Page 2 | Yet Another Sexless Marriage Thread

AnxiousAttacher · 2021-07-12T16:44:01+00:00

Sorry to bring this up yet again, but I would really appreciate folks’ perspective I’m a mid 50s man who’s been happily married for a quarter of a century, with two beautiful grown up girls, nice house, good career, all trimmings etc. We have a great, very close relationship, but it has been sexless for years. Always a slightly needy attacher (my mother died when I was young) this has become a huge problem for me but makes absolutely no progress whatever I say or do. Over the years I was always the more interested one, but about 7 years ago things really started to dry up, when my wife lost her father, and around the same time entered the peri menopause. The one time we tried two years ago, she felt some pain due to dryness, and then wasn’t happy using lube. She has gone to the GP who has recommended a cream to increase lubrication but she keeps simply putting it off and forgetting. Some time ago I sort of gave up and rarely bother her about it. However it bothers me deeply. I’m not proud of this but, out of frustration I had a very short fling with another woman whilst on a work trip, which developed into kind of WhatsApp affair. During this period I tried to leave, but found the separation too painful. My wife forgave me for the fling , and we had excellent couples therapy two years ago, but now things have very much reverted to ‘normal’. I love my wife and really don’t want to break up an amazing family, but I just don’t see the situation ever improving. My wife recognises the problem, but has a way of repeatedly saying she’s going to work on it and just never doing so. She says she wants to but simply has no desire. I feel that there’s more to it, that she feels vulnerable or afraid, but she absolutely shuts down the conversation if I try to mention this. I sometimes think the best answer is to just have a series of meaningless but satisfying flings, but remain happily married, but I know that would lead to strong emotional attachments elsewhere. I would be really grateful for your advice.the humorous title of this piece belies how serious and upsetting this is for me - it’s just my attempt at levity.

Original poster

AnxiousAttacher · 13/07/2021 08:26

@Anothernick

I think, OP, that if your DW really cared about you and wanted to preserve your relationship she would understand your needs and either try to meet them herself or allow you to make other arrangements. Imposing celibacy on a partner is a fundamental breach of the basis on which most relationships rest, after all, sex defines a relationship - it is the only thing that you do with your partner and no one else. Is she aware that it could be a deal breaker? Its a bit surprising that she is still ignoring the problem even though it almost broke you up in the past - suggests she is not as committed as you are to your future.

Thanks, that is a very supportive comment. But I think her avoidance of the whole subject is just that: it’s ‘avoidant’. because that’s how she deals with deep worries or concerns, she buried them deep.

OP posts:

SW1amp · 13/07/2021 08:27

Gosh, if she didn’t want to have sex with you before, she definitely won’t after knowing you cheated on her and had sex with another woman.

Good on her for finding it in herself to forgive you, but there is not a chance she will have forgotten, so it’s not a remote surprise she doesn’t want you anywhere near her sexually.

As I read on another thread recently ‘when you burn your arse, you have to sit on the blister’..!

You tried to see if the grass was greener, and you realised it wasn’t.
For gods sake have a brain cell and don’t make that mistake again

Original poster

AnxiousAttacher · 13/07/2021 08:30

@justhisonce345

There are no easy choices here but you still have to make a choice.

I've name changed for this. I am married and had a relationship with a married man in a sexless marriage. I met him on Illicit Encounters which is absolutely full of middle aged men in your situation OP. Its not an easy path. You end up living two half lives, instead of one full life. I had no guilt regarding my husband but my AP had masses around his wife, whom he loved. He had had multiple affairs, each one ending as his APs husband's find out. Two of them came close to telling his wife.

And you are right. You go into this thinking you just want sex, but sex is very bonding. It is also not that easy to find the right person for your affair, it takes time so you inevitably end up nurturing the relationship to keep it and that creates bonding. And the sex is better with someone you like. So feelings do develop and then people get hurt.

And when people get hurt they are inclined to tell your wife. The only thing that stops them is good feeling towards you and once that is damaged or gone there is nothing to stop them. Its a very high risk strategy, and your wife is quite likely to find out at some stage.

