Dh wants a divorce and is leaving today

[GooodMythicalMorning]

He came home last night and told me he doesn't want this any more. He's fallen foe someone else though nothings happened apparently as she too is married. We're telling the kids later after work and he's leaving. Im heartbroken. 14 years married, didn't see any problems. Thought it was forever. I don't know what to do/need. My brain has gone into panic mode about kids/dogs/house.

@Aquamarine1029

He's fallen foe someone else though nothings happened apparently as she too is married.

This is a complete, and utter lie. He has been having a full blown affair with this woman, probably for quite some time.

Get a solicitor and protect yourself.

Agree. Nobody walks out of a relationship for another married person that they fancy a bit. He is minimising. Please take care of yourself, OP. Tell someone you trust IRL - you will need support. Eat and drink, even if you don't feel like it - your rational brain needs sustenance.

I'm so sorry OP. What a terrible shock.

As other posters have mentioned, it's unusual for a man to leave without having someone else lined up. I would put money on him already being involved with this woman, emotionally and/or physically. Most likely he's not ready to own up to an affair.

None of us know what's happening other than what you've posted.

Perhaps he is having an affair.

Perhaps he fancied someone else nothing has happened but he feels that that must mean that your relationship isn't working or he wouldn't feel this way. Lots of women post about how their marriage/relationship isn't working for them and the advice is usually to draw a line under it and move on. Life's too short to be stuck in a relationship that isn't providing what you need/want. Here he seems to have done that, perhaps it would have been better for him to have talked to you about what he thought was missing.

Now you need to figure out where you go from here. You, him, the children and dog. Is the break up going to be civil/friendly or not? How you both react now will affect yourselves and the children. If nothings happened and he's just no longer happy with the marriage would you prefer he stayed and tried to sort it out?

The kids are 11 and 15. Mum is here with me now as I called her as soon as it got to a sensible hour. She's going to stay with me today. mil is coming round in a bit too. She's absolutely gutted.

Glad your mum's with you OP. I hope your MIL is a good woman who will support you - but I'd be a bit wary because when the chips are down some MILs defend their sons even when their sons are behaving badly. Not all though - hopefully you've got a good one.

She is. she's really worried about losing me and the kids. We've had a really close relationship.

No advice here. I think everyone else has that covered. Just sending hugs

I think he was probably lying when he said ‘nothing happened’, he doesn’t want you rightfully angry knowing he’s cheated and lawyering up. He may try to manipulate you so he comes out of this with the best £ situation possible, then he will ‘start’ his ‘new’ relationship. I’m speaking from experience.

@Aprilshowers91

I think he was probably lying when he said ‘nothing happened’, he doesn’t want you rightfully angry knowing he’s cheated and lawyering up. He may try to manipulate you so he comes out of this with the best £ situation possible, then he will ‘start’ his ‘new’ relationship. I’m speaking from experience.

Absolutely this. Five minutes after you split they will miraculously be in a relationship. So sorry op. Please get angry and protect yourself and your children. His guilt will only keep his behaviour decent for so long, then things are likely to become difficult. I also speak from experience.

It doesn't feel like it right now but the very worst thing that has happened today is that you have discovered who your husband really is - ie a cheat and a liar. Losing someone like that from your life is not a bad thing .

Don't blame yourself. Every word out of his mouth is him trying to justify shitty behaviour. Find your anger, that is your friend. He isn't and he can never be trusted again. I feel for you. It is the most dreadful shock. An awful lot of us have been there.

My advice is to take it one step at a time. Do not rush to make decisions that are irreversible, you are in shock currently.

You need to sit down with your h and a piece of paper and work out how you can go about this minimising harm to the children. Sounds like he's (strange to say) trying to do the right thing because he's realised what's happened but probably hasn't thought it through either.

It actually took 5 months to sort out finances and 7 months from my h calling time (no one else involved) to him moving out as it isn't easy to untangle everything, fortunately we had a big house so he could have his own room.

We are still good friends btw, it's possible, despite me living with dp and him having a serious relationship.

The hardest bit was at the stage you are when I didn't know how I would cope financially - exh actually was very generous and pays substantial spousal maintenance privately agreed.

He isn’t leaving for a woman that ‘nothing has happened’ with, of that, you can be sure!

I don't believe nothing has happened either.

I get the feeling Mil doesn't either. She was really nice, cried a bit too.

As others have said I am sure if he has reached the point he is ready to leave then this has been ongoing beforehand for a period of time. One thing I would say and I am saying this from experience is that once they have had their head turned they can often become really cold and distance and quite honestly someone you will not recognise so be prepared for further craziness on his part as he will most likely be riding the highs of a new relationship, one where reality doesn't exist and everything is just going to be perfect and work itself out.

I am sorry this has happened to you, I know how it feels and its horrible. Just take one day at a time (even one hour at a time) and take it easy, good luck.

Yeh he's deffo been having his way with her. You don't end a marriage without at least one Shag do you? Soon he will realise the grass is not greener.

What a fucking pathetic man. It will all come crashing down around him just as you start to feel strong and living your best life.

where is he actually going?

he must have something else lined up? you'll get through this op....you will all be fine

His brothers as bils girlfriend moved out and they have/had a spare bedroom. Mil confirmed this.

He had become cold and distant, that's how I knew something wasnt right.

For you OP 💐💐 ...what a utter twat he is!!! Look after yourself and try to eat and drink little bits. I hope hope willy shrivel's up and drops off! Bloody selfish bastard.

Hope this evening goes ok 💐

He said he'd be back at half 5ish and he's not back yet

I wonder how keen he'd be to leave if you dumped the kids on him and said you don't want them - hypothetical obviously.
I bet he'd change his tune then!

@GooodMythicalMorning

He said he'd be back at half 5ish and he's not back yet

The saving grace is that you won't be telling the kids tonight. Which is the right thing to do. Get yourself feeling stronger before you have that chat. For now, he is just visiting Uncle Soandso.

I'd book in for an sti check too

@Peppallama

I'd book in for an sti check too

Yes to this.