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Original poster

To introduce a ladies first to our sex life??

227 replies

Ladiesfirstplease · 15/07/2021 20:05

So... (20 month relationship).

We have had several conversations about the fact that in I need oral sex to orgasm, just the way I work. Or a vibe would work, but prefer the intimacy of oral. Could be both, I'm not overly fussed at this point! DP can do this brilliantly for me in around 15/20 mins.

DPsuffers from ED, he takes a pill and then comes at me with his todger with a matter of urgency only Speedy Gonzales could rival. And then leaves me high and dry. This happens most times. I'm lucky if I get a 5 min warm up.

My pleasure is a seperate matter that I have to ask for...and he won't do it if he's shot his load in me. So mostly out of the question. I'd say for every 6 times he gets off, I get once. Mostly at a separate time to us being intimate alltogether. It feels like a job to tick off of his 'to do' list, and I usually have to ask outright when I'm about to explode.

Things came to a head last night. I told him I was very horny on Tuesday (nothing for me for a couple of weeks). That was ignored. He took a pill last night and came at me, I turned him down and asked him to satisfy me first. This ended in a heated debate where he appeared amazed that I wanted satisfying, I said I needed more from him and was fed up with it all.

I have tried to be understanding re the ED, but I can't visualise my sex life to be like this forever, I'm gagging. We're now not talking.

So AIBU for thinking of suggesting a ladies come first only policy? Unless it's a quicky and I'm happy with that? I don't want to be **ed anymore, with nothing but that in it for me.

OP posts:
IDreamOfLogCabins · 15/07/2021 20:08

Ladies first or find someone else - he sounds very selfish.

WeLovePeaSoup · 15/07/2021 20:08

Find someone else

AnathemaPulsifer · 15/07/2021 20:09

YANBU! How dare he ignore your needs when it sounds as though you’ve been very clear.

decoratedstandardlamp · 15/07/2021 20:10

I don't think there's a future for you two.

Elune · 15/07/2021 20:10

He sounds very selfish tbh. I'm sure the ED makes things harder (no pun intended) but that's no excuse for not making sure you are satisfied. I can't imagine my husband not caring whether I had orgasmed or not or having to be reminded and asked for it every time. If he's going to take a pill, can he not satisfy you first before intercourse? In some ways it's even easier surely as he can schedule when his erection occurs! So there's no excuse, really, other than selfishness. Is he selfish in other areas of life too?

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 15/07/2021 20:12

He takes the blue pill and comes at you? As in he’s decided it’s sex time and you have to go along?

Bugger that for a lark if so.

Takeoutyourhen · 15/07/2021 20:13

Doesn’t sound like a good match to be honest

Elune · 15/07/2021 20:14

Also does he really just pop a pill and come at you expecting to be able to stick it in whenever he wants? He sounds gross.

MotionActivatedDog · 15/07/2021 20:15

This man has no interest in your sex life OP. There’s no point even having the discussion- he’s not interested and never will be. 20 months in and this is as good as it will get. Cut your losses and find a man who actually cares about you and wants to enjoy mutually pleasurable sex.

Penistoe · 15/07/2021 20:16

I put Yabu because this is a stupid rule and doesn’t solve the bigger issue. You dp is a selfish knob and ‘acted’ surprised you also enjoy being satisfied. He’s not stupid he is lazy.
You are not sexually compatible.

Hankunamatata · 15/07/2021 20:16

How long does pill take to kick in? Surely that time.could be used for foreplay. If he is avoiding oral it could be he doesn't want to do that all the time. Get some vibrators and get him to use them

Original poster
Ladiesfirstplease · 15/07/2021 20:17

@Elune he's considerate in other areas, we get along brilliantly and I was so happy to find him after a couple of iffy relationships. I just don't think I can accept that this is my lot from here on in and nothing seems to have changed in the time we've been together, despite this being one of the few things we argue about. I just don't get what's so difficult for him.

@LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 he says that he doesn't want me to know if he's taken anything. I think because it dents his confidence.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 15/07/2021 20:17

What’s the point of this?

ShowOfHands · 15/07/2021 20:17

We have a sex topic on MN.

Merryoldgoat · 15/07/2021 20:18

You might just be incompatible - 15-20 minutes of anything would leave me bored shitless

Mrstamborineman · 15/07/2021 20:19

No no no. He has it all wrong,
You deserve to “have” sex not be “given” it as it suits him. Feck no.
He needs to do the warm up exercises, pop his pill and perform the necessary.
He is lazy, selfish and using you like a fuck doll.

TheOrangeSharked · 15/07/2021 20:19

He sounds shit in bed tbh. Why would stay with anyone who was amazed you wanted to be satisfied? I'm not sure that a ladies first policy will work tbh as it sounds like fundamentally he just doesn't give a shit about your pleasure

If you don't get foreplay why are you letting him go the whole hog? If I wasn't warmed up I wouldn't be consenting to PIV sex because its just not going to be enjoyable

Original poster
Ladiesfirstplease · 15/07/2021 20:19

@Hankunamatata yes that's an option. He says he enjoys giving oral. I guess underlying all of this is the fact that I'm hurt that he isn't bothered whether I'm satisfied.

OP posts:
Timeforabiscuit · 15/07/2021 20:20

It doesn't sound like your suited to each other, especially if sex becomes a to do list Sad

HasaDigaEebowai · 15/07/2021 20:20

Use a vibrator. 20 mins of oral sex on you first every time clearly doesn’t do it for him.

Reallyreallyborednow · 15/07/2021 20:25

Does he ask before he takes a pill? Fucking rude if not, he should be sure you’re up for it too.

If he wants sex why not approach you first, then take his pill? That way you can at least request he assists you first.

If he doesn’t want you to know he’s taken a pill, he should get the foreplay properly started at least, then he can nip to the bathroom and take it.

thinkingaboutitall · 15/07/2021 20:25

@HasaDigaEebowai

Use a vibrator. 20 mins of oral sex on you first every time clearly doesn’t do it for him.
I disagree

He isn’t doing it for her either. Realistically if they’re not sexually compatible, they should split up. The onus shouldn’t be on OP to just get over it and sort herself out with a vibrator.

Original poster
Ladiesfirstplease · 15/07/2021 20:25

@HasaDigaEebowai I wish it was ever like that 😁. A vibrator could be introduced. I would like to try and resolve this rather than end things. Sex is important but possibly shouldn't be a deal breaker.
@showofhands yes, perhaps I should have posted on the sex page. I just wanted a few perspectives on whether iabu

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 15/07/2021 20:26

YABU for saying 'shot his load in me'. A horrid expression - perhaps this reflects how you see the sex? Yes, he's selfish, but tbh 20 minutes is a long time to be performing oral. I know I'm uncomfortable/ bored/ anxious to get to the end by 10 minutes! Can you self pleasure sometimes whilst he kisses you afterwards?

And, yes, there's a sex topic.

Coldilox · 15/07/2021 20:29

I genuinely don’t understand how sex can be finished until both parties are completely satisfied. It’s such a Herero male centric view of what sex is.

YANBU