Yet Another Sexless Marriage Thread

[AnxiousAttacher]

Sorry to bring this up yet again, but I would really appreciate folks’ perspective

I’m a mid 50s man who’s been happily married for a quarter of a century, with two beautiful grown up girls, nice house, good career, all trimmings etc.

We have a great, very close relationship, but it has been sexless for years. Always a slightly needy attacher (my mother died when I was young) this has become a huge problem for me but makes absolutely no progress whatever I say or do.

Over the years I was always the more interested one, but about 7 years ago things really started to dry up, when my wife lost her father, and around the same time entered the peri menopause. The one time we tried two years ago, she felt some pain due to dryness, and then wasn’t happy using lube. She has gone to the GP who has recommended a cream to increase lubrication but she keeps simply putting it off and forgetting.

Some time ago I sort of gave up and rarely bother her about it. However it bothers me deeply. I’m not proud of this but, out of frustration I had a very short fling with another woman whilst on a work trip, which developed into kind of WhatsApp affair. During this period I tried to leave, but found the separation too painful. My wife forgave me for the fling , and we had excellent couples therapy two years ago, but now things have very much reverted to ‘normal’.

I love my wife and really don’t want to break up an amazing family, but I just don’t see the situation ever improving. My wife recognises the problem, but has a way of repeatedly saying she’s going to work on it and just never doing so. She says she wants to but simply has no desire. I feel that there’s more to it, that she feels vulnerable or afraid, but she absolutely shuts down the conversation if I try to mention this.

I sometimes think the best answer is to just have a series of meaningless but satisfying flings, but remain happily married, but I know that would lead to strong emotional attachments elsewhere.

I would be really grateful for your advice.the humorous title of this piece belies how serious and upsetting this is for me - it’s just my attempt at levity.

@Wearywithteens. I totally get you— and I’m afraid that’s how I’ve felt for last 8 years. As my friend said by her mid 50’s she felt ‘shagged out’ and not in a good way.

@AnxiousAttacher

What do you do when a period of time has elapsed after the next talk and nothing has changed?

Mmm aren’t we menopausal ladies lucky? Vaginal dryness, unbearable itching, pessaries up a flaming hot vagina that no longer feels hot in a good way…and a husband - to whom we’ve dedicated our lives and given him a family wants to leave because we are suffering physically (and probably emotionally and psychologically) so he can’t get his dick wet. And wah wah - oh the pesky feelings are getting in the way of just leaving us for dead in a skip because we are worthless now our vagina and libido doesn’t work. Mmm don’t remember that bit in the marriage vows. I thought it was sickness and in health, til death us do part. Not until I can’t fuck a warm body anymore and wanking isn’t enough. Sorry I get triggered by these threads where men paint a picture of woe all around their dick and in the background I see a voiceless woman who clearly has an entire story but all we hear is the poor bloke who can’t get sex. Is that really what a lifetime of marriage and a family boils down to? Really?

I think this is a useful insight into the other person in this story.

@Wearywithteens - Your comment is totally uncalled for. There is nothing wrong with a man in his 50’s still having a healthy sex drive and wanting to share this with his wife, you’re making out sex is an awful thing to do. It’s not just about getting ‘his dick wet’ it’s also about the closeness and intimacy that sex brings to a relationship.

[quote Strawberriesandcream3]@Wearywithteens - Your comment is totally uncalled for. There is nothing wrong with a man in his 50’s still having a healthy sex drive and wanting to share this with his wife, you’re making out sex is an awful thing to do. It’s not just about getting ‘his dick wet’ it’s also about the closeness and intimacy that sex brings to a relationship.[/quote]
It’s not remotely uncalled for, which is why several other posters have thanked her for the post.

It’s a very honest post on the reality of the difficult and often unpleasant position women find themselves in in mid-age
There is a small but vocal group of posters on the relationship boards for whom sex is the most important part of a relationship, and who believe someone is well within their rights to ignore their vows and leave a relationship for any perceived non-meeting of sexual needs, regardless of the cause or backstory

And then you get charmers like @Waitrosedisaster blaming feminists, sorry ‘feminists’ when a woman points out her biology and psychology means she isn’t just a performing sex doll.

It is entirely possible to have closeness and intimacy in a relationship without sex, and it’s entirely possible to have no intimacy or closeness in a relationship with lots of sex.

