To introduce a ladies first to our sex life??

[Ladiesfirstplease]

So... (20 month relationship).

We have had several conversations about the fact that in I need oral sex to orgasm, just the way I work. Or a vibe would work, but prefer the intimacy of oral. Could be both, I'm not overly fussed at this point! DP can do this brilliantly for me in around 15/20 mins.

DPsuffers from ED, he takes a pill and then comes at me with his todger with a matter of urgency only Speedy Gonzales could rival. And then leaves me high and dry. This happens most times. I'm lucky if I get a 5 min warm up.

My pleasure is a seperate matter that I have to ask for...and he won't do it if he's shot his load in me. So mostly out of the question. I'd say for every 6 times he gets off, I get once. Mostly at a separate time to us being intimate alltogether. It feels like a job to tick off of his 'to do' list, and I usually have to ask outright when I'm about to explode.

Things came to a head last night. I told him I was very horny on Tuesday (nothing for me for a couple of weeks). That was ignored. He took a pill last night and came at me, I turned him down and asked him to satisfy me first. This ended in a heated debate where he appeared amazed that I wanted satisfying, I said I needed more from him and was fed up with it all.

I have tried to be understanding re the ED, but I can't visualise my sex life to be like this forever, I'm gagging. We're now not talking.

So AIBU for thinking of suggesting a ladies come first only policy? Unless it's a quicky and I'm happy with that? I don't want to be **ed anymore, with nothing but that in it for me.

As to the tablet, maybe I'm missing something but I thought it meant you (meaning he) could 'perform' for like, 6 hours. So what's the rush? Aren't the tablets to prolong an erection? It's obviously not working if it only lasts minutes, not the supposed hours it's meant to last for.

Get him in the bin. Not because of the ED, but because he’s selfish and doesn’t communicate effectively and you’re only 20months in.

Male here, no ED.

If he’s enough in the mood to pop a pill, why isn’t he using your thighs for earwarmers until it takes effect?

And as for not doing after he’s done, why not? Does he get sleepy immediately afterward, or does he think it’s gross? If it’s the latter and he can’t condition himself out of that, then all the more reason to be doing it while the pill is being metabolized. If it’s the former, same thing plus he should be remembering his partner.

Him not wanting to tell you he’s taken the pill because it makes him feel like you feel that there’s something wrong with him is something that needs some frank conversation - make it clear that you don’t think any less of him for that and remove it as an excuse for that doublethink, and him back on track.

Does he ever go down on you withOUT taking his pill lately?

@CrouchEndTiger12

Coming at me with his todger and shooting his load... sounds as if a teenage boy wrote this.

Would "advanced with his member" and "released his emissions" have better, or would we prefer to go into even more cloaked terminology? "Performed the unmentionable", maybe? "Spread his seed"?

Sex is a human act where you put your body parts in or on each other. It's also a very basic human drive. I don't see why adult women have to be all coy about it and not use slang.

I voted YABU because the question should be: should I LTB?

Yes, yes you should.

He doesn’t sound very nice.

@Hardbackwriter yes, I do feel as though I'm having to coax him into wanting to pleasure me and it doesn't fee right.

@NeonDreams yes, I've been in tears before, explaining everything to him, it just doesn't seem to sink in past the make up orgasm

Your husband watches porn, that's why he has ED. Furthermore he makes it abundently clear he doesn't give two shits about your pleasure.
In this instance I would either find pleasure outside of the marriage or leave him altogether. He sounds like a selfish bastard.

I'd dump his ass and find myself one of the many men who actually enjoy giving pleasure in lovemaking and not using me as a wank sock.

OP, you have a need for not only sexual enjoyment but also for respect and intimacy within a relationship. Those things shouldn't be aspirational ideals, they are basic non negotiable foundations of a healthy relationship.

Ask him why he feel his need for an orgasm is more important than both your need for an orgasm and your need for a basic level of respect in the sack. And DON'T let him fob you off with "But Muh PeePee!" type of answers.

His ED is irrelevant to this IMHO and I'd like for you to not get side tracked by that, and don't allow him to fob you off with the subject being "too painful" for him to discuss, nor let him get away with accusing you of insensitivity to his ED. You're more than accomodating enough, that is NOT the problem here. The problem is that he uses you like a fleshlight and you have every right to demand that that stops immediately, no more bullshit.

But really, can any conversation really change the fact that he gives not one damn about your pleasure? Best case scenario of staying with him is that he learns that his pee pee doesn't get jollies without paying the tax of making you orgasm too. Whoop de do, nothing would be more likely to make my vagina close for business permanently than feeling like somebody was going through the motions and didn't really think enough of me to give me pleasure voluntarily.

Dump him. You deserve somebody who doesn't need prompting to pretend to respect you during sex.

OP's posts are not in the least vulgar. She's speaking about sex in a forthright manner without mincing her words. It's not the 1950s and we are all adults here.

OP, YADNBU. The ED is a sideways issue, this can be worked around provided he wants to enough. It's the lack of wanting to that must be the real cruncher here.

On reading what you had to say about other areas of your relationship and sex being the only real sticking point, I read some wise words on this theme once. They were that a man's nature and character are always completely revealed when he has sex: that if he's selfish or egotistical or insensitive or brutal he couldn't conceal it in bed whatever he might do with his clothes on.

Over the years I've found this to be largely true. I'd not be willing to accept this situation and would expect it to change as a condition of remaining in the relationship.

@Pretzelcoatl my pleasure is seperate to the act, ie at a different time all together. I have said that sex should be a give and take thing with both people pleasuring each other. I definitely need to put my foot down about that, I'm beginning to turn him away and that isn't me at all

This is so awful and shouldn't be on the sex board because the issue is not really a sexual one to resolve, it's a massive lack of respect and care. He's treating your body as a masturbation device and he's OK with that?? He decides when he's going to have sex with you and you have to go along with it? He has a hissy fit about pleasuring you? How can he treat you like this if he is supposedly a nice loving partner?

@CrouchEndTiger12 The OP isn't the least be vulgar in my definition. This is a women's site where we discuss SEX, pregnancy, babies, relationships. Women in normal real life speak like the OP. You seem rather socially awkward. The church or the cartoon website is -> that way for those like yourself.

If having a normal adult conversation with him hasn’t worked, then I might be inclined to give him a taste of his own medicine. The next time he charges at you, tell him he’s too late and you sorted yourself out a few hours earlier. When he protests, say ‘aww, am I being selfish because I’m only concerned with my pleasure?’ Then remind him that you know he has ED and you know when he’s taken a pill. Taking it in front of you won’t damage your relationship. His selfishness will.

Then leave the selfish fucker and find someone who enjoys having sex with you, as opposed to having sex on you.

On a practical note, a vibrating cock ring? (Seriously.)

If he doesn’t care about whether you’re satisfied he’s not worth your time. This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me.

Is twenty minutes really that long? I’m a bit astounded that some people have said that going down on someone for twenty minutes is too long! Granted, it’s been a fucking age since I’ve had sex (a whole different, depressing thread) but if I was giving DP a blow job, I’d expect to be there for more than five minutes.

OP, it’s a selfish man issue. Did you know, studies have shown that it’s only in hetero relationships that there is an orgasm gap?

In these circumstances then, unless his pleasure is also to be “at a different time altogether”, he’s going to have to give to get, since he’s the one who subtracted from your successful formula.

Good luck.

Play him 'It's Not Fair' by Lily Allen

@AlohaMolly

Is twenty minutes really that long? I’m a bit astounded that some people have said that going down on someone for twenty minutes is too long! Granted, it’s been a fucking age since I’ve had sex (a whole different, depressing thread) but if I was giving DP a blow job, I’d expect to be there for more than five minutes.

OP, it’s a selfish man issue. Did you know, studies have shown that it’s only in hetero relationships that there is an orgasm gap?

I’ve found that some people’s jaws / tongue muscles get sore quickly if they haven’t done it for a while.

Practice makes perfect.

I understand your frustration OP. My partner of 6 years is similar. Although he has never given me oral, he does not like any foreplay unless its me doing stuff to him. It's a shame because in previous relationships I've been very multi orgasmic. I think some men just aren't that bothered about female pleasure, and it does nothing for them. They'd rather just stick it in for 5 minutes and call it a day. I don't even get in the mood any more because what's the point, I know there's nothing in it for me! I often fantasise about leaving but we have DC and I just couldn't split up over sex. I should have probably called it a day way back when we first got together, but I naively thought it would get better

There are lots of comments ringing close to home and true. At least I don't feel awful for having thoughts that the relationship might not stand the test of time. @Carboholic, I bought a cockring, he didn't like it

there seems to be a growing idea that to come (I can't use the other spelling, it makes me shudder) and to orgasm is different, and that coming, is just getting wet.

You are not being unreasonable. Some effort needs to be put in on his part for you to orgasm. Whether that's hands, mouth or machine (although ideally, if machine, that's not the only way, because at that point you may as well be masterbating - from experience. Sex became a cold, mechanical affair)

Fuck the idea of using you as a human fleshlight. That is not where a happy sex life comes from (yes, I also know this from experience)

And this is from someone who doesn't even like getting oral sex, would prefer hand or machine, but with some connection and care.

I think the normal way to go about it would be him asking you if h should take a tablet then while that's taking effect he satisfies you. Plenty time to do that seeing as the tablet take a while to kick in.
Is he inexperienced with women?
He just sounds totally selfish and not interested at all in your needs.

@EmRata95 thank you for sharing that. I've been thinking lately that I was very happy single really! I don't want to be 6 years down the line and having same issue. I'm also withdrawing from sex, because there's nothing in it for me. Oh gawd...