Dh wants a divorce and is leaving today

[GooodMythicalMorning]

He came home last night and told me he doesn't want this any more. He's fallen foe someone else though nothings happened apparently as she too is married. We're telling the kids later after work and he's leaving. Im heartbroken. 14 years married, didn't see any problems. Thought it was forever. I don't know what to do/need. My brain has gone into panic mode about kids/dogs/house.

I did think similar things but because I dont want the same problems as my parents had when they divorced I didnt. My mum and dad couldn't even be in the same room as each other for a long long time. about 20 years, until each daughter got married and they had to be civil at our weddings. now they're a bit better.

You are a good person GooodMythicalMorning, and a stellar Mum. But do tell him that it would be a good idea to take his grizzles to his own Mum!

Sounds like you need to sort out short term finances fast.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through exactly the same at the beginning of last year- together 16 years and absolutely devastated. Husband told me he had fallen for a married coworker, nothing had happened but he couldn’t stay with me as he had realised he didn’t love me. I was fixated on the fact there wouldn’t be anymore family days out or holidays and how had it all gone wrong. I couldn’t get my head around the fact that my perfect life was falling apart and I had done nothing to cause it- it all seemed so unfair.

I hope you are ok, sending love xx

How are you doing now @SammySays

Has it got any easier?

He mentioned I wasn't wearing my rings, I put another on as hand felt naked but felt wrong to wear mine when he took his off yesterday morning.

I'm pleased he noticed... he's been in control so far so it's good that you retain as much control yourself.

@GooodMythicalMorning

How are you doing now *@SammySays*

Has it got any easier?

I’m a bit of a fraud I’m afraid and can’t tel you if it gets easier because I was weak and took him back after a few weeks of begging. He quickly realised moving back in with his mum wasn’t the future he envisioned. Think he expected to be out partying in the evenings after work and would sail into the sunset with the other woman. It was completely unrealistic of course- she was never going to leave her husband and ruin her family/disrupt her children. The fact he was willing to hurt our child like that is something I will never forgive.

We went to marriage counselling, he found a new job and he has worked hard to be a better husband. If I’m honest I don’t know if we will still be together in a year or 2, we’ve been in lockdown and he’s been working from home so I’ve not really had to trust him yet. We are together at the moment though and I’m able to put things to the back of my mind mostly and just concentrate of having a good day as a family. We laugh all day and have fun but I suppose it’s always there in the back of my mind. I have a lot of nightmares that it’s all falling apart again. It’s best for our 6 year old too to give it another go so we will see.

I just wanted to say that I understand your pain and I’m so sorry you are going through this

thanks. I hope everything works out for the best for you.

@GooodMythicalMorning

He mentioned I wasn't wearing my rings, I put another on as hand felt naked but felt wrong to wear mine when he took his off yesterday morning.

Say 'no because we've split up '

I managed to get some sleep lst night but the reality of it all hit me again as soon as I woke up. I feel sick and ill. My ds's godmother is coming to see me this morning and my sister and little nephews are coming lunch time so hopefully that will distract me at least for a little bit.

I'm not surprised. Do keep your fluids up, and eat something, won't you?

Going through a break up is hell and only time will help. my last break up my brother sent me a meme similar to this and it is sooo true!

Ive managed some squash and a few cheese savouries snacky things.

Im trying to be good and not message him even though I want to, cos I'm used to it. Every time I feel like that I message someone else instead, mum mainly.

Don't do what I did and do the pick me dance and don't chase because trust me you won't "win" all it will do is knock your self esteem further, please trust me on that I did it for 15 months (yes that's right 15 months) and it has had a real profound effect on my mental health.

What he needs now is a big proper dose of reality and to think about what he has done, and trust me there will be moments he will think about the situation he'll just be good at hiding it and justifying it to himself.

Well done for messaging your Mum instead keep doing that. This hurts and it hurts like nothing else, I am a pretty logical guy that is known to be able to handle and be calm even in a crisis but this has just knocked me over and it devastated me and shot my self esteem BUT I do feel myself slowly picking up day by day so you will get there.

How awful, let your family and friends support you and the children.

Then sort out lawyers, etc.

Im definitely not doing the pick me dance, was just saying that to my friend who was here. If he wanted me he'd be here. He's not thinking about me now.

OP, I'm so sorry but sounds like you are doing all the things you can for now.

I don't suppose you will get any of the answers you are hoping for and that must be really hard to handle. I expect you might move from really sad to a bit angry soon? I know I would!

Have you got any mutual friends to talk to? Is it possible he's having a bit of a breakdown? No excuses obviously. Just sounds unexpected from what you've said.

I was doing ok til the early hours when he messaged to ask if I'd looked at finances etc, then it hit me like a gut punch again. supposed to be meeting a friend but I really don't feel like it. I will though as she'll be here in 15 mins. I feel so deflated today.

We do have a few mutual friends, Quite a few of them have already rallied round me. He said nobody's talking to him. I don't feel bad about that as I think it speaks volumes.

Talk through the financiers with your friend, then see a solicitor and talk it through with them. Do this BEFORE you speak to him about it. He can wait a few days whilst you get your head around things

I’d try not to reply to messages such as the one saying nobody’s talking to him. Only reply re child contact/practical matters. It’s not fair for him to use you as an agony aunt when he’s done this.

I hope someone, either your friend who is coming today, or another can help you sit down and work out a response to that. It's very early days for him to be expecting you to have an idea on finances, isn't it?

Too early for finances. Definitely. He needs to go through the correct processes. Solicitors and mediation. Not just something off the cuff and knee jerk. He can wait.

It’s not even been 4 whole days since he dropped his rotten bombshell and blew up your life, of course you haven’t thought about the bloody finances!