Partner just admitted he doesn't want to be with me

[junglebook123]

Myself and my partner have been together 4 years, finally saved up enough for a deposit for a house (we've been renting for 3). Last year has been tough (as it has for everyone) and I've felt a bit unhappy. He is so up and down. One minute he's telling me how much he loves me and wants us to be together and how great the future will be etc. And the next I literally can't get a word out of him.

I've been addressing this for the entire year, asking him if I've done something wrong, does he not love me anymore, telling him that it's affecting my life and making me not want to commit to a mortgage if he's not going to speak to me (obviously!). He tells me I'm crazy.

When we're out he will be totally normal with me and speak to me but as soon as we get home, nothing. Every time I speak to him I can see I'm annoying him, simple things like "how was work" can make him roll his eyes! Trouble is, because of how crazy he makes me feel, I kept wondering am I crazy should I just keep trying see if he comes back to me?!

Anyway, I've told him I'm not going to continue looking for a home with him whilst things are how they are and actually that I think we either need a break - or even just a conversation about what's going on but with him refusing to communicate that's off the cards!! - and he's totally ignored me.

He will sit in a different room in the house and message me houses and tell me to put an offer in, he's been going to viewings etc.

Anyway, today when we got home from a meal with my parents (where he acted totally normal) we came home and I waited to see if he'd speak to me and he didn't, so I asked what his problem was and he told me I was deluded and there's no problem etc.

Then after I didn't drop it (much to his annoyance and lots of eye rolling!) he told me "I just want to get a mortgage for the future and neither of us can get one on our own".

Now I realise if you've stuck to this point you probably think I'm completely naive and dense, but I can't explain how much he's made me feel like a loonatic for thinking something was wrong. As if I really was making it all up and I'd lost it - and now this.

So he genuinely thinks we're gonna get a mortgage and continue living like this - he's no intention of us splitting he just wants us to commit to this and essentially not speak?

I don't really have a question to be honest I'm just a bit blown away by how far/long he's gone with this and cross that he's constantly being saying I'm crazy and I need help for questioning him.

I'm not upset, I've cried a lot over the last year about it so I think I've got nothing left - and I think I already knew we'd not move forward together because of how miserable it had become so I'm genuinely just angry.

If anything I suppose I should be happy he's finally been honest and now we can shut the door... but for now I think I'm just gonna be cross for the time wasting and "you need help" comments!

(Most boring thread ever, apologies I needed to vent).

@Justilou1

You know what *@junglebook123*… as awful as this was, you have done something wonderful… You have removed a cocklodger from your life before you were legally tied to the bastard.

Hear! Hear! And such a smart move to have given notice on your tenancy some time ago so you're pretty much ready to move out! Just ensure you move out safely. Have someone burly/a couple of large friends with cars with you when you are packing to leave. Move any important documents or small valuable items now so they're safe at your parents/friends whilst you pack everything else you need to move with. Good luck OP. 🌹

It would be easier for you to move to your parents first then look for somewhere new. If he knows you are staying I think it will make things even more difficult.

He can only have a hold over you if you continue to allow it. There are no children, you are not married, it is an easy way out, the only thing having a hold on you is yourself.

@PicsInRed

I can hear him watching videos laughing downstairs - sorry but what kind of person admits he's been using another person and then laughs???

A psycopath? No seriously, a psycopath.

Also, the majority of savings are mine. Which admittedly, makes me feel a bit stupid

Only if you stay with him and go through with it.

Come on girlfriend!!

Can you work out from the savings deposits, which ones you put in?? Then make a list and get your money moved to a new account. Tout suite.

Then tell him you have done this WHEN YOU HAVE DONE IT!!
Call your landlord and give them notice.
Find a new place to live. Please.

Pure gaslighting. Please end it now or you could end up wasting more years of your life. And that's what it will be wasting years of your precious life. In relationships like this one day you wake up old and with your best years miserable memories behind you. End it. Gaslighting twat.
I spent from age 24 to 42 with that and those best years are lost on mood swings and dictated life by an ars***. Please end it and good luck.
Remember it is FREEDOM DAY.