When people talk about the pain of being rejected for sex by a partner, or lack of sex being ‘soul destroying’, they are often exposing their own insecurities which have come to equate desirability with sex in a very binary way, rather than being able to see that rejecting the act of sex isn’t a rejecting of the person.

As the OP in this thread has pointed out, the obsessive need for sex to the point of risking an established and otherwise loving relationship to seek it elsewhere is often a sign of insecure attachments, co-dependency and low self esteem

The renowned relationship therapist and academic Dr Sue Jonson has written a lot on this, and her books are well worth reading, especially on how to reframe sex within relationships. ‘Hold me tight’ is very accessible and easy to read

With regards to the fact that men want sex for ‘closeness and intimacy’ I do appreciate ‘some’ do yes ——but I think it’s fair to say that for a great many men it is literally about ‘getting off’ and getting their dick wet. Reading many of the threads here about thoroughly unpleasant unhelpful men who show no closeness or intimacy to their partners in the daily life grind , then I don’t think this is their prime reason for wanting sex — as the lady said above it’s perfectly possible to have plenty of closeness and intimacy in daily life without sex and many of these guys don’t bother with that aspect and then wonder why their partner doesn’t instantly feel like sex when they’ve spent all day moaning, ranting, not helping out — I was married to one of these chaps in the 80s. Not a horrible man but did bugger all round the house , spent his time on his interests, went to the pub to meet mates 4 times a week and thoroughly expected sex at the drop of a hat without any ‘closeness’ on his part

Marriage for life time is long gone... grey divorce rate is growing and I heard more women than men initiate it. Apparently women not just losing oestrogen but also oxytocin which "bonding" hormone.

@SW1amp - Her comments were not helpful and had an attacking nature with no real insight into the OP’s situation, the comment was one sided and just focused purely on his wife. You only need to read the last paragraph to understand the unpleasantness behind her post.

What do you mean the obsessive need for sex, the poster has given no indication of being obsessed with having sex with his wife, he just wants that part of his relationship back again. Off course sex is not just about intimacy and closeness, it often provides pleasure, it is a huge part of a relationship.

@Crikeyalmighty - The OP has already said they have a great relationship and has given no indication that he’s a selfish husband who doesn’t help with the daily grind, or show intimacy in other ways to his wife, that’s just speculation based on other threads on the forum.

I don’t think numerous affairs are the answer and I also don’t think coercing your partner into having sex with you is the right way to go because no one wants pity sex. It’s simply a case of both partners wanting different things during this phase of their marriage.

@SW1amp totally agree with you. So one sided. He should grow up and think with his brain & not his dick. His poor wife, totally understand why she would never want sex with him again

@Strawberriesandcream3. On this I totally agree, I just posted because I see so many men mention the words ‘closeness and intimacy’ — when really what ‘many’ (not all) of them mean is to be honest ‘sex’ . They just don’t like to say it. Closeness and intimacy is a different thing

There really is only one answer here OP and it's the same one given to women who have no sex life with their husband. Leave.

You can still love your wife as a friend and the bond you have as co parents can remain if you love each so much still. If it's just that she has gone off sex/you specifically but cares enough to continue to live with you for the last 7 years (and it's not just because of mutual convenience) then she may see splitting up as a relief and that love you have for each other will become legitimately familial with none of the pressure to be sexually intimate.

You and she both have one life and you absolutely must live it.
Of course your affair was wrong - you should have left before pursuing someone else. But that horse has bolted now, it's time to look forward.

@Gilda152

That’s supremely arrogant! There is only one answer and it just happens to be you’re..?

Even those they separated years ago and it wasn’t right for either of them, you know the wife wants to separate?
Ok then…

@Anothernick

I think, OP, that if your DW really cared about you and wanted to preserve your relationship she would understand your needs and either try to meet them herself or allow you to make other arrangements. Imposing celibacy on a partner is a fundamental breach of the basis on which most relationships rest, after all, sex defines a relationship - it is the only thing that you do with your partner and no one else. Is she aware that it could be a deal breaker? Its a bit surprising that she is still ignoring the problem even though it almost broke you up in the past - suggests she is not as committed as you are to your future.

