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Original poster

To introduce a ladies first to our sex life??

227 replies

Ladiesfirstplease · 15/07/2021 20:05

So... (20 month relationship).

We have had several conversations about the fact that in I need oral sex to orgasm, just the way I work. Or a vibe would work, but prefer the intimacy of oral. Could be both, I'm not overly fussed at this point! DP can do this brilliantly for me in around 15/20 mins.

DPsuffers from ED, he takes a pill and then comes at me with his todger with a matter of urgency only Speedy Gonzales could rival. And then leaves me high and dry. This happens most times. I'm lucky if I get a 5 min warm up.

My pleasure is a seperate matter that I have to ask for...and he won't do it if he's shot his load in me. So mostly out of the question. I'd say for every 6 times he gets off, I get once. Mostly at a separate time to us being intimate alltogether. It feels like a job to tick off of his 'to do' list, and I usually have to ask outright when I'm about to explode.

Things came to a head last night. I told him I was very horny on Tuesday (nothing for me for a couple of weeks). That was ignored. He took a pill last night and came at me, I turned him down and asked him to satisfy me first. This ended in a heated debate where he appeared amazed that I wanted satisfying, I said I needed more from him and was fed up with it all.

I have tried to be understanding re the ED, but I can't visualise my sex life to be like this forever, I'm gagging. We're now not talking.

So AIBU for thinking of suggesting a ladies come first only policy? Unless it's a quicky and I'm happy with that? I don't want to be **ed anymore, with nothing but that in it for me.

OP posts:
LimeRedBanana · 15/07/2021 21:37

Absolutely mind boggling that he thinks he can somehow discreetly slip a pill, and you’re not aware that he’s taken it. Is he actually stupid?

Look. You’re accommodating his ED and his pill taking. He also must accommodate your wants and needs.

This is basic level adulting, and an absolute base level requirement for a mutually satisfying relationship.

I also wonder exactly why he has ED. And why he’s quite so shocked that the women also expects to enjoy the sexual encounter.

The very obvious reason for these two things is the elephant in the room.

Looubylou · 15/07/2021 21:37

He sounds incredibly selfish. I would make expectations very clear, and move on if not acted on. Some men with ED are the opposite, and committed to ensuring their partner is satisfied. It's all about him in your case

sociallydistained · 15/07/2021 21:38

This is terrible my partner will always try to satisfy me first, sometimes I delay as I prefer to come together if possible during sex… that obviously doesn’t always happen but without question he gets to work straight after on me lol. Don’t settle for this. It sounds awful.

Frauhubert · 15/07/2021 21:39

Who are those women screaming ‘vulgar’ ?????? Ok, when he ‘ejaculates in her foo foo’

EmRata95 · 15/07/2021 21:40

You should not have to try and persuade him to pleasure you. Most men do that freely because they love doing it! There's very little chance he will change. Wish I'd realised that years ago. Sex is just a chore for me now, and it shouldn't be like that.

EarthSight · 15/07/2021 21:41

DPsuffers from ED, he takes a pill and then comes at me with his todger with a matter of urgency only Speedy Gonzales could rival. And then leaves me high and dry. This happens most times. I'm lucky if I get a 5 min warm up

You what??? How on earth did it even get to this point? Was he like this when you first met?

Catullus5 · 15/07/2021 21:42

@ShowOfHands

We have a sex topic on MN.
This is blatantly a relationship issue, not a sex issue.
Original poster
Ladiesfirstplease · 15/07/2021 21:42

@ourlady he hasn't been hugely sexually active in the past 10 years, he has definitely relied on his hand and porn for the most part. Almost definitely some pied there. He was so excited when we met and had regular sex. As this issue arose, I thought I could 'teach him' how to have couple sex but it just doesn't happen. I'm not asking to orgasm every time. But if we have sex 6 times in a fortnight or three weeks, it's not enough for 'my turn' to happen once in that time and seperate to the act. Especially when I'm telling him openly that I feel sexually frustrated. Your suggestion sounds great

OP posts:
therocinante · 15/07/2021 21:42

I think you're trying to be so empathetic to his ED issue that you're not seeing the real issue (or weren't til recently) which is just that he doesn't care that an aspect of your sex life isn't working for you, and he isn't interested in changing it. It doesn't matter whether it was that you hated always doing the same position or hated having sex in the morning or the actual issue - the point is that you are not enjoying your sex life.

The orgasm gap is almost irrelevant (almost, but not - it's very, very selfish of him). Even if you were having an orgasm every time but you preferred not to be on top or something, and he refused to change it, he'd still be in the wrong.

You're now in a position where you've communicated your needs and wishes in your relationship and he has effectively told you he has no interest in meeting you halfway. That's your problem, and ED-driven or not, you deserve much better.

ChargingBuck · 15/07/2021 21:43

I think I've let it become the norm that we just have sex because he's on a time limit.

Your biggest problem is that you have BOTH bought into the baffling notion that a man has to have an erection to please a woman.

How has it escaped you both that you can spend as long as you wish - hours if you like - kissing, being affectionate, foreplay etc - & there is no requirement for an erection to (sorry can't resist) rear its ugly head?

His approach is 100% phallocentric.
How about he forgets about his penis for a while, & you enjoy some teenage kicks & giggles?
Currently, your sex life sounds devoid of fun, & that's because he's thinking only with his dick & not his mind, heart & body.

It's hard to believe you have been brainwashed so effectively by this selfish man that you have settled for a 6:1 orgasm ration. Where is his self-respect? & WTF is going on with him that he acts surprised if you explain that you'd like to come too?

