Partner just admitted he doesn't want to be with me

[junglebook123]

Myself and my partner have been together 4 years, finally saved up enough for a deposit for a house (we've been renting for 3). Last year has been tough (as it has for everyone) and I've felt a bit unhappy. He is so up and down. One minute he's telling me how much he loves me and wants us to be together and how great the future will be etc. And the next I literally can't get a word out of him.

I've been addressing this for the entire year, asking him if I've done something wrong, does he not love me anymore, telling him that it's affecting my life and making me not want to commit to a mortgage if he's not going to speak to me (obviously!). He tells me I'm crazy.

When we're out he will be totally normal with me and speak to me but as soon as we get home, nothing. Every time I speak to him I can see I'm annoying him, simple things like "how was work" can make him roll his eyes! Trouble is, because of how crazy he makes me feel, I kept wondering am I crazy should I just keep trying see if he comes back to me?!

Anyway, I've told him I'm not going to continue looking for a home with him whilst things are how they are and actually that I think we either need a break - or even just a conversation about what's going on but with him refusing to communicate that's off the cards!! - and he's totally ignored me.

He will sit in a different room in the house and message me houses and tell me to put an offer in, he's been going to viewings etc.

Anyway, today when we got home from a meal with my parents (where he acted totally normal) we came home and I waited to see if he'd speak to me and he didn't, so I asked what his problem was and he told me I was deluded and there's no problem etc.

Then after I didn't drop it (much to his annoyance and lots of eye rolling!) he told me "I just want to get a mortgage for the future and neither of us can get one on our own".

Now I realise if you've stuck to this point you probably think I'm completely naive and dense, but I can't explain how much he's made me feel like a loonatic for thinking something was wrong. As if I really was making it all up and I'd lost it - and now this.

So he genuinely thinks we're gonna get a mortgage and continue living like this - he's no intention of us splitting he just wants us to commit to this and essentially not speak?

I don't really have a question to be honest I'm just a bit blown away by how far/long he's gone with this and cross that he's constantly being saying I'm crazy and I need help for questioning him.

I'm not upset, I've cried a lot over the last year about it so I think I've got nothing left - and I think I already knew we'd not move forward together because of how miserable it had become so I'm genuinely just angry.

If anything I suppose I should be happy he's finally been honest and now we can shut the door... but for now I think I'm just gonna be cross for the time wasting and "you need help" comments!

(Most boring thread ever, apologies I needed to vent).

Well done OP 👏👏

@junglebook123

I can't understand why he's done this to me, it's really really cruel and I know I'm bound to say it but I genuinely don't think I've done anything to deserve it.

I've put up with so much and supported him through so many of his problems. I know I'm well rid but it is hard to accept being treated like this. It's as if he thinks I don't exist if that makes sense, like I have no feelings or emotions, or even any purpose on earth other than to pander to him.

He definitely won't move out tonight. If he wanted shot of me he could have just left ages ago, I'm realising now that this is definitely all one big game to him. I know I should be stronger but it makes me so sad knowing I've just been used.

Google 'covert narcissist' and look up Dr Ramani's videos on youtube. Loads of resources out there to help you understand what has happened.

It's definitely not your fault. And you're right - to him, you don't really exist, you are just a way of getting what he wants. Yes, it's a game to him. Horrible, but that's how these people are.

I'm so glad your parents have come around a bit.

Basically he cant stand your company, but is too lazy to separate. Be grateful you re not 4 years down the line with him, kids and house bought/mortgaged. Sounds like emotional abuse, and its probably nothing personal, he ll do it to the next woman no doubt.
You ll be happier after you dump his ass, which you know you gotta.

Well done for seeing what he was, and for getting out. He won't like losing control of you, so have as little contact as possible, and if you have to see / speak to him, channel as much strength as you. You can always lose it and cry in private afterwards, but he needs to see that you are resolved, strong, and not going to change your mind. If he sees weakness he will redouble his efforts.

Stay strong. Rely on friends and family for help. Look forward to an exciting future without him. And remember everything you have shared with us here, in case at some point in the future he comes weedling back.

Time to do all the boring stuff. Think about PayPal, Amazon, Netflix, passwords, cards, insurance, and on and on. Make sure there is no connection that can cost you money.

It's so weird in itself that he went to your parents. Only a highly manipulative person would do that on the day of a break-up, especially after not talking to you for months. It's the behaviour of a very immature desperate lovesick puppy...or a calculating narcissist who wants to isolate you.

