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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner just admitted he doesn't want to be with me

207 replies

junglebook123 · 18/07/2021 20:17

Myself and my partner have been together 4 years, finally saved up enough for a deposit for a house (we've been renting for 3). Last year has been tough (as it has for everyone) and I've felt a bit unhappy. He is so up and down. One minute he's telling me how much he loves me and wants us to be together and how great the future will be etc. And the next I literally can't get a word out of him.

I've been addressing this for the entire year, asking him if I've done something wrong, does he not love me anymore, telling him that it's affecting my life and making me not want to commit to a mortgage if he's not going to speak to me (obviously!). He tells me I'm crazy.

When we're out he will be totally normal with me and speak to me but as soon as we get home, nothing. Every time I speak to him I can see I'm annoying him, simple things like "how was work" can make him roll his eyes! Trouble is, because of how crazy he makes me feel, I kept wondering am I crazy should I just keep trying see if he comes back to me?!

Anyway, I've told him I'm not going to continue looking for a home with him whilst things are how they are and actually that I think we either need a break - or even just a conversation about what's going on but with him refusing to communicate that's off the cards!! - and he's totally ignored me.

He will sit in a different room in the house and message me houses and tell me to put an offer in, he's been going to viewings etc.

Anyway, today when we got home from a meal with my parents (where he acted totally normal) we came home and I waited to see if he'd speak to me and he didn't, so I asked what his problem was and he told me I was deluded and there's no problem etc.

Then after I didn't drop it (much to his annoyance and lots of eye rolling!) he told me "I just want to get a mortgage for the future and neither of us can get one on our own".

Now I realise if you've stuck to this point you probably think I'm completely naive and dense, but I can't explain how much he's made me feel like a loonatic for thinking something was wrong. As if I really was making it all up and I'd lost it - and now this.

So he genuinely thinks we're gonna get a mortgage and continue living like this - he's no intention of us splitting he just wants us to commit to this and essentially not speak?

I don't really have a question to be honest I'm just a bit blown away by how far/long he's gone with this and cross that he's constantly being saying I'm crazy and I need help for questioning him.

I'm not upset, I've cried a lot over the last year about it so I think I've got nothing left - and I think I already knew we'd not move forward together because of how miserable it had become so I'm genuinely just angry.

If anything I suppose I should be happy he's finally been honest and now we can shut the door... but for now I think I'm just gonna be cross for the time wasting and "you need help" comments!

(Most boring thread ever, apologies I needed to vent).

OP posts:
WhiskeyGalore212 · 18/07/2021 22:15

*perhaps he hopes to split equity after a while

WhiskeyGalore212 · 18/07/2021 22:18

What in the living life of the universe is going on in his head???

House buying, clearly.

If you'd like a house mate to co buy with, he'd be your man; except he doesn't have an equal deposit (!) And he'd be a fkg pitb to live with.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 18/07/2021 22:19

You did well to act on this op.

And thank goodness he has no filter.

grapewine · 18/07/2021 22:29

He's a twat. Spell it out to him if need be. Don't let him gaslight you any longer.

Lachimolala · 18/07/2021 22:30

I’d move every penny you’ve put into the mortgage savings out now into your own secure account he can’t get to, but I’m a suspicious sally when it comes to stuff like that.

saraclara · 18/07/2021 22:30

I am SO glad that you're savings are safe. He isn't just using you for the mortgage, he's using you for your savings. That's unforgivable.

Pumpkinpie1 · 18/07/2021 22:35

You can do so much better than this parasite
Protect your savings & your heart

Loudestcat14 · 18/07/2021 22:36

Blimey OP, he's trying to do a right number on you, isn't he! Being in a relationship when your partner sulks and refuses to engage in conversation is a form of mental torture. For him to then turn round and blithely ask about buying houses is bonkers! I'm really glad your deposit is ring-fenced in your own account – use some of the money to run for the hills.

Don't go downstairs now to talk to him, play him at his own game by sending him text telling him it's definitely over, you won't be buying so much as a stamp with him and you're moving out.

Original poster
junglebook123 · 18/07/2021 22:44

I feel like I've had time to process it all but just getting more annoyed and upset with myself.

He has really been so cruel through all of this. I've heard him moaning about me to people he plays his game with saying I have a go at him for being on his PlayStation and I'm controlling but what I've actually said is "you always say you have no free time to do anything together but you spend 6-7 hours a night on your game".

I don't have an issue with him playing the game (the shouting annoys me though), it's the fact he acts like I'm invisible that annoys me!

I know his friends and family think I'm a nutter. They think I'm controlling as well because whenever he doesn't want to see them he says it's my fault and so now they all think I'm trying to segregate him from them when in actual fact, I'd love them to come round, I'd happily talk to the wall at this point (Shirley Valentine style) so MIL would be a treat!!

