Sex with my husband is terrible, what to do?

[Joanne2015]

I’m 8 years with my hubby. The sex is terrible. He was only ever with one person before so is inexpericed. I’ve tried so many times to spice things up but he isn’t interested. He won’t use toys, watch porn, role play, he doesn’t like me in lingerie. We have 3 young kids together so leaving isn’t an easy option. Plus it would literally destroy him. Truth is I can’t see it getting better! I’m so sexually frustrated and charged snd he’s just happy the way we have sex. I rarely cum and can’t be arsed having sex with him as he’s so predictable. Ive recently been seeking that sexual outlet online abc discovered a kinky side of me that I guess I’ve always had and just never had anyone bring it out in me. Ive never cheated on anyone in my life but the thought of it is occupying my mind more and more. Outside the bedroom we work but sexually there is no chemistry . I can’t ever see him being the dominant confident man I need, it’s not in him. Please don’t jump at me for needing more. I just don’t know what to do as the lack of good sex is killing me. Has anyone been in a similar situation before ? Has their sex life improved? I feel every time I try to show him how to touch me or try something new he dgers defensive and takes it the wrong way… I’ve tried to be gentle about it but is it time to say to him he’s not good in bed amd needs to fix it?

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I also think therapy might help, but your chances of him agreeing to that are low. If you broke up with him, sex would suddenly go way down your list of priorities. Things may get better when your children are not so young and demanding of your time/energy. I'm in a similar situation to you and I manage by using sex toys when alone. It takes the edge off my frustration. I could never leave DH, and don't want to when everything else works.

I feel really sorry for you both. It reads to me like you weren't aware of how these things don't improve by themselves and just assumed time would do the "growing" you hoped for. It sounds like you were never compatible sexually and now your kids are a little older you've got time to reflect and see what was there all along. I think you need to suggest couples counselling to see if there is any potential to salvage this marriage.

God, can people lay off all the 'why did you marry him?' comments. She's explained. She left a toxic relationship and he fillled the need she had for safety. Lots and lots and lots of people pick a new partner who appears not to have the faults of an ex partner. That's quite normal. Its also not that odd that she hoped sex would improve with someone who otherwise met her relationship needs.

OP, if I were you and would lay on the how important this is to you and suggest a sex therapist. I have a good sex drive but wouldn't like your suggestions really, so maybe a professional can help to work things through.

Its that or leave really. A life of affairs is a pretty shit half life and is an awful way to treat your H.

Can I just say we aren’t actually married, not that it makes any difference, he’s my fiancé and I just call him hubby in day to day life! Yeah the why did you let it get to this stage comments aren’t particularly helpful, just a reminder why I’ve not posted on mums net for 5 years.. so many catty women expressing their need to express opinions that haven’t been asked for

So he gets sex the way he likes it, and you get sex the way he likes it?

Have you spoken to him about the imbalance there, regardless of what your specific needs are?

Why don't you make it work for yourself? Why not use a vibrator on yourself or touch yourself while having sex with him. You can't expect him to become someone he's not and thinking he'll change when you get married is always a big mistake. Don't throw your self respect away by cheating though, find ways to make it work for you or leave.

OK so you aren't married.

So effectively there's still time to back out.

You need to make a decision befire the guilt of spending thousands on a wedding and working out the requisit number of "acceptable " months/years where it becomes a little less embarrassing to split up comes in.

What do you want to do.

Not through obligation or guilt or worry about him, but you

What is it you want.

@Tal45

Why don't you make it work for yourself? Why not use a vibrator on yourself or touch yourself while having sex with him. You can't expect him to become someone he's not and thinking he'll change when you get married is always a big mistake. Don't throw your self respect away by cheating though, find ways to make it work for you or leave.

I’ve tried , he says the toys put him off and it’s past the stage of touching myself..he usually cums before me then blames it on me for making him cum. I can’t cum with him alone and now it’s starting to look like I can’t cum with him even when I touch myself. It’s like my orgasms have left the room.. yet when alone or online I’m the lost turned on I’ve ever been

Unfortunately, it looks like the onus will be on you to communicate in different and probably increasingly direct ways until either he makes an effort or it's clear his hurt feelings or defensiveness or unwillingness to change make the position clear. People can change but whether they are willing to do so is a different kettle of fish.

Good luck.