@Paddling654

It's so weird in itself that he went to your parents. Only a highly manipulative person would do that on the day of a break-up, especially after not talking to you for months. It's the behaviour of a very immature desperate lovesick puppy...or a calculating narcissist who wants to isolate you.

He was trying to gather an army in order to keep the status quo of gaining a foothold on the property ladder with OP's money.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Time to do all the boring stuff. Think about PayPal, Amazon, Netflix, passwords, cards, insurance, and on and on. Make sure there is no connection that can cost you money.

Yes.. get on top of all these things

@junglebook123

I feel like I've had time to process it all but just getting more annoyed and upset with myself.

He has really been so cruel through all of this. I've heard him moaning about me to people he plays his game with saying I have a go at him for being on his PlayStation and I'm controlling but what I've actually said is "you always say you have no free time to do anything together but you spend 6-7 hours a night on your game".

I don't have an issue with him playing the game (the shouting annoys me though), it's the fact he acts like I'm invisible that annoys me!

I know his friends and family think I'm a nutter. They think I'm controlling as well because whenever he doesn't want to see them he says it's my fault and so now they all think I'm trying to segregate him from them when in actual fact, I'd love them to come round, I'd happily talk to the wall at this point (Shirley Valentine style) so MIL would be a treat!!

I've let him get away with all of this because I know he's shy and insecure but it's all coming together now that actually he's just a manipulative nasty man!

More similarities to my own experience here. I practically sniffed he was a gamer from your first post. The way he thinks this type of relationship is acceptable or normal, the way he doesn't greet you when he comes in I'm sure you don't want a show, song and jazz hands do you? It's just a bit bizarre if you come back from work and you feel like part of the wallpaper.

He doesn't really need relationships OP. It was exciting for a while, a bit of an ego boost and a buzz for a while, but as soon as that initial phase wore off, you were never going to be able to complete with his gaming life. You are what fits around him and his gaming, not the other way around. You're convenient to have in the background if he ever needs a cuddle or sex, but other than that, it doesn't occur to him or he doesn't care that you want more than this.

Feels shit now but you know what - it’s taught you something that will make you stronger for the future.

@junglebook123

At parents house now, he hadn't told them full story AT ALL. They're just very confused, finding it hard to believe because of how he seems when he's in their company (quiet, polite) but I think they get it.

I'm not sure why my dad offered to help him with money he's definitely got enough to get a new place but my dad is a bit of an empath and sometimes goes over the top helping people even when they don't deserve it. That offer is off the table now.

I haven't heard from him apart from a message this afternoon telling me he thinks I need serious help.

Had a really big cry telling my partner about it all, and although I've got a really bad headache, I actually feel a lot better.

He's told my dad he's moving out of our house tonight, I don't believe that for a second.

When will people learn that just because people are quiet doesn't mean they're nice. You can have some people that are a bit loud and socially confident that have heart of gold, and other people who are quiet and shy who are manipulative, nasty, resentful, angry fuckers on the inside. It takes a while to find that out sometimes because they often take so long to open up and show you this ugly side.

'I haven't heard from him apart from a message this afternoon telling me he thinks I need serious help'

Either laugh at that or shrug your shoulders. Some men like to call their partners mad or emotionally unstable for not thinking the sun shines out of their asses.

OP...

you are FREE 🎉

Glad you told your parents and the money’s off the table. A lot of the time, your relationship has you feeling so ashamed that you don’t want to tell anyone how bad things really are. (Been there, done that, have the t-shirt. It’s remarkably common, no matter how strong or intelligent you are - they suck you in slowly and fuck with your head.) You’re right that he won’t be gone. He’s assuming that this threat will have you panicking and running back to stop him, not breathing a sigh of relief. He’ll be plugged into his machine, bitching to his virtual “friends” wondering when his caregiver will be back to feed him and remind him to shower and go to the toilet like a big boy.

OP : think about any paperwork you might want to photocopy etc

Gosh, I so wish I had been using Mumsnet some years ago, I might have saved my house and my sanity if I had had this support.