Definitely end it and stay strong, he sounds like a complete narcissist and you deserve better.

I put up with similar behaviour for 9 years, i wish I left sooner and feel I wasted years of my life, It completely took away all my self esteem and it's taken me a long time to get some of it back.

Good for you for realising now. I wouldn't re-rent the same house as it may give ammunition to any version he may spin that you just used him or manipulated him out.
Move to your parents as planned, then look for a fresh new place with no memories.
The future will be brighter 💐

At the start of this thread I was worried for you, OP, now I am excited for you. You are getting rid of him, you have seen the light and life is going to be better. Much better.

@junglebook123

I am debating asking the landlord of this house if I can sign a new contract on my own when this one ends. We've got a great relationship, never had any issues and been here 3 years. She was gutted when I told her we were leaving.

Do you think she'd go for it or has that ship sailed?

No, do not do this! I can almost guarantee how it would go, he will either be nice for a few days before moving and you end up letting him stay anyway or he will be awkward and refuse to leave. You said the timing was perfect for you before, it was, don’t blow it.

I really feel for you OP
Fwiw I think he probably thought that it could carry on like that and didn’t see the problem in not talking, showing annoyance at you.
I bet he would’ve been happy to just plod along doing that with a mortgage etc.

Reminds me a little of my husband, doesn’t feel the need to chat or ask me how my day was, wouldn’t notice/care if I didn’t enquire about his and would probably prefer it!
But then still expected sex 🤔

Do you think she'd go for it or has that ship sailed?

Make a clean break OP. Get important stuff out now.

How long is it till your tenancy ends?

If longer than 2/3 weeks I'd be inclined to take a day off and move out when he's at work and suck up paying the rent for a month or two.

Brilliant for making the hard decision to get out and start a new life. Given that an abusive relationship is about an unequal split of power and control, I'd guess that this guy is feeling a bit diminished because you are holding the bigger investment, so to redress the balance he is doing whatever he needs to do to feel superior. In this case it is to treat you like you are beneath him. Eye rolling, not giving you the time to speak to you at all, let alone with courtesy. I would guess that your confusion stems from the fact that you are approaching him as being in a partnership of equals so you can't understand why he isn't meeting you on these terms. But to an abuser, it's never about equals. Someone has to be superior and someone has to be inferior. And if he feels you are in the superior position, where does that leave him?

I imagine that were you to buy a house with him, he'd first of all need an equal split, and then he'd work to somehow get a greater share. And then he'd carry on treating you as beneath contempt because you have less than him.

When he realises he hasn't ground you down enough for you to accept all this, he'll try a charm offensive. It won't last long though. He'll then be vicious. His investment is walking away. Good on you for ringfencing your assets and getting out of his way while he self-combusts.

There's something about your situation that reminds me of one I was in.

At the end of the day, you need to sit yourself down and ask yourself 'Does my partner behave like someone who is interested in me as a person, who is affectionate and loving?'.

If the answer's 'no' then there's clearly a major mismatch somewhere and it's clearly not going to work for you longterm. Focus on that.

What could be happening here is that he has a grievance with you and he's sulking with you, or he's sulking with you as a form of fucked-up attention seeking. He wants you to flutter around him, fawn on him, asking him if he's ok, if you've done anything wrong. It can make you seriously doubt yourself when someone is acting one way and saying the opposite. You either think you're misinterpreting someone else constantly or you start to examine every little thing you do in case you are the one who is upsetting the other person.

From what I've read, maybe the beginning of your relationship was nice but he might just want A Wife. He wants you for social status, to buy a house with (convenient that you hold most of the savings), he wants you in the background as a security blanket, but he's not really bothered with you as an individual anymore.

If you are constantly wondering 'What's the point of me being here?' or 'Why does he even need a girlfriend because he's just ignoring me all the time when I'm at home'? or 'I feel like a part of the furniture' or 'I feel invisible' then you need to listen to that.

The way he is outside the house compared to inside and the way he's changed almost reminds me of autistic masking. You will find plenty of women on here who say that their partners were wonderful, attentive, funny, social, but there came a point that for some reason the mask slipped. Usually it's following marriage or babies. Then they feel like they're living with a different person, whikst their partner just doesn't understand or care what the big fuss is about.

