Partner just admitted he doesn't want to be with me

[junglebook123]

Myself and my partner have been together 4 years, finally saved up enough for a deposit for a house (we've been renting for 3). Last year has been tough (as it has for everyone) and I've felt a bit unhappy. He is so up and down. One minute he's telling me how much he loves me and wants us to be together and how great the future will be etc. And the next I literally can't get a word out of him.

I've been addressing this for the entire year, asking him if I've done something wrong, does he not love me anymore, telling him that it's affecting my life and making me not want to commit to a mortgage if he's not going to speak to me (obviously!). He tells me I'm crazy.

When we're out he will be totally normal with me and speak to me but as soon as we get home, nothing. Every time I speak to him I can see I'm annoying him, simple things like "how was work" can make him roll his eyes! Trouble is, because of how crazy he makes me feel, I kept wondering am I crazy should I just keep trying see if he comes back to me?!

Anyway, I've told him I'm not going to continue looking for a home with him whilst things are how they are and actually that I think we either need a break - or even just a conversation about what's going on but with him refusing to communicate that's off the cards!! - and he's totally ignored me.

He will sit in a different room in the house and message me houses and tell me to put an offer in, he's been going to viewings etc.

Anyway, today when we got home from a meal with my parents (where he acted totally normal) we came home and I waited to see if he'd speak to me and he didn't, so I asked what his problem was and he told me I was deluded and there's no problem etc.

Then after I didn't drop it (much to his annoyance and lots of eye rolling!) he told me "I just want to get a mortgage for the future and neither of us can get one on our own".

Now I realise if you've stuck to this point you probably think I'm completely naive and dense, but I can't explain how much he's made me feel like a loonatic for thinking something was wrong. As if I really was making it all up and I'd lost it - and now this.

So he genuinely thinks we're gonna get a mortgage and continue living like this - he's no intention of us splitting he just wants us to commit to this and essentially not speak?

I don't really have a question to be honest I'm just a bit blown away by how far/long he's gone with this and cross that he's constantly being saying I'm crazy and I need help for questioning him.

I'm not upset, I've cried a lot over the last year about it so I think I've got nothing left - and I think I already knew we'd not move forward together because of how miserable it had become so I'm genuinely just angry.

If anything I suppose I should be happy he's finally been honest and now we can shut the door... but for now I think I'm just gonna be cross for the time wasting and "you need help" comments!

(Most boring thread ever, apologies I needed to vent).

because of how crazy he makes me feel

Why do you think you didn't leave as soon as he started to make you feel crazy? Why would you stay with someone who made you feel like that?

@CrouchEndTiger12 - because he wants to get on the property ladder and he can't do it on his own. The OP has said her deposit is bigger than his.

He's literally using her.

[quote Clymene]@CrouchEndTiger12 - because he wants to get on the property ladder and he can't do it on his own. The OP has said her deposit is bigger than his.

He's literally using her. [/quote]
It's very odd though.

He'll have to be liable for it too. He won't be able to get out of it for years. Why would anyone be with someone they don't live just to get a mortgage and have to live with someone they don't like

It's irrelevant as OP isn't happy. Just leave.

When you say the majority of savings are yours do you mean they are in your solo bank account or a joint account?? If the latter they need to be moved immediately.

@TheFoundations your message has made me cry because you're right and I don't have an answer. I genuinely thought I was expecting too much. This is gonna sound awful but I watch films now and see couples having dinner together and stuff like that and think "I'd love my life to be like that". I can't explain how it's been, he genuinely made me believe I wanted too much to just have him say hello how was your day - like it was the stuff of films!

I know now how wrong that was and that's why I'm upset, I don't know why or how I've let it carry on so long.

@Thingsdogetbetter all in my bank so not worried about that. He also won't phone anyone as he doesn't like making calls so I'm not worried he'd put an offer in.

Cut loose immediately

Thank goodness you're not married. Remove your savings from the joint account and start to look for a place of your own.

He's simply using you as a cash cow to get a house. Thinks he can move in and ignore you.

Protect your savings!

God please kick his arse to the kerb. My STBX started to be like this , no communication and ended up just doing things by myself. I did this as we were long term married. In my case , it was because he was giving headspace to OW and dating sites.

But that is not your issue. However pissed off you feel about investing time , you are not married , no kids, no house together . A clean escape is available to you .

You should not be lonely when you actually are in a relationship ! Get rid , move on and find someone worthy of you. You sound lovely . And normal .

@CrouchEndTiger12

IDK you said your relationship was ok for 3 years and this last year has been tough.

We obviously a pandemic and multiple lockdowns. It has caused some of my colleagues to end up having CBT, anxiety attacks, etc.

Friends have lost jobs and had wage cuts.

I mean you said you've struggled and he has too.

I've been addressing this for the entire year, asking him if I've done something wrong, does he not love me anymore, telling him that it's affecting my life and making me not want to commit to a mortgage if he's not going to speak to me (obviously!). He tells me I'm crazy.

He is up and down probably nothing to do with you but you won't get off his back about whether or not he wants to be with you. He has told you he does. He is with you and looking for houses.

Maybe he messages you houses because youll start on him of he speaks to you.

