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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh wants a divorce and is leaving today

339 replies

GooodMythicalMorning · 12/07/2021 05:30

He came home last night and told me he doesn't want this any more. He's fallen foe someone else though nothings happened apparently as she too is married. We're telling the kids later after work and he's leaving. Im heartbroken. 14 years married, didn't see any problems. Thought it was forever. I don't know what to do/need. My brain has gone into panic mode about kids/dogs/house. Sad

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 20/07/2021 10:33

Go through all the bills stop anything that is his. Car insurance mobile phone etc. Best deals on utilities. Single person discount on council tax

Have you done a benefit calculation. You may get some help with childcare costs?

Cms calculator have you included this in your sums?

Sadly life has to change when you are down to one income. My kids use to do several activities. I fought hard to not stop them but as I got no child support they had swimming only. Brownies/scouting is cheap and worthwhile pursuit.

You will adapted.

Stop engage with him about anything other than money and his contact with the children. He has made his bed. You will feel better for it

Billybagpuss · 20/07/2021 10:40

@GooodMythicalMorning

I've scanned literally everything into genius scan this morning and written down all my monthly outgoings income. without including food and clothes I currently have a £200 deficit at least.
Are you renting or mortgage.

Have you looked into things such as single adult adjustment to the council tax?
Have you put in a Cms claim.

There are so many more people on here with way more knowledge on this than me but these are the things that immediately spring to mind 💐

RandomMess · 20/07/2021 10:44

He's still liable for the mortgage and rent at your place as well as CMS

Dollpiglet · 20/07/2021 11:19

If you have a mortgage you could phone up and ask to freeze it for a bit to give you some time to get sorted

larkstar · 20/07/2021 11:46

I agree with @crosshatching - just reading between the lines it comes across quite clearly to me that you are going to do better than just survive this crisis; I'm sure I'm not the only one wanting to cheer you on.

What do you make of his decision - to me it seems that 99 times out of a 100 leaving a long standing relationship in this situation (mortgage, kids) must be the stupidest thing anyone does. It doesn't sound like he thought through anything at all - do you think he's just been very stupid, immature, impulsive, naive etc and that he'll soon realise he's been a complete idiot?

If he's planning on moving 40 mins away - is he signalling that he'll be making excuses and intends to try and get you to deal with more than your fair share of arrangements regarding your children? Again - it suggests he's not thinking anything through - is that true to form?

If so, it sounds like you have a significant advantage over him already.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this - when my daughter was seriously ill I had one friend unexpectedly emerge head and shoulders above all the others - that a gift from those dark days - I hope you find someone similar.

Original poster
GooodMythicalMorning · 20/07/2021 12:19

It is joint mortgage. He was supposed to come over to do the finances as he was soo desperate to know what he can afford but he's not turned up. If he's not here in an hour im going out!

OP posts:
AmberIsACertainty · 20/07/2021 12:31

Contact utilities and ask if there's a discount for low income.

Go out already, don't wait for him, he's broken the agreement to meet at X time.

occa · 20/07/2021 12:40

Yes go out now. Don't hang around waiting for him.

FlowerArranger · 20/07/2021 12:47

Do you have a spare room you could rent out for a while, until you get back on your feet?

Original poster
GooodMythicalMorning · 20/07/2021 14:00

No spare room. Unfortunately dd has the tiniest box room ever so definitely not space to rent out.

OP posts:
StoneColdBitch · 20/07/2021 14:35

@larkstar

I agree with *@crosshatching* - just reading between the lines it comes across quite clearly to me that you are going to do better than just survive this crisis; I'm sure I'm not the only one wanting to cheer you on.

What do you make of his decision - to me it seems that 99 times out of a 100 leaving a long standing relationship in this situation (mortgage, kids) must be the stupidest thing anyone does. It doesn't sound like he thought through anything at all - do you think he's just been very stupid, immature, impulsive, naive etc and that he'll soon realise he's been a complete idiot?

