Partner just admitted he doesn't want to be with me

[junglebook123]

Myself and my partner have been together 4 years, finally saved up enough for a deposit for a house (we've been renting for 3). Last year has been tough (as it has for everyone) and I've felt a bit unhappy. He is so up and down. One minute he's telling me how much he loves me and wants us to be together and how great the future will be etc. And the next I literally can't get a word out of him.

I've been addressing this for the entire year, asking him if I've done something wrong, does he not love me anymore, telling him that it's affecting my life and making me not want to commit to a mortgage if he's not going to speak to me (obviously!). He tells me I'm crazy.

When we're out he will be totally normal with me and speak to me but as soon as we get home, nothing. Every time I speak to him I can see I'm annoying him, simple things like "how was work" can make him roll his eyes! Trouble is, because of how crazy he makes me feel, I kept wondering am I crazy should I just keep trying see if he comes back to me?!

Anyway, I've told him I'm not going to continue looking for a home with him whilst things are how they are and actually that I think we either need a break - or even just a conversation about what's going on but with him refusing to communicate that's off the cards!! - and he's totally ignored me.

He will sit in a different room in the house and message me houses and tell me to put an offer in, he's been going to viewings etc.

Anyway, today when we got home from a meal with my parents (where he acted totally normal) we came home and I waited to see if he'd speak to me and he didn't, so I asked what his problem was and he told me I was deluded and there's no problem etc.

Then after I didn't drop it (much to his annoyance and lots of eye rolling!) he told me "I just want to get a mortgage for the future and neither of us can get one on our own".

Now I realise if you've stuck to this point you probably think I'm completely naive and dense, but I can't explain how much he's made me feel like a loonatic for thinking something was wrong. As if I really was making it all up and I'd lost it - and now this.

So he genuinely thinks we're gonna get a mortgage and continue living like this - he's no intention of us splitting he just wants us to commit to this and essentially not speak?

I don't really have a question to be honest I'm just a bit blown away by how far/long he's gone with this and cross that he's constantly being saying I'm crazy and I need help for questioning him.

I'm not upset, I've cried a lot over the last year about it so I think I've got nothing left - and I think I already knew we'd not move forward together because of how miserable it had become so I'm genuinely just angry.

If anything I suppose I should be happy he's finally been honest and now we can shut the door... but for now I think I'm just gonna be cross for the time wasting and "you need help" comments!

(Most boring thread ever, apologies I needed to vent).

Wild how many people can't understand or fathom how the parents are taking the partner's side. I imagine one of the reasons OP stayed so long in this dreadful relationship is that she was brought up with her parents not listening to her wishes and gaslighting her, and believing others over her. Most people in these bad relationships where they are treated with contempt have grown up in a situation where they were not respected by parents.

@junglebook123

He's really upping the ante isn't he ?

He's trying to cut you off from family support ! He's trying to keep you 'isolated' from the people who love you, by telling them a crock of LIES e.g ''She won't listen to me when I tell her I love her . I just want us to be happy together '' etc etc

You know you are doing the right thing.

You need to leave today. Stay with a friend, stay in a hotel, stay anyfuckingwhere except with him.

Give yourself some time to be able to think and to arrange to see your parents, alone.

You need to speak to your parents alone, and before you begin talking to them, ask them to read this whole thread. (and any other threads you may have written about your 'relationship' and the problems you've had.)

When they finish, you can calmly explain exactly what your 'relationship' has been like for over a year, and tell them that the relationship is OVER. Ask them to respect your wishes and to have no further contact with him.

I'm quite sure that when your parents have all the information about what he's been like, they won't be happy with him.

If, for whatever reason, your parents still 'encourage' you to 'talk to him', I'd just keep telling them ''YES, I'm SURE it's OVER''.

You know your parents much better than he ever could, so use what language/explanations they will listen to and understand.

Do NOT allow him to stop you getting family support by staying away from them.

Do NOT commit to buying a house /getting a joint mortgage; that would be a huge mistake.

Woprst case scenario now, is that you split the savings and move out.
I don't think that relationship is salvageable so just bite the bullet and make a fresh start without him.

@junglebook123

Things not good today. He's completely ignored me and gone to my parents telling them I've all of a sudden decided it's over and now they're convinced I'm being unreasonable and unkind.

I've tried to explain but not having much luck.

I'd planned to go and stay there today and now I don't even want to.

My dad has even mentioned giving him some money to get a deposit ready to rent somewhere else!!

I'm just sat here having a little cry to be honest. Will speak to parents in person and I'm sure they'll understand eventually, but I feel extremely betrayed that he's done this. I've been nothing but clear about how I feel for a long time, this isn't out of the blue and it's also largely because he admitted he's not into it himself!!

If it wasn't for this thread I'd honestly think I'd lost my marbles 😓

So not intent with gas-lighting you, he's now gas-lighting your parents.

Send them this thread. It won't be nice reading for them, seeing what their daughter has had to put up with, but at least it'll make them see sense.

At parents house now, he hadn't told them full story AT ALL. They're just very confused, finding it hard to believe because of how he seems when he's in their company (quiet, polite) but I think they get it.

I'm not sure why my dad offered to help him with money he's definitely got enough to get a new place but my dad is a bit of an empath and sometimes goes over the top helping people even when they don't deserve it. That offer is off the table now.

I haven't heard from him apart from a message this afternoon telling me he thinks I need serious help.

Had a really big cry telling my partner about it all, and although I've got a really bad headache, I actually feel a lot better.

He's told my dad he's moving out of our house tonight, I don't believe that for a second.

I'm glad to hear your out! Have you taken a lot of your things? When does the tenancy end? You don't need help HE needs help.

OP.

My ex husband tried a similar carry on.

To this day, my mam receives letters from his sister asking if ‘I’m well yet.’
Almost 30 bloody years on.
I was tarred with the mentally ill brush when I left him.

I left him because he came within a gnat’s hair of killing me. Seriously. I was mentally ill because I left him after he’d beaten me to a bloody pulp.

It is a common thing to blame the very fact you left on you. Nothing at all to do with his behaviour of course…

@junglebook123

I'm so happy you've got your parents helping you now, and that he's been unsuccessful in keeping you away from your support base !

I'm also doubtful about his claims of 'moving out tonight' , because that sounds like yet another attempt at either making you fearful that you've done something you 'can't take back' (i.e make you scared that 'you've gone too far' ) or at getting your parents to try to get you to 'talk to him' before it's 'too late'

Bloody manipulative shit, isn't he ! .

You just stay with your parents so you've got support (also stops him being able to feed them shit about why you've split), and make sure they know that you do NOT want to see/hear/communicate with him AT ALL.

Because next, he'll try to get his family/friends to become 'flying monkeys' to try to influence you ! He'll also probably try to get you to communicate with him through any social media etc, so make sure you block him on everything.

Take all the time you need to get yourself stronger.

I can't understand why he's done this to me, it's really really cruel and I know I'm bound to say it but I genuinely don't think I've done anything to deserve it.

I've put up with so much and supported him through so many of his problems. I know I'm well rid but it is hard to accept being treated like this. It's as if he thinks I don't exist if that makes sense, like I have no feelings or emotions, or even any purpose on earth other than to pander to him.

He definitely won't move out tonight. If he wanted shot of me he could have just left ages ago, I'm realising now that this is definitely all one big game to him. I know I should be stronger but it makes me so sad knowing I've just been used.

It's as if he thinks I don't exist if that makes sense, like I have no feelings or emotions, or even any purpose on earth other than to pander to him.

This is EXACTLY the case. You were a means to an end. I'd be very wary of him now, OP. He's cornered and could be a danger.

Try not to spend too much time analysing, you'll be spun around in circles and you will for the most part get no-where. So glad you have spoken to your parents, will you be staying there tonight? If I were you I would seriously consider it. Also avoid any contact with your OH, get your parents to act for you at the moment as you are naturally in a sensitive position right now.

what s RAT ...

glad you've cleared things up with your Parents...

stay positive OP.. THIS is who you have been living with... the mask has slipped 🌸

He really is a piece of work, isn’t he!

Don’t look back. It really is him - not you!

Would you want to stay in the same house if he leaves?
Would it be viable to stay with your parents and continue saving to eventually buy your own place?

Definitely going to stay here. I also am planing on telling him to go through my dad for contact considering he was so keen to involve him.

I came close to leaving about 5 months ago, I told him I was going he said he didn't care, as I started making movements he begged me to stay and do counselling. I agreed as him being so upset surely meant he loved me and hopefully the counselling would help work out what happened .... did we ever go to counselling? Nope. I tried to book it and there was always an issue and eventually he said he never agreed to it in the first place. - I know. I know. I've let this go on too long.

I'm mentioning that though so that if it happens again you can all hold me to account and tell me not to believe any of the tripe no matter how upset he may be.

Thank you all by the way. I haven't told any of my real life friends yet, although I think they'll be very happy.

Well done op. What a lucky escape.

Post on here whenever you need too.

He thinks you are stupid and you are not. Whatever he says now ignore it.

He can find another mug to house share.

His behaviour is scary, so glad you're out. I'd have as little interaction as possible, let the lease end and take some time to recover at your parents. Be mindful that he may get nasty as he realises you're not going back, stay strong, you're away from the headfuck, well done!

he thinks I need serious help.

Well you've got it, on mumsnet

jungle have you got anything irreplaceable left there or anything that is really important legally?

You need to get it out ASAP, preferably taking a big male friend with you (not your dad)

You've had a narrow escape, lovely.

2 more girlfriends down the line and he will be much better at spinning them the lines until he's got them actually investing with him, then he will make their lives a misery and if / when they leave, he'll get out with more money than he went in.

I know you're sad for what might have been, what you hoped would be, but you've just saved your own skin here.

Apologies if this has already been said but can he access your money?

"You won't do as I say even though I act like a shit to you mist of the time, and I've told you I need your money to get on the housing ladder. You're refusing to have convenient amnesia about it ..... you clearly need help".

Sure.

You have to pity whoever he ends up with.

Be mindful that he may get nasty as he realises you're not going back,

This is my concern. Can you block him on all formats except email? Leaves a 'paper trail' and you can read them when YOU want to.

It's as if he thinks I don't exist if that makes sense, like I have no feelings or emotions, or even any purpose on earth other than to pander to him.

He sounds like he got some personality disorder, he'll not have a real connection with anyone.