Things not good today. He's completely ignored me and gone to my parents telling them I've all of a sudden decided it's over and now they're convinced I'm being unreasonable and unkind

At parents house now, he hadn't told them full story AT ALL. They're just very confused, finding it hard to believe because of how he seems when he's in their company (quiet, polite) but I think they get it

Okay this reaction from your parents explains perfectly why you ended up in this bad relationship for so long. Your parents have a phone call from him saying that you ended the relationship and their reaction is you're unkind and unreasonable? Did they not stop for a moment and think there must be something you going on that they don't know about and to check your okay? Just straight to "unkind" and not knowing what to believe, how about believing their daughter? Honestly OP I'm angry on your behalf, it sounds like they have conditioned you to be a people pleaser, even when the people are hurting you. When you feel ready I would recommend talking to a counsellor about this relationship and your family, there's some stuff to unpick here.

I think the ex has been whispering shit into their ears for years - making out it is you that is the problem. My ex used to be so kind and helpful when others were around. He'd spring to attention when family joined us at our home - before they left he would start making obvious attempts to start cleaning up - as soon as they left then he'd stop everything half done.

I had an ex like this, right down to contacting my parents and blackening my name. My mum believed him but my Dad confessed he hated him from the start. Ruined my relationship with my mum though, if I'm honest.

@Herecomesspring1

I had an ex like this, right down to contacting my parents and blackening my name. My mum believed him but my Dad confessed he hated him from the start. Ruined my relationship with my mum though, if I'm honest.

Snap! I had the same with DS’s dad. The first time I tried to leave he drove to my mums (takes over an hour) and told her that I was cheating (I wasn’t). My mum completely believed him and thought he was a nice kind quiet man.

Matter of fact he was incredibly emotionally abusive, called me a cunt, threatened to kill me and DS if we left etc. Had keyloggers on all my devices (found my passwords in a drawer for every account).

When I bought my first house and he couldn’t get in the mortgage, I finally had the guts to end it after he raped me for the last time. He hassled me for 3 years after. Even rented a flat around the corner to my house and you could actually see in to my house from it with binoculars! Then he wanted to own part of the house as he paid me about £300 during the 2 months he was there .

Please be careful OP. They can seem quiet and shy to people but they often hate losing control of you. I never really forgave my mum for not believing me. The only person who did was my lovely grandmother. She told me afterwards she had always hated him and that I looked like a shadow of myself whilst I was with him.

How are things going today?

@Maddiemademe our stories our so similar

[quote Herecomesspring1]@Maddiemademe our stories our so similar [/quote]
It is bloody scary that so many men can be like this

@Maddiemademe I was just pondering that. They’re like text book arseholes, with all the same traits and patterns of behaviour. You only realise this on the other side. Well done us for making them exes though! 💪

Well done for recognising what he was like, OP, before you became tied to him by way of a mortgage, marriage or children. How frighteningly quickly he upped the manipulation when he realised you were really leaving, by attempting to use your parents to pressure you.

I just wanted to say, your expectations of a relationship are completely reasonable. Expecting your partner to say hello when you arrive home, to want to spend some time with you, to behave the same way towards you in private as in public and so on is not asking for the moon on a stick. My husband and I are in the trenches of parenting small children at the moment but he is always interested to hear about our day (I'm a SAHP). We're not up to anything wildly exciting at the moment as I'm pregnant but we do things like watch a TV programme together, cook a nicer meal together on a weekly date night, go out for lunch when the grandparents can have the older ones etc. He isn't a performance parent, yes he does lots when we are with other people but he ALSO does lots when we're alone at home, he is not two different people. He does not make me second guess myself or feel I'm going crazy, he doesn't ignore me or gaslight me. He is just a normal regular chap. You are quite right to expect your relationship to be more like that, it's not something unachievable for most men.

@GreyPaw

Has this information come from him or them? They might have a completely different perspective. If my daughter was going out with a twat like him, I'd pay him to fuck off too.

My dad absolutely would've done this too, wouldn't have blinked an eye. Luckily he never had too, but we've all been suckered by a asshole at some point jungle. I'm so glad you're extricating yourself from this loser. You deserve, and you will, have a relationship with someone who values you for the loving, kind, supportive partner you are.

Maddiemademe and Herecomesspring1 same goes for you guys 💐💐💐

OP, please make sure he can't access your savings account and that you notify the landlady that you've left. Tell her why!! I wouldn't put it past him to damage the house and leave you with the bill. I say this as someone who has been where you are with 3 small kids - he cleared our my account to pay for his solicitor!! Block him on every phone, text and SM account and walk away - quickly. Stay vigilant re your personal safety and check Paladins website as it gives advice on stalking. He may not let you go so easily. Take care