If he's planning on moving 40 mins away - is he signalling that he'll be making excuses and intends to try and get you to deal with more than your fair share of arrangements regarding your children? Again - it suggests he's not thinking anything through - is that true to form?

If so, it sounds like you have a significant advantage over him already.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this - when my daughter was seriously ill I had one friend unexpectedly emerge head and shoulders above all the others - that a gift from those dark days - I hope you find someone similar.

In fairness, a 40 minute journey between parents doesn't mean that Dad can't have significant contact. My husband used to live 30 minutes from his ex and he had their children almost half of the time. He just had to use breakfast and after-school clubs to allow him to drop off and pick up on school days, as he worked near our home. He used to take them to clubs and activities near their mum's, if they had something on there during his weekend.

FWIW, I don't think it's helpful to say that 99/100 men who leave in this situation are making a stupid decision. It depends on all kinds of factors - why the man leaves, the state of the marriage, the finances and logistics, child contact arrangements, the new relationship, etc. My husband left his ex despite them having a mortgage and two children; even though their divorce was expensive and stressful, their marriage was well and truly dead in the water and he is clear that he has never once regretted ending it.

If we push this narrative that men always regret leaving, come crawling back, etc, then it makes women feel worse if their husband skips merrily into the sunset and doesn't look back - they then think everyone else's husband regretted leaving, why didn't theirs, what is wrong with them, etc?

pilates · 20/07/2021 15:04

Wow, your husband has some front complaining about expensive rent.😡. I think the reality of knowing he will have to provide for you and your children is probably hitting him. That is not your problem. It must be very hard to go from loving your husband to not liking him in a very short space of time. It sounds like you have a good support network to help you through some tough times. Good luck and there are some very wise people on this forum who will be able to help you.

Original poster
GooodMythicalMorning · 20/07/2021 15:11

Yep very difficult. I still read things and think "oh I'll tell H that...Oh, no I won't." literally lost my best friend and confident. Its kinda like grief.

OP posts:
MarianneUnfaithful · 20/07/2021 17:08

He's already going to look at places with her and moaned renting is expensive

He is SUCH a liar about not having started an affair before leaving the marriage. At least you know now, OP, that he isn’t your friend, instead of having him lie to you while betraying you.

mbosnz · 20/07/2021 17:14

@GooodMythicalMorning

Yep very difficult. I still read things and think "oh I'll tell H that...Oh, no I won't." literally lost my best friend and confident. Its kinda like grief.
It's exactly like grief. Someone doesn't have to die for you to suffer a loss.
Fireflygal · 20/07/2021 17:20

@StoneColdBitch, often these men are "grass is greener" and when they remarry they are at the start of the cycle again. It's why 2nd and 3rd marriages have much higher divorce rates. All marriages struggle at some stage and bailing when your head is turned is a pattern for some people

Original poster
GooodMythicalMorning · 20/07/2021 17:32

I feel sick, he's taken £15000 out of our account.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 20/07/2021 17:34

OMG did he clear the account out completely?

mbosnz · 20/07/2021 17:37

What the effing hell?! Scuse language - but what is it with these people that they just flick a switch and all care and concern for their wife of however many years and children is completely switched off?!

RandomMess · 20/07/2021 17:38

Phone CMS now today.

This is who he is, looking after #1

AdaColeman · 20/07/2021 17:41

Make hard copies of that transaction, it will be taken into account when your final financial settlement is being agreed.

OrchestraOfWankery · 20/07/2021 17:45

And his explanation for lifting that amount from your account is?.......

SammySays · 20/07/2021 17:56

Oh OP I’m so sorry you are dealing with all this. The way he is behaving is disgusting Flowers

doucey · 20/07/2021 17:56

@RandomMess

Phone CMS now today.

This is who he is, looking after #1

This. You can't get CMS backdated.
Billybagpuss · 20/07/2021 17:56

@GooodMythicalMorning

I feel sick, he's taken £15000 out of our account.
Are all the other accounts locked down. Remove whatever is left ASAP
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