Was I selfish and mean?

[Jasmeen]

I have a lovely DP who I have been with for 5 years, not married and no kids. He is a very sweet personality, calm and gentle and always there to listen and support me. Compared.to some of the men o read about on here hes an absolute gem. He does all the cleaning laundry and DIY, while I do the cooking and "life admin".

Things have been a little tricky between us lately. I had to turn down a job opportunity I was offered somewhere pretty exciting because he wanted to stay in the same place he has always lived. Then came what I will call Housegate.

Basically I earn a lot more than him because I work in a specialist area and work long hours while he chooses to only work 20 hours a week. What we contribute to the household reflects the difference.
A year ago I said I wanted to buy a house. Not only is his income low but he also has a shocking credit rating and debt. Did he decide to sort that out? Did he fuck. So I told him that I couldn't wait for him anymore: he is 40 and I am 36, I want to get moving with this. I told him I was going to buy a house alone. All good.

So a year later and i get pre approved and i go to view some houses. I take him with me to see them because he will be living there too and i want him to live somewhere he likes and feels comfortable. We find a house we both love. I make an offer. The offer is accepted. I'm excited. LITERALLY five minutes after, he drops a bomb on me: he wants to own 20% of the house and he will give me some deposit money in exchange. I tell him i dont need any deposit money, i have my own. He gets frustrated and tells me "this doesnt feel like a partnership".

I'm hurt and i pull out of my offer and knock the house idea on the head as I begin to question even staying with him and in this area.
A week later I see his sister and mother who tell me I have been selfish and "a relationship is about sharing together".

Im just fed up now. I feel like he is lovely, absolutely love, but like a weight. I feel so bad saying this but...
Cant take a job opportunity because he wont move
Cant buy a house because he womt help me buy one but wants in anyway
Latest bombshell is he has decided he refuses to get the vaccine. I said "so you realise potentially this could mean we never get to travel anywhere new together, right?" he said yep. I said "imagine a future where you HAD to get the vaccine to go to the pub or restaurant together. It would be crap for us. Would you still not get it for our relationship?" and he said "sorry, no".

I feel like we never go anywhere or do anything anyway unless I push him. I'm just fed up. But is it stupid to break up with someone I love, someone who is so kind, when I'm 36? And was it selfish of me to not have given him a percentage of the house? I'm so confused about what I should do. I'm fed up and frustrated and bored and I also love him. Please help.me see clearly MN

*Was your refusal to let him pay 20% of the deposit for 20% of the house not acting like a partnership?

To be honest, a little, yes*

20% of a deposit isn’t 20% of a house - more like 2%. Was he also agreeing to pay 20% of the mortgage?

Hang on, have I understood this right.

He want’s to contribute 20% of the deposit and then pay half the mortgage.

*pretend figures (x interest etc…)
£300 000 house
10% deposit = £30 000
20% of the £30 000 deposit = £6000
£26 : £6 split OP & partner

So for £6000 you get an immediate return of £60 000 (+ orig deposit)
If you were arguing 20% dep = 20% stake in house.
Or, minus deposit £270 000. 50% stake = £135 000 + dep stake + any upswing in value.
All for £6k

That’s tasty gearing.
Fck me OP*, can I get in on this low risk, low effort deal?

If he’s so in debt, where’s the deposit money coming from.
& on his 20 massive hours a week, how’s he going to service the 50% mortgage + bills etc..?

He’d never be able to get a mortgage on his own because he’s lazy & bad with money.

Not so stupid cocklodger.

You are not selfish or mean, you gave him chance to start to sort his credit rating, he has shown no effort to do so. You may not have explicitly set out conditions, but it is obvious no one would want to be linked financially to someone so unreliable. I hope you can go forward with a house purchase on your own, and still keep the good relationship, by coming to a compromise. May be remortgage in a few years with him, when he has sorted out his finances.

What about this feeling of being old and tired? Will this go away? I feel like im 66 not 36. In fact I see women in their sixties who seem younger than me. I feel.so tired and hollow. I get into bed at night and will snuggle up.to him, we will laugh about something together, and I feel safe and warm, but then I wake up in the morning and I feel ancient and heavy.

Oh, boy. Listen to that feeling.

our rent is so expensive because he had specific demands for the house...

Fuck me drunk!!! That is next-level cock lodgery.

The only good points you have listed, OP, are what nice people in a relationship do anyway. I think you'll find the heavy feeling will go away once you have lost 13 stone of cocklodger.

He is holding you back.

Get rid of him, live where you want, pursue your career goals and have fun.

Ignore your family. Unfortunately sometimes families give terrible advice. They seem to be holding you back too!

Fulfill your potential. Thank God you didn’t marry or have kids with him, or share a mortgage. You can be free as a bird so easily.

Fulfill your potential. Thank God you didn’t marry or have kids with him, or share a mortgage. You can be free as a bird so easily.

This.

It may take some time to get your energy back after the debilitating effects of living with such a leech. He's got you thinking you've got a good deal, living with him - a sort of brainwashing. You will get your life and autonomy and vitality back, and when you actually are 60 plus you will be so glad you didn't give any more of your precious lifetime to this dodgy, occasionally pleasant, entitled little sponger.

I think the fact that he offered 20% and 1/2 the payments means that you should have thought about his offer . However you have stated why you did not do that and basically it was because you wanted a way out and not be tied to him . And that speaks volumes.

Imagine you buy with him and then several years down the line you have had enough. Then he makes it difficult to put the house on the market, argues about what to put it on at, disputes the share he's entitled to, makes it difficult to clear the house on completion. By then you're ten years older and it's much harder to get your dream job and start again in a new town. It's also much harder to buy a house in a different area from where you're selling. Is that what you want for you future? He will wear you out.

