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Original poster

Was I selfish and mean?

288 replies

Jasmeen · 18/07/2021 14:12

I have a lovely DP who I have been with for 5 years, not married and no kids. He is a very sweet personality, calm and gentle and always there to listen and support me. Compared.to some of the men o read about on here hes an absolute gem. He does all the cleaning laundry and DIY, while I do the cooking and "life admin".

Things have been a little tricky between us lately. I had to turn down a job opportunity I was offered somewhere pretty exciting because he wanted to stay in the same place he has always lived. Then came what I will call Housegate.

Basically I earn a lot more than him because I work in a specialist area and work long hours while he chooses to only work 20 hours a week. What we contribute to the household reflects the difference.
A year ago I said I wanted to buy a house. Not only is his income low but he also has a shocking credit rating and debt. Did he decide to sort that out? Did he fuck. So I told him that I couldn't wait for him anymore: he is 40 and I am 36, I want to get moving with this. I told him I was going to buy a house alone. All good.

So a year later and i get pre approved and i go to view some houses. I take him with me to see them because he will be living there too and i want him to live somewhere he likes and feels comfortable. We find a house we both love. I make an offer. The offer is accepted. I'm excited. LITERALLY five minutes after, he drops a bomb on me: he wants to own 20% of the house and he will give me some deposit money in exchange. I tell him i dont need any deposit money, i have my own. He gets frustrated and tells me "this doesnt feel like a partnership".

I'm hurt and i pull out of my offer and knock the house idea on the head as I begin to question even staying with him and in this area.
A week later I see his sister and mother who tell me I have been selfish and "a relationship is about sharing together".

Im just fed up now. I feel like he is lovely, absolutely love, but like a weight. I feel so bad saying this but...
Cant take a job opportunity because he wont move
Cant buy a house because he womt help me buy one but wants in anyway
Latest bombshell is he has decided he refuses to get the vaccine. I said "so you realise potentially this could mean we never get to travel anywhere new together, right?" he said yep. I said "imagine a future where you HAD to get the vaccine to go to the pub or restaurant together. It would be crap for us. Would you still not get it for our relationship?" and he said "sorry, no".

I feel like we never go anywhere or do anything anyway unless I push him. I'm just fed up. But is it stupid to break up with someone I love, someone who is so kind, when I'm 36? And was it selfish of me to not have given him a percentage of the house? I'm so confused about what I should do. I'm fed up and frustrated and bored and I also love him. Please help.me see clearly MN

OP posts:
Newestname001 · 18/07/2021 18:12

@Jasmeen

In fairness to him he wanted to pay 20% of the deposit and then half the mortgage payments.

How long before he defaulted, though? Is he planning on changing his mindset and consistently working longer hours? Being financially responsible and ensuring he meets his financial commitments by his own efforts? Or will he be unable to pay his way and rely on you stepping up again because otherwise your own credit-worthiness would be compromised? Remember your overdrawn joint account...

Deep down, I know I need to do this.

Strength to you, OP. Your future happiness depends on making the right decision for YOU. There'll be a huge amount of pushback, tears, recriminations from him as well as his family, so be prepared. Even, maybe, have a scenario of what arguments they're likely to throw your way so you aren't blindsided. Good luck! 🌹

quizqueen · 18/07/2021 18:13

No way should he only be working 20 hours unless his salary was amazing which it is isn't. You should have taken the job and bought by yourself unless he is going to do the bulk of the childcare/household stuff if you get pregnant.

2girls · 18/07/2021 18:14

Apart from anything else, he can't just give 20% deposit for a cut of the house and expect the bank to ignore it.
They will want to know where the deposit has come from and if any of it has been given by someone else they will have to declare it as a gift and that they have no entitlement to the house if he won't do this he'll have to go on the mortgage. So If his credit is bad you won't get the mortgage anyway.

Ideasplease322 · 18/07/2021 18:37

I would also be concerned about how he is reporting your relationship to his family. He doesn’t sound very loyal

Elys3 · 18/07/2021 18:44

Oh gosh, I dated someone who sounds like your partner when I was younger. He wanted me to turn down the opportunity of a lifetime because it was in a big city and he feared moving away from the run down town where we were both born.
He had no commitments to speak of and a low(ish) paid job in which he was able to work anywhere. I loved him and it broke my heart but I broke up with him and took the city job. It was a massively life changing decision as it turned out. Hugely positive move. I don’t know you but I am relieved you are planning to free yourself and do what you really want to.

It is easy for your partner to be lovely and affable without the responsibility of a full time job, children or commitment to paying half of everything. He lives with relatively little pressure. If you want to find another partner there will be guys out there who are much more compatible.

GoWalkabout · 18/07/2021 18:48

He's the weight. Women are happier on their own anyway, it's men that gain from partnerships.

rosalindwi · 18/07/2021 19:20

Buy the house- alone!

mynameisbrian · 18/07/2021 19:25

That tiredness and old feeling will likely be relieved when you get rid of the weight your carrying.

RandomMess · 18/07/2021 19:28

Really feel for you but 36 will feel like 26 when you step out and live for you Thanks

ohthatbloodycat · 18/07/2021 19:37

I'm afraid I'd find it hard to respect a man who works only 20 hours a week. Unless of course there was a physical or mental need.
Just as well he's never been married or had kids, as he's too lacking in ambition to be able to support a family.
YANBU.