@Whatwouldscullydo

OK so you aren't married.

So effectively there's still time to back out.

You need to make a decision befire the guilt of spending thousands on a wedding and working out the requisit number of "acceptable " months/years where it becomes a little less embarrassing to split up comes in.

What do you want to do.

Not through obligation or guilt or worry about him, but you

What is it you want.

Marriage isn’t on the cards just now anyway. You are so right tho , thank you

From what you've said, you might need to have a 'me first' approach OP. If he complains then remind him it's been him first all the time.

@TheFoundations

So he gets sex the way he likes it, and you get sex the way he likes it?

Have you spoken to him about the imbalance there, regardless of what your specific needs are?

Pretty much xx I’ve asked him what he likes.. fantasies, what porn he likes etc anything to try and work with but he says nothing like that interests him and he just like sex the way he likes it. Which it’s pretty much 5 mins of bad fpreplay if I’m Lucky and sex either him on top me on top or doggy.. him cummimg after 5 mins and me left frustrated

Yes, and have you spoken to him about how he feels about the imbalance of needs being met? It's a separate issue from having differing tastes sexually. If he isn't bothered that he's satisfied and you're not, you have more to be concerned about than sex.

@Zilla1

From what you've said, you might need to have a 'me first' approach OP. If he complains then remind him it's been him first all the time.

Yeah tried it but then he just does 5/10 mins of bad foreplay and sticks it in.. by that time I’m aware I’m not gonna cum ( my clit literally hides from him ) it takes me so much time to cum amd o need mentally stimulated to get really horny, he can’t talk dirty ( last time he called it my cun* and it made me cringe

Watch sex/life on netflix with him or alone

@TheFoundations

Yes, and have you spoken to him about how he feels about the imbalance of needs being met? It's a separate issue from having differing tastes sexually. If he isn't bothered that he's satisfied and you're not, you have more to be concerned about than sex.

No not really.. I think it’s a conversation that needs to be made.. although o can pre empt what he will say!! That I never want sex amd reject him or that it’s my fault for making him cum during sex

@Christmasfairy2020

Watch sex/life on netflix with him or alone

Oh what’s that? Never heard of it

I think it's a concern that you're coming to a forum before talking to your husband about your sex life. It makes me wonder if you generally are happy to do things his way in daily life (not just sex), but sex is the one area it's bothering you.

Would you say he cares about your needs? It doesn't sound like it, really, and that begs the question; why would you want a relationship with someone who neither meets nor cares about your needs?

My stbxh had had one partner when we married, I trained him up and the sex was good, ultimately though he was really keen to learn and wanted to meet my needs, I think this is the problem here, he's not that interested in your satisfaction

Next time he initiates sex (I’m assuming you don’t bother) tell him he’s got to make you the focus not his own orgasms.. You’ve been having unsatisfying sex with him for a long time and if he cares about you, he’d start to think about what you need.

If he won’t then that’s a whole different conversation to be had.

If he can’t then it’s time to have some frank discussions and maybe see a therapist. Again, if he won’t cooperate then you know your needs don’t maters

Matter not maters!!!

So his happy to have sex....your half way there, it’s just not good. Easy to improve that.

If he was aware you don’t cum I’m sure he would be happy to follow instructions?

An inexperienced partner is neither here nor there as each women likes things differently, so it’s all about communicating.

The thing is you say everything else with him is fine but the way you describe his responses to your communication about this issue does not sound like a person who is great in every other respect.

A decent person is able to talk about their sex life and would be concerned that their partner is so unhappy with it.

As with most relationship issues, this seems to be about communication and compromise. And it feels like he's not very good at either.

@MozambiqueHere

The thing is you say everything else with him is fine but the way you describe his responses to your communication about this issue does not sound like a person who is great in every other respect.

A decent person is able to talk about their sex life and would be concerned that their partner is so unhappy with it.

As with most relationship issues, this seems to be about communication and compromise. And it feels like he's not very good at either.

Absolutely this.

@Nonmaquillee

Moral of the story: don’t put up with “it’s okay “ sex and expect it to get better. If it’s not amazing at the start, when you fancy the pants off each other and before the pressures of a young family, then it’s never going to be amazing.

This. But that doesn’t really help now.

OP do you still fancy him? It’s not clear that you do. You talk about him being a good person but not being attracted to him.