Of all the no-brainer threads I've read on here, this one is a doozy.

Not getting the vaccine would be enough for me, couldn't respect someone like that I'd take that exciting job and not look back!

Cut the hair

Cut your DP out of your life !

Start new better life

He has " special requests for property"

I would like a sea view & hot tub

Instead I've got a child's paddling pool in the garden

We all like to dream

He's not only holding you back (the job you wanted), you are paying for the privilege.

I think the reason you feel old and tired is because he has you hemmed in to a dull life. Always in this area, always in a house you pay for, always near his family.

Without him holding you back you would have taken an exciting promotion, probably bought a house. New exciting things that show your life is progressing, you won't progress with him in your life.

I have a postcard on my wall 'if you're going to rise you may as well shine' - go and shine @Jasmeen.

A lazy, selfish, cocklodger who does the laundry is still a lazy, selfish, cocklodger. I’d expect a man of 40 to have a bit more to show for himself. You’ve already compromised enough. Get the hair, get the house in a place where you want the house, and ditch this millstone who’s dragging you down.

He sounds very immature and selfish. Get rid and living your life, he will just hold you back

Why are you even still with him? He doesn't sound "lovely" at all he sounds like a cocklodger!

CHOOSES to only work 20 hours - why?

But wants all the benefits of the higher income YOU provide.

He's holding you back in so many ways.

not because he earns less but attitude

Yes! Earning less if he couldn't earn more is one thing, CHOOSING not to but riding your coat tails is not on!

Frankly if he's only working 20 hours he should be doing the vast majority of household chores and admin (not that I'd trust him with financial stuff)

Yes currently I pay our rent which is £1000 and he pays our bills and food shop.

What do the bills and food shop come to?

he will shut down and not talk to me for two or three days

That's abusive too (as well as the financial and controlling shit)

Seriously get rid!

It's not a partnership because HE is not contributing fairly

Definitely do not marry him! (I strongly suspect his move to stop you leaving him would be a proposal)

At 40 he isn't going to change, this is who he is. A lazy, selfish, abusive man.

20% of the deposit isn't equivalent to 20% of the value of the house though is it? He'd be getting a bargain - a steal frankly - if you'd agreed to that.

Con men HAVE to be charming, affable etc to reel in victims - as do domestic abusers.

What about this feeling of being old and tired? Will this go away?

I would say it very likely would - because I think he is the cause of this

He was on the dole when I met him.......

That would have been a no go for me from the start barring if a person is unable to work.

In fairness to him he wanted to pay 20% of the deposit and then half the mortgage payments.

But COULD he and WOULD he have actually done so?

He could prove this by paying the same amount now towards rent - bet he won't

Seems weird but the hair thing indicates to me you're ready to move on. A major hairstyle change is something many women do after a relationship ends

Oh Jesus, he really likes keeping you in a box, doesn't he?

Not allowed to move away from where he likes it, not allowed to take on an amazing job because he'd have to put you first, expected to give him (for example) £200,000 of equity in exchange for four grand and what he'd pay for a bedsit. He'll push a vacuum cleaner around twice a week, pick a few socks up off the floor and load the dishwasher if you're lucky (the one that you worked to pay for) and for that and a little bit of his pin money, you're supposed to give up your hopes, dreams and potential to keep him in the manner in which he has become accustomed. And because he knows his plan to keep you under the thumb might not work forever, he's already got his plans for a free home of his own with the proceeds of your hard work.

Ugh. It's not that he is happy with his lot, it's that he is actively squashing you down - to keep you in your place supporting him and always putting him first, a means to an end, rather than being a living, breathing, sentient, intelligent and hardworking woman with all that you could achieve or even just dream.

Lose the millstone round your neck and be free.

So...is he proposing to pay half the mortgage and what he currently pays for..... if so why isn't he contributing more now?

Or was he thinking of just paying half the mortgage and you pick up everything else...

You are not selfish. No way would I give him 20%of the house, just for a contribution to the deposit - that would be madness. I would also be reluctant to have a joint mortgage. He sounds very immature and could put your financial future in jeopardy. He sounds unwilling to compromise in all other areas. You will feel held back and resentful if you stay with this man. He needs to pull his socks up and become financially independent. It will hurt, but you need to move on.

[quote Jasmeen]@ihtwsf
He was on the dole when I met him.......

In fairness to him he wanted to pay 20% of the deposit and then half the mortgage payments.

Still what it comes down to is that we arent compatible and this is dragging me down. Thank you for your posts because they've been so thoughtful and insightful. Times like this MN is a really supportive place 💐

Deep down, I know I need to do this.[/quote]
How has he got 20% deposit when only working 20 hours a week and is in a shittonne of debt?

And let me guess, he wouldn’t be paying 50% of other bills? Essentially he’ll rebadge ‘bills and food shop’ into half of the mortgage, and you’ll pay the lions share of everything.

Get rid.

But he had always told me that marriage was just a piece of paper which is why we never have married.

OMG - why did you turn down an exciting new career opportunity to stay with a Nan who doesn’t love you enough to commit?? After FIVE YEARS? 😱

I’ve actually gone cold.

Can you contact the job and see if they’ll still have you? You’re jetting your one life in this planet be CRAP to stay with an “affable” leech! And he won’t even marry you!

With love, I’m giving you a great big snack round the head. These are BAD decisions.

Take a great new job. Move somewhere you love. Buy a house you love. There are loads of easy-going affable types. Maybe the next one won’t tie you down without even a proposal.

Ignore the typos - except have a snack rather than a smack if you like. 😂

@Jasmeen, I hope you don’t mind me asking, and obviously you don’t have to answer, but what’s your family situation like in terms of the relationship your parents had, and your relationship with your father in particular?

So often, women are conditioned to enable and excuse men like this, and it often starts in childhood.