Sex with my husband is terrible, what to do?

[Joanne2015]

I’m 8 years with my hubby. The sex is terrible. He was only ever with one person before so is inexpericed. I’ve tried so many times to spice things up but he isn’t interested. He won’t use toys, watch porn, role play, he doesn’t like me in lingerie. We have 3 young kids together so leaving isn’t an easy option. Plus it would literally destroy him. Truth is I can’t see it getting better! I’m so sexually frustrated and charged snd he’s just happy the way we have sex. I rarely cum and can’t be arsed having sex with him as he’s so predictable. Ive recently been seeking that sexual outlet online abc discovered a kinky side of me that I guess I’ve always had and just never had anyone bring it out in me. Ive never cheated on anyone in my life but the thought of it is occupying my mind more and more. Outside the bedroom we work but sexually there is no chemistry . I can’t ever see him being the dominant confident man I need, it’s not in him. Please don’t jump at me for needing more. I just don’t know what to do as the lack of good sex is killing me. Has anyone been in a similar situation before ? Has their sex life improved? I feel every time I try to show him how to touch me or try something new he dgers defensive and takes it the wrong way… I’ve tried to be gentle about it but is it time to say to him he’s not good in bed amd needs to fix it?

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It's a programme about exactly what your talking about

It’s not sensate-focus is it? We went for counselling and our therapist said we had to do it and I knew it would be disastrous because it was (as it sounds) focussing on the sensation, rather than acknowledging how fucking clueless my ex was. We only went to her because she said she was experienced in neurodiverse conditions but that simply didn’t appear to be true and she gave us a list of instructions which we had to follow, supposedly to get us used to touching each other. Except she didn’t explain that but to my husband, she just said “before next week I’d like you to comb Shuffle’s hair for her.” His ability to grasp WHY he had to do it was limited, as far as he was concerned, there was a task, and it must be done. So an hour before the next session as I was frantically changing a shitty nappy in time for the babysitter to arrive, he appeared behind me and started trying to comb my hair.

In a weird way it was one of the saddest moments of our marriage as I knew without doubt we were doomed. I tried to explain this to the counsellor and she simply brushed it off and said that that had been his decision, to do it then. I said he had done it then because he didn’t have a fucking clue what to do, about that or anything else involving intimacy.

This was years ago and she still fills me with absolute boiling rage at how blind she was. Sorry for the rant. My regret is not getting out sooner. My husband couldn’t do things any differently, even if he had wanted to.

With 3 young kids im surprised you have any energy left for all this lark

@Shuffleuplove

It’s not sensate-focus is it? We went for counselling and our therapist said we had to do it and I knew it would be disastrous because it was (as it sounds) focussing on the sensation, rather than acknowledging how fucking clueless my ex was. We only went to her because she said she was experienced in neurodiverse conditions but that simply didn’t appear to be true and she gave us a list of instructions which we had to follow, supposedly to get us used to touching each other. Except she didn’t explain that but to my husband, she just said “before next week I’d like you to comb Shuffle’s hair for her.” His ability to grasp WHY he had to do it was limited, as far as he was concerned, there was a task, and it must be done. So an hour before the next session as I was frantically changing a shitty nappy in time for the babysitter to arrive, he appeared behind me and started trying to comb my hair.

In a weird way it was one of the saddest moments of our marriage as I knew without doubt we were doomed. I tried to explain this to the counsellor and she simply brushed it off and said that that had been his decision, to do it then. I said he had done it then because he didn’t have a fucking clue what to do, about that or anything else involving intimacy.

This was years ago and she still fills me with absolute boiling rage at how blind she was. Sorry for the rant. My regret is not getting out sooner. My husband couldn’t do things any differently, even if he had wanted to.

🥲 that sounds like something my partner would do too! Deep down I know we are doomed too.. I’m just trying to navigate through this shiiiiitshow by trying every Avenue. The fact I want to sleep with other men says it all really!

@Whatliesbeneath707 The thing is OP has pretty much told her husband what she wants and he's not open to any of it, not even using toys/a vibrator on her when like many women, that's the only way she can easily 100% get off. How inflexible is that?

Tell us about your partner
On a day to day level.
It might make it easier for people to understand.
Because you’ve just said your partner would do something like the other posters partner who is ND.
So how does that work in day to day life

I actually think this happens to a lot of couples...

I think @Taliskerskye is right @Joanne2015 .

This guy sounds not like most other men. So, what other things does he do in everyday life that seem unusual/unpleasant to you? Is he inflexible or a killjoy in other ways?

Sexless marriage here, I survive, too many health issues but I make sure I’m happy, deep down I think he knows this but we don’t talk sex anymore, he’s just not interested , we’re very good friends and love is there, just not sex. I don’t fancy him now but still love him, I get my sex kicks from crushes, always have done. Get toys use them in shower or bath time, he won’t make the effect, see to yourself first. Hugs.

I also wondered if he just has very limited Theiry of Mind or fixed ideas about “this is how to do sex” and woe betide any deviation.

My ex was like this.

@me4real

I think *@Taliskerskye is right @Joanne2015* .

This guy sounds not like most other men. So, what other things does he do in everyday life that seem unusual/unpleasant to you? Is he inflexible or a killjoy in other ways?

