Partner just admitted he doesn't want to be with me

[junglebook123]

Myself and my partner have been together 4 years, finally saved up enough for a deposit for a house (we've been renting for 3). Last year has been tough (as it has for everyone) and I've felt a bit unhappy. He is so up and down. One minute he's telling me how much he loves me and wants us to be together and how great the future will be etc. And the next I literally can't get a word out of him.

I've been addressing this for the entire year, asking him if I've done something wrong, does he not love me anymore, telling him that it's affecting my life and making me not want to commit to a mortgage if he's not going to speak to me (obviously!). He tells me I'm crazy.

When we're out he will be totally normal with me and speak to me but as soon as we get home, nothing. Every time I speak to him I can see I'm annoying him, simple things like "how was work" can make him roll his eyes! Trouble is, because of how crazy he makes me feel, I kept wondering am I crazy should I just keep trying see if he comes back to me?!

Anyway, I've told him I'm not going to continue looking for a home with him whilst things are how they are and actually that I think we either need a break - or even just a conversation about what's going on but with him refusing to communicate that's off the cards!! - and he's totally ignored me.

He will sit in a different room in the house and message me houses and tell me to put an offer in, he's been going to viewings etc.

Anyway, today when we got home from a meal with my parents (where he acted totally normal) we came home and I waited to see if he'd speak to me and he didn't, so I asked what his problem was and he told me I was deluded and there's no problem etc.

Then after I didn't drop it (much to his annoyance and lots of eye rolling!) he told me "I just want to get a mortgage for the future and neither of us can get one on our own".

Now I realise if you've stuck to this point you probably think I'm completely naive and dense, but I can't explain how much he's made me feel like a loonatic for thinking something was wrong. As if I really was making it all up and I'd lost it - and now this.

So he genuinely thinks we're gonna get a mortgage and continue living like this - he's no intention of us splitting he just wants us to commit to this and essentially not speak?

I don't really have a question to be honest I'm just a bit blown away by how far/long he's gone with this and cross that he's constantly being saying I'm crazy and I need help for questioning him.

I'm not upset, I've cried a lot over the last year about it so I think I've got nothing left - and I think I already knew we'd not move forward together because of how miserable it had become so I'm genuinely just angry.

If anything I suppose I should be happy he's finally been honest and now we can shut the door... but for now I think I'm just gonna be cross for the time wasting and "you need help" comments!

(Most boring thread ever, apologies I needed to vent).

Well done for being brave enough to call him out. You've dodged a bullet there.

He sounds dreadful
Manipulative and gas lighty
Get out now and be thankful you haven’t got a mortgage / house with him
Cut your losses
He’s enjoyed playing with your emotions and you were right to be wary of him

Stop dating this shitehead. He is low key abusive and is gaslighting you. You ask for q normal conversation about where things are headed and he tells you you are crazy. Wtf would you want to live with him? He hs an asshole. And he has nothing but contempt for you. Dump the fucker and read up on abuser behaviour before dating again on future.

Fuck that shit OP.

Move on.

Wow what a weirdo - going to such extreme and strange lengths to get a mortgage. Which are massive burdens anyway.

What a weirdo.

Sounds horrendous, please get rid of him you deserve soooo much better

Oh it's safe to say it's over, and the only positive of me going through this last year is that I've essentially already mourned the relationship (hope that's true and I dont cry in an hour!!) and this definitely isn't the person I wanted to spend my life with.

I just feel so angry. I have given so much of my life and time for this man. Never been unkind to him, never done anything disrespectful, do everything I possibly can to make our lives as nice as possible, and this is how he treats me?

I said, oh I'm glad you've finally opened up and he said "don't try and make out I just said I don't want to be with you"

YOU LITERALLY JUST SAID IT!!!

It's as if he's worried I'll tell people and he will look bad??? But there's nothing wrong with falling out of love with someone just put your big boy pants on and tell me instead of putting me through this lonely confused misery for the last year!!!

Also, I just realised he did speak to me once before this when we got home, he told me I wasn't going to the shop without a bra on - I went to the shop without my bra on!! Had already had the sweet release of taking it off and realised we needed milk - wasn't putting that back on for anyone. - isn't it odd that he tells me that but then says he doesn't like me and my voice is really annoying?

End the relationship.

He wants the financial security of your salary to help him onto the property ladder, and that's basically all. He's not prepared to work on the relationship to ensure this ideal future. He thinks you should just help fund his mortgage - and that's really not enough in a partner.

Tell him that it's now too late to talk and that you are done.

@junglebook123 omg. This is NOT the guy for you! Please do not buy a house with him!!! Marry him and you get a divorce - buy a house that won’t sell and your stuck with him for years....
Don’t do it!!!!
I did 😢, it’s not fun

Well he's given you the answer for his mixed behaviour. He wants you to commit to buying a property with him because he can't get a big enough mortgage on his own.

But he can't actually be arsed with you personally. He can't even hide it enough to go through the motions to get what he wants.

Luckily you've not committed to this yet. Run!!!

I think you have wasted enough time on this guy, you need to vent your anger quickly, so he doesn't waste any more of your life. The restrictions are being lifted tomorrow, and this guy is just another restriction being lifted for you - so vent your anger with a good exercise workout at the gym or something, (not at him - not worth it) and go celebrate!

