Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Yet Another Sexless Marriage Thread

152 replies

AnxiousAttacher · 12/07/2021 17:44

Sorry to bring this up yet again, but I would really appreciate folks’ perspective

I’m a mid 50s man who’s been happily married for a quarter of a century, with two beautiful grown up girls, nice house, good career, all trimmings etc.

We have a great, very close relationship, but it has been sexless for years. Always a slightly needy attacher (my mother died when I was young) this has become a huge problem for me but makes absolutely no progress whatever I say or do.

Over the years I was always the more interested one, but about 7 years ago things really started to dry up, when my wife lost her father, and around the same time entered the peri menopause. The one time we tried two years ago, she felt some pain due to dryness, and then wasn’t happy using lube. She has gone to the GP who has recommended a cream to increase lubrication but she keeps simply putting it off and forgetting.

Some time ago I sort of gave up and rarely bother her about it. However it bothers me deeply. I’m not proud of this but, out of frustration I had a very short fling with another woman whilst on a work trip, which developed into kind of WhatsApp affair. During this period I tried to leave, but found the separation too painful. My wife forgave me for the fling , and we had excellent couples therapy two years ago, but now things have very much reverted to ‘normal’.

I love my wife and really don’t want to break up an amazing family, but I just don’t see the situation ever improving. My wife recognises the problem, but has a way of repeatedly saying she’s going to work on it and just never doing so. She says she wants to but simply has no desire. I feel that there’s more to it, that she feels vulnerable or afraid, but she absolutely shuts down the conversation if I try to mention this.

I sometimes think the best answer is to just have a series of meaningless but satisfying flings, but remain happily married, but I know that would lead to strong emotional attachments elsewhere.

I would be really grateful for your advice.the humorous title of this piece belies how serious and upsetting this is for me - it’s just my attempt at levity.

OP posts:

user47000000000 · 12/07/2021 17:51

How would you and your wife feel about an open marriage? Would that be enough for you?

Original poster

AnxiousAttacher · 12/07/2021 18:09

She would think it abhorrent. She’s quite traditional in her views. …

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 12/07/2021 18:12

I suppose it’s a question of what you can live with or without.
If you can’t live without sex I think you should divorce and live the life you want. Otherwise you continue as you are.

Original poster

AnxiousAttacher · 12/07/2021 18:27

Thanks, that is quite binary I guess

OP posts:

IsItJustMeOrYou · 12/07/2021 18:30

I think that as the years have passed it may well have become a binary choice.

Anotheruser02 · 12/07/2021 18:38

Do you think it knocked her confidence when she tried two years ago and it was uncomfortable? Is there any intimacy or tactile gestures or are you like friends?

waterSpider · 12/07/2021 18:40

Is there sexual contact without penetration? Does she want you to have sexual relief, even without that??

It's probably not binary, but maybe 3 (!) options.

Stay and have no sex
Stay and have sex with others
Leave.

Timeforanewnamemethinks · 12/07/2021 18:53

I’m sorry to say but the menopause can really effect some women’s libido. It’s not just the physical dryness and soreness it can be like complete off switch has been flipped.
I suggest you read up from an expert like www.menopausedoctor.co.uk/menopause/topics/relationships

Crikeyalmighty · 12/07/2021 19:17

My H could have written this apart from the family details. I simply was no longer interested post 50, it was like a switch flipped as someone said above. HRT helped with other symptoms but sexually— no. I actually stopped fancying anyone in that way to be honest and if I was under pressure more than ‘occasionally’ to be in the mood (and I never am genuinely in the mood) I would honestly separate because of how much mental stress it puts me in. There is also the fact OP she may just not fancy you that way any more but care about you very much and not want to hurt your feelings by saying so - it happens. It all boils down to whether you can accept it and live without it or if it’s a dealbreaker.

JustAnotherOldMan · 12/07/2021 19:26

Hi, OP,
I went through this a few years ago with my ExW, and it’s all a bit shit - not much you can do really, I think @waterSpider has got the options listed correctly.
As an aside, I’ve just started seeing a lady in her early 50’s , (as am I ) and we are using condoms and a natural water based lube to help with dryness and it’s working a treat as the man deals with it all, my partner doesn’t need to do anything.

Ignoring PIV, are you doing anything at all in the bedroom?

WallaceinAnderland · 12/07/2021 19:30

She doesn't want sex any more. If you can't live with that you should separate. You should not cheat on her because you don't do that to someone you love.

Crikeyalmighty · 12/07/2021 19:33

Now interesting you mention that @JustAnotherOldMan. Whilst I don’t like anything from my angle— I am more than happy with the odd BJ, Hand stuff etc from me to him quite a few times a month. I simply don’t want PIV or oral sex from him To me. Don’t ask me why coz my brain has obviously gone nuts -,but maybe its that it seems less invasive.

SGBK4862 · 12/07/2021 19:42

It may help to let you know that my libido which disappeared for some years around the menopause has come back. I use estrogen cream and that really helps with dryness and possibly (not sure) the libido too.

