Was I selfish and mean?

[Jasmeen]

I have a lovely DP who I have been with for 5 years, not married and no kids. He is a very sweet personality, calm and gentle and always there to listen and support me. Compared.to some of the men o read about on here hes an absolute gem. He does all the cleaning laundry and DIY, while I do the cooking and "life admin".

Things have been a little tricky between us lately. I had to turn down a job opportunity I was offered somewhere pretty exciting because he wanted to stay in the same place he has always lived. Then came what I will call Housegate.

Basically I earn a lot more than him because I work in a specialist area and work long hours while he chooses to only work 20 hours a week. What we contribute to the household reflects the difference.
A year ago I said I wanted to buy a house. Not only is his income low but he also has a shocking credit rating and debt. Did he decide to sort that out? Did he fuck. So I told him that I couldn't wait for him anymore: he is 40 and I am 36, I want to get moving with this. I told him I was going to buy a house alone. All good.

So a year later and i get pre approved and i go to view some houses. I take him with me to see them because he will be living there too and i want him to live somewhere he likes and feels comfortable. We find a house we both love. I make an offer. The offer is accepted. I'm excited. LITERALLY five minutes after, he drops a bomb on me: he wants to own 20% of the house and he will give me some deposit money in exchange. I tell him i dont need any deposit money, i have my own. He gets frustrated and tells me "this doesnt feel like a partnership".

I'm hurt and i pull out of my offer and knock the house idea on the head as I begin to question even staying with him and in this area.
A week later I see his sister and mother who tell me I have been selfish and "a relationship is about sharing together".

Im just fed up now. I feel like he is lovely, absolutely love, but like a weight. I feel so bad saying this but...
Cant take a job opportunity because he wont move
Cant buy a house because he womt help me buy one but wants in anyway
Latest bombshell is he has decided he refuses to get the vaccine. I said "so you realise potentially this could mean we never get to travel anywhere new together, right?" he said yep. I said "imagine a future where you HAD to get the vaccine to go to the pub or restaurant together. It would be crap for us. Would you still not get it for our relationship?" and he said "sorry, no".

I feel like we never go anywhere or do anything anyway unless I push him. I'm just fed up. But is it stupid to break up with someone I love, someone who is so kind, when I'm 36? And was it selfish of me to not have given him a percentage of the house? I'm so confused about what I should do. I'm fed up and frustrated and bored and I also love him. Please help.me see clearly MN

Two Threads today ... same theme

Darned Lucky Escapes 🎉

I just wanted to come on to say you sound so smart, savvy and motivated, and he sounds like a lacklustre dead weight, who’s been using you to propel his own life forward without any effort on his part.

I’m glad you’re listening to your gut (and MN), it’s giving you sound advice.

Move to your new area, with your new hair and get yourself in the property ladder. I’m excited for you.

Let me guess - he also smokes a lot of weed.

He's right, it isn't a partnership as he isn't pulling his weight and is clearly happy to ride on your coat tails. He also sounds quite manipulative.

If he is in debt you'd be crazy to include him in any house purchase. Creditors will end up charging his share of any equity, or if the worst happened and he was declared bankrupt you'd potentially end up having to purchase his share of the equity from his trustee in bankruptcy.

If he genuinely has funds he should focus on paying off his debt.

As a side issue, my sister had one of these. She gave him a % share of the house. He never really paid anything as she funded him. He never got better, if anything he got steadily worse once he felt more secure.

I would ass that Re him "giving you" stability. Please, but for you his life would be unstable. You've given, and continue to give him financial stability! He sounds entitled. No wonder you feel dragged down.

How is he kind? Doing stuff around the house? That’s a baseline expectation. He’d have to do stuff at home, like clean, even if you weren’t together. He works 20 hours a week and has been crap at managing his own finances when he’s only had himself to look after for all these years! And now he’s putting constraints on you?! He sounds like a real catch. Get rid and get your life back ASAP.

You are not selfish ! Go buy that house and be damn proud that you don’t need a man to help you .

He does sound like a weed smoker. As a PP said.

OP I left someone because of very similar reasons, down to money arguments, the not wanting to move, the holding me back from life feeling. The feeling of being held back is awful. Then I met someone new within 6 months who then quit his job and moved literally across the world to support my career.

Your DP is holding you back in more than one way. It's time to call it quits because it will get worse. He's so manipulative, it's unbelievable.

