Sex with my husband is terrible, what to do?

[Joanne2015]

I’m 8 years with my hubby. The sex is terrible. He was only ever with one person before so is inexpericed. I’ve tried so many times to spice things up but he isn’t interested. He won’t use toys, watch porn, role play, he doesn’t like me in lingerie. We have 3 young kids together so leaving isn’t an easy option. Plus it would literally destroy him. Truth is I can’t see it getting better! I’m so sexually frustrated and charged snd he’s just happy the way we have sex. I rarely cum and can’t be arsed having sex with him as he’s so predictable. Ive recently been seeking that sexual outlet online abc discovered a kinky side of me that I guess I’ve always had and just never had anyone bring it out in me. Ive never cheated on anyone in my life but the thought of it is occupying my mind more and more. Outside the bedroom we work but sexually there is no chemistry . I can’t ever see him being the dominant confident man I need, it’s not in him. Please don’t jump at me for needing more. I just don’t know what to do as the lack of good sex is killing me. Has anyone been in a similar situation before ? Has their sex life improved? I feel every time I try to show him how to touch me or try something new he dgers defensive and takes it the wrong way… I’ve tried to be gentle about it but is it time to say to him he’s not good in bed amd needs to fix it?

---

If you've found this page in your search of affordable sex toys and essentials that have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best cheap sex toys useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

Tbh I don't know if this is going to get better - he has to be willing to at least listen to you and try to please his partner, as we all do! I've been in a relationship where the sex was just awful, and I tolerated it at the start as the other things seemed more important. That proved to be not the case, and actually his bedroom behaviour was indicative of his character- selfish and rigid. I'm with someone now who makes the world stop and it is incredible. Don't settle.

He's selfish. Can you finish without piv? I would suggest he do you first, he doesn't get inside until you're done. No matter how long it takes. If he complains you can say that's how you've felt for the past 8 years.

OK so here's the thing.

You need to have a row.

A big 'ol row.

You need to get pissed off and say it very bluntly "I do not come, I get very little out of it, it is fast becoming a Dealbreaker for me. From now on, I don't want to do something I don't want."

Dont ask him for anything. There's no point, you've said it all before.

Just flatly, seriously, tell him that HIS relationship is in trouble over this issue. That you are reconsidering if you can stay for the rest of your life in a relationship with no physical enjoyment.

Then back off and go to bed. Let him think about it.

He will either a) get the fright of his life and actually step up to the plate, or b) be dismissive ONCE AGAIN, and you will actually have to consider the rest of your future.

But have realistic expectations. It could be that he chooses B. Or he may choose A but he is never going to be anything other than vanilla, the most you hope for is better foreplay.

So you have to decide if an improvement that delivers orgasms is actually enough, because its unlikely he will ever be adventurous.

You need to have this conversation away from the bedroom when ex isnt on the card. Ask if he actually cares about you being satisfied as much as he is. And stop him from putting os penis inside you until you're ready. No arousal,no PIV

How can you have 3 kids in a year? Is that even possible?

Triplets? Twins +1?

jo

Seriously.

Read back what you have written in answers to the questions.

He doesn't try very hard

He will spend 5/10 mins on.you. badly

He actively prevents you from enjoying it by not allowing you to do anything that might get you somewhere.

Its all your fault its over too quickly.

And any suggestion is made out to be a personal attack.

Now , imagine I'm.yoir best friend in the whole world or your sister who you love more than anything. And I'm telling you, what you are telling us now.

What would your advice to me be.

Does.my.partner sound.like a good one. Does he sound.like he cares about me .

There's your answer

I've been in this situation. You've gone off him and also want more.
This is over OP. xx

You simply married the wrong man and I don't think it has anything to do with experience or lack of it. I'm not into any of the things you listed and am perfectly happy, thanks. So is husband too before someone jumps on that last sentence.

By any of the things I meant this:

He won’t use toys, watch porn, role play, he doesn’t like me in lingerie.

I could say more, but I'm very wary of decribing my sex life to any stranger who asks on the internet.

@sadperson16

How can you have 3 kids in a year? Is that even possible?

No. No one has ever had triplets, its a lie. They just use a magic camera in the photos. And no one cam have two deliveries in a year because pregnancy last 14 months.

@Zilla1

From what you've said, you might need to have a 'me first' approach OP. If he complains then remind him it's been him first all the time.