QueenBee52 · 18/07/2021 19:57

@VodselForDinner

If you were my sister/friend, I’d be giving you a shake.

He’s in debt but chooses to work part-time.
You’re hugely subsidising his living costs.
He’s controlling where you live and work.
He’s controlling how you spend your money.
He’s demanding equity in your property.

He’s not a good guy, he’s practically a con-man.

100% agree

and his Family WOULD say that wouldn't they...

bigbaggyeyes · 18/07/2021 19:58

I think he's being the selfish one.

The thing that stuck out to me was that you've been working hard all year to keep your credit rating and save for a deposit and he simply comes along and demands a 20% share. Nice work if you can get it eh

Mrsmadevans · 18/07/2021 20:01

@PyjamaFan

He doesn't sound kind to.me at all. He is refusing to do things that will.make your life/lives better and easier.
THIS WITH KNOBS ON
Original poster
Jasmeen · 18/07/2021 20:10

I think he had been quite manipulative come to think of it. A week or so after Housegate we had a bust up and he basically told me I had baggage from my childhood that meant I couldn't be happy with stability (my biological dad was an absent father and an addict and my life with my mother was warm but a little hectic), an argument that ended with me crying and for some really fucked up reason apologising. He basically presented it like he was offering me a calm stable life and I was some kind of total basketcase. He said no matter where I went or what man I was with I wouldnt be happy because I feared stability

OP posts:
violetbunny · 18/07/2021 20:14

@Jasmeen

I think he had been quite manipulative come to think of it. A week or so after Housegate we had a bust up and he basically told me I had baggage from my childhood that meant I couldn't be happy with stability (my biological dad was an absent father and an addict and my life with my mother was warm but a little hectic), an argument that ended with me crying and for some really fucked up reason apologising. He basically presented it like he was offering me a calm stable life and I was some kind of total basketcase. He said no matter where I went or what man I was with I wouldnt be happy because I feared stability

This sounds like what someone would say if they were sensing their ride on the gravy train was about to end.

Housemate aside, I'm shocked you're renting somewhere expensive because HE prefers it, even though you're footing the bill for most of the rent! This man is dragging you down. He is one of life's takers. Get rid.

violetbunny · 18/07/2021 20:14

*Housegate not housemate!

bigbaggyeyes · 18/07/2021 20:14

He said no matter where I went or what man I was with I wouldnt be happy because I feared stability-

And this comes from a man who didn't even have a job when you met him Hmm

QueenBee52 · 18/07/2021 20:28

OP he is dragging you down ... and his family too..

they sound like a bunch of manipulative scheming gits ..

get yourself out of this 🎉

SometimesIFeedTheSparrows · 18/07/2021 20:30

Is this the 'needs to rent a house with a garage near his mates but not pay for it' guy? Or is there more than one of these losers around?

The sense of relief when you finally come home from your super new job to your super new house and he's not there to put you down will be priceless.

Peace43 · 18/07/2021 20:34

I hear this song in my head “look around you, look down the bar from you, at the faces you can see, are you SURE this is where you want to be..”. If I can hum that whilst looking at my DP and think “yep, I’m sure this is where I want to be”. If I think “nope, I’m not convinced” then I walk away (this only works once you’ve been in a relationship more than 6 months as you don’t know them until then).

So are you SURE this is where you want to be? If not, leave.

billy1966 · 18/07/2021 20:34

@VodselForDinner

If you were my sister/friend, I’d be giving you a shake.

He’s in debt but chooses to work part-time.
You’re hugely subsidising his living costs.
He’s controlling where you live and work.
He’s controlling how you spend your money.
He’s demanding equity in your property.

He’s not a good guy, he’s practically a con-man.

Absolutely this.

You past up a good move for this lazy, stupid, entitled gobshite.

OP, for a bright woman you aren't half messimg up your future witha lazy waster.🙄

Speakingofdinosaurs · 18/07/2021 20:34

OP - this is one part of your post that really hit me….
“Plus this past year I have worked like a DOG to save up more and have my accounts pristine so I could get my mortgage.”

But he didn’t even think about increasing his hours to contribute to the ‘partnership’???

billy1966 · 18/07/2021 20:36

@Jasmeen

I think he had been quite manipulative come to think of it. A week or so after Housegate we had a bust up and he basically told me I had baggage from my childhood that meant I couldn't be happy with stability (my biological dad was an absent father and an addict and my life with my mother was warm but a little hectic), an argument that ended with me crying and for some really fucked up reason apologising. He basically presented it like he was offering me a calm stable life and I was some kind of total basketcase. He said no matter where I went or what man I was with I wouldnt be happy because I feared stability
Oh come on OP 🙄
CanofCant · 18/07/2021 20:42

@VodselForDinner

If you were my sister/friend, I’d be giving you a shake.

He’s in debt but chooses to work part-time.
You’re hugely subsidising his living costs.
He’s controlling where you live and work.
He’s controlling how you spend your money.
He’s demanding equity in your property.

He’s not a good guy, he’s practically a con-man.

Only on the second page but bloody this! I knew as soon as you typed his "good" qualities that they would be disproved by his actions. He is not lovely. You should cut him loose, he's already led you to lose one job opportunity. Good for you on not caving in regards to the house.
PropertyFlipper · 18/07/2021 20:44

I voted YABU merely because YABU to even be with him. What is he actually bringing to the table? Move on. You can do much better.