Like so many man, yours believes that sex is about nothing but penetration, & the male orgasm.

Up to you whether you want to work on his appalling attitude, or have a proper think about how he ignores you when you initiate, views your pleasure as a "tick off the to-do list", is amazed when you request fair shares of pleasure, & argues with you because he doesn't have the intelligence, imagination or empathy to understand that when 2 people shag, BOTH of them get to enjoy it.

You said he was "amazed" when you told him you wanted to come too. WTF is wrong with him? This level of deep-seated selfishness will soon emerge in other areas, if it hasn't already. I bet you give yourself more satisfaction that he is capable of - what a horrible turn-off, knowing he just doesn't care.

Original poster
Ladiesfirstplease · 15/07/2021 21:43

@EarthSight yes for the most part. I should have given an ultimatum early on I guess because our conversations haven't helped

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 15/07/2021 21:44

I would have left a long time ago 🤣, he sounds selfish and pretty useless in bed. Sex is really important to me so there’s no way I could live without good sex with a partner that puts me first.

Needapoodle · 15/07/2021 21:54

There's something very weird and angry crouchend about your posts. Why are you getting so het up on someone else's thread?

They post like this on every bloodly thread, it's very boring.

Op, give him another chance if you want but he won't change. It's been less than 2 years, time to go your seperate ways. You thought you had the ideal man but you don't because this is a deal breaker.

ChinstrapBobblehat · 15/07/2021 21:56

His ED is irrelevant and clouding your judgement of the issue, OP. He’s a selfish lover who doesn’t care if you come or not, and seems to have no desire to explore options that may help give you equal sexual pleasure. This would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me.
It’s not just about sex at the end of the day, it’s about mutual respect and wanting your partner to be happy and fulfilled in your relationship - and your partner appears to give no shits about anything except shooting his load (ooh, sorry, @CrouchEndTiger12 - I’ll be off to sit on the Vulgar Step and think about what I’ve done just as soon as I’ve pressed ‘post’ Grin).
All this ‘he’s embarrassed to let me know he’s taken a pill’ BS is just a smokescreen for the fact he can’t be arsed to pleasure you and doesn’t really care.
I can tell you from experience that having a partner with ED definitely does not mean having a shit and unsatisfying sex life - quite the opposite, in fact - and it’s not normal for him to take a pill in secret then ‘ambush’ you. WTF?!

You deserve better.

daytriptovulcan · 15/07/2021 22:00

A fundamentally selfish lover. Take sex off the table till your needs are equal to his.
Pragmatically speak, you're right, you should come first, then him. I fear you have a job on your hands training this pig.

Original poster
Ladiesfirstplease · 15/07/2021 22:03

This post has helped a lot. All of your advice and opinions has given me perspective. I am very aware that I am not going to be happy with the way things are going now. I want to work on things but agree that if the desire for him to pleasure me isn't there when we have sex, then we are more than likely not compatible. It seems crazy to me to think about ending an otherwise good relationship based on that. But at the same time, I know I can't accept that this is my sex life until I'm 6 feet under. Feels shallow, but we're all humans with desires I suppose

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 15/07/2021 22:03

Leaving aside the ED he's just a crap lover. He also doesn't care that he's a crap lover. I really would cut your losses. It's 20 months not 20 years.

Shoxfordian · 15/07/2021 22:04

It’s not shallow at all
He should be wanting to make you cum every time

Don’t stay with such a selfish man

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/07/2021 22:04

This reply has been deleted

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Needapoodle · 15/07/2021 22:06

Bored teen having fun here methinks. Not biting

Report it then. Fucking trollhunting.

LimeRedBanana · 15/07/2021 22:09

It seems crazy to me to think about ending an otherwise good relationship based on that.

It’s not crazy though - because this isn’t actually about sex.

The (deficient) sex is merely a symptom of a bigger, more insurmountable problem - which is that he doesn’t care enough about it, see you as an equal, etc.

BitterTits · 15/07/2021 22:10

Why would the pearl clutchers click on this thread? Grin

OP your DP sounds gross. It reads as if you're not really consenting as such, but feeling obliged to provide a receptacle once he's popped his pill without considering whether or not you might be in the mood.

Original poster
Ladiesfirstplease · 15/07/2021 22:10

@NoIDontWatchLoveIslandoidont it's a pretty boring and adult subject for a bored teen, surely?

OP posts:
Shiloh139 · 15/07/2021 22:11

As someone in a relationship with someone who has premature ejaculation issues (think 20 seconds when we first got together, now perhaps 10 secs max/2-3 thrusts), I would think very carefully about this. When we were younger and first together I thought this issue would be fine, I can and do orgasm in other ways and it was just one of those things. Now, well over 10 years down the line, the lack of satisfying penetrative sex - it doesn't even need to be to orgasm, just a bit longer than a few seconds - has really built up. Using a vibrator and other sex toys just isn't the same, not when it's every single time, year in, year out. I love my DH and am happy with the other aspects of our life together but I often wonder if I had my time again, knowing what I know now about our sex life and how the frustration builds and builds, would I still have dated him.

TheFoundations · 15/07/2021 22:11

[quote Ladiesfirstplease]@Hankunamatata yes that's an option. He says he enjoys giving oral. I guess underlying all of this is the fact that I'm hurt that he isn't bothered whether I'm satisfied.[/quote]
That's the crux of it. Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your feelings?