And once you start having affairs, when do you see that ending? I was regularly contacted by men in their 60s and sometimes in their 70s. You could be doing this for a long time. And if you decide to dump your AP as your libido is now low enough that you can go back to a 'faithful' marriage, how do you think your AP will react?

If you have choose to have an affair, go into it with open eyes. It is not an easy option.

Thanks for sharing this, it really helps me. Yes the affair option is fraught, and last time lead to hurting my wife, family and AP. I’m really grateful for your share

OP posts:

Original poster

AnxiousAttacher · 13/07/2021 08:33

@SW1amp

Gosh, if she didn’t want to have sex with you before, she definitely won’t after knowing you cheated on her and had sex with another woman.

Good on her for finding it in herself to forgive you, but there is not a chance she will have forgotten, so it’s not a remote surprise she doesn’t want you anywhere near her sexually.

As I read on another thread recently ‘when you burn your arse, you have to sit on the blister’..!

You tried to see if the grass was greener, and you realised it wasn’t.
For gods sake have a brain cell and don’t make that mistake again

Mmm. Yes all fair, but we did work through this in couples therapy. And she doesn’t know it was a sexual affair. But I do realise it might have had a huge bearing on the current situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnxiousAttacher · 13/07/2021 08:34

@Crikeyalmighty

My H could have written this apart from the family details. I simply was no longer interested post 50, it was like a switch flipped as someone said above. HRT helped with other symptoms but sexually— no. I actually stopped fancying anyone in that way to be honest and if I was under pressure more than ‘occasionally’ to be in the mood (and I never am genuinely in the mood) I would honestly separate because of how much mental stress it puts me in. There is also the fact OP she may just not fancy you that way any more but care about you very much and not want to hurt your feelings by saying so - it happens. It all boils down to whether you can accept it and live without it or if it’s a dealbreaker.

That’s really helpful. Did it ever change?

OP posts:

SW1amp · 13/07/2021 08:37

So you lied to her in couples therapy and still lie to her now, and the penny hasn’t dropped as to why she doesn’t like or trust you enough to have sex with you?
Really? You can’t be that dumb, surely

motogogo · 13/07/2021 08:47

There's far more to intimacy than sex, I don't accept the dryness as an excuse not to show affection, I honestly think there's far more to this. You need to talk very frankly, explain you do not wish to spend the next 1/4 of the century in a intimacy less marriage but you are willing to do what it takes therapy, etc to help try to keep your marriage together because you value her as a person.

Relationships go both ways, as understanding as men need to be around the menopause, we women need to be go half way too. I'm fortunate I suppose that so far I have the opposite problem, never wanted as much since hitting menopause.

If she values your marriage and you as a person she will be willing to use creams etc. Or other forms of intimacy!

Original poster

AnxiousAttacher · 13/07/2021 08:50

@SW1amp

So you lied to her in couples therapy and still lie to her now, and the penny hasn’t dropped as to why she doesn’t like or trust you enough to have sex with you? Really? You can’t be that dumb, surely

I think your position is fair, but very one-sided. I figured that going into the gory details would make it even harder to recover from, and she has never asked to know more about AP. So what you’re saying, basically, is that this is doomed, because Ididnt tell the complete truth? Instead of hurling abuse at me, please tell me (politely) would you do in my situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnxiousAttacher · 13/07/2021 08:52

@motogogo

There's far more to intimacy than sex, I don't accept the dryness as an excuse not to show affection, I honestly think there's far more to this. You need to talk very frankly, explain you do not wish to spend the next 1/4 of the century in a intimacy less marriage but you are willing to do what it takes therapy, etc to help try to keep your marriage together because you value her as a person.

Relationships go both ways, as understanding as men need to be around the menopause, we women need to be go half way too. I'm fortunate I suppose that so far I have the opposite problem, never wanted as much since hitting menopause.

If she values your marriage and you as a person she will be willing to use creams etc. Or other forms of intimacy!

That is really good advice. If I’m honest, I’ve been very reticent in bringing it up for fear of feeling hurt and rejected, but having an honest conversation about it would certainly be progress.

OP posts:

SW1amp · 13/07/2021 09:00

You're asking me how you undo 2 years of lies so you can get your end away?

