a penny. . Youre talking to yourself into an affair with someone youve never even met. Your husband does sound sexually boring but it is shitty to start messing around with some online kinkster who doesnt give a fuck about what happens to you or your family. Keep your feet in the real world

😘thank you, I will and I know you are right! Honestly I’m defo not about to leave him for this dude

You are correct.. it isn’t helping the situation

I wouldn't break your family up over this. Not that you're suggesting you would OP, I'm just adding my thoughts to PP.

A lot of people are unsatisfied sexually but stay in relationships because there's a lot to be said for someone who is supportive in other areas of your life.

I think all you can do is buy yourself some steamy novels to read before sex.

Do you think reconnecting through massage might help? Maybe you could do a course in aromatherapy together as a date night once a week and he might learn some transferable skills

You are absolutely in affair territory. You really think you're not just because you're not having physical sex with this person?

If a man posted this. But any way….
If you love him, talk, maybe get yourself a nice toy. If you don’t love him, let him go and find someone more sexually compatible who isn’t using an online Dom (no idea what that is).
With three children, I don’t know how you have the energy lol!

@Suzi888

If a man posted this. But any way…. If you love him, talk, maybe get yourself a nice toy. If you don’t love him, let him go and find someone more sexually compatible who isn’t using an online Dom (no idea what that is). With three children, I don’t know how you have the energy lol!

So if the situation was reversed the guy would say that he makes the girl orgasm but he is left unsatisfied... how is that fair?