But it's actually also more simple than that- you don't have the same values and goals and that's enough of a reason to split. Life is too short to please someone else's wishes to your own detriment.

A decent credit rating is stability. He couldn’t be bothered. Which is not a partnership. Everything is about him.

If he pays half the mortgage wouldn’t he able to claim half the house not 20%? He seems sly.

@tallduckandhandsome

If he pays half the mortgage wouldn’t he able to claim half the house not 20%? He seems sly.

Not sure it's that clear cut when you're not married.

Run, don't walk.

You cannot seriously believe you were selfish and mean... please say you didn't..

You're sharp and saw right through all of them.. you just needed confirmation you weren't going mad... You weren't 🎉

He's not lovely, he's bloody lazy and a selfish oaf into the bargain. Trade up, OP, before you're stuck with him for life. He would definitely demand every possible financial benefit if you buy together then split up. Seriously, move on.

nomorecovidolease brilliant post. Inspiring, and sound advice.

You need to fly high, away from this loser cocklodger....

Two (true) stories for you....

One friend...30 years ago... Lovely, but massively unambitious partner..... Stopped pal from moving from small tourist place hometown... She now can't do the profession she's trained for, no demand... Is now doing bar work... Very unhappy....

They've been very enmeshed in HIS family and how they think she should be doing x and y... .

Different woman, fearsomely bright... Met her bloke in 6th form... He went into alcohol in a big way, if only she knew then... She wanted kids... He reluctantly agreed, after decade if cocklodging, he'd work for a few weeks at Christmas - he then cheered up when he realised he could spin 10 years at home by being sahp... Except he did very little, apart from take kids to play dates/play in pub gardens while he drank...
She always paid for everything. He then makes himseld even more unemployable by losing his driving license thru drink driving.. Spent years depressed and alcoholic... She finally had enough, at 30 years of this... She is much poorer and had so much hassle by having this no hoper in her life....

They both wish they made different decisions

This man is a manipulative cocklodger. Get rid. You sound bright, focused and sensible so go and live a good life without this millstone around your neck dragging you down! X

PS also....
Apart from the general cocklodging aspect of this...

The vaccine avoidance would be a no no for me... OK he can choose not to have it... But it means you may not be able to TRAVEL anywhere, regardless of the impact of vaccine deniers have on the clinically vulnerable in society....

@Jasmeen how are you doing?

We've moved your thread to Relationships now, @Jasmeen, as requested.

@Essentialironingwater

Thank you for checking in with me, I am spending time with family and good friends and it feels great. It's been a long time since I got away. So on thursday night I had a good long session with one of my closest friends and when I got into bed I was pretty solid in knowing inside myself that I was going to leave, and knowing where I want to leave to go to. But there was a little nostalgic and wistful tug in me as I got into bed, thinking of my times with him, and how I was going to be hurting him and would obviously miss him. I opened WhatsApp and saw he had left me a few VMs, just checking in, earlier that day I had asked how he was getting on. In one of them he dropped another bombshell and what I'll call a mini annoyance.

The bombshell was that he was going to further reduce his hours slightly, not by much, but the logic behind it annoyed the fuck out of me. Dont watbto get into too much detail but basically they cut the role/position of the person meant to work with him as a pair, so it's just him doing the work and he said hes finding it way too stressful and fast paced. That's fair enough but we have fucking TALKED for about TWO years now about how if you arent satisfied with your job LOOK FOR ANOTHER JOB. I even offered to fund him retraining a few months ago but obviously, OBVIOUSLY hes not going to do that.

The mini annoyance was....I'm going to use cars as a stand in here as what it really is would be very outing.
So he and his friend came up with a side deal whereby his friend buys a car, and then he fixes it and they sell it on and split the profit. They started their first such "project" during lockdown. The friend bought a "car". And it has just been sitting there for a year. He hasnt done a thing on it. Now in his VM he explained how he and his friend went to look at another "car". And I'm thinking...you havent even got rid of the first one yet.

I'm glad I got those messages. Because like I said I had been feeling a bit wistful/romanticising things and hearing that almost instantly hardened me again.

Sorry for epic message! I've asked me thread to be moved to relationships too.

@LivMumsnet
Thank you! 🙏

Good to hear from you @Jasmeen, it sounds like you are in a much better place. Best of luck for the future

I'm glad I got those messages. Because like I said I had been feeling a bit wistful/romanticising things and hearing that almost instantly hardened me again.

Im glad too... you need to end this 🌸