Was I selfish and mean?

[Jasmeen]

I have a lovely DP who I have been with for 5 years, not married and no kids. He is a very sweet personality, calm and gentle and always there to listen and support me. Compared.to some of the men o read about on here hes an absolute gem. He does all the cleaning laundry and DIY, while I do the cooking and "life admin".

Things have been a little tricky between us lately. I had to turn down a job opportunity I was offered somewhere pretty exciting because he wanted to stay in the same place he has always lived. Then came what I will call Housegate.

Basically I earn a lot more than him because I work in a specialist area and work long hours while he chooses to only work 20 hours a week. What we contribute to the household reflects the difference.
A year ago I said I wanted to buy a house. Not only is his income low but he also has a shocking credit rating and debt. Did he decide to sort that out? Did he fuck. So I told him that I couldn't wait for him anymore: he is 40 and I am 36, I want to get moving with this. I told him I was going to buy a house alone. All good.

So a year later and i get pre approved and i go to view some houses. I take him with me to see them because he will be living there too and i want him to live somewhere he likes and feels comfortable. We find a house we both love. I make an offer. The offer is accepted. I'm excited. LITERALLY five minutes after, he drops a bomb on me: he wants to own 20% of the house and he will give me some deposit money in exchange. I tell him i dont need any deposit money, i have my own. He gets frustrated and tells me "this doesnt feel like a partnership".

I'm hurt and i pull out of my offer and knock the house idea on the head as I begin to question even staying with him and in this area.
A week later I see his sister and mother who tell me I have been selfish and "a relationship is about sharing together".

Im just fed up now. I feel like he is lovely, absolutely love, but like a weight. I feel so bad saying this but...
Cant take a job opportunity because he wont move
Cant buy a house because he womt help me buy one but wants in anyway
Latest bombshell is he has decided he refuses to get the vaccine. I said "so you realise potentially this could mean we never get to travel anywhere new together, right?" he said yep. I said "imagine a future where you HAD to get the vaccine to go to the pub or restaurant together. It would be crap for us. Would you still not get it for our relationship?" and he said "sorry, no".

I feel like we never go anywhere or do anything anyway unless I push him. I'm just fed up. But is it stupid to break up with someone I love, someone who is so kind, when I'm 36? And was it selfish of me to not have given him a percentage of the house? I'm so confused about what I should do. I'm fed up and frustrated and bored and I also love him. Please help.me see clearly MN

You feel heavy because of the resentment you’ve been squashing down. Because of the dreams you’re abandoning because of him. Because him and his family who all have a vested interest in excusing him and making out like you’re at fault too are trying to do a number on you.

Your last post is very telling - what absolute bullshit, he’s offering the opposite of stability with his lacklustre work ethic and crippling debt, but he’s trying to turn it so what is actually a very wise and stable choice (not to tie yourself to him in that house) is somehow fear of instability. It IS manipulative - and manipulative peope aren’t always sociopathic abusers you know, often they are nice talking affable sorts.

These are the reasons you feel heavy and old because the weight of this bullshit and giving in to his demands in a way that negativity impacts you (like paying more rent for his wants) and the associated suppressed anger is TIRING.

Get him out of your life and your energy and passion for life will return.

Oh yes it’s very clear he is manipulative.

Please dump him and move on with living. You will feel so much better

You right OP, he's lovely... Till he's not.
Your MIL is right too, its about sharing... But who is sharing the burden with you, the planning a future burden, the securing a place to live and what it costs burden... Noone, your on your own, your partner's like a kid, and you re loking after him.

OP, you feel old and tired because you're not listening to your gut. You are living the life someone else wants you to live, not the life you want. You've lost your vitality because you've shut out your own wants and desires and you've not been feeding your soul.

Have you ever had any therapy OP? I only ask because you mentioned a few behaviours of his which you've tolerated (like the silent treatment) which would be classed as controlling and / or abusive, and you describe your own behaviour as quite people pleasing. It's quite common for adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional parents to bend over backwards for others and shut out their own needs. I speak from experience. In my own case I always believed I didn't want kids but it turned out that was just something I'd told myself to protect myself. That may not apply to you of course. But you're definitely NOT putting yourself first at the moment. It might be worth booking a few sessions out of interest?

In the meantime - YES to the new exciting job in an exciting location! YES to the new house in a new city, new hair, new outlook! It will revitalise you! You deserve it! Good luck xx

@Jasmeen

I think he had been quite manipulative come to think of it. A week or so after Housegate we had a bust up and he basically told me I had baggage from my childhood that meant I couldn't be happy with stability (my biological dad was an absent father and an addict and my life with my mother was warm but a little hectic), an argument that ended with me crying and for some really fucked up reason apologising. He basically presented it like he was offering me a calm stable life and I was some kind of total basketcase. He said no matter where I went or what man I was with I wouldnt be happy because I feared stability

This is awful on so many levels that I don't even know where to start.