Crikeyalmighty · 12/07/2021 19:55

@SGBK4862. Sorry to derail the thread but does it help with itching/soreness too? Or wasn’t that an issue for you — the itching down below has driven me nuts for years and whilst ruling out other causes- GP never suggested this

CtrlU · 12/07/2021 20:05

Personally speaking - if I was in a sexless marriage and I was unhappy; there would be no question about it. I would divorce 100%.
I’m assuming your children aren’t young and are possibly adults by now so I’m sure they are more than capable of understanding why you and your wife may split. And even if they can’t understand it - if you know it’s what you need to do to be ‘happy’ then do it!

You have one life to live. Live it happily and enjoy it while you can

JustAnotherOldMan · 12/07/2021 20:08

@Crikeyalmighty
My new partner said the 1st time was quite sore for her, but the condoms an lube have helped with issue (I’m pleased to say 😀 )

BasicDad · 12/07/2021 22:11

Personally speaking - if I was in a sexless marriage and I was unhappy; there would be no question about it. I would divorce 100%.

@CtrlU totally agree.

Anothernick · 13/07/2021 07:53

I think, OP, that if your DW really cared about you and wanted to preserve your relationship she would understand your needs and either try to meet them herself or allow you to make other arrangements. Imposing celibacy on a partner is a fundamental breach of the basis on which most relationships rest, after all, sex defines a relationship - it is the only thing that you do with your partner and no one else. Is she aware that it could be a deal breaker? Its a bit surprising that she is still ignoring the problem even though it almost broke you up in the past - suggests she is not as committed as you are to your future.

Original poster

AnxiousAttacher · 13/07/2021 08:15

@Anotheruser02

Do you think it knocked her confidence when she tried two years ago and it was uncomfortable? Is there any intimacy or tactile gestures or are you like friends?

Thanks for your comment. There’s some hugging but nothing in the bedroom. Yes it probably did knock confidence two years ago…

OP posts:

Original poster

AnxiousAttacher · 13/07/2021 08:17

[quote Timeforanewnamemethinks]I’m sorry to say but the menopause can really effect some women’s libido. It’s not just the physical dryness and soreness it can be like complete off switch has been flipped.
I suggest you read up from an expert like www.menopausedoctor.co.uk/menopause/topics/relationships[/quote]
Thanks, that link is very helpful
The GP put my wife on Estriol Cream, but she keeps forgetting to use it. It’s a daily cream which is meant to stimulate natural lubrication again….

OP posts:

Original poster

AnxiousAttacher · 13/07/2021 08:19

@JustAnotherOldMan

Hi, OP, I went through this a few years ago with my ExW, and it’s all a bit shit - not much you can do really, I think *@waterSpider* has got the options listed correctly. As an aside, I’ve just started seeing a lady in her early 50’s , (as am I ) and we are using condoms and a natural water based lube to help with dryness and it’s working a treat as the man deals with it all, my partner doesn’t need to do anything.

Ignoring PIV, are you doing anything at all in the bedroom?

Thanks @JustAnotherOldMan very helpful…

OP posts:

Original poster

AnxiousAttacher · 13/07/2021 08:22

@SGBK4862

Really helpful, the cream is an oestrogen cream, and glad it helped

OP posts:

Original poster

AnxiousAttacher · 13/07/2021 08:23

@CtrlU

Personally speaking - if I was in a sexless marriage and I was unhappy; there would be no question about it. I would divorce 100%. I’m assuming your children aren’t young and are possibly adults by now so I’m sure they are more than capable of understanding why you and your wife may split. And even if they can’t understand it - if you know it’s what you need to do to be ‘happy’ then do it!

You have one life to live. Live it happily and enjoy it while you can

Thankyou. Yes the children are grown up, but they still need an awful lot of parenting. But you make a very interesting point. I guess my ‘problem’ is I fundamentally still love her

OP posts:

Hotcuppatea · 13/07/2021 08:25

I think this is really tough. I'd struggle in a sexless marriage too.

I'm assuming you talked about this in your couple's therapy? Did you come to any shared understanding?

justhisonce345 · 13/07/2021 08:25

There are no easy choices here but you still have to make a choice.

I've name changed for this. I am married and had a relationship with a married man in a sexless marriage. I met him on Illicit Encounters which is absolutely full of middle aged men in your situation OP. Its not an easy path. You end up living two half lives, instead of one full life. I had no guilt regarding my husband but my AP had masses around his wife, whom he loved. He had had multiple affairs, each one ending as his APs husband's find out. Two of them came close to telling his wife.

And you are right. You go into this thinking you just want sex, but sex is very bonding. It is also not that easy to find the right person for your affair, it takes time so you inevitably end up nurturing the relationship to keep it and that creates bonding. And the sex is better with someone you like. So feelings do develop and then people get hurt.

And when people get hurt they are inclined to tell your wife. The only thing that stops them is good feeling towards you and once that is damaged or gone there is nothing to stop them. Its a very high risk strategy, and your wife is quite likely to find out at some stage.

And once you start having affairs, when do you see that ending? I was regularly contacted by men in their 60s and sometimes in their 70s. You could be doing this for a long time. And if you decide to dump your AP as your libido is now low enough that you can go back to a 'faithful' marriage, how do you think your AP will react?

If you have choose to have an affair, go into it with open eyes. It is not an easy option.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread