Yet Another Sexless Marriage Thread

[AnxiousAttacher]

Sorry to bring this up yet again, but I would really appreciate folks’ perspective

I’m a mid 50s man who’s been happily married for a quarter of a century, with two beautiful grown up girls, nice house, good career, all trimmings etc.

We have a great, very close relationship, but it has been sexless for years. Always a slightly needy attacher (my mother died when I was young) this has become a huge problem for me but makes absolutely no progress whatever I say or do.

Over the years I was always the more interested one, but about 7 years ago things really started to dry up, when my wife lost her father, and around the same time entered the peri menopause. The one time we tried two years ago, she felt some pain due to dryness, and then wasn’t happy using lube. She has gone to the GP who has recommended a cream to increase lubrication but she keeps simply putting it off and forgetting.

Some time ago I sort of gave up and rarely bother her about it. However it bothers me deeply. I’m not proud of this but, out of frustration I had a very short fling with another woman whilst on a work trip, which developed into kind of WhatsApp affair. During this period I tried to leave, but found the separation too painful. My wife forgave me for the fling , and we had excellent couples therapy two years ago, but now things have very much reverted to ‘normal’.

I love my wife and really don’t want to break up an amazing family, but I just don’t see the situation ever improving. My wife recognises the problem, but has a way of repeatedly saying she’s going to work on it and just never doing so. She says she wants to but simply has no desire. I feel that there’s more to it, that she feels vulnerable or afraid, but she absolutely shuts down the conversation if I try to mention this.

I sometimes think the best answer is to just have a series of meaningless but satisfying flings, but remain happily married, but I know that would lead to strong emotional attachments elsewhere.

I would be really grateful for your advice.the humorous title of this piece belies how serious and upsetting this is for me - it’s just my attempt at levity.

Apologies if it's been asked already (haven't RTFT) but do you know if your wife masturbates?

I used to tell my ex that foreplay didn't start in the bedroom. For me, intimacy was how he treated me day to day, how much quality time he spent with me, if we talked and discussed things, if we had fun. @Sakurami

This is really important. I said before I agreed with someone divorcing over a sexless marriage. But that's not to say OP didn't drive it there (not saying he did either!)

However. Many men in a relationship (I was one) need to work on being attractive. And that means owning your shit, being tender and gentle with everyone, playful, fun and thoughtful.

And lose the "if I do this and this, I'll get sex". No, you do that stuff cos it needs doing. You bring the fun, happiness and engagement to everyone because you've got this. You don't switch out of life cos it gets a bit hard and somebody said no.

And then that little bit of vulnerability you've got left, you share that with your DP, and it's only for her. So many men forget what made them attractive in the first place...and it wasn't just the youthful looks. It was their spirit and engagement with life.