If you have "worked like a dog for a year" , actually you are allowed to be a bit selfish

The only person who is going to look after you, is you
You need to go into self preservation mode

My sister made a point i hadnt thought of last night, she said asking for 20% bothered her more than if he had simply said let's go halves. Like it itsnt a 50/50 partnership hes after but a cut.

your sister is very perceptive.

the more you post the less nice he sounds.

The positive here is that you haven't bought a house. I know that you're disappointed about that but it would have tied you to your current location, with him and his family potentially kicking up a fuss because you've dumped him. That means that you can move to anywhere that you want to, so have a look for another wonderful job, preferably out of the current area.

I've seen a few threads on MN recently where women seem to interprer their partners' passivity, laziness and emotional weakness as loveliness and kindness. It's easy for these men to say nice things and do low-effort helpful tasks when asked to. It's certainly worth his while to offer these crumbs while you work your fingers to the bone, fund his lifestyle and potentially effectively buy him a house! And it soynds like he's convinced you you're 'difficult' in order to make you feel like he's doing you a favour by being with you.

🚨🚨🚨COCKLODGER ALERT🚨🚨🚨

@thenewduchessofhastings

🚨🚨🚨COCKLODGER ALERT🚨🚨🚨

with Bedlam bells on ..

I do hope OP is reading all this and seeing this con man for what he is... and LEAVES him...

In fairness to him he wanted to pay 20% of the deposit and then half the mortgage payments

And was he planning to up his work hours to afford this? Because I doubt it, and it's more likely he'd have expected you to go right on paying the housing costs "because you own most of it", with any small contribution from him somehow never appearing

Sinister, too, that his family are so keen to keep this show on the road; either they're glad you're bailing him out instead of them, or they fancy a slice (and who knows if they've already had one with the money he drained from your account? )

He sounds even worse from your latest post. You are worth better than this. Please do yourself the kindness of freeing yourself from him and his family

Your stability was the perfect job and house
He stepped right in and fucked them both up for you

Get him gone op

It doesn't sound like you view this relationship as long term.
To be fair, when I met my husband I didn't earn much and much of my salary went to support my mum who'd been left high and dry by my father. At that time, she was only entitled to about £15 a week which covered nothing.

Over thirty years later, our lives are very different.
Still have my mum but she's self sufficient. I still don't earn much and my husband earns so much more . We are 50/50 in terms of entitlement to the house but judging by this thread I should have been cast out.

Only you can decide what to do.
How do you see your relationship, long term wise ?

@DroopyClematis

It doesn't sound like you view this relationship as long term. To be fair, when I met my husband I didn't earn much and much of my salary went to support my mum who'd been left high and dry by my father. At that time, she was only entitled to about £15 a week which covered nothing.

Over thirty years later, our lives are very different.
Still have my mum but she's self sufficient. I still don't earn much and my husband earns so much more . We are 50/50 in terms of entitlement to the house but judging by this thread I should have been cast out.

Only you can decide what to do.
How do you see your relationship, long term wise ?

That's a crazy level of projection, you're too emotionally involved in the thread :D

@DroopyClematis

It doesn't sound like you view this relationship as long term. To be fair, when I met my husband I didn't earn much and much of my salary went to support my mum who'd been left high and dry by my father. At that time, she was only entitled to about £15 a week which covered nothing.

Over thirty years later, our lives are very different.
Still have my mum but she's self sufficient. I still don't earn much and my husband earns so much more . We are 50/50 in terms of entitlement to the house but judging by this thread I should have been cast out.

Only you can decide what to do.
How do you see your relationship, long term wise ?

Have you read all of the OP's posts? Your reply suggests not.

I agree with all the pp, get him gone.

You deserve the job you want, the house you want and the life you want to live. Your partner should be your biggest cheerleader, not the one holding you back

“ On the other hand though if ever I want to raise a problem he will shut down and not talk to me for two or three days so i can never really vocalise much it feels like.”

Run run run for the hills! This is why you feel ancient and heavy. He’s lazy, selfish, useless with money, is making you live somewhere you don’t like AND he forces you to smother your true feelings to keep the peace. You will never be truly happy with him. Well done for realising this in time.

This sounds like what someone would say if they were sensing their ride on the gravy train was about to end.

Yep!

Seriously op move on from this loser

@Graphista

This sounds like what someone would say if they were sensing their ride on the gravy train was about to end.

Yep!

Seriously op move on from this loser

very true

Ugh. Why are you still with him? You're burning' daylight!!!!!

Fearing stability?
Don't make me laugh!
That's like saying you fear having a comfy bed and food in the fridge!
He's not able to GIVE you any stability, more like it.
You know what to do.

Get out op!!