To introduce a ladies first to our sex life??

[Ladiesfirstplease]

So... (20 month relationship).

We have had several conversations about the fact that in I need oral sex to orgasm, just the way I work. Or a vibe would work, but prefer the intimacy of oral. Could be both, I'm not overly fussed at this point! DP can do this brilliantly for me in around 15/20 mins.

DPsuffers from ED, he takes a pill and then comes at me with his todger with a matter of urgency only Speedy Gonzales could rival. And then leaves me high and dry. This happens most times. I'm lucky if I get a 5 min warm up.

My pleasure is a seperate matter that I have to ask for...and he won't do it if he's shot his load in me. So mostly out of the question. I'd say for every 6 times he gets off, I get once. Mostly at a separate time to us being intimate alltogether. It feels like a job to tick off of his 'to do' list, and I usually have to ask outright when I'm about to explode.

Things came to a head last night. I told him I was very horny on Tuesday (nothing for me for a couple of weeks). That was ignored. He took a pill last night and came at me, I turned him down and asked him to satisfy me first. This ended in a heated debate where he appeared amazed that I wanted satisfying, I said I needed more from him and was fed up with it all.

I have tried to be understanding re the ED, but I can't visualise my sex life to be like this forever, I'm gagging. We're now not talking.

So AIBU for thinking of suggesting a ladies come first only policy? Unless it's a quicky and I'm happy with that? I don't want to be **ed anymore, with nothing but that in it for me.

Hmmm...I do wish you luck OP. I don't agree that relationships would be boring if it were all plain sailing, that's such a crap statement and an excuse. In fact, he has many excuses but you're willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and I hope things do improve for you, not for him as he's already got the type of sex life he wants.

I also think you should take back your office.

@Paq I read that as 'take back your orifice.'

@Ladiesfirstplease He's wrong about relationships being boring if they're going well.

And I think he was crap at sex and that's why his ex wasn't up for it- of course we can't know that, though.

The porn stuff can also contribute to men's sex issues.

The idea of playing while the pill kicks in is a great one. Hope it works out for you.

We had an awkward one not long ago because he took one in the office while playing on the computer and then came down at 10pm ready for action

playing on the computer

As part of his second chance OP, he needs to ditch the porn. Who knows, might find he doesn't need the blue pills after a bit of cold turkey!

But he did oral in the beginning so what he’s saying is bullshit that he can’t look or touch a vagina.

For all his stupidity, I believe that he is a good guy and we're going to try to do this together.
Best of luck OP - you know him, & his redeeming points - we don't!

As he has said, it would be boring if a relationship was all plain sailing.
Oh dear. What's interesting about a relationship where one partner has to convince the other that a 6:1 orgasm ratio is unreasonable?

He's also said relationships need work, he's right.
Not this much work. If he only let you eat dinner once a week, while he ate 6 times a week, would you think it was ok to need to work on it? Or would you think he was an impossible arse, & dump him for his selfishness?

He also said he's acting like a teenager having sex because he is so out of practice...I can't disagree.
Snort! He is SO full of shit!
Ask anyone who has ever been a teenager if their sex lives involved only one of the pair getting off.

Sorry to pour cold water OP, but words are hot air without action.
This isn't a question of normal guidance/encouragement of what works for you. It is a fundamental, & abhorrent selfishness. IT DID NOT OCCUR TO HIM that women need to come too. So long as he could "come at you with his todger", all on his own terms, he didn't even notice if you were satisfied, let alone care.

If I take for gospel what he's saying, then it's because he's been pushed away for years and told not to go near the lady parts. So he's trained himself not to go there, not to even look. Porn has just reiterated that ing is the way to go.
Bullshit.

I can see how 11 years of being encouraged not to look at a vagina, can sway a man into thinking that's OK. I just hope he's being truthful and not wasting my time
More excuses, more bullshit.
He had no problem with your vagina in the early stages of your relationship. And I don't believe him about his ex.

Also - why the fuck has he taken over your office, in your house.
It's all "me first" with him, innit?

Just read your updates.

I really feel for you. I think you'll be back on here in 6 months time with exactly the same problem.

@IAmAWomanNotACis I sincerely hope not. We'll see. I've had a 4.5k promotion today, so that's given me a Powerup 😁. He is on his last legs. I did like single life...

Woo hoo, well done OP! Think of the things you could get with that money that would be an improvement on him. Your sex life could get a lot better by yourself for a start.

I really hope he does buck his ideas up OP.
I'm late to the party but a couple of things occurred to me while reading the thread:

Taking a pill then pouncing on you, if he feels like taking up the option of the sex he's unilaterally decided he might fancy, is using you as an object purely for his gratification. Please don't let that happen again.

I can see he might have fallen into those selfish ways because of loss of confidence but he ran away from his problems and made them yours. Please don't let him do that again either. He didn't want to make the pills a thing. They are a thing. Lots of people have to do things they'd rather not. No biggy move on. It's not like him taking them in secret fooled you...

