Yet Another Sexless Marriage Thread

[AnxiousAttacher]

Sorry to bring this up yet again, but I would really appreciate folks’ perspective

I’m a mid 50s man who’s been happily married for a quarter of a century, with two beautiful grown up girls, nice house, good career, all trimmings etc.

We have a great, very close relationship, but it has been sexless for years. Always a slightly needy attacher (my mother died when I was young) this has become a huge problem for me but makes absolutely no progress whatever I say or do.

Over the years I was always the more interested one, but about 7 years ago things really started to dry up, when my wife lost her father, and around the same time entered the peri menopause. The one time we tried two years ago, she felt some pain due to dryness, and then wasn’t happy using lube. She has gone to the GP who has recommended a cream to increase lubrication but she keeps simply putting it off and forgetting.

Some time ago I sort of gave up and rarely bother her about it. However it bothers me deeply. I’m not proud of this but, out of frustration I had a very short fling with another woman whilst on a work trip, which developed into kind of WhatsApp affair. During this period I tried to leave, but found the separation too painful. My wife forgave me for the fling , and we had excellent couples therapy two years ago, but now things have very much reverted to ‘normal’.

I love my wife and really don’t want to break up an amazing family, but I just don’t see the situation ever improving. My wife recognises the problem, but has a way of repeatedly saying she’s going to work on it and just never doing so. She says she wants to but simply has no desire. I feel that there’s more to it, that she feels vulnerable or afraid, but she absolutely shuts down the conversation if I try to mention this.

I sometimes think the best answer is to just have a series of meaningless but satisfying flings, but remain happily married, but I know that would lead to strong emotional attachments elsewhere.

I would be really grateful for your advice.the humorous title of this piece belies how serious and upsetting this is for me - it’s just my attempt at levity.

Wishing you lots of luck with it

And whatever path you take, for gods sake don’t hurt any more people by putting your self first

@Deux l also agree about the cream. I’m confused about why she actually got it

Look, regardless of weather she wants sex or not she must use that cream. Vaginal Atrophy left untreated case cause parts of the labia, clitoris and vagina to fuse leading to extreme pain in old age. There is lots of information on the menopause section, she needs to know the dangers of not using the cream.

@SinisterBumFacedCat

Look, regardless of weather she wants sex or not she must use that cream. Vaginal Atrophy left untreated case cause parts of the labia, clitoris and vagina to fuse leading to extreme pain in old age. There is lots of information on the menopause section, she needs to know the dangers of not using the cream.

Yes, this is correct. But she should use it for herself, for these very serious health reasons, not because she's feeling pressured to have sex with the husband who cheated on her.

I agree about the oestrogen cream and that it should be used for her long term Genito-urinary health even if sex is off the cards. So few women are aware of vaginal atrophy.

@SW1amp I'll try

@SinisterBumFacedCat

Look, regardless of weather she wants sex or not she must use that cream. Vaginal Atrophy left untreated case cause parts of the labia, clitoris and vagina to fuse leading to extreme pain in old age. There is lots of information on the menopause section, she needs to know the dangers of not using the cream.

By God I had no idea! Thanks for sharing that!

There really should be proper public health campaigns on this sort of thing, given how many women it affects. rather than leaving it for women to stumble across it by chance or just never finding out.

i was late 20s and my husband was 18 years older when he became ill, we could no longer have sex, but we still kissed and cuddled, we had so many arguments but in the end i had to accept it, he was my soul mate and i just wanted to be with him, i was widowed at 39. i had another partner for 18 years and due to problems it was sexless right from the start, i could have walked away but i choose not to, if you really need to have sex then please walk away rather than put your wife through the endless hurt of affairs, i don't know what age you are but you can always do it for yourself or maybe it is not the actual sex but the intimacy you miss. i hope you find a solution.

Read this thread with interest at the fact that the tough love from SW1amp - and insights from others - appears to have helped the OP enormously in such a short period of time.

Since when has 7 years been almost a decade @Waitrosedisaster ?!

@Rosewaitcarpark

Since when has 7 years been almost a decade *@Waitrosedisaster* ?!

What a bizarre thing to comment on. Out of the whole thread and all the relevant issues, you feel it most necessary to comment on the fact I said 7 years is almost a decade? Strange.

Haven't read the full thread but read all of your messages @AnxiousAttacher. What screamed out to me was when you mentioned your 'problem' about fundamentally still loving your wife. That's all you need to take away from this thread to guide you forward, all the rest is just noise.

I don’t think therapy is what the OP needs regarding this, yes there may be elements that need addressing regarding his attachment issues but you don’t need a therapist to tell you that your desire to want and need sex is something that should be dismissed, it’s a natural want/need that many of us have and is perfectly normal to want that within a relationship/marriage. Unless things change between him and his wife, he will find himself in the same situation in months and year to come.

Oooh you don't like being challenged do you OP. You find it hard to be honest with your wife and honest with yourself.

You say you are staying in the marriage because you love her. I think the real reason is that you don't want to give up your cushy lifestyle and take the chance that you can find a sexual relationship with someone else. You don't want to risk it, you'd rather have another affair.

