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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh wants a divorce and is leaving today

339 replies

GooodMythicalMorning · 12/07/2021 05:30

He came home last night and told me he doesn't want this any more. He's fallen foe someone else though nothings happened apparently as she too is married. We're telling the kids later after work and he's leaving. Im heartbroken. 14 years married, didn't see any problems. Thought it was forever. I don't know what to do/need. My brain has gone into panic mode about kids/dogs/house. Sad

OP posts:
AbsolutelySure · 13/07/2021 07:48

Oh I feel for you. I was you five years ago. Kids 11 & 13, he'd fallen for someone else but they hadn't slept together cos she was married. We didn't tell our DDs for three months, he moved to a friends house and I told DDs he was working away from home. He came back to stay for weekends. I thought this course of action would win him back. It didn't, it caused me a lot of hurt and agony. He'd been irritable and quiet too.

After three months he fell asleep with his phone awake. I checked the messages and my worst fear had been confirmed. They'd been sleeping together and were about to embark on a holiday. I let rip, told him to decide what he wanted and a week later he told me he couldn't live without the OW. We separated and told DDs. A week later he came back, it was a hard time for us all, both DDs told him never to speak to OW again.

Me and DDs went on holiday and his friend text to say he was still in contact with OW. We lived together but separately for another year. Me in the put me up bed in the living room. It was hell tbh, his emotional abuse and gaslighting were terrible. Eventually he moved out and I filed for divorce. Surprisingly we are amicable though DD1 sees him only when she feels like it which isn't often and DD2 stayed true to her word and hasn't spoken to him since.

You certainly aren't alone but don't believe a word of his damage limitation exercise. You will get a lot of help and support on here, I did (different name) and I'll always support you if I see your posts.

sunshinesky · 13/07/2021 07:58

I'm so sorry . Advice from the other posters on is great, get your finances in order, put your copies of statements in a friends house / email them to a new account, get some legal advice ASAP and don't confide anything to MIL. Good luck Thanks

OrchestraOfWankery · 13/07/2021 08:12

@GooodMythicalMorning

thank you.

He's messaged me to say he cant stay in the empty room with too small bed. (bils house) but he doesn't know what to do next. I've not slept properly

Oh the poor dear! Hmm

Is he really expecting you to manage his new life for him?

FelicityPike · 13/07/2021 08:25

@GooodMythicalMorning

sounds stupid but just hit me all the family stuff we're going to miss, no family panto at Christmas, had elvis tribute booked for my birthday in sept too. no more family holidays.
I’ve not the any replies, just your posts OP, but “family” things definitely still happen, it’s just a different family….you and your children, maybe your mum along too? Good luck to you all. (Oh and diddums to his room situation, that’s not your problem!)
Original poster
GooodMythicalMorning · 13/07/2021 08:53

Dd just made me breakfast bless. They both seem ok this morning. Dd has her nee class teacher to meet so she's excited about that but she did check that her dad was coming round later. Attempting another hour of sleep before I meet mum at train station.

Its hard to not feel sorry for him, I know its his own fault and he's a big boy though so he can sort himself out. He's probably not that sorry about how I feel!

Bil txt me this morning asking if im ok and how were the kids.

OP posts:
PhillipPhillop · 13/07/2021 08:59

Don't give too much away to BIL, in case that's DH's way of getting information.

WinterSunglasses · 13/07/2021 09:04

It isn't unusual for them to still come running to you when something goes wrong and expect you to try to fix it or sympathise as you've always done. Don't be on tap to reply to all that. And things like 'I don't know what you want me to say to that' can be neutral-ish replies while avoiding the trap of the sympathetic response.

dane8 · 13/07/2021 09:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

mynameisbrian · 13/07/2021 10:04

Dont fall into the trap at supporting your STBEX through this. It is not for you to sort out his sleeping arrangements, he has thrown a bomb into your and your DC lives. Wonder if his new woman isnt happy that he has now left you as she may not be planning to leave her marriage and he is now panicking.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 13/07/2021 10:17

Why do you feel sorry for him?
He's knobbing another woman.

Slayduggee · 13/07/2021 10:35

Bloody hell he’s made his own bed!

I would be tempted to text him back that Ikea, etc is open and they sell beds and home furnishing!

Or just ignore the text.

Original poster
GooodMythicalMorning · 13/07/2021 10:36

Because I've been in love with him for 17 years, its not easy to switch the emotion off. I'm trying to not be overly nice. Im looking after myself today.

OP posts:
DiaryofWimpyMumm · 13/07/2021 10:38

My ex husband did the same to me. Now he's split from her and has asked to come back in several occasions.

I've just told him I'm not interested and it's never happening.

Take care of yourself, try distance yourself from him for a while

JSL52 · 13/07/2021 10:43

@GooodMythicalMorning

thank you.

He's messaged me to say he cant stay in the empty room with too small bed. (bils house) but he doesn't know what to do next. I've not slept properly

Ignore it, not your problem.
Muchmorethan · 13/07/2021 10:53

For some reason, these men who want to go off with their new "soul-mates" always want the wife to continue sorting their life out...

As l said to mine when he got angry that l hadn't reminded him that he had a meeting and so missed it - l stopped doing "wife-work" the day you left.

OP - he chose to leave, and so now he has to deal with his decisions. It will be hard but don't be a doormat and continue doing stuff for him.

Remember... he didn't think of you and your feelings when he decided to leave

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 13/07/2021 11:28

Your anger will come op. But for now, ignore him to protect yourself.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 13/07/2021 11:45

@GooodMythicalMorning

Because I've been in love with him for 17 years, its not easy to switch the emotion off. I'm trying to not be overly nice. Im looking after myself today.
I get that but sorry for him? Where is your anger? Your self preservation? Your first thoughts are poor him? You've been conditioned to feel that way. You have needs too.
bigbaggyeyes · 13/07/2021 12:38

The anger will come op. Look up the cycle of grief, you're going through the same as if you had a bereavement. What you are feeling is completely normal, horrid but normal. You're doing great

AbsolutelySure · 13/07/2021 13:30

@GooodMythicalMorning you sound so much like me. I was nice to XDH too, very hard to switch off emotions. I only got angry when I read the messages in my previous post. It is probably why we are still amicable today

Original poster
GooodMythicalMorning · 13/07/2021 17:02

He did keep his promise and come and see the kids after school so at least he did that.

OP posts:
AbsolutelySure · 13/07/2021 18:19

How did you feel about it? At first I was always pleased to see my XDH because I always thought we had a chance of getting back together. It would break my heart each time he left though. It emotional torture and I hope you're ok

Mummapenguin20 · 13/07/2021 18:36

Hope your ok op

Original poster
GooodMythicalMorning · 13/07/2021 18:55

Im trying not to think about if he'd want to come back. I was pleased that the kids were pleased to see him.

I think he'd be too prideful to ask to come back even if he thought he'd monumentally fucked up and wanted to.

OP posts:
Original poster
GooodMythicalMorning · 13/07/2021 18:58

I've cried a bit today but not as much as I did yesterday. I needed to spend time with the dogs so that helped distract me a bit. Also trying to work out what I can claim in UC as I only do 22 hrs currently but dropping to only 8 as just given up a job before this happened. I have the promise of another job but its not been sorted yet but that's only 6 on top of the 8.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 13/07/2021 19:16

I think I'd be saying to him - we all have our problems. I'm a little busy sorting out my problems, and the childrens' problems caused by your abandonment of your marriage, and really don't need to hear about your frankly rather pathetic problems that you chose to make for yourself.

So don't say that. I have a very bad temper.