Your wife isn't stupid. She will know that sex took place, and she probably asked you til you were blue in the face for the truth, and you lied to her. Then you presumably lied all the way through the couples counselling as well, making that a total sham? So she shut down. She wasn't going to get the truth out of you, she wasn't going to get closure, so she might as well pack away the desire to repair this and become a bit of a robot to get through life.

Deep down, she knows you are a liar and a cheat and cannot be trusted again, and I would find it hard to believe there are many women out there who will willingly have sex with someone who is a liar and a cheat. How can you let yourself go and enjoy sex when you've got at the back of your mind 'did he do this with her? Did he tell her that I won't do that? Is she the reason he is doing things a bit differently?'

A proper counselling process would have allowed her to explore all those thoughts and feelings in a safe space and get past them, but you steamrolled through what SHE needed to get past it, because you, the arrogant man, knew what was best for her so lied and lied and lied.

She has probably weighed up her options, keeping her house, not rocking the boat for her children, not putting herself through more upheaval so will keep the daily facade of having moved on.

In truth, she has probably just had to park it all in a locked box in order to get through her day to day life, and any sort of resumption of sex will blow the lid off that box in a way she doesn't want to have to deal with, so she will keep it locked.

You've quite literally made this bed, now you have to lie in it, sexless as it is.

You sound like a really quite damaged and unpleasant person. Instead of plotting ways to get sex back into your life, why don't you work on yourself. Work out why you need sex for validation, why you think you're superior to your wife, why you are codependent.

It won't be easy work to do, but it sounds like it is utterly necessary for the sake of everyone around you, before you blow up any more lives with your selfishness

SW1amp · 13/07/2021 09:03

If she values your marriage and you as a person she will be willing to use creams etc. Or other forms of intimacy!

OP had an affair, then lied about it, then dragged his poor wife to counselling where he lied some more. Probably gaslighting her the whole way.

He doesn't value their marriage or her as a person. He just wants someone to fuck, and another affair is too high risk for him so he is trying to work out how to coerce his wife back into sex

Let's not try and pin this on her being in the wrong when he has blown up the marriage and now doesn't like the consequences of his grubby infidelity

RebeccasTooth · 13/07/2021 09:10

@SW1amp exactly this.

OP - you are insane if you think she doesn’t know it was a sexual relationship and please, spare us - the reason you didn’t tell her was entirely selfish.

If there is no trust there can be no true intimacy.

Why don’t you tell her the truth and go from there.

peridito · 13/07/2021 09:11

OP you sound a very thoughtful ,decent person . I don't think a sexual relationship outside the marriage would help .The guilt and potential to hurt others would outweigh the "reward" of sex and short term intimacy .

To repeat a cliche ,"men need sex to feel intimate and women need intimacy to want sex " . Or something like that .

Much harder I think for a woman ,after years of parenting and general life stuff ,to regain the freshness and spark of facing life together ,having eachothers backs ,discovering you share the same priorities etc that bond two people together .

My latest thoughts on this are that if the woman has time and space to herself she might rekindle that sense of self and independence that will allow her to think of herself as a sexual being again .

No help I'm sorry ,and it's only my two pennyworth and from my point of view .

Hug and cuddle her ,sit next to her on the sofa ,hold her . Stay if you both still like eachother and settle for that . In the end it will be more satisfying than having sex a few times a week .

I wish you well .

Rosewaitcarpark · 13/07/2021 09:11

I do tend to agree with SW1amp.

Obviously we're only getting the one side of this situation, but I wonder how much effort you put into discussing this problem when it first started to happen @AnxiousAttacher ?

Peri-menopause can massively change a woman's libido and she may not even notice it happening if she's busy with children, work, etc. Then it becomes the norm not to be intimate. Then you stop initiating anything, probably affection goes away too. Then she just assumes you don't fancy her any more because she's a menopausal woman. Then she's too scared to raise the issue with you because it's a massive issue, personal, and embarrassing.
Then you go and have an affair.
Not good really. Think she needs support.

Original poster

AnxiousAttacher · 13/07/2021 09:22