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Original poster

To introduce a ladies first to our sex life??

227 replies

Ladiesfirstplease · 15/07/2021 20:05

So... (20 month relationship).

We have had several conversations about the fact that in I need oral sex to orgasm, just the way I work. Or a vibe would work, but prefer the intimacy of oral. Could be both, I'm not overly fussed at this point! DP can do this brilliantly for me in around 15/20 mins.

DPsuffers from ED, he takes a pill and then comes at me with his todger with a matter of urgency only Speedy Gonzales could rival. And then leaves me high and dry. This happens most times. I'm lucky if I get a 5 min warm up.

My pleasure is a seperate matter that I have to ask for...and he won't do it if he's shot his load in me. So mostly out of the question. I'd say for every 6 times he gets off, I get once. Mostly at a separate time to us being intimate alltogether. It feels like a job to tick off of his 'to do' list, and I usually have to ask outright when I'm about to explode.

Things came to a head last night. I told him I was very horny on Tuesday (nothing for me for a couple of weeks). That was ignored. He took a pill last night and came at me, I turned him down and asked him to satisfy me first. This ended in a heated debate where he appeared amazed that I wanted satisfying, I said I needed more from him and was fed up with it all.

I have tried to be understanding re the ED, but I can't visualise my sex life to be like this forever, I'm gagging. We're now not talking.

So AIBU for thinking of suggesting a ladies come first only policy? Unless it's a quicky and I'm happy with that? I don't want to be **ed anymore, with nothing but that in it for me.

OP posts:
Confusedandshaken · 15/07/2021 22:13

Listen to @EmRata95.

You've been going out less than 2 years. This is still early days and it's already clear you aren't sexually compatible. This won't improve with time. Nor will he become less selfish.

maddy68 · 15/07/2021 22:13

Why ladies first ? You find it what works for you you may well find his Ed corrects itself over time. But does it matter who comes first ?

Samedaysameshit · 15/07/2021 22:13

He’s broken.
Get a refund and find another one that works.

Original poster
Ladiesfirstplease · 15/07/2021 22:14

Yes @LimeRedBanana that's what I'm worried about. I'd be devastated if I thought I wasn't meeting dp's needs. I dress up etc for him, don't say no to much, except the other entry point...piles don't agree with that! Sorry, tmi!

OP posts:
Crankley · 15/07/2021 22:14

So once he has taken the pill, he's not seeing much of a difference between you and a wank sock? Neither are expected to have wants and needs I would give him one opportunity. No pill until after he has given you what you need.

Twoforthree · 15/07/2021 22:14

What gets me is that you aren’t speaking now after rowing about it.

He should be upset that you are upset. Why isn’t he?

BillyShears · 15/07/2021 22:15

I’ve slept with a variety of different men, all quite different in terms of personality and kindness, but only one didn’t make sure that I was sorted before they went for penetration (and he didn’t last very long). It’s just polite. This guy doesn’t sound like he has very good manners and I would not be putting up with this for the rest of my life.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 15/07/2021 22:17

This reply has been deleted

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LimeRedBanana · 15/07/2021 22:19

@maddy68

Why ladies first ? You find it what works for you you may well find his Ed corrects itself over time. But does it matter who comes first ?
Because when he comes first, that’s it, the sex is over.

Hint - it’s right there for you to read in the OP.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 15/07/2021 22:20

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Bored teen having fun here methinks. Not biting.
You really think a teen wrote this??
BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 15/07/2021 22:20

Ps. If a man truly loves sex and women's bodies and give and take, you don't have to make rules about "ladies first". On the rare, rare occasion that I haven't already come at least once before he does, DH is seeing to that immediately he comes down, because he really likes making me come. I never had to make a rule about that. He just wants to.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 15/07/2021 22:21

@maddy68

Why ladies first ? You find it what works for you you may well find his Ed corrects itself over time. But does it matter who comes first ?
Did you read ANY of the OP's posts?
Rubyrecka · 15/07/2021 22:21

he takes a pill and then comes at me with his todger with a matter of urgency

This made me laugh out loud

Original poster
Ladiesfirstplease · 15/07/2021 22:21

@Twoforthree I've been downstairs all evening. He's been in the office, spare bedroom which used to be my office until I gave it up for him to work from! He does have more tech to be fair, but still...I'm now slightly peeved. He moved in 2 months ago. We've never not spoken like this and then buggered off to bed. There will be a conversation tomorrow evening and I'm not feeling too hopeful that things will continue.

OP posts:
BrightYellowDaffodil · 15/07/2021 22:25

His ED is irrelevant and clouding your judgement of the issue, OP. He’s a selfish lover who doesn’t care if you come or not

Well, this really. He doesn't really care about how you feel, to go from your posts, despite you trying to explain it to him. And I can't really imagine anything less romantic than Lover Boy deciding that he's going to down a pill then presenting himself to you, manhood akimbo, with a jaunty "Tonight's yer lucky night, love, brace yourself!"

AnoymousCoward · 15/07/2021 22:25

How old are you both? Are you worried about moving on from him? I just don't think he will change, and you deserve far, far better than this Thanks

MNHQ
LivMumsnet · 15/07/2021 22:25

Evening all - we're going to shift this one over to the Sex topic now. Thanks.

AnoymousCoward · 15/07/2021 22:26

@LivMumsnet

Evening all - we're going to shift this one over to the Sex topic now. Thanks.
This is a relationship issue, not really a sex issue!
User57327259 · 15/07/2021 22:27

I had experiences of erectile dysfunction with two partners. I think there must be something wrong with the brain of an ED person. They are so concerned about having an erection that this is all that matters to them. They don't see that they are not what us ladies would really like to have for sexual partners. They might not have such problems with ED if they spent time pleasing us ladies.
It is not a lot of fun being with ED man. Especially if they don't seem to understand the theory of joint sexual events. They seem so desperate to use even the floppiest of erections

Kotatsu · 15/07/2021 22:28

Oh good god, he persuaded you it was the right thing to kick you out of your office too?

I'm getting old, but I'm fed up of how many boyfriends have moved in, and then immediately commandeered the living room/spare room, or long termers who've automatically assumed it.

I split with DP of > 15 years at Christmas, we'd just bought a house with offices for both of us (I found out he'd been massively cheating) - my office was rugged and desk set up in days. His was never even put together, and he monopolised the kitchen instead (with the table I assembled). Fuck off to all these useless fuckers, who can't even be bothered to be decent in bed.

irresistibleoverwhelm · 15/07/2021 22:28

I don’t think this is a sex topic thread at all - it’s about the OP’s relationship not the sex. If anything you should shift it to Relationships. What’s up with all the manic thread shifting at the moment? Are all the pearl clutchers out in force in case the wimmins get offended by a bit of sex talk or feminism….?

CassandraTrotter · 15/07/2021 22:29

[quote Ladiesfirstplease]@Twoforthree I've been downstairs all evening. He's been in the office, spare bedroom which used to be my office until I gave it up for him to work from! He does have more tech to be fair, but still...I'm now slightly peeved. He moved in 2 months ago. We've never not spoken like this and then buggered off to bed. There will be a conversation tomorrow evening and I'm not feeling too hopeful that things will continue.[/quote]
See, he is selfish and it isnt just the sex issue.

Time to throw him back.

And @LivMumsnet this is a relationship issue. Selfish, uncommunicative man.

Original poster
Ladiesfirstplease · 15/07/2021 22:30

@AnoymousCoward we're 40. I was happy single for 5 years and told myself I would never give that up unless it was perfect. And yet here I am...

OP posts:
ShotHisLoadInMe · 15/07/2021 22:30

Thank you for my new username OP. Wink

You've made it very clear to him, on more than one occasion that you aren't ok and he's done nothing to address it. If he hasn't done anything to make sure your sex life is equally enjoyable by now I don't think he ever will and will keep slipping back.

He shouldn't just be deciding that tonight's the night he's having sex and popping his pills, having his fun and then going to sleep. That's not intimacy and you deserve better. If oral isn't his thing or he gets jaw ache or whatever (which is fine because not everybody likes oral) then like you say, he could try a vibe or before or even during intercourse and go between oral and vibe if it's a jaw ache thing. He hasn't done this and only seems to make sure you enjoy it every few weeks when you've had to keep telling him you aren't orgasming and are upset/hurt/annoyed and it does kind of feel like he's doing it to shut you up until you've had enough again.

It's sounds like everything is how and when he wants it. I don't think it's an ED thing, it sounds like a selfish fucker (literally) thing. YANBU for saying no shooting his load until you've shot yours first but I'd be seriously considering ditching him and finding someone who doesn't need to be continuously told your sexual pleasure matters.

Hankunamatata · 15/07/2021 22:30

Having read all this - he is basically using you as a giant blow up doll.