I've let him get away with all of this because I know he's shy and insecure but it's all coming together now that actually he's just a manipulative nasty man!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/07/2021 22:44

What is the rental agreement like where you are now? When does it end? Because quite frankly I would wait until he's gone to work and then move out.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 18/07/2021 22:49

It's brilliant that he's slipped up and told you the truth. He'll try to back track of course.

You're right, he's a manipulative nasty man, and he's going to cause the biggest fuss ever at your ending the relationship - people like that always do.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 18/07/2021 22:51

One day, you'll meet a man who adores you, and wants to make a home with you. this one's behaviour would have got a lot worse towards you once he had his house :(

reader12 · 18/07/2021 22:56

Well done for seeing the truth before it’s too late! Make sure he hasn’t figured out your passwords and that he definitely can’t get into your account. And good luck with your next steps!

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/07/2021 22:59

"When we're out he will be totally normal with me and speak to me but as soon as we get home, nothing."

That says a lot really.

And it ties in with other things you've said - It's as if he's worried I'll tell people and he will look bad???"" and"when we got home from a meal with my parents (where he acted totally normal)" and I know his friends and family think I'm a nutter. They think I'm controlling as well because whenever he doesn't want to see them he says it's my fault ".

It says to me that he absolutely knows what he is doing. He actively hides his behaviour in front of others, presenting them with a false facade. He wants his parents to think you're a nutter so that they'll back him over you. He wants your parents to think he's normal, presumably because he thinks your parents would do a 'but he's so nice!' routine when you tell them you're ditching him - another version of they'll back him over you. And he wants to look like The Good Guy to the world in general.

He knows what he's doing. He knows it's wrong, which is why he hides it from everyone else.

You need to get out ASAP. I'm with @HollowTalk - "Because quite frankly I would wait until he's gone to work and then move out."

MajesticWhine · 18/07/2021 23:01

OP it's great that you have found out this truth about your DP. Instead of worrying that you've been a fool, be proud of yourself that you have rumbled him and that you know you deserve better. Stay strong and get him out of your life.

penni00 · 18/07/2021 23:05

Just wondering whether you might need professional advice on how to handle the leaving him, not sure where from??? It is just that with his behaviour, the leaving him is going to need to be handled very carefully. You know him well though, so you probably can work out the best method, but think before you act so it all goes as smoothly as possible.

SixesAndEights · 18/07/2021 23:05

When are you moving out OP?

I spent the last couple of years of my marriage in the bedroom because whenever I went into the living room he'd take his earbuds out and give a big sigh. I was on eggshells all the time. And it'd been going on so long and happened so gradually I thought it was me and he encouraged that.

Run and run soon.

Original poster
junglebook123 · 18/07/2021 23:13

Well, one thing I possibly have done right is that I handed in our notice on our tenancy a while ago. I was gonna stay with my parents and him with his - If I'm honest, I told him it was so that we could move in easily to a new house and save a bit of money. Truthfully, it was to give me chance to figure out what was going on before I signed any paperwork. So thankfully our tenancy is up very soon so the timing is perfect for me - dreadful for him. He will hate not having anything over me I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
junglebook123 · 18/07/2021 23:15

@SixesAndEights so sorry that happened to you. Well done for leaving and realising, it's bloody hard!!

How did he take it when you said you were leaving?

I feel like I've been completely ignored! So weird. It'll be a drama tomorrow when he realises im gone.

OP posts:
SixesAndEights · 18/07/2021 23:15

Well done, OP, smart move!

Clymene · 18/07/2021 23:21

Oh I'm so pleased you are getting away. He's doing a combination of boiled frog and gaslighting on you so it's not surprising you didn't notice it happening.

I'm guessing also if you grew up in a happy secure home, this kind of behaviour is so beyond the realms of possibility, it seems unfathomable. As a previous poster said - its sociopathic behaviour.

Most of us are (thankfully) not that good at spotting it because we don't come across it that often.

Justilou1 · 18/07/2021 23:34

You know what @junglebook123… as awful as this was, you have done something wonderful… You have removed a cocklodger from your life before you were legally tied to the bastard.

Rainbowshit · 18/07/2021 23:36

You can do so much better than him.

bluebell34567 · 18/07/2021 23:43

what a stupid, stupid man. how cheap he is.

Puditt · 18/07/2021 23:49

Maybe I've missed something here but why haven't you clean cut the guy off yet op and tell him outright its over? If you are waiting for him to do it you know he wont. He has made it clear he will happily continuing this life draining charade to use you up dry for the sake of a mortgage. Time to put your big girl pants on and put an end to this.