I'm very surprised that this isn't a given in most relationships. Maybe I've just taken this for granted all these years.

Wow @SleepingStandingUp,you really are on it today.
Nice.

OK so here's the thing

You need to have a row

Bad advice. If the relationship is poor enough that you need to deliberately set out to have a row to fix an issue, that means that talking things through with your partner doesn't work, and if that's the case, you have an unhealthy relationship. Having a row will just make that worse.

Also, deliberately rowing with somebody who is choosing the defensive position will just make them ramp up the defense, which is one of the least productive responses.

Why are ppl getting so narky at OP, saying stupid sarcastic things like “why did you get married & have kids etc.” Not everyone knows how things will pan out do they? We’re you the same person you were nearly a decade ago or prior to children? Life changes, people have hopes for things that don’t always materialise. I find these kinds of black & white responses very daft TBH, as well as unhelpful.

I think you need to talk to him about your frustrations and tell him that you feel at risk from those frustrations; that it could put an otherwise happy and loving relationship at jeopardy. He has to become aware of the very real concerns this is causing you & what that might mean; loss of affection, resentment on your part, you wanting to divert your sexual attention elsewhere outside the marriage. If he truly loves you he will listen and make a sustained effort to satisfy you in the bedroom.

Good luck!!!

@WoMandalorian

He's selfish. Can you finish without piv? I would suggest he do you first, he doesn't get inside until you're done. No matter how long it takes. If he complains you can say that's how you've felt for the past 8 years.

This. Plus what @ElspethFlashman said. If family means everything to him, he should be prepared to do more to keep his together by pleasing his wife.

He won’t use toys, watch porn, role play, he doesn’t like me in lingerie.

That doesn't mean bad sex though.

I'd hate role play and watching porn. The fact he doesn't like this sort of thing doesn't make him had in bed.

You aren't compatible sexually and you surely knew that before you married him.

Does he know about the things you watch online? If you explained that's the only way your needs are met, you could see how he responds and if he's comfortable with it, keep doing that and have sex with him for his pleasure. Compromise.

Sometimes in relationships sex goes from fantastic to good to ok-ish. I don't think you're alone or that this is particularly unusual tbh. Noone is as eager in bed as when they first met.

Would he consider sex therapy. Or an open sexual relationship? Invite someone else in to the bedroom...

An affair wouldn't be right. But perhaps there's some other way of getting you there (maybe with someone else)

How about paying for it like some men do? I used a male escort agency when I first divorced as I didn’t want another r’ship just wanted sex. The guy I met took me for a lovely meals then we’d have great sex no strings! My self esteem rocketed and I enjoyed his company we parted when the time was right. I appreciate you’re married but as previous message you’re in the prime of your sexual life don’t waste it! Good luck x

@knittingaddict

By any of the things I meant this:

He won’t use toys, watch porn, role play, he doesn’t like me in lingerie.

I could say more, but I'm very wary of decribing my sex life to any stranger who asks on the internet.

You don’t need any of these things to enjoy sex….

I'd hate role play and watching porn. The fact he doesn't like this sort of thing doesn't make him had in bed

No one really should be watching porn.

But the rest aside the lack.of effort and care over whether she enjoys it at all and not even willing to talk about how to make it enjoyable whilst remaining within the boundaries is what makes him shit.

Just tell him it's you first before he gets any, so he needs to learn how to get you off.

So what if he's defensive. Let him.

I could have written this post but the other way round. i am not interested in sex at all and my ex husbands badgering constantly made me feel suicidal.
I cannot conjure up sexual feelings I do not have. I did love him but not sex.
He left me to join the fetish community which I want no part of and I have been left pondering my own future and retirement alone which is not what I expected after 20 years of marriage.
Our lives weren't boring by any means but he was just obsessed with sex and I could not cope with it.
He gave up his home, and everything for a bit of sex, he did not own a home or pensions of his own and is now living in relative poverty.
Makes me wonder how he will feel about that when he is 70/80.
Leave if you must but veryone will suffer except you, him and the kids. The novelty will wear off when you have to work all hours to support your family and you are poor unless you have money of your own.

You don’t need any of these things to enjoy sex….

I know that, you know that, but the first post by the op seemed dto suggest that she did need that. Obviously moved on a bit since then.