This. Sorry but if she really cared about what you want she would TRY to get things sorted out. Many women find a smidge of testosterone gel prescribed by a menopause specialised reawakens their libido alone side some oestrogen gel for the vaginal dryness ... If she cant be bothered to act on any medical options its because she has it how she wants and is not prepared to change ....

@Sparechange I respectfully disagree. So there we are.

@BasicDad

Personally speaking - if I was in a sexless marriage and I was unhappy; there would be no question about it. I would divorce 100%.

@CtrlU totally agree.

Also agree with this.

Elspeth has absolutely nailed it and sorry to say OP that I also think SW1 has a very good point.

You are missing the pivitol piece of information here OP... if she wanted to have sex with you she would

Because of your codependent tendencies instead of ending the marriage you are clinging to the security aspect of it without acknowledging at all what that actually entails.

As Elspeth said I also can't fathom why you would want to have pity sex with someone who doesn't want you to begin with??

I think having affairs with your issues is a terrible idea and are likely to get extremely messy.

[quote Gilda152]@Sparechange I respectfully disagree. So there we are.[/quote]
You disagree that they had an unsuccessful separation?! Ok then

@Sparechange As I said I respectfully disagree with you - and I won't be drawn into a pointless debate with you. I won't be acknowledging you again.

@Gilda152

There really is only one answer here OP and it's the same one given to women who have no sex life with their husband. Leave.

You can still love your wife as a friend and the bond you have as co parents can remain if you love each so much still. If it's just that she has gone off sex/you specifically but cares enough to continue to live with you for the last 7 years (and it's not just because of mutual convenience) then she may see splitting up as a relief and that love you have for each other will become legitimately familial with none of the pressure to be sexually intimate.

You and she both have one life and you absolutely must live it.
Of course your affair was wrong - you should have left before pursuing someone else. But that horse has bolted now, it's time to look forward.

This! Just think how happy and fulfilled you could both be whether you find new partners or just have casual sex, you won't be hurting each other over this.

I feel for both of you op. And not sure if it's possible to regain intimacy after 7 years. And can't think you would want someone to have sex with you out of pity, surely that's a turn off?

I'm menopausal and hasn't affected my sex drive. But I'm in a fairly new relationship with an amazing guy who believes and lives in equality, is helpful, interested in me and what I say, not just my body and my attractiveness, who is more interested in pleasing me than himself. Which in turns means that I just want to be close to him all the time, physically and emotionally.

I used to tell my ex that foreplay didn't start in the bedroom. For me, intimacy was how he treated me day to day, how much quality time he spent with me, if we talked and discussed things, if we had fun. We didn't have that, so I lost interest. Which he assumed was because I was having an affair.

I'm not saying that your marriage is like that op, just saying that for me, the best aphrodisiac that makes me want to be as close to my bf as possible, is the meeting of minds and wanting to please and be helpful and make life easier and being genuinely interested in what each other has to say.

But then the menopause hasn't affected me. I take a variety of supplements and lead a fairly healthy life - exercise and largely plant based diet. Not sure if it's luck or lifestyle or if it'll hit me next week.

@sakurami, can I ask when you say you are menopausal, do you mean post-menopausal (the menopause itself lasts only one day - its the day one year after your last period, everything before that is peri-enopause, everything after post-menopause). I am always interested in trying to hoover up positive post-menopause and sex stories!

Ah, I think it is nearly 1 year (I'm 52) . But so far have no symptoms that many friends complain about. No hot flushes, brain fog etc so maybe that's to come or I'm lucky. I did read on here about some women taking some supplements which made a difference so I started taking them to preempt it.

@Sakurami what supplements do you take?

Omega 3 oil capsules but 3 times the recommended dose (been taking that for years). Magnesium because it's supposed to help with sleeping. Maca. Goka. And then the supplement that I heard from here was purifica murifica.

I also eat a nutritious diet with a lot of different herbs, spices, pulses, veg, seaweed, tofu and fruit. But I also eat plenty of pizza, cakes and drink too much wine! I walk my dog every day and do workouts too.

Living like this is a daily torture, I tried everything with my ex wife, after hanging on for way too long I eventually left, which was so hard as in every other way we had a great life together but it was killing me slowly
Now re married after some false starts and absolutely love our life together now 10 years on and looking back leaving was a good decision for me