Not the words of a man who loves his wife are they? I do think that she has lost any attraction for you and does not want to have sex with you again, ever. If you can accept that then it will be easier to make the decision to separate. You can't make her want sex with you. She just doesn't. Maybe she will with someone else once you've separated but if you decide to stay together I think you need to stop hassling her and let her decide.

@AnxiousAttacher this thread was always going to be a witch hunt. You could have genuinely been God himself and people would have piled on to explain that it's your fault your wife doesn't want sex because you had an affair (completely bypassing the fact there was no sex pre affair either)
You write well so according to some this means you think a lot of yourself, if you wrote poorly you would just have been another thick caveman that wanted to get his end away with anything that moves.
I think the only thing the OP can realistically take from this thread is that whatever he does he will be wrong so might as well be happy doing whatever he fancies.

You could have genuinely been God himself and people would have piled on to explain that it's your fault your wife doesn't want sex because you had an affair (completely bypassing the fact there was no sex pre affair either)

Or he could take away it's not her fault because she suffering textbook symptoms of peri-menopausal that torpedoes your sex drive while also grieving the death of her dad (completely bypassing the fact that he knew all this before he had the affair).

Your wife told you that the counselling was excellent. But deep down she knows that it wasn’t.

You were hoping that the counselling would make her want sex with you again. But she knows that you were not being completely truthful during the sessions, and you were still lying to her. You have probably completely lost her trust because of this, and it is impossible to want to have sex with a husband who you don’t trust.

@Loudestcat14

You could have genuinely been God himself and people would have piled on to explain that it's your fault your wife doesn't want sex because you had an affair (completely bypassing the fact there was no sex pre affair either)

Or he could take away it's not her fault because she suffering textbook symptoms of peri-menopausal that torpedoes your sex drive while also grieving the death of her dad (completely bypassing the fact that he knew all this before he had the affair).

Quite.

You were hoping that the counselling would make her want sex with you again. But she knows that you were not being completely truthful during the sessions

It does seem quite likely your wife has never believed the ' physical but not sexual' explanation.' Its just not very credible, is it?

Well this just has taken on a life of it's own!
Just for the record, and not trying to 'defend' myself @WallaceinAnderland your analysis is not right IMHO. I do feel I spent years supporting my wife through her grief, and being supportive re peri menopause. My issue was I felt so rejected and unwanted because she would never want to talk about sex, she just made excuses. (I am a chronic sufferer of depression). Then I had a drunken fling that whilst on another continent. There are people here who think that is understandable but unwise, and those that think I have crawled out of Dante's 7th circle of hell. I think I will try to take from this thread the best of the advice, and the very helpful insights into what my wife is feeling (but not saying)...

I think you need to talk to your wife openly and honestly again and tell her that you don't want to be in a sexless marriage but that you do desperately want to have sex with her and hope she will be able to find a way to open up to you about why it doesn't appeal to her at the moment. If you could empathise with her by telling her you understand that she may have lost her confidence because of the affair, the failed attempt at sex two years ago etc but that you still love and desire her then it may help her to open up.

You say that your wife never wanted to talk about sex, but she did. Its here in the OP.

She says she wants to but simply has no desire. I feel that there’s more to it, that she feels vulnerable or afraid, but she absolutely shuts down the conversation if I try to mention this

Its there in the first sentence. She wants to but has no desire. She wants to want you but she just doesn't. That's menopausal reality for a lot of women. She just didn't have that desire anymore. Her body shut down that desire when there was no reason for her to have it. That's common. There wasn't really anything else to say.

But you tried to tell her it was because she felt vulnerable or afraid.
In other words, you were trying to tell her it was her 'fault' she could fix it if she tried. No wonder she shut you down. You weren't listening. She may have felt ashamed of her lack of desire as well as knowing it was just gone.

Jesus please just make sure she does some research and uses the cream and is not subjected to a life of chronic fucking pain, with or without you in it. That’s love.

@AnxiousAttacher

Well this just has taken on a life of it's own! Just for the record, and not trying to 'defend' myself *@WallaceinAnderland* your analysis is not right IMHO. I do feel I spent years supporting my wife through her grief, and being supportive re peri menopause. My issue was I felt so rejected and unwanted because she would never want to talk about sex, she just made excuses. (I am a chronic sufferer of depression). Then I had a drunken fling that whilst on another continent. There are people here who think that is understandable but unwise, and those that think I have crawled out of Dante's 7th circle of hell. I think I will try to take from this thread the best of the advice, and the very helpful insights into what my wife is feeling (but not saying)...

You're so busy focussing on ways to get her to want to have sex with you, you are spectacularly missing the point. She does not desire you, she does not want sex with you, she has gone off you, she don't fancy you, how many ways do you want it to be said. There is no magic pill to make someone desire you. It doesn't matter whether it's grief, or menopause or loss of trust. At the end of the day, you are not going to make it happen. You need to separate and find someone else to have a sexual relationship with.