Dh wants a divorce and is leaving today

[GooodMythicalMorning]

He came home last night and told me he doesn't want this any more. He's fallen foe someone else though nothings happened apparently as she too is married. We're telling the kids later after work and he's leaving. Im heartbroken. 14 years married, didn't see any problems. Thought it was forever. I don't know what to do/need. My brain has gone into panic mode about kids/dogs/house.

@GooodMythicalMorning

sounds stupid but just hit me all the family stuff we're going to miss, no family panto at Christmas, had elvis tribute booked for my birthday in sept too. no more family holidays.

It's not stupid. Those are moments that together made your life. Let it come and go. There is no right or wrong about how you process this. Am so sorry you are going through this.

@Christmasfairy2020

How long has his mum known. This would be icing on the cake. Obvs she won't see kids as much now anyways as u won't be visiting her with ex husband

As far as we know, she mil hasn't been permissive or vindictive to op. She said mil is nice and cried. So let's not punish her or brand her for the idiocy of her grown son.

His mum didnt know. we'd been discussing why he'd been quiet a few days ago and she didn't know. She isn't great at lying and wouldn't have been able to hide it

Yes, no demonising his mum automatically! I know exactly how I'd react to any of my sons committing infidelity and it wouldn't be in their favour!

I don't know how helpful you are finding all the negative comments OP.

I am uncomfortable with the name calling. Your DH has made the decision to leave after falling for someone else which is horrible for you but at least he's not had a prolonged affair and you've found out.

I hope you and your DH can have an amicable and fair separation/divorce which has minimal impact on the kids.

Wishing you all the best.

thank you.

He's messaged me to say he cant stay in the empty room with too small bed. (bils house) but he doesn't know what to do next. I've not slept properly

@GooodMythicalMorning

thank you.

He's messaged me to say he cant stay in the empty room with too small bed. (bils house) but he doesn't know what to do next. I've not slept properly

That's not your problem OP. He's made his bed (quite lieterally) and now he has to lie in it, your priority is making sure you take care of yourself and your kids. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Wow! He's got a nerve. Tell him to buy a bigger bed.
He better not be angling to come back after dropping that on the children.

the size of his bed and barrenness of his bedroom is in no way your problem - don't even answer that text!

A friend of mine's husband left her in similar circumstances but his emotional affair partner confessed all to her husband and reconciled, leaving him out in the cold and my friend refused to take him back as he'd stayed away hoping for his new woman to leave her husband just long enough for my friend to realise what an utter cock womble he was and how much better off she was with the big bed to herself... She's remarried now, he isn't.

Look after yourself and your kids - your H has made his own bed...

So sorry you’re going through this OP.

I would message him back and tell him it’s not your problem, and you assumed he’d be going to her anyway so good luck with that.

If nothing genuinely has happened he has now put himself in a difficult situation. It’s one thing saying you want the divorce and to leave, it’s quite another doing it and then realising you’re on your own.

He’s obviously left thinking he has somewhere to go. The deal was probably that they would both end their marriages. From experience of others this doesn’t always happen as planned, and when one person ends their marriage the other one suddenly decides that’s not what they want after all.

Don’t be surprised if this other woman never actually materialises. By which point he will have made his decisions and will have to live with them.

Poor sis, not having the right size bed, my heart bleeds for him. Who does he think he is? Fucking goldilocks??

Sod. Not sis obviously

If he had doubts about the marriage and even fancied someone else but nothing happened that was the opportunity to work on the marriage and try to reignite the flame.
He took a different route and there is no going back from what he has done. How dare he complain about hardships like a small bed given he chose that route. The very last thing he deserves is your sympathy. You and your poor children deserve all of that and there shouldn't be any left for him.
If it doesn't work out with OW sounds like he might try crawling back...it's likely a big part of you would want that but how can you ever trust him again?

Don't make any big decisions in the next few weeks.

I hope you slept OK, OP. Ignore dh and his "bed not comfortable" nonsense. He's probably already having second thoughts. His problem, I'm afraid!

Don't reply to his stupid text.

From now on only communicate about absolute essentuals. Children, division of assets (after you've collected all financial data and talked to a lawyer!!), the divorce.

And remember that he has been planning this for some time, so he has a head-start.

He is not your friend, so don't believe anything he says.

As others have said - he is not your friend any more. Do not believe anything he says, he will lie and minimise to make himself look better. Don't be surprised if he tries to turn this around to make you feel like this is your fault, that if you had done things differently he wouldn't have been forced to do this. Very common approach. Also be wary of MIL. Blood is thicker than water. My lovely in-laws were very much camp ex. Apparently he was a 'silly boy'

Lawyer up quickly. You have a small window where he will feel guilty and agree to a much better settlement. That won't last long, as things usually flip to where they decide you are trying to rip them off and steal their assets. This advice came from my lawyer, who was right about it.

Sorry you are going through this. It's awful, but it will get better.

His decision, his situation to sort. Ignore the text, or if you have to reply keep it short and don't try to sort it for him. An 'oh dear' will suffice. If he wants to leave enough to tell the children then you can stop fixing his problems too.

'He's fallen foe someone else though nothings happened apparently as she too is married.'

Yeah right 🙄

It literally made his bed, so he debts to lie in it.

Bastard.

Gets not debts

Who is he, Goldilocks?

@GooodMythicalMorning

thank you.

He's messaged me to say he cant stay in the empty room with too small bed. (bils house) but he doesn't know what to do next. I've not slept properly

Tough shit. He'll just have to get on with it.

Don't tell me he wants to move back home already?
If so, tell him to get stuffed.
You need to divorce him.

I'm sure reality will hit soon and he'll either double down or come crawling back.
I imagine he is waiting for this woman to leave her marriage. Now the trust is gone sadly, what a fool.
Can't believe he has the audacity to complain about his new living arrangements after breaking your heart.

Why do I suspect him telling you he can’t sleep in the too small and uncomfortable bed is going to lead too
‘I had to move in with OW because it’s just impossible to stay at BIL’

I agree with the others OP, the only communication is now around the essentials; the children & post split finances.

You can do this OP, really you can! He’s not the man you thought he was

I'm sorry 💐it's a horrible, horrible thing to go through, but it's honestly not the end of the world - even though it feels like it

As others have said, he's no longer your friend. That's very difficult to get your head around and it's easy to think 'yeah but he's different, he loves me & the kids and will do the right thing' but try hard to believe that he isn't any different and you can no longer rely on him to do the right thing by you & the kids.

Mil - it's lovely that she is being nice & is upset etc, but at the end if the day, he's her son and he will be 'forgiven' and while she might be great & try to stay being your friend etc she will eventually move away from that and embrace his new life. It's hard, it hurts, but it's the way of life.

I'm glad you've got your mum, though be careful too, they often want you back together...no matter what.

I hope you have a good friend that you can cry on, who will support you but also be straight with you.

It is a shitty shitty time, but you WILL come out the other side!

& yeah 'nothings happened' is BIL licks, but you know that!