Not at all.. he tries to keep me happy, he is non confrontational, he’s a good dad, he looks after us all and does his fair share re parenting. I just feel he’s lazy in general, the bedroom isn’t a surprise. He is very very complacent, no ambition, no sense of adventure. He’s happy to plod along and allow me to organise, plan, research everything we do. No spontaneity, if we go on date I’m the one organising it.. life is pretty boring right now. When he moved in with me he stopped trying. I don’t want to make him out to be nasty coz he’s not and I’m pretty sure he can’t change.. he is what he is.. . He has some weird issue with my sexuality, always tries to indirectly slut shame me by saying things like “well your a mother now “ or references to me before met him insinuating I was a slut.( assumption based as he lived in a different city to me and knew none of my crowd so he guessed that one up based on me staying out at parties or commenting on guys posts on Facebook) be defo has issue around that. I’ve been toying with ending it for years now.. but feel so guilty abs talk myself into trying to make it work. The last time I told him we should split he cried, promised to fight for us and do what it takes.. but things have kinda just gone back to the way it was. I complained he didn’t make me feel sexy and wanted enough sexually so he started trying to bang me more… I’ve explained that it’s the connection that’s missing not the sex but he can’t get a hold on that. He thinks connecting is watching a movie when kids are in bed

[quote me4real]@Whatliesbeneath707 The thing is OP has pretty much told her husband what she wants and he's not open to any of it, not even using toys/a vibrator on her when like many women, that's the only way she can easily 100% get off. How inflexible is that?[/quote]
He doesn’t flat out refuse but did say again the other night he was put off by them. I can feel the mood change if I use them.. I have stuff he’s never seen before coz I know he’ll make me feel embarrassed by them.. I generally think he’s scared of them snd it’s a attack on his masculinity. He’s never had female friends.. all he ever did was play rugby and see a lot if that toxic masculinity in him..

Madonna whore thing. I’m so sorry OP

Oh dear one of those must not use anything but them for sex, it hurts their pride, when in reality their rubbish at it and prefer to blame their partner.

Yes totally Madonna- whore
Just google it
He sees you as a thing. Mother/wife/sex for babies.
He doesn’t see you as a person

Which is why I asked about your other life. Mumsnet often leaps to abuser or perfect, but there are shades of grey inbetween.

How men or your man sees you as a person is very important. As a human we are all kinds of weird! We have odd traits and our sexuality is intrinsically linked to us. Sex with the person who loves you should be totally freeing. We don’t always get what we want, but we should be comfortable asking for it, and fine with being denied it.

He thinks you’re a slut
Says it all really
I don’t know why you’re tying yourself in knots trying to make out he’s a nice guy.
He wanted a mother for some children and a chill life.

No not really.. I think it’s a conversation that needs to be made.. although o can pre empt what he will say!! That I never want sex amd reject him or that it’s my fault for making him cum during sex

but that isn't the end of the conversation then is it.

"You always reject me"

"When I reject you it's because I am not getting any orgasms from the sex we currently have. I'd like to have much more focus on my pleasure and making sure I orgasm during sex please."

"Its your fault for making me cum"
"I am not to blame for the fact that our sex always ends in your orgasm and I rarely get to cum. We need to work together to resolve this because in all honestly I deserve to cum just as often as you do.

He's been good enough to have three children with you.

What does this mean?!

Does seem that people are giving you a hard time for being honest.
Not all men are good in bed, and not all women are either.
I don’t blame you for thinking it would get better with experience of each other’s bodies, and minds where sex is concerned, but some people don’t get it, and it not their fault.
From people I know, it doesn’t and can’t get better if the person just doesn’t have the same mindset.
If it’s making you unhappy, and you’ve tried guiding, then I’m not sure what you can do.
Seriously don’t beat yourself up for having needs that aren’t being satisfied, but understand acting on any pent up desires is scary as hell.
Ideally it’d be nice to get the whole package with the guy your with.
Being sexually frustrated is painful, and can cause a host of issues.
Has he an imagination for other things outside the bedroom?

He has some weird issue with my sexuality, always tries to indirectly slut shame me by saying things like “well your a mother now

I suggested it upthread but now I'm absolutely sure he has a raging Madonna whore complex. If you want any chance of saving this you need an experienced sex therapist asap.

In my experience of this men with this belief tend not to shift but it's possible and certainly worth a try before throwing the towel in.

Knock the online stuff on the head though because if he finds out about that it's curtains for the relationship. He would be absolutely intolerable.

i think youre just bored and looking for fault in him when you married him.
If you are frustrated and bored in your relationship then thats one thing. You are allowed to divorce, but I dont think its ok to rewrite it all and act like hes boring or doing something wrong, when its you that wants change, not him. Let him down gently and kindly if you need to leave

You shouldn't have married him. And you know this. No, there no way to resolve. You would have to leave him.

How old were you when you got married? Had you had many partners. Why did you have 3 kids in one year. Christ. Were you emotionally immature, open to your emotions before? I suspect not. How you can only have come to these conclusions recently is odd.
This kind of emotional denial is damaging. Actually it makes me a bit cross.