Get your half of the savings and get the hell out of dodge!

@penni00 that's actually the best idea I think I'm gonna go for a walk! My mind is in overdrive not sure what to do just now.

I can hear him watching videos laughing downstairs - sorry but what kind of person admits he's been using another person and then laughs???

Also, the majority of savings are mine. Which admittedly, makes me feel a bit stupid as it's quite clear now what's been going on but I can't explain how crazy he's had me thinking I am.

I don't understand how someone who was so wonderful can turn out like this? I'm a fool for giving this the extra year.

IDK you said your relationship was ok for 3 years and this last year has been tough.

We obviously a pandemic and multiple lockdowns. It has caused some of my colleagues to end up having CBT, anxiety attacks, etc.

Friends have lost jobs and had wage cuts.

I mean you said you've struggled and he has too.

I've been addressing this for the entire year, asking him if I've done something wrong, does he not love me anymore, telling him that it's affecting my life and making me not want to commit to a mortgage if he's not going to speak to me (obviously!). He tells me I'm crazy.

He is up and down probably nothing to do with you but you won't get off his back about whether or not he wants to be with you. He has told you he does. He is with you and looking for houses.

Maybe he messages you houses because youll start on him of he speaks to you.

IME when a man doesn't want to be with you, they do not commit themselves to a bloody mortgage which means he literally cannot get away from you!!!!

He could take his deposit and find another woman how has a decent deposit. Find another woman who already owns a home. He doesn't he is with you.

I don't know there are 2 ways you can look at it. He is only staying with you so he can get a property. I doubt that. He wouldn't want to be stuck with someone he didn't want to be with.

Or he has had a rough time in covid and wants to be with you but you won't get off his back telling him he doesn't want to be with you.

If someone I loved kept telling me I didn't want to be with them it would drive me fucking crazy.

Why don't you leave him be. Stop going on and having serious talks. See what he does.

I’m a fool for giving this the extra year.

You are only a fool if you stay…

What gives someone the right to treat you like that?Outrageous.

I can hear him watching videos laughing downstairs - sorry but what kind of person admits he's been using another person and then laughs???

A psycopath? No seriously, a psycopath.

Also, the majority of savings are mine. Which admittedly, makes me feel a bit stupid

Only if you stay with him and go through with it.

@CrouchEndTiger12 you've got excellent points, but I have definitely left him to it. I understand my post makes it sound like I've been sat next to him poking him asking do you like me? But I honestly haven't. Most nights I just come home and when I don't get a "hello" back I just come upstairs and stay here all night.

It's just every so often when the loneliness kicks in I do have to say something.

Again, I know I'm bound to say this to make myself sound fabulous and cool, but I am telling the truth. I haven't been as much of a pain as I sound like I have.

[quote junglebook123]@CrouchEndTiger12 you've got excellent points, but I have definitely left him to it. I understand my post makes it sound like I've been sat next to him poking him asking do you like me? But I honestly haven't. Most nights I just come home and when I don't get a "hello" back I just come upstairs and stay here all night.

It's just every so often when the loneliness kicks in I do have to say something.

Again, I know I'm bound to say this to make myself sound fabulous and cool, but I am telling the truth. I haven't been as much of a pain as I sound like I have. [/quote]
OK fair enough.

It is just odd that if he doesn't want to be with you why he would buy a home with you and have to spend his life long term with someone he doesn't want to be with.

Has he always been like this? Not greeting you?

Make sure you take your money out of any joint savings accounts before he can get to it all.

He's abusive. The kind of abusive that has you doubting yourself and eventually destroys your self esteem. I would get rid of him because you deserve more. Much more.

This isn’t a boring thread, it’s a really important thread for people in similar situations to read and by posting you might really have helped someone. You knew he was acting in a way that made you feel like you were going crazy. Others in a similar situation actually believe they are going crazy and question their own judgment. Well done for recognising this and getting out BEFORE you bought a place together. Don’t spend another moment being angry with yourself. You have spectacularly dodged a bullet by finding out the truth before you were financially committed to each other.

Ok, you are unhappy, he is ignoring you, and this has been going for months. How come you haven’t left yet? You don’t need him to agree with you or wait until he shows his cards, you can leave anytime.

Stop waiting and start packing. This Nast conversation with him may have saved you from years of misery… if you listen.

@CrouchEndTiger12 I know, this is why I've honestly thought maybe I am just a weirdo the whole year. Because it doesn't make sense.

Like I said, the majority saved is mine but I don't even think it's that. He's become a very comfortable man. He likes to do the same thing every day, go to work, come home, eat his tea and play PS4 and shout at his opponents until early hours, even on his days off work. No interest in anything else, I've never even suspected he's speaking to another woman or anything like that. I thought it was a lockdown thing but it's not getting any better. We sometimes go out with other people for an hour or two (he drinks, I drive) - but only people he wants to see. Admittedly he makes an effort with my parents but won't see or speak to any of my friends, even if they come over now he just goes upstairs and doesn't even say hello. I do a lot for him, I guess I'm very convenient for him? Shopping, cooking, washing etc.

I agree, it sounds wild that someone would commit to a life with someone they don't love but that's genuinely what he's trying to do. I do appreciate you picking up that there's two sides though, it's important I weigh all of this up so I can deal with it properly.