Well done on the promotion, and well done on getting him to listen and talk. (and I hope what he said is honest and not just a self-indulgent litany of exaggerations and excuses) Now I hope he walks the walk for you - that will tell you all you need to know.

I could not and would not accept this.

You are not for his pleasure only.

Congratulations on your promotion

As he has said, it would be boring if a relationship was all plain sailing. He's also said relationships need work, he's right

My relationship genuinely IS plain sailing. Never had an 'argument' - when we disagree, rarely, we discuss calmly and resolve things. We have great sex which is mutually wonderful. We enjoy each other's company. It's far from boring and it's not hard work. Set the bar higher.

I also don't buy this 'trained himself not to look' bollocks. He's not interested in your pleasure. By all means give it another try but keep your self guarded and get ready to end it if necessary.

Exactly how did your office transform itself into his office, OP? Was there discussion or just colonisation?

He sounds selfish, entitled and encroaching, tbh.

I would like to hear his ex’s take on it. I’m betting it’s completely different to his.

Porn has just reiterated that ing is the way to go oral features a lot in porn - caring about partner's feelings doesn't though...

Why didn't he leave his partner sooner?

All power to you Op. I really hope this works out for you, but I would, sadly, be surprised.

His excuses are just that - excuses. His last relationship is not relevant and he's hiding behind it (funny how it's another woman's fault that he doesn't satisfy you sexually???!!). You have told him many times - CRIED in frustration telling him - that you want more 'attention' from him - that you want to be satisfied. And his excuse is that a previous gf didn't like it so it was OK to ignore you??

He says it would be boring if it was plain sailing? Ey? He's trying to turn him ignoring your needs and not caring about your satisfaction in to a positive? i'm amazed he had the balls to say that. Believe me - I live with a man who has always cared about my happiness and it is FAR from boring.

You say he's good in all other areas of life (although you also mention porn and him nicking your office so not sure I agree) - but I don't know how someone who doesn't care about your needs in bed can be great out of bed.

I wonder how much porn he really watches.

My ex who had ED had a serious porn problem and was also baffled that sex should be nice for both of us.

You need to do the no touching genitals method for a few weeks, shower before being intimate and have no electronic gadgets tv or music on. You then spend 7 minutes each exploring each other's bodies but not touching genitals. It's a huge turn on for men to look at women's genitals and if he's been in a relationship where the other partner didn't want him to he needs to relearn the feelings that'll bring. The one who is being touched doesn't move or touch the toucher. Take the pressure out of it for both of you (after 2 weeks of it it'll be all you're thinking about and you'd orgasm at the slightest breeze). After the two weeks is up you then can touch genitals but not to orgasm, it's about reconnecting with your bodies rather than your head over thinking everything. Again only one touching whilst the other one just lays there and thinks about the physical feelings. After 2 weeks of that try slow sex with lots of touching, stop your head ruling what's going on. It's just a physical thing and doesn't need to be thought about. You'll find the pressure is off for you to orgasm too, it'll be more natural and will just happen (because you'll literally be ready to burst.

The problem with ED is the thoughts in both your heads being more present than the physical act. He'll be worried about maintaining an erection and you'll be worried about him bringing you to orgasm before he either loses his erection or orgasms too early. Just the act of sex for him is probably hugely stressful, all linked in with whether he'll be able to perform then with the added pressure of bringing you to orgasm.

If the rest of your relationships good and you don't want to break up you need to be willing to work at the problem and totally open and honest with each other. Yes he may have to take tablets but you need to accept that and he needs to be honest with you when he does. It doesn't mean he doesn't fancy you, he just needs a little help along the way.

DH had a terrible experience when he was a teenager which led to huge anxiety around sex and a therapist advised us to do the method I've explained. It's helped a lot and got us talking about things without one or both of us feeling hurt. Sometimes we just do the thing where we can't touch each other's genitals to get back to the sensory side of things when life gets in the way.

I really hope that you do come out the other side with the intimate side of your relationship adding to what you already have as a couple. It's not always easy but if you love him and everything else is good it's worth a shot.

So he’s trained himself ‘not to go there’ with regards to the vagina, but sticking his penis in it is fine?

His ex wife likely didn’t want sex with him because he’s a selfish lover. And in my experience relationships that are plain sailing aren’t boring at all - what’s boring is trying to coax your partner into caring whether or not you enjoy sex.

Or did he not get near his ex because he was exactly like this. Your very trusting in this mans words and completely ignoring the obvious truth in his (lack of) actions towards you. Good luck op but no doubt we will be seeing you in a couple months time when you are at your teather and nothing has changed ....

I'd be dumping this selfish P.O.S. I normally have 3-4 orgasms before my DH shoots his load. I can't imagine being with someone as selfish as your partner.

...he hasn't been hugely sexually active in the past 10 years, he has definitely relied on his hand and porn for the most part...

Called it! He is a pornsick weasel, that's why he can't get hard.

Congratulations on the promotion!

How's it going @Ladiesfirstplease?