Also, if you buy a house with him, get married, or have children with this kind of person, I can guarantee they will be even worse.

@junglebook123

I am debating asking the landlord of this house if I can sign a new contract on my own when this one ends. We've got a great relationship, never had any issues and been here 3 years. She was gutted when I told her we were leaving.

Do you think she'd go for it or has that ship sailed?

Honestly while I can see the appeal of this, I really wouldn't. You have an opportunity here to have a clean break and I think you should seize it.

He will not play nicely if you try and kick him out of the house.

Agree with PP – do NOT renew the lease for the house you're already in, because you just know he's going to make it difficult about moving out. If he can't prise himself off the sofa to talk to you, he's not going to be motivated to pack boxes etc. Best stay with your parents for a bit while you plot a fresh start.

One minute you are saying he has been ignoring you for a crazy amount of time the next you say he has good aspects in your relationship.

I'm sorry op but you started this thread because you couldnt hack it anymore and you know its toxic and wrong.

You say for the past year you have accepted this relationship is dead end. So if that's the case I dont really see what you are holding onto here?

Dont subject yourself to a lifetime of silence and allow a guy to use you financially just so you "dont have to be alone". This is where standards need to come into play.

Don't do it. I committed myself to someone that did not love me and it's been awful.
I am in the process of separating him.
He still thinks I shouldn't because of the kids, but I need to have a life.
There is so much more out there than mortgages and financial stability.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

One day, you'll meet a man who adores you, and wants to make a home with you. this one's behaviour would have got a lot worse towards you once he had his house :(

This

Sorry I didn't read through, and just saw that you are moving out.
Well done, get your life where you want and take charge.

This EXACT thing happened to me! Honestly, the exact same thing. Relationship going badly, barely speaking, constant bickering when we did speak, and he wanted to buy a house together. I found it so odd that he seemingly wanted to do that with someone he didn't even seem to like being around. I asked him and he told me he did want to be with me. I even asked him if it was just about money for him, because I was looking for a long-term serious commitment, kids, etc. He assured me he wanted that too. I went along with it for a while, went to viewings etc. and then during a fight he tells me he doesn't want to be with me and I was driving him insane, and he just thought it would be a good option to buy a property since we'd be able to get a better place than individually!

It was absolutely mad that he had gaslighted me for so long and that he honestly thought living in a house with a relationship that's barely working and has no future was feasible but it goes to show how messed up in the head some people are. Like all the comments saying 'he wouldn't be buying a house with you if he wasn't serious about a future', that's what I thought! Despite the bickering and whatever, I assumed he must still see a long-term future with me to be taking a step as big as buying a house together. This is logical, isn't it? This is what everyone would think. But no! I was supposed to understand that it was 'just' about the house. I was made to feel like the nutcase for getting it wrong, even though I'd literally asked him multiple times about what his feelings were.

I'd love to know if this is some sort of mental disorder. It has to be, surely?

Why don't you leave him be. Stop going on and having serious talks. See what he does.

Unless you don't want to. In which case don't.

It is @Rozziie. It's sociopathic behaviour. To be able to literally lie to someone else's face and feel no temporary or conscience because it gets you what you want to achieve.

Absolutely bizarre that he thought you'd still be buying somewhere together.

Are you planning to leave today?

How much in savings does he have?

It does sound like he was using you as a housekeeper and to get a mortgage. Thank god you realised early enough!

I know you may love your current house op, but he sounds so immature and chaotic (and passive aggressive) that I could easily imagine him forcing the landlord to evict him. Which currently takes 6 months. You do NOT want that shit! Plus mentally it will be better for you in a new place.

Never underestimate the deviousness of the cocklodger. I split up with my ex because he met someone else. OK fine. Except he'd borrowed 5k off me to buy a car about 2 months before. And while I was working away and sorting myself a new place, he went into my emails (on my PC - we each had our own) and deleted every mail pertaining to that loan. I would have sworn "no he'd never do that!"

Change your banking passwords ASAP. Doesn't matter if you think he's never had access. Just do it, it's free.