IME when a man doesn't want to be with you, they do not commit themselves to a bloody mortgage which means he literally cannot get away from you!!!!

He could take his deposit and find another woman how has a decent deposit. Find another woman who already owns a home. He doesn't he is with you.

I don't know there are 2 ways you can look at it. He is only staying with you so he can get a property. I doubt that. He wouldn't want to be stuck with someone he didn't want to be with.

Or he has had a rough time in covid and wants to be with you but you won't get off his back telling him he doesn't want to be with you.

If someone I loved kept telling me I didn't want to be with them it would drive me fucking crazy.

Why don't you leave him be. Stop going on and having serious talks. See what he does.

Ignore all of this.

This man sounds like a sociopath.
It’s not the behaviour of an emotionally stable, mature, respectful adult.

Even if he was having issues and struggling - all it does is to communicate. Not ignore, stonewall, criticise and belittle someone you are meant to care about.

OP you’re well rid, you may never get answers to why this has happened, why he’s gone from being a good partner to an absolute bellend. You will probably never know or get any admission to fault on his side. But it really doesn’t matter. You know the way it’s made you feel, you know how he’s treated you.

Grey rock the fucker, as soon as you can get him out of your life the better.

@CrouchEndTiger12 - I'll grant you it's odd behaviour but being in a relationship with someone for financial reasons is as old as the hills

Sorry, didn't mean to make you cry. Totally on your side! But sometimes the things that are truest hurt the most.

I don't know why or how I've let it carry on so long

It's highly likely to be something to do with your upbringing. Were your parents in a loving, respectful relationship? Did they make you feel respected as a child? Did you feel, growing up, that your emotions were important?

@TheFoundations oh no don't apologise you weren't unkind it just made me think that's all.

My parents are in a very loving relationship, they're each other's best friends (occasional arguments obviously but no major dramas!). And my relationship with them is brilliant, incredibly lucky to have them, especially now as I may need to stay there for a while!

He's become a very comfortable man. He likes to do the same thing every day, go to work, come home, eat his tea and play PS4 and shout at his opponents until early hours, even on his days off work. No interest in anything else, I've never even suspected he's speaking to another woman or anything like that. I thought it was a lockdown thing but it's not getting any better. We sometimes go out with other people for an hour or two (he drinks, I drive) - but only people he wants to see. Admittedly he makes an effort with my parents but won't see or speak to any of my friends, even if they come over now he just goes upstairs and doesn't even say hello. I do a lot for him, I guess I'm very convenient for him? Shopping, cooking, washing etc

I’m a bit concerned that you are dating my 16 year old son. Is he 6ft tall skinny with short blonde hair? Does he leave plates of half eaten food under his bed ?

Seriously - take all your money out any joint account TONIGHT and make plans tomorrow to dump this loser of a BF.

And next time someone does things that make you feel crazy / it’s your fault, come and post on MN and get other unbiased opinions. Don’t put up with it for a year.

@TheFoundations

because of how crazy he makes me feel

Why do you think you didn't leave as soon as he started to make you feel crazy? Why would you stay with someone who made you feel like that?

Because its tiny incremental changes and we get lots of messages like 'relationships are hard' 'you have to work on things'

Thank god you never bought a house with him. Make sure your money is protected and get the hell away from him. Is the flat in your name? If so, kick him out today.

There’s just no doubt in my mind at all that you can do so, so much better than this.

Phew! Close shave!

Well, well done for persevering through that thicket of public dissembling and private gas-lighting.

You’ve been through more of a war zone than you probably realise. Give yourself lots of space and help to recover.

@crochetmonkey74

Are you OP and changed your name, or are you answering for OP?

@TheFoundations that's not me I'm still here

After my walk I came home, and he said "are you going to phone and ask if we can see that house tomorrow?"

I said "what????" And he carried on talking and I just told him I couldn't talk to him tonight and I've came upstairs

What in the living life of the universe is going on in his head???

I'd told him that I was going to be moving out in our previous chat/argument!

@junglebook123

After my walk I came home, and he said "are you going to phone and ask if we can see that house tomorrow?"

I said "what????" And he carried on talking and I just told him I couldn't talk to him tonight and I've came upstairs

What in the living life of the universe is going on in his head???

I'd told him that I was going to be moving out in our previous chat/argument!

He's trying to pretend like nothing has happened for an easy life. I would be making it crystal clear to him that this relationship is completely over. Don't waste another day with him.

[quote TheFoundations]@crochetmonkey74

Are you OP and changed your name, or are you answering for OP?[/quote]
Oops no, I forgot the sentence which should have said 'in my experience it was...'

It is just odd that if he doesn't want to be with you why he would buy a home with you

He literally told her that he can't get a mortgage on his own and op has said the majority of the savings towards the deposit are hers.

He thinks he'll use her deposit and joint salary to get on the ladder, then perhaps he anpe to split equity aftercare while to buy something on his own if he decides to leave.

He rolls his eyes when she asks how work was, he says he doesn't like her voice etc etc.

Have you been reading the same thread as everyone else?

Some people really are this mercenary and sociopathic.

If he decides he can't be arsed leaving he'll go on using her while treating her with disdain.